I make it no secret that when couples come to me for premarital counseling, I will apply the pressure, almost like I’m trying to break them up (if you are recently engaged, please go to premarital counseling or, at the very least, check out “276 questions to ask before marriage (or regret it later)”).
It’s not because I’m a hater (marriage is a beautiful thing and when done right, I am its biggest fan!); it’s that I have seen far too many people go into a marital union, having no clue what it’s real purpose is and/or how to know if their partner is truly the best complement for them — and then Elmo shrug it off like divorce is nothing more than a break-up between two people who were seriously dating each other.
Marriage is a covenant. Marriage is a business contract. Marriage is absolutely nothing to play with. And that’s why I actually have all of the respect in the world for those who have the courage to say, via their actions, that even if they got to the point of engagement (or shoot, even the night before the nuptials), if they see red flags — whether with their partner, the dynamic or within themselves — that they will pump the breaks. Because like I say, “It is far better to break up than to go through a divorce.” (Just ask any divorced person.)
So, let’s hear from some brave women who respected marriage enough to not play with it.
*Middle names are used here*
1. Sarai. 34. Ended a 10-Month Engagement Two Years Ago.
Giphy“I already know that women are waiting on me to rant about all of the things that he did wrong but actually, it was on me. At the time, I was trippin’ because so many of my friends were jumping the broom. So, I gave him an ultimatum after two years of dating that if he didn’t propose, I was going to end the relationship. Shellie, you know how you always say that ultimatums are threats? I used to not get that — oh, but I do now.
"If you’ve got to pressure a man to marry you, something isn’t right. I was miserable because I kept wondering if he really wanted to marry me and he was miserable because I went from pressuring him to get engaged to pressuring him to set a wedding date. I finally ended it so that we both could have peace. We didn’t speak for a year. We’re kind of rebuilding now. We’ll see.”
2. Raquel. 28. Ended a Five-Year Engagement One Year Ago.
“IT. DOES. NOT. TAKE. FIVE. YEARS. TO. GET. MARRIED. Let’s start there. I’ve read that if you wait longer than a couple of years to do it, you really don’t want to and there’s some truth to that. After some therapy and arguing with people like you [she means me, Shellie], I get that I think I just wanted the security of knowing that he wanted to marry me…someday. But after about 14 months of putting it off, I got a promotion that took priority and then he decided to totally switch career paths. And when an opportunity came up for him to relocate, he did and we tried the long-distance thing.
"Before we knew it, it was five years later and we were no closer to getting married than before. So, we ended it. Yes, it was mutual. No, there are no hard feelings. And next time, if I say ‘yes’ to someone, I’m gonna be his wife in under 12 months. Otherwise, what’s the point?”
3. Sophya. 29. Ended a Two-Year Engagement Five Months Ago.
“I’m selfish and he’s got too much growing up to do. We’ll both own it even if you ask him. I’m selfish because I honestly don’t care as much as I should about what he needs to be happy in a marriage. I mean, I’ll do what I feel like doing but I’m kind of inflexible beyond that. Always have been, I just think that there haven’t been enough consequences for my mindset…yet.
"He needs to grow, not because he’s immature but because there are a lot of things that he wants to do that I don’t want to compromise on — and I don’t think any woman does. Things that will cause finances to be inconsistent and affect his time at home to where a woman would have to make a lot of sacrifices."
"We ended on good terms. Maybe I’ll become more flexible and he’ll become more stable. For right now, we just want what’s best for each other and it’s not us.”
4. Wanda. 46. Ended a One-Month Engagement Almost Two Months Ago.
Giphy“I’m not sure what other stories you’ve heard but this might be the wildest one. I love my ex-fiancé. We’re actually still together. A lot of times, when people talk about ending an engagement, people break up but I’ve been married twice before and he’s been married once. He proposed on Christmas Eve in front of our friends and family because he thought that marriage is what I wanted.
"After two [of them], I’m not so sure and I didn’t want to give him or our families the impression that I was. So, I gave him the ring back, we agreed to take some steps back and…who knows? I don’t need the hoopla this time. I’m happy with the way things are and he honestly is too. Sometimes happy is enough.”
5. Averie. 30. Ended a 10-Year Engagement One Year Ago.
“Before women talk about how crazy it is to be engaged for 10 years, remember that I’m just now 30 which means we got engaged when I was 20 — actually 19. It was a real proposal although it started off with a promise ring and then a tiny engagement ring when I finished college and a bigger one at 26. We were long-distance and wanted to get our careers off of the ground before I relocated. Once I did, it was during the pandemic which forced us to get to know each other in a way that we never really had before.
"I get why so many divorces happened [during that time] because folks think they are in an intimate relationship but if you’re only having dinner together and watching an hour of TV before going to bed, you don’t really know each other at all. We love what we knew. We just didn’t know…enough.”
6. Ursula. 28. Ended a Five-Month Engagement Seven Years Ago.
“He cheated. Am I the only one with this story? He cheated with an ex. An ex who he told me he was over. I found out because she actually came to our engagement party and I saw them arguing outside. No, he didn’t invite her. She found out about it on social media and invited herself. But the fact that he was arguing with her instead of celebrating with me meant that I knew something was up.
"He admitted to sleeping with her right before proposing to me. He called it ‘getting closure,’ so even though I don’t give AF about her feelings, I get what she was so mad about. Anyway, needing to get someone out of your system right before asking for my hand means she’s still in your system. Good luck…but not really.”
7. Malynda. 31. Ended a One-Year Engagement Six Months Ago.
Giphy“Social media is a strange place, sis. I loved my ex-fiancé but there was always a part of me [that] felt like I would be settling if I went through with marrying him. Not because he wasn’t cute enough. Not because he wasn’t a good provider. Not because I don’t think we could’ve had a good life together. It’s just that there was someone in my past who I knew I would drop everything for in a heartbeat. So, when he hit me up to say that he was back in the country and wanted to give us another try — yep…guess what I did?
"People can say what they want but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and we’ve been discussing getting married around the end of the year.”
8. Shannon. 24. Ended a One-Year Engagement Two Weeks Ago.
“Anyone who plans on getting married should go to premarital counseling first. The break-up is still really fresh, so I don’t want to get too much into the details. I’ll just say that even though my fiancé and I passed [counseling sessions], when we thought about what it takes to not just say ‘unto death parts us’ but mean it, along with the biblical ramifications of not taking it seriously, we realized that we’re ready to love each other…just not commit for the long haul.”
Shellie here: Shannon gets all of my respect and never-ending applause for this. Also, as far as the Bible goes, Malachi 2:14-16, Matthew 19:1-12, and I Corinthians 7:10-11 are great places to start re: what Scripture says about marriage and divorce.
9. Toya. 40. Ended a Three-Year Engagement 18 Months Ago.
“I guess the best way to define us is we were the friends who said that if we weren’t married by 40, we’d marry each other. Yes, I said that at almost 37, and yes, we stayed engaged for three years. I guess the best way to explain it is we used that time to see if we were feelin’ each other beyond the strong friendship love that we had. Yes and no. We had sex and it was good. Our families always wanted us together. He felt like a safety net.
"But I don’t want ‘safe’ love. I want full love. Funny thing is, I attended his wedding four months ago and he’s overjoyed. I believe you should marry a friend but not just a friend. I know all of what I need now.”
10. Brea. 27. Ended a Six-Month Engagement Two Months Ago.
Giphy“My ring was fake. I don’t know what else to tell you. The rock was huge and I was hype. I went to get it appraised to prove to some of my what-I-thought-were-hater friends wrong because they didn’t get how a UPS guy could afford a ring with 2.5 carats. When I confronted him, he didn’t even try to hide it. He said that it didn’t make sense to spend all of that money on an engagement ring if we were saving up for a house. I don’t know if the lie or the ring pisses me off more. I just know that if he was never going to tell me that, he could be hiding other stuff. I’m good. Not really but I’m getting there.”
11. Xia. 32. Ended a Five-Year Engagement Four Years Ago.
“Now that I’m married to who I’m with, I’m so glad that it didn’t work out with my ex. I don’t want to put all of our business out in the street because it’s in the past but what I will say is if you’re taking more than a year to get down the aisle, there is something telling you to wait and you should listen."
"Every year that you put off means you’re not ready, even if it’s just with your finances. Being engaged means you’re ready to get married, so there’s no need to drag your feet.”
12. Imani. 40. Ended a Three-Year Engagement Three Years Ago.
“I always wanted to be married…but I wasn’t really sure why. And when the pastor asked me, I drew a blank. So, I pushed the wedding date back while my ex patiently waited and I still couldn’t come up with my ‘why.’ I think I just thought that being a wife and mom are things that women are supposed to do. Three years later, I don’t think I want to get married. I respect it too much to not take it seriously and being single out here has all kinds of benefits. I like weddings — just more as a guest. I feel peaceful in that place.”
_____
There you have it, y’all. Just like no marriage is a monolith neither are the reasons why engagements end. If you’re single, hopefully, this will give you a lot to think about. If you’re engaged and see yourself at all, hopefully, you’ll also find the courage to push pause. Because until you’re married, you are still your top priority. So, if marriage is not for you yet, for whatever the reason, be okay with choosing what is — starting with yourself. Full stop and no apologies.
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- Taraji P. Henson Calls Off Her Engagement: ‘My Happiness Is Not His Responsibility' ›
- This Is Why I Have Mad Respect For People Who Break Off Their Engagements ›
- 8 Very Valid Reasons To Break Off Your Engagement ›
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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