Quantcast

The Real Bobby V: A Conversation On Love, Emotional Safety & His Struggle To Find 'The One'

With a new album on the way, the R&B singer is looking for more than just sex in this xoExclusive.

#xoMan

The VividRich HQ warehouse is abuzz when I walk in. A photographer moves around equipment in one corner of the room, setting up for final shots against a massive white cyc wall, while stylists and assistants move to and fro.

On the other side of a wooden table littered with Chick-Fil-A wrappers, half-finished liquor bottles and the like, Bobby V, dressed in a black-and-gold-foiled long-sleeve shirt, charcoal-colored jeans, and tan suede shoes sifts through a brown monogrammed canvas Louis Vuitton travel bag. Subtle drip.

A look of frustration crosses his face as he searches frantically. He glances up as his manager and I walk in. After she announces my arrival for this exclusive xoNecole interview, his eyes take me in quizzically before he walks over and extends his hand along with a shower of compliments, true to his playboy charm.

"He makes everyone around him feel at ease; he's not like most celebrities that you meet," a friend tells me moments later as we watch him strike poses for his magazine shoot. "He's approachable, but he has that other side where he is who he is and loves the camera." In the distance, Bobby V shifts from one foot to another, doing a rhythmic dance with every shutter click of the camera as his upcoming album Sunday Dinner, which he says is his most heartfelt album, bumps in the background.

Sex, heartbreak, and falling in and out of love is a consistent narrative painted throughout the soundtracks of the artist's life. His hit single "Slow Down" from his debut album Bobby Valentino re-introduced to the world a then-25-year-old singer with catchy pick-up lines and vocal runs as beautiful as the women he chased after. Gone was the baby-faced boy from R&B group Mista singing "Blackberry Molasses" and songs with sweet melodies cascading over honey-laced lyrics. He was a grown man now experiencing the rollercoaster that is relationships, a ride in which he's yet to disembark from.

"Relationships are hard for me," he admits as we sit on a well-worn couch post-photo shoot, his black-and-gold threads replaced with a windbreaker and joggers. "My perspective on relationships...I can tell you all about it, and I can tell you about the person that you're interested in. But as far as me being in a relationship, it's kind of hard because I haven't really been in one in forever."

Stylist: @bdrstyling Photo Credit: @demarcusadams

"It's easy not to get your feelings hurt, and I get my feelings hurt even if I'm not in a relationship with somebody."

Hard to believe from someone who once said in an interview that he's "always been smooth with the ladies." Yet it's not so implausible from someone who has dedicated his career to detailing the nuances of love.

Like many of us, his first lessons on the four-letter word came from his parents. Bobby V, born Bobby Wilson, was raised in a traditional household where papa was a preacher and mama a doctor. His father served as the breadwinner of the family while his mom completed medical school, after which the financial roles reversed. "My dad was still a man—a strong man and a great father to me. So he was still the man of the household."

Bobby V's father would eventually transition into agriculture and co-launch the Metro Atlanta Urban Farm with his wife, a move that put his parents back on the same financial playing field. "I think that's really what makes for a great relationship---when y'all are equal. It doesn't necessarily have to be money-wise, it can be mental. You can have more money but not the brainpower, and you can have a woman; she may not have the money but she got the brains to take your money to another level."

As with all relationships, the marriage didn't come without its struggles. Bobby saw their union put to the test but also watched love bring them through. It's something he feels is lacking in our generation.

"My mama had to be really strong a lot of times, but the new age woman, when it's time to be strong— and I speak of the majority, not particularly you or somebody that does right— it seems like when it goes bad, people are quick to say it's messed up. People don't stick with it anymore. In the older days, there were issues, but they thugged it out and they made it happen."

Success in his early 20s had Bobby V singing a different tune. In 2005, he burst onto the music scene with his self-titled album featuring songs like "Tell Me", in which he boasted of being a "bad boy" that's "sure to please." He also jumped on the hook to Ludacris' "Pimpin' All Over the World" bragging of women and riches, and would later add unforgettable siren sounds to Lil' Wayne's "Mrs. Officer", assuring us that his sex game was a noteworthy symphony of pleasure.

But with fame and easy access to a multitude of women came the realization that everything that glitters ain't gold. His follow-up albums Special Occasion (2007) and The Rebirth (2009) featured tracks fluctuating between love and lust, wanting that special one while still juggling a few.

"When you're young as a man, you're chasing vagina," he says. "Not to say that I still may not chase it occasionally, but the older you get the more you realize that it's more than that. Especially when you're dealing with women because once you do that with her, everything else comes with it. The older you get and the more things you go through with relationships and dealing with people, you realize you know what, I may not need to have sex with her because there's a whole crazy land that comes after that."

He's certainly no stranger to crazy circumstances. In an interview with The Breakfast Club, he detailed an encounter with a flight attendant who attempted to run him over with her Lexus. "I've gone through some things where I knew it might have been wrong and I did it anyway, and I paid the consequences for it. So now I just go with what I already know. I can kind of tell off the dribble that this is going to be a problem."

I ask whether or not he thinks sex clouds judgment. If taking a dip in the pool before you allow a full-course meal of quality time and candid conversation to digest causes relationships to drown.

Stylist: @bdrstylingPhoto Credit: @aarondsmallsphoto

"Once you have sex, especially in the woman's eyes, she's given herself to you, so she's like, 'OK, what are we doing now?' I feel like women rush men to be in a relationship just because they have sex. Y'all not even cool. Y'all don't know each other. Before y'all even get into a relationship, y'all gotta go through the vesting period and know each other."

So how do you determine if a man's ready for a relationship? He says you'll know, without a doubt. With no pressure comes no games, no gray areas, no ghosting. "Once you pressure somebody to do something, you're not going to get the best out of him versus him wanting to do it. You have to give things a break and let things organically happen. I'm not saying you gotta wait for sex. You can wait six months and it still is nothing, or you can do it on the first or second night, and it can still be nothing— or it can be something real. There's no right or wrong with that. But at the same time, I feel like people rush into a relationship without knowing each other."

I get the feeling that the desire for someone to know the real Bobby V, not the one in salacious headlines, is the root of his relational pursuits. Let his music tell it, he's struggling to find the right woman. As an artist, he can't tell who's really here for him ("there are some professionals out here") and who's here because of the success that he's still grinding to maintain.

It's not like he hasn't tried either. He shares details with me on his latest digital romance with a 21-year-old on Instagram who, through a thorough social media search, he discovered was talking to an up-and-coming pro basketball player, as well as an ex who plays football internationally. "You can't really do nothing with that kind of woman because you already know what she's setting out to do," he says.

The encounter wasn't in vain, though. She served as inspiration for his latest single "Everybody", in which he croons, "I know you gotta lineup on the side / But you say you love me / Do you tell that shit to everybody?" Social media, he claims, is a downfall to relationships.

"All you gotta go do is look at who they follow and what pictures they're liking, and you're going to immediately get something in your mind whether they're doing something or not," he says.

The song echoes similar sentiments expressed in his single "Words" released nearly eight years ago on his fourth studio album Fly On the Wall.

You tell me I'm yo man make me think I'm all that
When I'm not around, do you take it all back?
Words don't mean that much to me girl

I'm a firm believer that love and fear cannot coexist. That fear prevents you from being fully present in a relationship and is an invisible barrier disguised as self-protection, and deflects the one thing we desire most. To love is to be vulnerable. As an R&B singer, he gets to express some of his deeper convictions more than most. But for the average man, when does he feel safe enough to be emotionally free?

"You know when you're safe," Bobby V says. "You know when somebody cares about you and likes you. They're checking on you all day. They're doing things for you without you even asking them to. You're talking to them throughout the day to where you feel so secure with that person. A lot of people will leave gray areas. You call them and they don't pick up. They'll hit you back two or three hours later, or whenever they feel like it. If you have a doubt about somebody, then that ain't right. I've met people that leave me no doubt that they only mess with me and me only. They do everything to make sure that I know, and when you do, that's when you're secure and that's when you open up to them."

Perhaps the issue isn't so much with finding the kind of women he says he wants—a woman he describes as mentally strong, who "wants to learn and wants to research, reads books, exercises, and goes extra hard to go after her goals and dreams." Rather, the problem may be rooted in the women he's choosing. Nonetheless, he's no longer concerned with looking for love.

"If you're out on the hunt you're not going to find nothing special. You've got to really just focus on you and focus on your dreams and your goals and your aspirations, and work towards what you want to do in your life. When you work towards your goals that person is going to find you.

Stylist: @bdrstylingPhoto Credit: @demarcusadams

"You're going to find each other because y'all are both working to be better. And when you're working to be better, you ain't even thinking about no relationship. That's when that other person is going to come and both of y'all are going to elevate each other."

It's the same advice he says he'd give his two-year-old daughter. "Chase your career, chase your goals, and everything else will fall into place."

Taking a dose of his own medicine, he's shifted his attention to upcoming album Sunday Dinner scheduled to release on Valentine's Day. He assures that this album is different. Deeper. Real. Sex songs are just dessert. He wants to talk about something that's a little more filling. "I've given you enough sex music. Let's talk about how beautiful on the inside someone is. Let's talk about waking up every day and you being able to walk and see and having all of your limbs and being healthy. Let's talk about karma, things that you've gone through and things that you did that you know ain't right, and karma coming back on you for that. Let's talk about leaving if somebody was in her shoes and if she did what I did to her— I would've left but she stayed."

Bobby V has made it his mission to put out music that reflects the conversations that his family and friends have around the dinner table every Sunday---a place where laughs, jokes, and discussions on life are shared, and where stories of giving back to the community. (Bobby's helped nine students graduate from college.) Talk about current events is also traded. "It's my duty to be thankful to be living and to be healthy, be thankful that I've gone through things that I've gone through and that I'm still here. To grind it out, work hard and continue to persevere and enlighten some people, and even make a blueprint of what R&B should be about."

"I still feel like I've only scratched the surface," he says. "I haven't even reached my potential. You can say that I had a lot of success in the beginning and that it's not as successful as it was, but I feel like life is peaks and valleys. You've got to be able to ride the rollercoaster, and you've got to hold on. If not, you're going to fall off and it's over with. So I really feel like this is the beginning of a legacy right now."

Shedding his player persona, the real Bobby V proves to be a family man desiring the love he sings about. He's figuring out this thing called life just like the rest of us. Maybe soon he'll bring that special woman home to meet mama after all.

Sunday Dinner will be available to stream and purchase on February 14, 2020. In the meantime, follow Bobby V on Instagram.

Special thanks to:

@TheSantiagofirm

@MelindaSantiago

Booking@TheSantiagofirm

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

I started dreaming about moving abroad when I was about 21 years old. I remember returning from a two-week study abroad trip to Dublin, Ireland having my eyes and mind wide open to the possibility of living overseas. This new travel passion was intensified after graduating from college in 2016, and going on a group trip to Italy. I was intoxicated by my love for Italy. It's hands down my favorite place. However, my post-grad life was one twist and turn after the next. I'm sure you can relate.

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

If you are a frequent reader of my articles, then you know that I am front-of-the-class here for the culture. Using all of my platforms to be vocal about Black women and all things Blackity, Black, Black, Black is how I get down, and frankly, if you aren't here for me bragging on my people, then we probably won't have much in common. The wave has been snowballing too, because so many feel the same way I do, which is something we've had to consciously build up as a community.

Keep reading... Show less

This article is in partnership with Staples.

As a Black woman slaying in business, you're more than likely focused on the bottom line: Serving your customers and making sure the bag doesn't stop coming in. Well, there's obviously more to running a business than just making boss moves, but as the CEO or founder, you might not have the time, energy, or resources to fill in the blanks.

Keep reading... Show less

Whether still dealing with the aftershocks of the pandemic, not being able to get enough time off or money being a little on the tight side is what's preventing you from going on a romantic vacation this summer, who's to say that you can't do a sexy staycation instead? If the mere thought of that feels like a poor man's — or woman's — consolation prize, I promise you that it absolutely does not have to. Opting to stay at home while possibly throwing in a couple of day trip adventures (which is a classic definition of a staycation, by the way) can be loads of fun, super romantic and also really cost effective without feeling mad cheap.

Keep reading... Show less

Growing up, my mother didn't let me wear make-up. At the time, I was pissed. Oh, but now that I'm deep into my 40s, I'm ever grateful because it's rare that a week will go by and someone won't be shocked when I tell them my age. Meanwhile, a lot of the — I'm gonna be real — white women who I went to high school with? Whenever I run into them, the combination of constant tanning and piling on cosmetics back in the day now has them looking several — and I do mean, several — years older than I.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

'Insecure' Writer Mike Gauyo Talks His Journey From Med School To The Writers' Room

"Meeting Issa Rae was a story of perseverance, following up, being persistent and all of the characteristics and attributes you need to be a successful writer."

Latest Posts