What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Do More Often
In order to be successful in life, we need to prepare ourselves for just about anything, right? So, just in case you happen to get a call to be a contestant on Jeopardy and then, just in case one of the categories is "vagina" (which is the entry into the body; the outer part is our labia), here are some random facts that you should know.
The word vagina is Latin for "sheath"; a sheath is a covering for a sword or dagger. Hmm…remember in the song "Rump Shaker", there's a line that says, "Now since you've got the body of the year, come and get the award. Here's a hint—it's like a long, sharp sword"? Welp. (By the way, the hymen is named after the Greek goddess of marriage.)
Most of the nerve-endings in our vagina is located within the first 1-2 inches of it. The average penis is 5" when it's erect. So no, you don't need a man who's "packin'" in order to have a really good time. That's a (media) myth. You'd be far better off with someone who knows what he's doing—"average" or not.
While the hair on our head can grow for seven years, our pubic hair grows for no more than three weeks before a new cycle starts. And yes, pubic hair serves a purpose—it can protect us from bacteria, serve as a cushion from friction and abrasions, and it also decreases our chances of getting an STD since shaving or waxing could leave sores behind and make us susceptible to them (if the person we're sleeping with is infected).
These are just some of the things that make our vaginas so fascinating. Hands down, they are super special (just look at what men go through just to get close to one!). Still, sometimes we don't give our "passion flowers" (a popular nickname for it) the kind of attention that it deserves.
So, in honor of knowing that our vaginas could probably stand to get some extra TLC, here's what my research revealed that a lot of us could probably stand to do more often for/to it:
1.Wear Cotton Underwear
First up, if you've got any panties in your collection that are older than 6-12 months, you should toss 'em. There is bacteria (plus about one-tenth gram of feces) that could still be in your underwear that could lead to irritation.
When you head out to buy some new ones, it's best that they are made out of cotton (organic cotton, if you can); high-tech polyester comes in as a close second. Since they're the kind of fabric that breathe and absorb liquid, they significantly decreases your chances of having a yeast infection.
If you're thinking this means that you have to go without thongs, well, it is important to do all things in moderation (thongs tend to be pretty tight). But so long as you're wearing a size that actually fits and they also are made out of cotton (100 percent cotton), you should be all good.
2.Wash Your Undies by Hand
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Tossing your underwear into the wash with the rest of your clothes may be quicker and easier but it's kinda wreaking havoc on them at the same time. It really is best to wash your undies by hand in the sink with a hypo-allergenic detergent.
If you'd still prefer to use your washing machine, cop a few mesh bags to put them in, set your machine to hot when cleaning them. Oh, just to be extra safe—before putting your panties in, put about a ½ cup of bleach into the machine and let it run a full wash cycle in order to sanitize it.
3.Take a Probiotic
When it comes to vaginal health, it's always a good idea to take a proactive approach. One of the best ways to keep yeast and bacterial infections at bay is to take a probiotic on a daily basis. It's what maintains "friendly bacteria" in our gut and vaginal tract while also keeping our pH levels in check.
When shopping for a probiotic, make sure that it contains lactobacillus, bifidobacterium, or saccharomyces boulardii in it (preferably all three). It also needs to contain at least one billion forming colony units in it (it'll say so on the bottle).
If you've never taken a probiotic before and, at first, you feel gassy or your stool patterns shift, generally that's nothing to worry about. It simply means that the probiotics are taking effect.
As far as probiotic foods go, yogurt definitely tops the list. Also, fermented foods like pickles, sauerkraut, kombucha, miso soup and brine are good. So is dark chocolate (the kind that contains 70 percent or more cocoa).
4.Also Take Some Omega-3s
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Something else that your vagina needs is healthy dosages of omega-3 oil. The acids in them help to increase blood circulation, even down in the genitalia region. You know what that means—more orgasms! Also, if a shift in your hormones has led to vaginal dryness or even atrophy, omega-3 can soothe your labia's skin and even help to restore lubrication.
Taking a daily supplement is a good idea. Also, foods that are really high in omega-3 include walnuts, salmon, sardines, pastured eggs and spinach.
5.Do Kegel Exercises
What is such a big deal about kegels? Your bladder, uterus, rectum and yes, even your vagina are all encased in what are known as your pelvic floor muscles. Kegels are what help to keep them nice and strong. The stronger they are, the more support your back and hips will get; the less you'll have to worry about a leaky bladder; the quicker your pelvic region can bounce back after childbirth and the easier it will be to not only have orgasms but intensified orgasms (yes!).
If you've never tried kegels before, you can learn more about it here. If you'd like to try it with a Yoni egg, there's a sistah that breaks that down here.
6.Make Your Own Lube
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Sex is great. Really great. But sometimes the friction that comes from having it creates little micro-tears in our urethra and vagina. Whenever that happens, it leaves us susceptible to infection. We're more vulnerable to this happening if our vagina is dry.
If you need a little extra help staying wet down there, either purchase a water-based lube or, even better, make some of your own. You can get your hands on an all-natural recipe here.
7.Occasionally Check Your Clitoris
One time I read a story that took a good two weeks to get out of my head. A woman said that she let her pubic hair get so long that some of it got caught up into her clitoral hood and caused it to swell so big and hurt so much that she decided to have her hood removed. Eww and ouch.
My takeaway was to check my own clitoral hood more often. Not so much for hair but dry skin, left behind discharge, etc. A couple of times, I did find a few things lingering, so I did some research on what I needed to do to remove it.
All you need is to dab a Q-tip into some olive or sweet almond oil and gently rub it around your hood. If you do it right after washing your vagina, it should easily dislodge anything that may be caught up in it. The more you know, chile.
8.Bathe. Differently.
There's nothing like soaking in a hot bath with a candle, some wine and 90s R&B for at least an hour. On some levels, it's really good for our health. Soaking in warm water can increase our blood circulation, expand our lung capacity (making it easier for us to breathe), calm our nervous system, soothe our joints and muscles and even help to balance out our hormones.
But when it comes to our vaginas, it comes with its own set of pros and cons. On one hand, if you put nothing in your water other than baking soda or apple cider vinegar (if you need to balance out its pH levels), it could be good. But all of the bubble bath products combined with your vagina's pores being open due to the water, could irritate your vagina; it might even cause a vaginal infection.
Bottom line—shower as much as you bathe and, for the sake of your vagina, try and keep all of the "extras" out of the water when you choose to soak in the tub.
Oh, and try and avoid rubbing your vagina with a terry cloth towel when you get out. Your vulva (the external opening of your vagina) is super sensitive and that could irritate it. Pat dry instead.
9.Sleep Naked
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There are all sorts of reasons why sleeping naked as often as possible (so long as you bathe daily and change your sheets weekly) is a good idea. It lowers your body temperature by activating brown fat and stimulating your metabolism. It decreases the stress hormone cortisol while raising the sleep-inducing hormone melatonin so that you can sleep more soundly. If you're not sleeping alone, the skin-to-skin contact that comes from being next to your partner raises the oxytocin levels in your body, which makes you feel safer (hornier too).
And yes, it's just one more thing that is great for your vagina. Remember, your va-jay-jay is cooped up in a pair of undies for hours at a time each and every day. It's pretty warm and wet down there, making it the ideal breeding ground for bacteria and infections. Sleeping naked all night gives your vagina time to air itself out, decreasing the chances of it getting "sick."
10. Love Your Vagina (and Labia)—Just the Way It Is
A couple of years ago, it was reported that vaginoplasty (a vaginal reconstruction procedure) went up 39 percent. As someone who used to work with a ministry that deals with the porn industry, for the most part, I think that's sad. I say that because I've literally heard women say, "I want a vagina like Jenna Jameson or Sara Banks."
Think about how insulted you would feel if someone who loved you said, "You'd be prettier if you got plastic surgery." While your vagina can't use words, I think it would be insulted if we tried to change it.
As far as vaginas go, each one has its own look and scent and, so long as it's healthy, there's nothing wrong with that. Out of all of the things that your vagina needs you to do, make sure that loving it, just the way that it is, tops your list.
When you think about all that it does for us, it's truly extraordinary. No changes needed.
Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel and Amer Woods, for conversations over cocktails by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on March 20, 2019
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
GiphyAbout five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
GiphySociety is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
GiphyThe reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
Giphy“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
GiphyOkay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
GiphyAs we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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