Everyone thinks that since some people are extremely outgoing, that everything is all good with that person. But, even the strong friend goes through private battles sometimes.
As someone who is an extrovert, I've been the outgoing, lively, people-loving person of the group. As an extrovert, I've also dealt with depression for a very long time.
Model: Fontaine Felisha Foxworth Photo: Charles Lyles @lylesimage
My exterior is genuine, but it is often an armor for how I've dealt with my personal despair and feelings of alienation from others throughout the years. Contrary to popular belief, extremely extroverted people are the greatest empathic observers of life, however, they don't always show it.
If you are someone who is always the life of the party, the storyteller, the comedian, the wild card, or the most outspoken person in the group, it's likely that you may be used to everyone thinking that you are rarely sad or feeling blue. Perhaps you're like me and your extroverted ways cover up some very private woes that you seem to handle alone.
No matter how alone you feel, understand that you are important, you are loved, you matter, and you are on this earth for a reason. Depression is very real and can often lead to feelings of defeat, but it isn't impossible to overcome. The following list include ways that I, as an extroverted millennial empath fight my own battle with depression and how you can too.
Shout & Cry It Out
Model: Fontaine Felisha FoxworthPhoto: Charles Lyles @lylesimage
When I'm feeling weighed down by sadness, sometimes it helps me to let it go by screaming as loudly as I can. This is obviously something you do in the privacy of your own home when no one is around, or out in nature where no one can hear you. Ask God, the universe, your spirit guides, or whomever you ask for guidance, for urgent help in your time of need. Tell them how you have been feeling, and what you have been going through. Curse at them if you have to! Demand answers! You might sound crazy to yourself, but you will feel 100% lighter once you let it go.
It might help to close all your windows, and sit in a closet to muffle the sound. Once you get the frustration out, tears may naturally fall, and you will feel a soothing release.
Dance Your Heart Out
Model: Fontaine Felisha FoxworthPhoto: Charles Lyles @lylesimage
In your room or private space, put on some music that makes you happy and stirs your soul. Allow your body to translate the rhythms, vibrations, frequencies, and emotions of the music. When you are extroverted, speech is not the only way that you express yourself. Through moving your body, you can nonverbally extend your extroverted nature. Sometimes going out and dancing can take your mind off any heaviness in your heart.
The mantra "dancing like nobody's watching" has lifted my vibration and helped elevate my low spirits. I show out when I'm dancing! Sometimes music is not even necessary. Dancing to the sounds of nature is very healing. Go to the beach or the park to release any pain you may feel by dancing. I like to record myself dancing and share it with the world. Express yourself and surrender to release.
Be Transparent On Social Media
Model: Fontaine Felisha FoxworthPhoto: Charles Lyles @lylesimage
One thing that extroverted people have in common is that they are very transparent about the many troubles in their lives. Being honest in this day and age can be hard to do when we are surrounded by such superficiality. If you have an Instagram or Facebook account, don't be afraid to speak your truth openly to others. As long as you are authentic, you will receive an outpouring of support from folks that you didn't even know are watching.
You inspire more people than you even realize. People like Cardi B and Letitia Wright are rising to success by gaining more than just followers. They are gaining empathy and support from people who are moved by their realness, extroverted individuality, and their willingness to speak their truth. You also never know who you could help get through their own tough times just by sharing your honesty.
Transmute Any Sadness Through Creativity & Imagination
Model: Fontaine Felisha FoxworthPhoto: Charles Lyles @lylesimage
One of the greatest things that got me out of one of the lowest depressive points in my adult life was the inspiration I received for a creative project I created, originally called Brown Girl Tarot. On top of becoming ill, I was experiencing what spiritualists call the "Dark Knight of The Soul." The depths of my despair was darker than anything I had ever experienced before. I was suicidal and malnourished. I stayed inside my house for days on end without eating or showering. It was as if I was in another dimension of pain and depression.
The only thing that saved me was expression of my imagination, visions, and dreams through divinely-inspired creativity. My bright future in lightworking, humanitarianism, writing, filmmaking, and entrepreneurship is what keeps me elevated. Out of that sinister darkness came light and healing through art, imagination, and spirituality.
Find Yourself Through A Spiritual Journey
Model: Fontaine Felisha FoxworthPhoto: Charles Lyles @lylesimage
Last but not least on this list, is the importance of experiencing a spiritual journey of enlightenment. I call my own ascension, "Finding Fontaine." By understanding the importance of the seven chakras in the human body, I was able to balance my energy to overcome ongoing depression. This is something that anyone, with any kind of personality, should utilize to overcome the darkness of depression. It takes work and dedication to constantly work with your aura to remain mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy.
You were given the personality that you have, on this earth for a reason. The universe makes no mistakes. Transmute all the alienation that you have ever felt in the past because of your outgoing qualities, to not only heal yourself first and foremost - but to be of service to the collective well-being of all humanity.
Once you embark on the transformative journey of spiritual ascension, your extroverted persona will only allow you to shine brighter as a beacon of light to others.
Are you the extrovert in your friend group? How do you overcome feelings of depression or sadness when everyone sees you as the "strong friend"? Let us know in the comments down below.
- What It's Like To Be An Extrovert With Depression | Thought Catalog ›
- Why Depression Symptoms Are More Common in Introverts ... ›
- The 4 Differences Between Introversion and Social Anxiety - Quiet ... ›
- Why Extroverts Are so Needy | Psychology Today ›
- How to Cope as a Highly Sensitive Extrovert | Psychology Today ›
- Coping with Depression: Tips for Overcoming Depression One Step ... ›
- Fifteen Simple Ways To Overcome Depression And Sadness ›
- How to Overcome Depression (with Pictures) - wikiHow ›
- Depression: 7 Powerful Tips to Help You Overcome Bad Moods ... ›
- 12 Steps To Overcome Depression ›
- 10 Natural Depression Treatments ›
- Overcoming depression | TED Talks ›
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America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy