Blac Chyna & Tokyo Toni Are Proof That Your Parents Can Be Toxic Too
When you were put on this earth, you were given power and authority to break generational curses, heal generational traumas, and create a new legacy for your lineage. Many of the toxic behaviors we exhibit come from none other than the ones we love, but It's up to you to break the cycle, and sometimes that means creating boundaries with toxic family members, and the latest episode of The Real Blac Chyna is proof that this advice is big facts.
Reality TV is often an only an illusion of the way life really is, and sometimes we can forget that behind the personality, there is a real person who carries many of the same generational traumas and curses that we do.
I'll be the first to admit that I've never really truly understood the enigma that is "Blac Chyna". I love black women and there's nothing you can say to make me feel otherwise, but there was something about her that felt disingenuous and I was never really able to connect with that character that she often plays in the media. But recently, a clip surfaced that featured a heated altercation between her and her mother, Tokyo Toni, that made me look at Angela White in a much different light.
After years of public confrontation, Blac Chyna and Tokyo publicly reconciled their relationship at an event in Atlanta; but it seems their happy ending didn't last long. A heated argument about Lord knows what (somebody lend me your Zeus password) recently went viral, proving that when it comes to some situations in the black community, we don't need a TV show; we need a therapist. During their argument, emotional abuse eventually led to physical threats and home decor items being used as trajectory weapons.
One of the most notable moments from the show was when Tokyo suggested that no matter how toxic your mother is, you should still respect her; and I gotta be real. I can't relate, sis. My relationship with my mom hasn't always been perfect, but there is and always has been a tone of respect and love that we both ensured was mutual and reciprocal. You can't fill from an empty cup, and I would imagine that it's hard to learn respect from someone who has never shown you an example.
The clip, as disturbing as it is, exhibits the characteristics of the very dangerous relationship dynamic that has been present in black families for generations. Blac Chyna and her mom remind us that at a certain point, you have to decide what's most important: your relationship or your sanity. But here's a pro tip: always pick your sanity, sis.
Since the show's debut, Blac Chyna has made it clear that she's intent on ending the cycle of emotional and physical abuse, starting with her own two children. She posted a photo Instagram of her two "angels" and wrote:
"Seven things every child needs to hear: I love you, I'm proud of you, I'm sorry, I forgive you, I'm listening. This is your responsibility. You have what it takes to succeed."
While I still can't quite wrap my head around everything that Blac Chyna does, I can relate to who Angela White as a woman. While I was blessed to have a mom and dad who taught me the value of mutual respect, there have been other people in my life who have made it a point to sacrifice my happiness because they were unhappy with themselves while I sat back and endured their abuse because "I love you".
The power of connection can be a beautiful thing, but if it comes at the expense of your spiritual emotional and physical peace, it's not worth it, sis. Break the cycle.
Featured image by Zeus.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images
