My New Job Taught Me To Be OK With Failure
Being taught "you have to be twice as good to get half of what they have" was the beginning of my perfectionism. The saying that permeates the walls of black homes taught me two things: one, I need to work extra hard, and two, I cannot mess up. A microscope was on me, as a black woman, to do things right and to do things well.
This became evident in all my professional roles. Goals must be met, procedures must be followed, and visions must be executed seamlessly. I totally understood why—the work being done was important. As a marketing professional, communicating the wrong information to the public could lead to missed deadlines, unmet fundraising goals, and poor event attendance. As a resource development strategist, unmet fundraising goals meant major community programs wouldn't get off the ground because the resources weren't available; the most vulnerable populations wouldn't be served. And as a student affairs practitioner, inaccurate academic records and a lack of student resources meant low retention rates and unfulfilled degrees.
All of these would be serious problems, but none of them are life-threatening.
My desire to be perfect and my past jobs’ unwillingness to honor failure was a recipe for disaster.
Anxiety-inducing, stressful disaster. So, when I started my new job, I was completely shaken up by my supervisor's excitement for failure.
During the first interview, I was asked about my thoughts on failure. Considering what I mentioned above, I responded honestly, "While I think it's necessary, I've never been allowed the space to fail in the workplace." The interviewer immediately shot back, "At this department, we honor failure. We want our team to fail so they can find a new solution. We want them to fail so they can learn something they never knew. And most importantly we want our team to be okay with failure."
Did this mean they had low expectations? No. It simply meant that they cared more about growth than they did about perfection.
I was excited about the possibility of working at a place that honored failure, but I didn't realize how challenging it would be to release the strongholds of perfectionism and the fear of failure — even at a place that expected it.
I started the new position with the anxiety from my last job. Worried that I won't do things right, stressed that I'll mess everything up, dabbling heavily in a bit of impostor syndrome. My supervisor constantly spent time reassuring me that she doesn't care about failure, she cares about me not learning something from it. "That's when we'll have a problem," she said. And that's when it stuck for me.
Failure isn’t a destination, nor is it an end—failure is a lesson. A redirection.
Whether I wanted to acknowledge this or not, I'd been failing at things all my life. I've had failed relationships that led me closer to myself. A failed bank account that taught me how to properly save. Failed relationships that led me closer to the man of my dreams. Failed job experiences that better equipped me to handle the toxicity that comes with some workplaces. Failed side hustles that reminded me (honestly) what I am and am not good at.
All my 'failures' served as lessons to position me for something greater. They all taught me something new about myself and helped me get clearer about my expectations and goals. They all shaped me. They taught me a different way to approach the same problem. They helped me to identify multiple solutions and taught me how to choose the best one. They guided me toward strategy. And even helped me figure out how to overcome hardship and adversity.
Failure isn't all bad and I'm learning that more and more each day. So instead of being afraid of it, perhaps it's time we start welcoming it. Perhaps it's time we recognize that much like success, there is purpose in failure too. And perhaps we learn to use failure to become our best selves, rather than wallow in self-pity.
“We honor failure here.”
When my supervisor said those words, and immediately followed up to make sure I understood and was okay with that, she allowed me the space and freedom I always longed to have at work. One where creativity and trust looms. One where people know the world isn't ending if something isn't "right".
And one where, despite being a black woman who has to work twice as hard to get half of what they have, I am allowed the same grace as everyone else.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Perfection Is The Thief Of Joy: Why Progression Is Key
This Clip About Finding Yourself Through Failure Is The Midweek Inspiration You Need
6 Signs You Are WAY Too Self-Critical
When You Feel Like You've Accomplished Nothing In Your Life
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Zoe Hunter is the writer, speaker, and creator behind the women empowerment brand DEAR QUEENS. She uses vulnerability, storytelling, and spiritual development to empower women toward healthy decision-making. Stay connected to Zoe's work by visiting DEARQUEENS.com or following her on Twitter @zDEARQUEENS.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images