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How To Fight Fair In Your Relationship
I used to think fighting in a relationship meant the end of that relationship.
I had only certain perspectives of what relationships were: what they looked like when they worked and what they looked like when they didn't. Movies and television shows showed me cookie-cutter couples who had midnight strolls on the beach, liked each other all the time, and had one climactic fight that would eventually lead to a brief will they or won't they five minutes, acting like the penultimate moments before the happy ending conclusion.
My childhood, and even some of my adulthood, showed me arguments meant unhappiness, a mixed match, a divorce. It was a very unfair depiction of relationships, too black and white with not much room for the shades of gray that often act as the true nature of relationships.
Arguments happen in relationships and, unlike what my previous beliefs held as truth, they can honestly make the relationship as much as it can break it. I used to think never having a fight was the road to a happy home, but that was until I realized that disagreeing is not unhealthy in a relationship. You're bound to disagree and you're bound to have arguments, it's just important to streamline them with certain rules that prevent them from wreaking havoc on the overall quality of the relationship.
You have to learn to fight fair with your partner. Below are some ways to keep arguments from being the premature end to your relationship.
1. Change the goal of your fight.
As someone who defines herself as compassionate, I pride myself in being able to feel vibes from a person, even if they aren't voicing aloud how they feel. That is a beautiful gift in my opinion, but in the past, it's been something that I've wielded into a weapon to hurt and destroy when I'm angry about something. My goal during a fight used to be, “I'm going to hurt you as much as you're unintentionally hurting me". That's the wrong way to look at anything and is very counterproductive when trying to push the relationship into a better place.
Instead of looking at the fight or disagreement as a place where you need to automatically defend yourself, take a breath, pause for a beat, and listen to see if your partner has any validity in their points. Remember that you love this person and they love you, so de-escalate the fight by finding something you agree with in what your partner is saying to you. Vocalizing that you see what they see by saying, “Okay, you have a point when you say this…" is far more productive than saying something negative or derogatory just because you might not agree with the entire statement.
2. Take ownership of your shit.
A lot of the time, arguments or disagreements happen because you've swept issues underneath the rug for so long that a molehill becomes a mountain. Anyone could tell you that a mountain is always going to be a lot harder to climb once it's towering in front of you and over you. Something that he or she did might have rubbed you the wrong way or perhaps touch on an insecurity of yours that caused you to react in a jealous or defensive way once the situation comes about and presents itself again.
What you rationalize as a situation or an occurrence that's always hit a soft spot for you, your partner sees crazy because they can't see where any of it is coming from. To avoid this, talk to each other with appreciation and respect to begin the conversation on a positive note and this can be done by asking if it's a good time to have a talk and then own your issue. “I have a problem with…"
I've learned personally that this is a great way to voice insecurities in a way that allows your partner to give input in a judgment-free zone as opposed to throwing it onto them in the heat of anger and making them feel responsible. By owning my negative feelings and stopping them from becoming something angry and heated, I open the floor to communication and him being able to walk with me to a place of comfort and understanding. So always use “I" statements to reflect ownership, never say “you".
3. Have a clear focus during the fight.
When I wasn't fighting the right way, my partner and I fought about every grievance we ever had with one another in one fight, lasting for an hour or so sometimes. It would escalate and then de-escalate and because our communication suffered whenever the conversation went sour, I viewed arguments as the period of time where I'd bring up times over the course of the couple of years where I felt disrespected and forgave him for, times he was late somewhere, times he annoyed me like no other – things that had no room in the argument – especially the things that had been deemed forgiven.
An argument is not the point in time where you talk about everything that has ever bothered you about your partner or every wrong they've ever did from date number one to the present day. Talk about what is relevant to the issue you have at the time and save the delayed confrontations about money, in-laws, coming home late, lack of date nights, etc for the time and place that they've come about organically. If your issue with him or her is about canceling plans with you last minute, focus the fight on that, how them not showing up makes you feel, and how that feeling of disappointment can be avoided in the future. Keep it at that and stop at that.
4. Take a break from the fight you're having.
This is something else my partner taught me in our past arguments. When things get too heated, he needs to walk away. Initially, my abandonment issues made me view that as him walking away from me and leaving me and I internalized and sulked. One day, though, while talking outside of an argument, he asked me, “Well how is my telling you, 'I need to take a walk' and then going to take that walk different from you getting quiet when we argue?" I didn't even think about that until then. I had my way of recoiling in myself to calm myself down and that was to stop talking and to think about what was happening. And he had his. Neither of our actions were rude or dismissive, it was simply our way of taking a break from what was happening and regrouping.
Truth be told, when an argument isn't going well and either party seems more concerned with making their points instead of seeking to understand, nothing gets solved and the argument often escalates more so than it de-escalates. Instead of saying something hurtful due to frustration, take a break from the argument and come back when one or both of you can be receptive to what is being said.
When it comes to being in a relationship, fighting will never be a never, but it can be cut down drastically and the intensity of it can be significantly reduced by incorporating a lot of the aforementioned pointers. Arguments are not a time to hurt or disrespect your partner. Be receptive, be respectful, and refrain from blame.
What are some methods you use to fight fair with your partner? What did it take to get your communication over that hurdle? Share with me below!
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Here’s How To Start Running As A Beginner, According To An Expert
As the summer heats up, so does the desire to participate in outdoor activities that keep you moving and connected to others. Among these extracurriculars, running checks all the boxes.
If you look anywhere on TikTok, you might think that just about everyone is running these days. It only takes a few scrolls before you stumble across someone taking their viewers along for 10-mile runs or trading dating apps for run clubs.
Running is beginner-friendly, requires little investment, and offers a number of mental and physical health benefits, so it’s clear why the sport has become the hottest new hobby to participate in. And if you’re one of the countless individuals inspired to lace up your shoes and hit the pavement, you might be looking for a few practical tips to start your own running journey.
"The most important thing you can do for yourself as a runner or someone who's interested in starting to run is being consistent," Ashlee Green, co-founder of RUNGRL, a digital-first community for Black women distance runners, tells xoNecole.
When Green first began her running journey, she recalls never quite seeing herself as a runner “and certainly not an athlete.” It wasn’t until she moved to Chicago and worked for the city’s Nike store that her views on the sport began to expand. “I had a friend who ran, I had access to shoes, I had access to the Lakefront,” which eventually became her personal track.
A move to Washington, D.C., led to her joining a local running club, District Running Collective, which not only solidified running as a core part of her wellness practice but a cornerstone to building community.
“Community is absolutely what helped me to feel like I was an athlete and an actual runner,” she says. “It was through the opportunity to both show up as a community member and, over time, as a community leader, that deepened my commitment to the sport for myself and the impact that it would have on other people.”
Through RUNGRL, Green has since created a supportive environment along with her co-founder that encourages beginners to start where they are, grow in their journey alongside like-minded women, and “ultimately inspire more Black women to get and stay moving.”
To help get your running journey off on the right foot, Green spoke with xoNecole to provide the best tips for building stamina, finding a run club that fits your needs, and becoming the runner you desire to be.
Consistency Is Key.
“I feel like there's this sort of general, societal understanding that running must be easy, but it's not,” she says. “What does help it become easier is when you're consistent and committed to showing up for yourself and the miles on a consistent basis.”
“That doesn't mean you need to be running six or seven days a week. But what it does mean is that you’re committed to twice a week, three times a week, or whatever works for you and your schedule,” she adds. “Move your body and find ways to build up the stamina and the endurance you’re seeking because everybody's journey is different.”
Find an Accountability Partner.
“Having your ‘gworls’ with you makes it a lot easier,” Green says. “Somebody who can go through the experience with you, talk about how you're feeling, and tell you that your hair still looks great even though you're out there sweating. Having friends along the way, I have found, has made the journey better. Everything is better with your girls.”
Set a Personal Goal.
Green tells us, “Signing up for a race or just having an end goal and something to work towards makes it easier to build a plan or establish consistency because you’re working towards something specific.”
“Whether you want to run a mile by a certain day or sign up for this 5k, setting those types of goals helps you to have something to look forward to and work towards.”
Comparison Is the Thief of Joy.
“A lot of the times on the internet, we see success stories and people crossing the finish line, but running hardly ever looks like that all the time,” she says. “Most of the time, it sucks. I don't always physically enjoy the act of running, but what I do enjoy and appreciate, is what it brings and will continue to bring to my life: movement, wellness, community, accountability, and representation.”
“You don't have to compare yourself to the next person — you don't know what they're going through off of Instagram. One foot in front of the other is all that you can control, and that's all that you should feel beholden to in your process.”
Choosing the Best Run Club for You.
Green advises, “Seek out the groups, the clubs, and the crews that are into running for community, accountability, and creating safe spaces for people like us. This particular boom is really interesting, and it's trending around dating and things like that, which, in my opinion, takes away the feelings of safety and showing up because I want to be well and better myself.”
“So seek out groups that are in it for the right reasons as you are in search of your best self,” she adds.
Adopt a Healthy Mindset.
“One of the things that I often tell myself is, ‘You can do hard things.” Another one that RunGurl says all the time, “If you run a mile, you can do anything,” Green says. “One thing that I find myself saying when I’m actively running is, “No matter where you are on the run, you can do anything for 10 minutes. You can do anything for five minutes. You can do anything for however much longer you have to go. It's only a set amount of time left, but I can do it, I can show up for myself, and I will get through it.”
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