Ever Wonder If You've Got An Emotionally Abusive Boss?
2020 marks the 20th year that I've been making most of my living as a writer. Although, during that time, I had a couple of other gigs here and there, all of them allowed me to work from home, with no micromanaging and very limited drama. Amen. Praise the Lord! Yet as I was sitting here and reflecting on what life was like when I did have full-time gigs, I have to admit that, in some cases, the title of this article is what motivated me to get the hell out of those offices. Emotional abuse? It is the absolute worst. Problem is, I'm not sure if a lot of us even stop to consider that it's something that could possibly be happening at our place of employment; especially between us and our manager, supervisor or boss.
Before showing you some of the telltale signs of it, I'll already say that if a part of you is "triggered" at the mere thought of being abused in this fashion, that is probably your first clue that something unhealthy is going on. Then I'll follow that up by saying, if even three of the signs check out, you really should consider an exit strategy.
If you have no clue how to go about doing that, I've got a little present for you. It comes in the form of a YouTube video entitled "I Saved $20,000 And Quit My Full-Time Job To Be 'Funemployed'". The video is totally worth your time to watch but the gist is this—a woman who goes by Evelyn From The Internets shared her definition of funemployed. It's "being unemployed on purpose". In her sixteen-minutes-and-some-change totally entertaining share, Evelyn talks about wanting to leave her full-time gig and how she saved enough money (I believe it was in a year) so that she didn't have to go from one stress-filled job to another. Or, as it relates to this article, one emotionally abusive corporate situation into another.
With articles out in cyberspace like "Why Are Workers Quitting Their Jobs in Record Numbers?" and "85% of People Hate Their Jobs, Gallup Poll Says", I'd venture to say that more than a few are victims of emotional abuse in the workplace. They and you deserve better. So sis, if you see these red flags, perhaps 2020 is the year for you to become funemployed (with the operative word, finally, being "fun"). And just what are the signs of an emotionally abusive boss?
They’re Micro-Managers
I mean, really. Is there anything more insulting than being hired for a position, only to have someone breathing down your neck to make sure that you do your job? Why did they hire you if all they were going to do was send you an incessant amount of emails, make you do daily reports (that is really nothing more than mere busywork) and find a way to complain about each and every little thing that you try and complete?
Just like there is such a thing as helicopter parenting, there is also such a thing as having a helicopter boss. They are the kinds of people who have an office full of adults, but you would think that they are in a daycare full of children. You didn't sign up to be patronized, condescended or constantly followed-up on. So yes, if your boss is a micro-manager, this is just one indication that you are being emotionally abused at work.
They Are Big Time Gas Lighters
I can take a lot of things, boy. But if there's one thing that irks me to absolutely no end, it's a gas lighter. They are the kind of people who are master manipulators. They pull it off by withholding information or distorting facts in such a way that when you bring a matter to their attention, they are so cryptic that you end up feeling like you're confused or you are totally losing your mind.
How do you know if your boss is a grade-A gas lighter? Do they deny doing or saying something that you know for a fact that they did or said? Did the two of you come to a mutual agreement about something, only for them to suddenly renege? Are they hypocrites in the sense that they expect more from you than they do of themselves? Do they tell little "white lies" or cut corners often enough that you start to feel drained and unable to do your best work? Whenever you address any of this, do they claim to understand, only for you to end up with more work or for other staff members to give you the cold shoulder (probably because your boss has been slick-talking about you)?
Gaslighting sucks because sometimes it can be hard to put your finger on it. But if you just read all of that and you had to fight the urge to jump up out of your seat in agreement, 1) you are the victim of a gas lighter and 2) it is definitely a form of emotional abuse.
They Constantly Shift Blame
It's one thing to go above what's expected of you because you feel inspired to do it. It's another to have to refer to your job description, at least twice a week, because it seems like you're doing so much more than what you were initially hired to do.
Doing your best is one thing. Doing three other people's jobs while only getting paid for yours is something entirely different. If your desk is full of other people's responsibilities, if you can't remember the last time you got home at a decent hour or it seems like you're stressed out and overwhelmed at the mere thought of walking into the office every day, not only is this a clue that your boss is probably taking advantage of you, you are most definitely being emotionally abused (especially if you bring all of this up to them and they blow you off).
They Take Credit That They Don’t Deserve
We all know that when we work for a company, there are going to be times when we don't get the credit that we deserve. That's actually why a lot of people become entrepreneurs—they don't want all of their skills and ingenuity to go into building someone else's dreams; they would much rather build up their own. But it's one thing to not get your just due every once in a while. It's another matter entirely when your intellectual property, blood, sweat and tears are things that your boss puts their name on rather than yours on a regular basis. Not only is it shady as hell, but it's a low-key form of stealing.
Please don't think that just because you work for a business that not getting credit for the work that you do should automatically come with the territory. No matter how many companies might like their employees to think so, it's foul and yep, you guessed it—it's also pretty darn abusive.
They Are Passive Aggressive
This is another trait that drives me up the wall. Do you get backhanded compliments like, "You did so much better on this than I thought you would"? Is your boss's humor really hard to read? When you try and receive feedback from them, is it so unclear that you're exhausted after meeting with them or reading their emails? Does it feel like you never receive clear instructions? Do they spend—and by that, I mean waste—a lot of time exerting their authority by enforcing petty and pointless rules? Are they really warm to you on one day and cold as ice the next?
If so, none of this is normal behavior; it doesn't matter how used to it you've become. And if there's a part of you that wonders why someone would go through the drama of being passive aggressive, typically it's because it's the kind of behavior that is easier rationalize (at least in their own minds) over being frank or direct (which could lead to confrontation). Yes, it's exhausting, but since it's hard to pinpoint what a passive aggressive person is doing, they can keep triggering you without directly being seen—or reported—as being a bad guy or girl.
Passive aggressive can push someone into becoming aggressive. That is why it made this particular list.
They’ve Got a Selective Memory
They told you that you could take Friday off. Then when Thursday rolls around, they give you a ton of work that's due by Monday. During a staff meeting, assignments are clearly delegated. Oh, but a week later, you get an email about doing something that was never previously discussed. You schedule a meeting with your supervisor because you are interested in a position that was recently posted in-housed. They agree to keep you in mind but then hire someone who has never worked for the company before. And, to all of these things, your boss comes at you on some, "Oh…did we discuss that? I don't recall."
While there are times when that might be the case, just like it is your responsibility to remember to come to work on time and remember to do your job, it is your boss's responsibility to remember to keep their word. A selective memory is a not-so-low-key sign of a lack of respect. Who can remain in a healthy and productive relationship with anyone who doesn't respect them?
They Threaten Your Position. Regularly.
Another example of an emotionally abusive boss is they try and intimidate you. An example of this is them constantly making you feel like if you don't comply with all of the examples of emotional abuse that I just shared—or if you decide to tell the higher ups about these things—they will cause you to lose your job—or they will make you so miserable that you will up and quit.
If this is what you feel is going on, again, watch the video about how to be funemployed. Then put an exit strategy together that consists of—saving money; looking for another position; keeping record of how you are being mistreated; identifying how they trigger you (so that you can work on deactivating them); setting boundaries (do your job well but also be OK with saying no to doing tons more for nothing in return) and getting totally off of the clock once you leave the office.
Emotional abuse, of any kind, is something you shouldn't have to experience. Never assume that, just because it's happening at your place of employment and that you are getting a check in return, your boss is justified. They are not. Abuse is abuse. Simple as that.
Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel and Amer Woods, for conversations over cocktails each and every week by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Itunes and Spotify.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Unhealthy Workplace Stresses You Need To Break Free From
What Happened When I Tried Being More Assertive At Work
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Feature image by Shutterstock
- Signs of Emotional Abuse at Work (and How to React) | Cleverism ›
- Gaslighting At Work: How To Recognize It And What To Do About It ›
- Harassed at Work: Can You Sue for Emotional Abuse? | E & B ›
- 8 Signs Your Boss Is a Bully ›
- How to Deal With Abusive, Narcissistic and Hostile Bosses ... ›
- 3 Warning Signs That Your Boss Is Abusive | ToughNickel ›
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy