I've been saved for about eight years now. I've been going to church with my friends since I was a preteen, but it wasn't until I graduated college that I realized the importance of cultivating a spiritual life and understanding what that meant. On New Year's Eve in 2011, I found and selected my first ever church home, and have been fully committed to growing in Christ ever since. But finding and going to church is merely a fraction of the journey.
Learning to hear from God, being obedient and aligned, and reading (and understanding) The Word were also necessary for this journey I was embarking on.
The latter, surprisingly, was the hardest.
The Bible can be challenging to read. The repetition, the various interpretations, the length — it always seemed intimidating to me. I wanted to know more than the convenient clichés we say to ourselves. I wanted to do more than rely on devotionals. I wanted to actually know The Word. For years, I searched for a solution. I bought various study bibles, tried to use devotionals, and even signed up for bible reading plans and small groups through the church. Nothing helped.
Not until I stumbled upon this Bible plan.
SUNDAY's Bible Study Plan helped me sort through my questions, shaped how I dissected The Word and helped me create a habit of what I spent so much time avoiding.
The plan is split into two books: Old Testament and New Testament. Each one provides context about each book of the Bible — who it was written by, the date, audience, and reason it was written, and key themes. It also provides questions that help guide your reading and understanding. It provides a space (figuratively and literally) for you to find answers in the text, search for answers through your own research, and offer up your own personal thoughts on the reading.
Questions like, "What leadership traits did Moses acquire during his time in the wilderness as a shepherd?" and "What is the 'Day of the Lord' that Joel speaks of?" set a good foundation for deepening my understanding of the passage.
Questions like, "What does the story show you about the importance of obedience?" and "What personal applications can you pull out of your study of Deuteronomy?" encouraged me to think of ways that the text shows up in my everyday life — and if it doesn't, how can I apply it in a way that does so.
This format allowed me to treat the reading almost like a textbook, in that I could read the book first (or smaller sections of each book), and answer the questions later, to ensure I retained the main themes. And it provided me with reflection questions that allowed me to think deeper and apply The Word to my life.
SUNDAY's Bible Study Plan is equal parts educational and engaging. It made me want to continue pursuing The Word. Each night, I went to bed with a few unanswered questions, and every day I woke up ready to answer them. I thirsted for more clarity and more knowledge. I even found myself asking additional questions and pursuing the answers. My thirst for Bible exploration heightened tremendously, and I have this study plan to thank for it.
I finally found something that helps me understand The Word, and with its help, I plan to read The Bible from cover-to-cover. So, if reading The Bible is one of your new year's resolutions, try this bible study plan and see how it helps!
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It was in 2010 when I realized that establishing work friendships was important. I had started working at my second internship which was—at that point in my life—the closest to full-time work I had experienced. The office was preparing to launch a major initiative that my coworker and I were hired to coordinate. Both of us were college students. Neither of us had any experience doing something like this.
While he and I grew closer, I found myself retreating to an older black woman to help me process and handle the hardships of the project: the poor instruction, the lack of guidance, the dysfunctional leadership, and ultimately, the challenges on the day of. She became a sounding board for me during difficult times, and when I decided it was time for me to move on, she was there as well; supporting me boldly and covering for me as my attitude became reflective of my unhappiness.
Despite the popular belief that work is no place to make friends, I have always believed in the power of work friendships. I thought that, if nothing else, those friendships could certainly help pass the time. They could make the darkest day a little brighter and add humor to the dullest work meetings.
But it wasn't until I experienced the love of an older black woman in a toxic workspace that I realized that work friendships were not only important for my enjoyment of a role but that they are critical to my progress and success as a young professional black woman. Here's why:
Building Positive Relationships At Work
Find your "work auntie", find your champion.
That's what I call them—work aunties. A term of endearment for only the most well-intentioned, supportive, nurturing female co-workers.
At every job that I'd had for more than a year, there's been an older black woman (or two) who's been willing to go to war for—and with—me. Women who knew how to support me in the throes of a trying work culture. Women whose prayers have revived and re-centered me when I was preparing to jump off the deep end.
They will lift you up time and time again.
They've helped me navigate difficult breakups and made themselves available to me during mid-work breakdowns. They've told me about myself when my personal life was impeding on my work performance—and would cover me just the same when I couldn't muster up the strength to focus on improving it.
Wonderful black (and some, white) women who affirmed me when impostor syndrome and self-doubt set in. Women who knew my worth and made sure others knew it as well. Women who petitioned for me for promotions, special projects, and raises. Women who didn't have to do any of that but chose to anyway.
See, as a young 20-something-year-old, those relationships were critical to my professional growth—especially as a woman of color. And that shared responsibility of love and support in the workplace wasn't foreign to me either.
In return, you can be a bomb af "work niece".
Offering love and support to the women who felt stuck and unfulfilled. I added a bit of laughter and intercession to the women who spent all day supporting others. I provided a millennial perspective to those who had children my age and added a drop of understanding to their parenthood.
There's so much untapped value in cultivating tight-knit friendships in the place you spend most of your waking hours. There's comfort in being able to confide in people who know exactly what you mean when you discuss colleagues, the demands of your job, or the toxic work culture. There's beauty in being able to walk into a co-worker's office, close their door, and cry to keep yourself from quitting. Beyond just professional benefits—references, a network, and growth opportunities—there's this inconceivable beauty created by forging meaningful friendships with co-workers.
Developing positive work relationships is the gift that keeps on giving if you allow it.
While I've never started a job hoping to make friends, some of the most meaningful friendships I've had have been cultivated through work. They've been nurtured by break room vent sessions; honored by "I'm running late, cover for me" text messages; and protected by "let's get this done together" project collaborations.
We've formed prayer groups during our lunch hour and started walking groups for the sake of mental health and physical fitness. We've celebrated each other's promotions and supported each other's personal work.
And while I know work relationships like this are rare, I also know that they are possible. I merely suggest that, instead of shying away from them, women begin to pursue and embrace them. I pray that women find work aunties and become them, too. And largely, I hope that these relationships begin to help you just as much as they've helped me.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
3 Compelling Reasons To Make Friends With Women You Work With
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What Happened When I Tried Being More Assertive At Work
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At the start of the year, my mother and I sat down to create a budget. It was laid on my heart to start saving for my wedding because I knew it wouldn't be cheap. I was single, but I went with it anyway.
I decided to save a certain amount of money this year and knew that meant cutting out some of my excessive spending – the most of which was attributed to vacationing.
I spent anywhere between $800-$1500 per trip. This varied based on location, duration, and whether an all-inclusive resort was an option or not. I may not have vacationed often, but when I did, I did it well. Cutting this per trip expenditure out of my yearly budget had the potential to bring me well above my savings goal.
This was a major – and worthwhile – sacrifice.
With my love for islands, and the Caribbean Sea, I went into it knowing it would be hard. What I didn't know, however, was how abstaining from vacations this year would lead me toward a deeper path of self-discovery.
Admittedly, many of my vacations were an attempt to escape some hardship. I vacationed when I graduated with my Master's and had no idea of my next move. I vacationed after I lost a valuable friendship. I even vacationed (a lot) after ending a three-year relationship. Unlike past years, escaping to a tropical paradise wasn't an option in 2018.
When life became challenging, I had nowhere to run. I couldn't hop on a flight and temporarily ignore my problems. I couldn't explore new terrains, imagining that it was my new life. I simply had to sit and deal with whatever life was throwing. I'd still take vacation days from work – because, self-care – but I did not accompany those vacation days with an actual vacation. Instead, I used those moments to pursue clarity and peace right where I was.
There was beauty in doing so that I had never taken time to understand. There was so much possibility in healing right at home. For as long as I could afford taking vacations, I vacationed. I'd venture off to discover a new part of the world and find a new part of myself. I pursued healing in different countries and found fun in places that I would have to spend loads of money to visit again. As memorable as those times were, they weren't sustainable.
Why should my only source of fun come from the exploration of foreign places?
Why should healing only happen poolside?
Why should my only escape be by way of a 4-hour flight to an island in the Caribbean?
And how come the idea of living my best life is only reflected in my ability to do these things, to visit these places, and to take pictures to prove it?
Truthfully, there is nowhere I could go that would make me immune to life happening. I could vacation for 13 days and return to the same turmoil I had just left. Since I couldn't run away from life this year, I decided to craft the life I desired. Finding fun and creating the best life right where I was.
In my moments of sadness or anger, I would retreat to my apartment, turn the lights off, light some candles, and find zen in the smooth sounds of my favorite soulful artists. Doing this helped me create a peaceful space in my own home. I set up a fortress that I could utilize for meditating and self-discovery; this served to be incredibly helpful for re-centering myself after bad days.
In the moments I needed fun, I would use Eventbrite and Instagram to find activities that could provide the level of "turn up" I was looking for. Doing this helped me make new local friends and explore events within the city that I never knew existed – events that I would later frequent.
When I needed time to simply relax, I would schedule a sauna visit at a spa about 20 minutes from my apartment, sit in solitude, and listen to ocean waves, compliments of Pandora Radio. On special occasions, I'd include a one-hour facial. This provided me with a similar sense of isolation and calm as my usual vacation, for a fraction of the cost.
With all these alternatives, I haven't missed vacationing at all.
This year, I learned that living my best life isn't about escaping from the life I have, it's about embracing it. It's about exploring the places right outside my front door and finding joy in what each one has to offer. It wasn't about counting down until my next trip, it was about enjoying each moment for what it was. It was about fostering growth in the space God placed me to grow in. It was about being able to find refuge, and healing, and possibility, and fun wherever I went.
It was about curating a fulfilling life right here, right now. This is my version of my best life.
This isn't to say that you shouldn't take vacations. Of course you should! It's to suggest that if you're looking for your best life, it can be found right where you are.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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As cuffing season kicks off, many people are finalizing their rosters and securing their bae slots. If you're a little late to the party, cuffing season is the timeframe during the winter months where you're "off the market". During cuffing season, you could agree to be in an official relationship, or a situationship – it's completely based on your preference. The premise is simple though: it's cold outside, let's cuddle up!
Whether you're aiming to be "boo'd up" with your official bae or your cuffing season recruit, now is the time to get your date nights in before settling on your final pick. And if you typically struggle with date night questions, here are a few creative first date questions to get the conversation started!
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10 Creative First Date Questions
Is your work fulfilling?
This is a creative spin to the "what do you do?" question. The answer to this question, if responded to elaborately, can tell you where they work, what they do, and what their professional passions are. It also has the potential to lend insight into their ambition and future professional plans, without having to ask the predictable "what's your five-year plan?" question.
What’s the last book you read?
Typically, the books we read tell us about our interests or our fantasies. I'm either diving head first into self-help or inspirational books because that's what my spirit needs, or I'm drinking wine and reading a raunchy sex novel because celibacy is hard. Either way, what I read correlates directly to my interests – or my struggles. Allowing your date night partner to share more about what books are currently on their roster, can lead to a few good follow-up questions about what interested them to read the book, and what lessons they may have learned from it, bringing you a little deeper into their world. And if nothing else, it may give you an idea of the next book you should pick up.
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What are your thoughts on rape culture?
This is a question I know we all want to shy away from. The usual rule-of-thumb for first date questions is to avoid political conversations, but with the current start of our culture, this may be a very necessary question to ask. This can provoke a lot of interesting thought, or fuel an intense debate, however, it's not just about assessing political views as it is about personal safety. What someone feels about rape culture can highlight misogyny, sexism, and loads of other red flags. But, confrontational conversations don't have to be all bad, this question – if approached correctly – can serve as a great opportunity to educate each other.
Do you have a passport?
Now I'm not saying that most people travel with their cuffing season boos, but I am saying, if you want to travel with your cuffing season boo, this question is imperative. You can't take an impromptu #baecation if bae isn't ready when it's time. There may be a valid reason why they don't have a passport, and that may be a conversation worth having. But if you're adamant about exploring different countries, be sure to find out if potential bae is too.
How do you define happiness? Would you say you’ve mastered it?
So often in relationships we place the burden of our happiness on our partners. This question attempts to identify if this potential boo, falls into that same habit. Understanding someone's idea of happiness and if they've manifested it (or are at least trying to), can set the tone for the joy you may – or may not – experience with each other. It'll also give you an in to what brings them joy and if your idea of happiness aligns with theirs.
Who are you?
There's nothing quite as fulfilling as dating someone who's self-aware. They know their quirks, their flaws, and everything in between. Someone who can define themselves within the context of their own self-discovery is well worth continuing to get to know. This question allows them to share with you, the person they've found in their own pursuit of discovery, and give them a moment of transparency for communicating to you exactly who they are.
Tip: don't have an expectation for their response. It's important that you allow your bae-candidate to authentically express themselves and whatever identities they uphold.
What is important to you?
Allow your date to open up and be candid about the important pieces of their life. I fell in love with my ex, in part, by how he spoke so lovingly about his son and how much having him changed his life. Allowing people the space to openly talk about the important parts of their lives helps shatter some walls and builds connection.
Do you live alone?
This isn't necessarily creative, but if you don't want to be snowed in with bae and two roommates, I suggest you get this question answered and out of the way.
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When’s the last time you prayed?
For me, spiritual connection is important. And while everyone is on their own journey – and at their own place of spiritual development – identifying the last time someone prayed is a huge marker to how frequently they commune with God; especially since someone's church attendance – identified by the usual "do you go to church" question – does not necessarily mean they have a relationship with God. This can also spark a conversation about faith, church, and other spiritual beliefs. Obviously, if faith isn't important to you, you can skip this one.
Among your friends, what are you best known for?
With this question, you'll learn more about the company bae keeps, and about what role they play in the clique. This can be important if you like to woo the crew, or if your single homegirls are still playing the field. Double dates "on fleek"! If you live in a small city, it'll also give you a moment to dissect their tribe and assess if that is the company you want yourself associated with.
It wouldn't behoove you to ask all these questions at once, as the date will quickly turn into a counseling session. However, asking a variety of these questions can offer insight into the person's heart and mind, and can provide the spark all first date conversations should be made of. Using these questions as a guide to incite thoughtful conversation and friendly debate (emphasis on friendly) can help weed out the f*ckboys and help ensure that your cuffing season bae is top quality.
