Things have been a bit on the stressful and crazy side of the world lately. Between the storms, political turmoil, economic challenges, and usual everyday life life-ing, it can be really easy to slip into seasonal depression, especially when having to thrive at work this fall. And if you've had an amazing summer---traveling, brunching, and enjoying the outdoors--- the transition into a different work routine of enduring colder temperatures and being indoors more often can be tough.
Even if fall is your least favorite time of year, this is a great opportunity to shift your perspective and think about ways you can make the last quarter of the year count. Try these tips:
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1. Continue to get outside and travel during the fall season.
Who said you need to stay indoors just because the days are shorter and the nights are colder? Throw on those thermals, light that outdoor fire pit, and gather around with friends and family regardless. If you can, make your space more accommodating to enjoy the fall weather and outdoor activities, such as adding an electric fireplace in your home for cozy vibes, setting up a tea or coffee station on your kitchen island, or adding a few ambient string lights and some fall decor to your patio space (whether small or large). Many people also play sports, walk, or jog outdoors during the fall and into the winter, which can have health benefits.
I wouldn't dare hang out anywhere outdoors when it's less than 60 degrees, but I found that when I'm fashionably prepared (i.e., wearing my favorite faux fur, puffer vest, and/or boots) and I'm in good company, I can embrace what I thought was cheesy fall-themed cocktails or the cold breeze. I'd even venture out and go for walks in the fall. It actually became enjoyable and therapeutic.
And if you love taking trips, fall (especially in October and November) is an off-peak travel season, which means prices often drop. You can find great fares for a fall trip to your favorite international destinations that often have warm weather year-round, and you can even plan shorter trips to U.S. cities where the weather is a bit warmer.
2. Focus on a specific short-term goal and write a plan to accomplish by December.
Any time you can focus on something you want to do that will advance your career (or your overall life), it can offer a sense of purpose and accomplishment to get out of the mental rut that can come with a change in seasons.
Whether it's to close a deal, save up a certain amount of your paycheck to treat yourself or re-brand what you offer via social or a new website, find a project to focus on that will enhance your professional experience or quality of life.
If you want to commit to advanced education or courses to upgrade your skills, now's the time to do that. Get locked in, mentally, to a goal that you can feel proud of accomplishing and that will distract you from the dreariness that can be the fall season. Write down goals, create a vision board, or work with a mentor who can keep you accountable and focused.
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3. Change your environment or work remote a few days per week.
If possible, get out of the office and take more breaks. Enjoy fresh air, music, or a sweet treat during these times. It sounds corny and typical, but it's worked for me. As much as we take this for granted, being indoors in a cubicle or home office while it's cloudy, rainy, or cold out can become boring and draining. Talk to your manager to see if you can work outside your office a few days a week or a month. Take baby steps and consider their deliverables and obligations when pitching for this.
And, this might sound extreme to some (so if it doesn't apply, scroll on by), but relocate if you have to. Years ago, after a season of working in New York full-time, I went to work remote in southeastern Virginia. I didn't really want to be in warm weather all year, but I couldn't stomach the extreme weather conditions of the fall and into winter any longer.
If your job isn't accommodating and you have the flexibility, look for other jobs at companies where you can shift environments when the seasons change. You don't necessarily have to say, "Hey, in the fall, I want to be out of the office and work from home," but present your case in a way that's professional, considers the impact of your working elsewhere, and offers tangible benefits like better productivity, a focus on mental wellness, or continuing your track record of success.
4. Seek professional help via a counselor or licensed therapist and feel the feels.
I know, I know. We hear a lot about getting therapy, and sometimes it can seem like a headache within itself to actually find someone who's a good fit, is affordable, and won't waste your time. However, seasonal depression can be a seriously debilitating thing, and it's a good idea to talk to a professional to brainstorm ways to overcome or cope. It's also super-empowering to be seen and heard and not feel like you're overwhelmed with demotivation and sluggishness.
Through therapy, I learned how to spot seasonal depression at the onset when I felt demotivated or couldn't really get my creative juices flowing at work. We'd troubleshoot what I could do to pivot and how to know when to sit in the feels and go through the motions or when to do the total opposite, get out of my head, and take action for a solution. I only found healthy ways to cope through therapy because there were certain strategies my therapist knew about that I'd been unaware of.
I've never been a huge fan of fall or winter, but I've found that breathing techniques, visualization, exercise, and embracing doing new things in those seasons have truly been helpful. I've also given in to romanticizing fall by decorating my home and shopping the trends (even if it's just one very subtle touch of decor or incorporation of a fashion trend). I now enjoy all that season brings while getting my rest and unapologetically prepping for creative and mental hibernation in the winter.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
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"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
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While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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