For many newly engaged couples, the euphoria of their engagement is quickly replaced by the stress and chaos of wedding planning. For writer Ashley Reese and her new husband Robert Stengel, the anxiety around planning their recent nuptials was only intensified by having just a week to plan and execute it.
“That’s still something I’m really shocked by,” Reese tells xoNecole as she continues to try and wrap her head around the events that preceded the beautiful day.
The Brooklyn-based couple’s short notice matrimonies came after a tumultuous few years for them that started back in 2019, when Stengel began experiencing stomach issues. “We had just come back from a trip to Hong Kong and he had some symptoms like bloating and GI stuff,” Reese recalls. After weeks of medical testing, Stengel received a diagnosis of peritoneal mesothelioma, a rare cancer that only about 300 to 500 people are declared to have every year.
For Reese, who at the time wrote for the feminist publication Jezebel, and Stengel, who had to put his law school career on hold, their hopes for the future were traded in for a series of uncertainties. “I was 28 at the time and I think when you’re at that age, that’s an age where you think about marriage, you think about settling down, you think about the future,” Reese says. “And for that to be a moment when the future became very uncertain to us – it was very jarring.”
After rounds of chemotherapy, followed by surgery and even more chemo, the future was beginning to look bright for the couple. Stengel went into remission just as parts of the country locked down in response to the pandemic. “I remember people in 2020 being like ‘2020 is like the worst year of my life; I didn’t think anything could get worse than this,’ and I’m like, yeah my shit time started in 2019,” Reese said. “The pandemic was like a walk in the park compared to dealing with the fact that your partner has very fatal cancer.”
Life was beginning to look hopeful for the couple again. Stengel started law school and Reese started a new job at Netflix. Things were going well until earlier this year in April when Reese and Stengel were told that the cancer had returned. “That was scary but we were told that they would try immunotherapy which was a newer kind of a treatment option that wasn’t really available to us when he was first diagnosed and they can have high success rates,” Reese said. “I was really hopeful.”
Reese described the situation as going downhill around May. Stengel’s illness progressed rapidly, prohibiting him from keeping food down causing him to lose a lot of weight in a short amount of time. He was hospitalized for weeks on end. This was also around the time that Reese learned she was one of the many people who were laid off from Netflix. She got the news just as she entered the doors of the cancer hospital. “It’s one thing to deal with cancer, it’s another thing to deal with cancer and also losing your job,” she said.
Losing her job meant losing her and Stengel’s health insurance. In a small turn in fortune, they were able to secure the money they needed for Stengel’s further treatment after strangers helped Stengel’s GoFundMe exceed its goal. The relief that provided only made room for the rough summer they had. “He couldn’t eat certain foods, we had to do like feeding tubes. A lot of his medicines had to be put [in] through syringe,” Reese said. “You kind of turn into a nurse overnight.”
Ashley and Robert with their community on their wedding day
Sylvie Rosokoff
On October 7th, Reese said Stengel sat her down after months of ongoing treatment. “He had the kind of ‘manage your expectations’ talk with his team,” Reese said. Stengel decided to pivot from treatment to palliative care, meaning he had chosen to live the remainder of his days under hospice care.
Reese said it was that same day that Stengel decided to call Reese’s parents to ask for Reese’s hand in marriage. A day later, Reese said that she told Stengel “let’s get married – next week.”
“He was given weeks or months,” Reese says. She told him: “I don’t want to take a gamble on waiting like a couple of weeks or months to get married, let’s get married ASAP.”
Ashley Reese
Sylvie Rosokoff
With just a week to pull together a ceremony in their backyard, Reese sent out a mass text to as many of her close friends as she could. “I was like, ‘Hey are you going to be in town on the 16th? We think we’re going to get married,’” Reese texted. To Reese’s pleasant surprise, not only were many of her close friends available to attend, they also began to volunteer to help pull the wedding off. Friends of both Reese and Stengel began offering to pay for photographers, invitations, floral arrangements, and furniture. “People were coming out the wood work being like, ‘I will clean your apartment,’”Reese said.
In just a matter of days, Reese’s dream of a wedding materialized. “It was really a community effort, something that I would not have been able to pull this off in a week,” Reese said. “I had this very nebulous thought of how things would go.”
On the day of the wedding, which Reese described as being a bit “chaotic” due to her lack of sleep, all the communal efforts came together to make a beautiful day for her and her soon-to-be husband. “After getting my makeup done, I see the house completely transformed, the backyard completely transformed,” Reese said. “It was just simply beautiful.”
Reese said her friend, writer Zeba Blay, said something to the effect of: “Look at these people we know through all these different walks of life – from schools, neighbors, work. People we just met through our journey as a couple.” She continued: “She’s like ‘look around at all the people who are here to celebrate you from different backgrounds, races, religions.” Reese joked, “It looked like the fucking UN in there.”
Might as well post this here too, but for folks who wanted to know how our wedding came together in one week, here it is ❤️ pic.twitter.com/gP0k8pOXFv
— Ashley Reese (@offbeatorbit) October 27, 2022
A week after the wedding, Reese posted a video of the day to both her Twitter and Tik Tok, both going viral on their respective platforms, with strangers around the world celebrating their love story. But even with all of the joy and love, there’s still sadness. “I’m worried about the post-wedding high dwindling and I’m left with this reality that my now husband is dying,” Reese said. While the wedding was a beautiful day of celebration, it also in many ways felt like a goodbye between her and Stengel, she said.
Despite the tragedy of slowly losing him, Reese and Stengel’s community rallied behind them in their time of need. “You don’t get to that overnight,” She says. “You get to that by fostering community and being there for each other. As much as people were there for me, I will be there for those same people.”
You can donate to Ashley and Rob’s GoFundMe here.
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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