I have worked at some of the largest corporations in America. I have also worked at some of the best law firms in this country. By most accounts, I would be considered "successful".
For the most part, I felt prepared to work in corporate America, but I must say, I was not prepared to feel some of the inadequacies, loneliness, and - if I'm keeping it all the way 100 - anger that I felt while working in predominantly White corporate environments. I mean, after all, I was basically told my entire life that as long as I worked twice as hard as everyone else, I would do well and climb the corporate ladder. But what I have concluded is that working twice as hard doesn't work and we should stop giving out that advice.
Growing up, I was told, "You have to work twice as hard to get half," or "You need to make sure you don't make mistakes," or better yet, "Never let them see you sweat, cry, or look weak." But after looking at the abysmal numbers of Blacks in the C-Suite, I have concluded that although working twice as hard might help select individuals gain success, bearing the burden of the "twice as hard" mentality has not helped increase the numbers of Blacks at the top of the corporate ladder. So, I think it's time that we start giving out different advice -- work hard and if your company doesn't appreciate you, learn all you can, and then strategically position yourself to own your own company or at a minimum, leave that company.
Plan for success instead of just dreaming about itGetty Images
Numbers don't lie, and we are still underrepresented in almost every major professional field, but the numbers of Black professionals are particularly dismal in the STEM, legal, and medical professions.
Why? Simple. Many of the organizations in which we work were never built with us in mind – not us as Black professionals anyways. Many of us work in corporations, firms, and organizations that started at a time when Blacks and Whites couldn't share a bathroom - let alone an office space. So, it is no wonder that no matter how hard you work as a Black professional, it is possible that you may still be undervalued, underpaid, and overlooked.
Could this be fixed? Here's the thing, if organizations really wanted true diversity, where racially diverse professionals felt valued and free to be themselves, they could obtain that. But in order to effectuate the change companies need to put in place systems by which individual bad behavior could be policed; real systems that punish things like implicit bias, racist remarks from superiors, and inequitable reviews across professionals of different races. But, until organizations put these systems in place and punish those that perpetuate inequality within these organizations, there will never be true racial diversity.
So what's our takeaway? We will never have power if we are seeking it from organizations that were never built with us in mind. Our power is found in knowing who we are absent the approval of unjust systems.
Instead of teaching our kids to work twice as hard to seek the approval of people and companies that simply don't know how to appreciate and respect Black brilliance, let's start teaching our kids that racist systems will never be able to fully value them because many were never built with them in mind, but they are exceptional whether it's recognized or not.
Consider this, if I built my house for people that are three feet tall, could a man that was five feet tall enter my house? Maybe, but it would be uncomfortable and after a while, he would have to leave. Why? Because he would start experiencing pain from being in an environment that was not built for him. Where would he go? Well, probably back to his own home.
Nothing will stop of us nowGetty Images
We need to find our own homes.
So, are we helpless? Absolutely not. Find your voice. Believe in yourself. Get centered and ask for wisdom in navigating systems that were never truly built for you in the first place. And, if you want to dominate those systems and organizations, you can, but there's a cost that you have to be willing to pay. Nothing's free.
Here's what I don't think some people understand: when you are Black and every single day you walk into a company where the only other Blacks you see are working in service positions, and not as your professional peers, it weighs on you in a way that is often not discussed. It tells you that you are an anomaly, but overall your people aren't "good enough" to do this job, and, if I am being all the way real, the implication is really that maybe you aren't good enough either.
Before owning my own firm, I remember making a conscious effort, daily, not to internalize the subliminal messages that a predominately White workspace spews out, but it was not easy. And to work in that type of an environment for a certain amount of time requires you to sacrifice a piece of yourself that I am not sure many are willing to sacrifice. What piece? Your voice.
Getty Images
You are expected to be grateful for a seat at the table, but you are often not invited to talk.
God forbid you want to call out racism or inequality – it can impair your chances of rising to the top. We need to prepare Black professionals early for the very real battles they will face when working in systems that were built at a time when Blacks were only expected to do one thing: serve and service White folks.
At some point, we have to expect greater and not entrust our worth to unjust systems. I learned this the hard way, but in 2018, I left my close to $300,000 a year cushy corporate law firm job to open my own law firm, Mobile General Counsel, which helps entrepreneurs to legally protect their businesses with trademarks and contracts. I also provide gender, generational, and racial diversity trainings to corporations and colleges across the country. The fact that I've been able to help dozens of minority-owned companies is a major plus of my new path, especially since while working for large Chicago-based law firms, none of my corporate clients were Black-owned.
Even though I left corporate America to be an entrepreneur, I don't think we should have to choose between a hostile corporate work environment or entrepreneurship. Companies should work harder to make all employees feel valued, but until they do, don't you worry, know this:
Your brilliance is beyond measure. Your swag stays on one million and despite what your colleagues, superiors, and peers may tell you, you can do anything that you put your mind to.
In case no one has told you today, you are valuable. You are doing a great job. You matter. The world needs your voice. Your ideas are earth shattering and your presence is felt.
If no one else has said this to you, hear it from me, I respect you and I hope that you keep your head up and eyes on the big picture when working while black.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Getty Images
Originally published March 8, 2019
- Signs A Company Is Values Diversity - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Start Being Seen At Work - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Don't be the hardest worker in your job or in your job hunt ... ›
- Black Workers Really Do Need to Be Twice as Good - The Atlantic ›
- This Is What It's Like To Search For A Job As A Black Woman ›
- Working Twice As Hard to Get Half as Far: The Agony and the ... ›
- Work + School: Working Twice As Hard | Boly:Welch ›
- Hard Work Won't Make You Successful -- But Doing This Will ›
RELATED
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock