Whenever people in my space take cracks at Tubi (remember it’s free, y’all), although there is some content that warrants it (Lord knows), what I will oftentimes say is there are also some gems featured on there that can make the sifting process totally worth your while.
Take the movieSocial, for example. It’s about a Black guy who is dealing with social anxiety. The man who has the lead role’s name is Gary Champion, and without even expecting that I was going to find his choices in roles fascinating, I do. It’s mostly because I recently saw him in another movie (yep, on the same platform) entitled Flew'd Out. It’s quirky and even flat-out bizarre on a lot of levels, yet that seems to be his thing: picking unexpected indie projects.
So, what does that have to do with anything (as it relates to today’s topic)? Well, as you can just about guess, Flew’d Out is about a woman who has men fly her out, then she tapes them and posts them on her socials in order to humiliate them and gain her some online clout whenever the transactions don’t go the way that she wants them to. Anyway, the ultimate fallout comes from her pulling that on the wrong — or right, depending on how you choose to ultimately look at it, I guess — guy.
The entire time that I watched it, mostly what I did was double-down on the points that I made in an article that I wrote last year for the site, “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.” Ugh. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it over a billion times before that when you don’t know the purpose of something, it is almost guaranteed that you will misuse or abuse it.
And when it comes to trying to find a healthy, solid, and long-term relationship (if that is indeed your goal, that is), being out here looking for a date that comes with the highest price tag, just so you brag about it on IG or to your friends? That isn’t going to ultimately get you what you want. All you’re going to do is attract the same opportunistic energy that you are putting out — and opportunists aren’t friends. All they really do is use each other.
Hmph. So many folks say that the dating pool has pee in it; meanwhile, I can’t help but wonder if a part of the reason why it’s that way is because the foundation of relationships, overall, are super dysfunctional at this point — and a big part of the reason why is because people are overlooking what should be a core element of any romantic connection: FRIENDSHIP.
I’m not the only one who thinks this way, either. Science does, too.
Just Like I Always Suspected, Successful Relationships Have Friendship As Its Foundation
GiphyAbout a month ago, The New York Times featured a Black couple who shared their love story. The title of the piece was, “After Years of Almost-Dates, a Romance Grows Between Friends.” The gist of it all is Cory and Stephanie have known each other since high school, they used to have lockers close to one another, they would walk home with each other after school and, although Stephanie was a couple of years older than Cory (which we all know is a pretty big deal in high school) and she had a boyfriend back then, they did happen to cultivate a friendship (bookmark that).
After high school, Cory and Stephanie ended up staying in touch and then, years later, they discovered that they both worked for the same company in Manhattan. So, in order to catch up, they met up for a meal, and afterward, Stephanie invited Cory to watch The Walking Dead with her at her place. Both of them referred to that as their “second first date” because it was a date that happened after years of almost-attempts at experiencing an official one (whether they initially realized it before or not).
During the pandemic, Cory and Stephanie spent more quality time together which caused Cory to ultimately realize that he had found his “one.” After four years of returning back to the restaurant of their second first date, Cory had loved ones meet them there so that he could propose. Stephanie said “yes” and they were married this past spring. Right before their wedding, they revisited their high school and the principal gave them a banner with the name of the high school on it; they used it as a part of their wedding day decor. Precious.
FRIENDSHIP.
Did you peep how organically and (relatively) smoothly everything evolved between Cory and Stephanie? It was because they both took their time to get to know each other. Did you also notice that there was no stratagem or cryptic agenda involved or even any pressure? Very early on, Cory and Stephanie decided that they were going to be friends and, if something came of it, cool. If not, there was still going to be a friendship intact so…also cool. Beautiful.
And you know what, just like Cory and Stephanie used their ever-evolving friendship to develop a relationship that ultimately turned them into husband and wife, science recommends that all people take the same approach…because it has proven to be a successful one. In fact, a particular popular study revealed that “the percentage of friends-first romantic couples varied from 40% to 73%. Friends-first initiation was even higher among married couples and homosexual relationships.”
The study went on to say that even if things start out as a friends-with-benefits dynamic, it has a 42% success rate when it comes to ultimately/eventually turning into something more. That’s not all. Something else that I found to be interesting about the research is only 30 percent of people said that they were initially sexually attracted to their now-partner; yep, 70 percent said that their feelings shifted over time.
Another pretty relevant thing that the study revealed is almost half of the individuals who participated in it would prefer for a relationship to start from a friendship rather than meeting someone at a party or online.
So, if there is solid data that proves that starting off as friends is certainly the best route to go, why don’t more people prioritize it? Good question.
So, Why Do More People Not Prioritize Friendship Before a Relationship?
GiphyThought Catalog is a website that has some cool essays on it from time to time. One that was published, shoot, a decade ago is entitled “To The Guy I Left In The Friend Zone For Too Long.” For the most part, it’s a personal narrative that is filled with regret because the author wishes that she had never friend-zoned a guy; now, she is hoping that she will give him another chance.
Look, it’s its own article that a lot of people friend-zone folks who would be great partners, and it’s all because they were never taught to prioritize establishing a friendship with a potential significant other in the first place. Y’all, even though attraction and chemistry are absolutely essential in a relationship, ask married folks who’ve been together for longer than five years about how much friendship has gotten them through the challenging times in their dynamic (check out “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?”).
Yeah, it really is wild to me how some people seem to underestimate the importance of friendship qualities like honesty, support, and good communication until after they commit to someone, which is actually why their relationship doesn’t go the distance; they were out here mostly only caring about if someone looks good and/or is great in bed or they just wanted to be in a relationship for having one’s sake when that stuff is to be icing far more than cake.
And how did so many find themselves in that predicament? Hmph. My older goddaughter is officially a teenager now, and while I tell her often that liking boys is completely normal, Auntie Shellie ain’t playin’ that “he cheated on me” or even “I have a boyfriend” nonsense with her. You are 13, chile — you have friends. You need to learn how to be friends with a boy, so that you can value friendship so that you can know how to properly navigate a relationship when you are actually old (and by “old”, what I mean is mature) enough to have one.
Yep — a lot of people, unfortunately, from as early as middle school on, thought, too much about the “girl” in girlfriend or the “boy” in boyfriend that they never factored in the FRIEND part. I actually recently read an article on The Jasmine Brand where Erykah Badu said that very thing about her relationship with her once-upon-a-time boyfriend and father of her firstborn, André 3000:
“When we became boyfriend and girlfriend in the ‘90s, we didn’t become friends first. We were attracted to each other first…We had stuff in common, but we didn’t learn all of that until over the years...Over these years, we’ve just become closer and closer as friends, as humans, as man, as woman…He’s one of my best friends on the planet.”
Listen, being friends is how you get to genuinely know someone. Being friends is how you can figure out if your lives truly mesh beyond the surface. Being friends is how you prioritize the qualities that make for a healthy and lasting relationship. So yes, it absolutely makes all of the sense in the world that science would say that people should start off as friends if they want their relationship to have a far greater chance at being successful.
3 Things That Can Shift Your Thinking About Guys Who Actually Have More-than-Friends Potential
GiphyOkay, but what if you’ve always been “programmed” to think that a relationship and a friendship are totally different things? What I mean by that is, what if you’ve always thought that if you are physically and emotionally into someone, that is not the same thing as being actual friends with them? In order to change your thinking, what should you do?
1. Use “just a friend” less.
I have a lot of male friends and all of them are pretty impressive in their own way, if I do say so myself. Because I am peacefully single, sometimes I get asked about why some of them aren’t more than friends to me, so I get why you may reply to a similar question with, “He’s just a friend.” At the same time, because I’ve personally learned to value friendship more than ever, I have chosen to frame that differently. Why?
Because that response low-key sounds like a friend isn’t of high value and merit. As a result, sometimes, even if a guy in our life has the potential to evolve into something more, saying that he’s “just a friend” programs us into thinking that 1) a friend is lower in value and 2) it doesn’t have the ability to change. That said, think of the guys who you say are “just a friend.” Taking into account my breakdown, why do you say that? Next sentence: Is that 100 percent accurate?
2. Understand what a relationship is about.
In The National’s article, “Is friendship the new marriage? Experts give their bestie advice,” one of the points that it makes is, “Friendships offer a unique blend of unconditional support, mutual interests, and shared experiences that differ from romantic relationships...They often lack the pressures and expectations that can accompany romantic relationships, allowing for more straightforward communication and acceptance." I totally agree and it definitely irks me that people seem to have more grace, mercy, and forgiveness in friendships than in relationships — and I think it’s because individuals better understand the purpose of friendships vs. relationships.
Honestly, a relationship should be a friendship that consists of a desire to intimately share all of the nuances of your life with another individual while being sexually connected and profoundly committed.
In other words, a relationship should be a “2.0 version” of a friendship; it definitely shouldn’t be something that is void of one. Yet…many relationships are, which is why there is very little patience, compassion, and resilience in them. Sad. Very sad.
3. Take the pressure off.
Pressure may make diamonds; however, you know what else it creates? STRESS and please tell me when a stress-filled relationship has truly benefitted anyone. You know, some of the best relationships have happened when things didn’t come with stress, ultimatums, and agendas — instead, they evolved organically, which literally means that they developed, over the course of time, without the use of force (of any kind) or pressure.
By putting a friendship first and allowing it to grow, you’ll be amazed at what you will discover — about what you need/don’t need, want/don’t want, and how much a true friendship will benefit a relationship in the long run. Know what else? Less pressure allows room and space for authenticity and trust; that way, you can know who you are truly dealing with beyond surface-level attraction or oxytocin highs (good sex).
____
Me? I’m always gonna be a huge fan of relationships that were birthed out of friendships because I like houses that are built on solid foundations.
Some of y’all will catch that later…please make sure that you do. #wink
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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If you've been on TikTok lately, then you've probably engaged with a video or two about using castor oil to get great health benefits. As someone into holistic remedies and Ayurvedic medicine, I had to see what all the hype was about.
Now, I've already had a few experiences with castor oil. Years ago, I used to apply black Jamaican castor oil to my hair and my eyebrows to help them grow.
Also, my mom has often shared with me that growing up, my grandma would make them drink a spoonful of castor oil before starting the new school year.
According to her and other people 50+, drinking castor oil prevented them from getting sick, but it has an unpleasant taste. Fast forward to the present, we're seeing many people use castor oil in a variety of ways. Read below to see how to use castor oil and its benefits.
Castor Oil Benefits
Many TikTokers using castor oil claim that it brightens the skin, can shrink fibroids and cysts, supports liver and digestion, helps with menstrual cramps, can assist with weight loss, and more.
WebMD, however, lists castor oil benefits as constipation relief, may help to induce labor, may help heal wounds, and may help with inflammation due to its anti-inflammatory properties. Castor oil is made from seeds of the castor plant and it is very thick.
How To Use Castor Oil:
Castor Oil Packs
@nikki_kk19 Castor oil pack Castor oil pack for digestion Castor oil Benefits of castor oil Is castor oil good for bloating #castoroil #castoroilbenefit #castoroilpack #castoroilpacks #castoroilforbloating
Castor oil packs are an ancient practice that claims to help aid digestion, detox the liver, keep your stomach flat, and relieve menstrual cramps, especially when used with a hot water bottle. When wearing it to bed, beware that the oil can stain your sheets.
Drink It
@maryamjhampton Replying to @Mariama Bah castor oil gives the deepest cleanse ever #health #w #castoroil
Some people are using castor oil as a full body detox. TikToker @maryamjhampton shows us how to do it.
Rub Castor Oil Into Your Navel
@drsarubala #stitch with @PilatesBodyRaven sometimes we need to add in some extra nutrients when our sleep starts to improve 🫶🏾 #periodhealth #hormones #womenshealth #hormonehealth #cortisollevels #cortisol #castoroil
One of the most talked about ways to apply castor oil is by rubbing some into your navel. Some claim that it gave them the best sleep ever, and Dr. Bala explains why. Check out what she says in the TikTok above.
Add It To Your Skincare Routine
@itsjenniva Replying to @nitril0 Answering all of your questions about using castor oil on your face. #fyp #foryoupage #castoroil #castoroilbenefit #skincare #skincareroutine #skincaretips #skincaretiktok
TikToker @itsjenniva claims using castor oil has gotten rid of dark circles and overall brighten her skin. However, she did say that her skin went through a purge after using it. Speak to your dermatologist before adding it to your skincare routine.
Side Effects
@drjencaudle Castor Oil Packs? #castoroil #castoroilbenefit #castoroilbenefits #castoroilpack #castoroilforhair #castoroilforstomach #castoroilpacksbenefits #drjencaudle #fyp #fypシ
Although castor oil is a natural product, it can have some risks. It can cause skin irritation, and if you apply too much oil on your stomach or ingest too much, it can send you running to the bathroom.
While there isn't any scientific evidence that proves most of the claims are true, that shouldn't stop you from trying these tips. But make sure to start with a small amount to ensure no irritation occurs.
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