Gather around, everyone. I have a story to tell––a modern-day love story.
It was the year 2018 and I was a wreck. I was emotionally drained from a toxic relationship, so I bought myself a flight from Chicago to Los Angeles for a week-long getaway. I was able to shut off my phone, ignore work emails, and simply relax.
While I was there, I met this eccentric woman who could read people's energies with the touch of their hand. When she read mine, she told me that in August I will meet someone who will come into my life and give me the support I needed. Fast forward to a year later, I didn't know that this certain someone would actually appear and we would connect the way that we did. Especially at an inconvenient time.
I met him in August 2019 and we can call him "A".
I could be my complete self around him…
People have told me that I am charismatic and multidimensional. It really depends on the person I'm around at the time. But with "A", it didn't matter. He was able to see all the different sides of me and I didn't shy away from them either.
Not once did he judge me for knowing all the lyrics to College Dropout and can sing every classic Disney song under the sun (off-key, by the way). I like to hear corny jokes and I like to critique movies from start to finish––so did he. I remember when I would have solo dance performances in the middle of any room and he would join me with moves of his own. It was a level of comfort that just came naturally for "A" and me.
He was the friend I wasn't looking for…
Ironically, having mutual friends is how we met in the first place. So, it wasn't difficult for us to be open with each other. We were able to talk about our childhood, secret creative passions, and what we wanted for the future. We also showed up for each other, which was huge for me.
"A" genuinely supported me with my career and my writing. I didn't even ask for him to do that. It was nice to know that whenever one of us felt anxious or doubtful, we would be right there telling the other person, you got this. "A" was the hype man I never knew I needed.
He reintroduced me to intimacy…
I used to associate intimacy with sex. In the past, I was involved with emotionally detached men. So, I was used to dealing with men who, outside of sex, were unaffectionate and always had their guards up. "A" was the opposite. With "A", I was able to be vulnerable with him. I was given the space to enjoy being present with someone no matter what we did.
Whether it was cuddling on the couch, cooking our favorite meal, working out together, etc. There are so many ways to show intimacy that I didn't even realize. I suddenly figured out that true quality time is my perfect ending after a long day of work. Like a calm peaceful landing, "A" felt like home.
He didn't complete me…
When I met "A", I didn't look for ways for him to complete me. I didn't convince myself that he was the answer to all of my problems. People sometimes make the mistake of seeing a friend or partner filling empty voids or bandaging heartbreak. I didn't see "A" that way.
When I looked at "A", I saw a man. A man who was strong, but a man with his own flaws nonetheless. I was aware to not project any of my issues on him and he would do the same. Neither of us was in search of perfection. We accepted each other for who we were as individuals with no pressure or expectations.
But, it was time to focus on me…
Even though I met this great man in August, this specific August was not a time to meet someone new. I was in a season of transition and selfishness. When "A" came along, I had just started a new job, I was going to therapy, newly single, and going back to school. I was in a good mental space.
I told myself that I was going to prioritize this time in my life for unapologetic self-love. I didn't want to jump into another relationship. I just wanted to focus on being committed to me. I made sure "A" didn't take up all of my free time. He wasn't a distraction, but someone I could enjoy life with. I needed to intentionally pour into myself instead of pouring into someone else.
He knew I deserved more…
"A" couldn't give his all to me and I respected that. He was honest about where he was in life and refused to string me along. He spared me from the usual cycle of men being "one foot in and one foot out" in relationships. He knew what my values were and encouraged me not to bend them, not even for him.
Despite how our feelings grew since day one, it wouldn't be fair to either of us to be in a situation we weren't completely ready for. I know for me, I never want to be in a position where I compromise my needs again. "A" knew this and was clear that I deserved to have all my needs met. No one should ever settle for good enough.
It's funny how they say when you find your person it's going to be magical. Where the person sweeps you off your feet. A woman walked into a bar and locked eyes with a man from two tables away. But in this instance, no feet were swept, it was just being at the right place at the wrong time.
I still believe that "A" and I were meant to be, just like that eccentric woman told me. But we all can agree that life is unpredictable. Who knows when "A" and I will cross paths again? Perhaps it's not about if we are ready for love, but if love is ready for us. I'm still learning as we speak. Whether you believe in people telling you the future or that things just happen by chance; people come into our lives on accident and stay on purpose.
So, to the man who inspired this article, if you're reading this, I'm glad you stayed as long as you did. I love you for that.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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