
Trouble In Paradise? These Five Tips Can Help You Tackle Conflict Head-On

It took me quite a while to figure out why the block button was my best friend: I hated conflict. Difficult conversations made me uncomfortable, so I tried my best to avoid them. Even if that meant blocking people and leaving them for dead. It wasn't right, but it was how I coped and it left me wondering how many relationships could've been saved through effective conflict resolution.
That thought alone made me want to be better, if not for others, then certainly for myself. So, instead of running—and blocking—I committed to facing things head-on. It was rocky at first; I took things personally, was wildly defensive, and kept stumbling back to my old ways.
But the more I kept at it—confronting issues and actively listening to others—the more I realized that conflict is normal. In fact, it can be healthy. What makes it effective and most meaningful is how we handle it. Dealing with conflict in the following ways has helped my relationships flourish and has taught me about myself.
1.Understand What The Real Issue Is.
Have you ever been (what seems to be) irrationally mad about a minor offense? Are you ever confused about why you're so sad or upset about something your friend or partner did? Truly, the most frustrating part about addressing conflict is being angry but not knowing or understanding why.
Is it that you weren't invited or is it that you feel neglected and you need more attention? Is it that the text offended you or is it that it triggered an insecurity that you hadn't yet resolved? Is his behavior that offensive, or does it remind you of someone you have a bad history with?
More times than not, the problem you're upset about isn't the actual problem—it's a trigger. There's something deeper that lies within. Taking the time to think through things is critical for addressing whatever the real problem might be. The clearer you are about the problem, the better you can communicate and resolve it. Don't fly off the handle just yet, take time to actually dissect your emotions and come to terms with what the real problem is.
To start, try asking yourself the following questions:
- Why does this upset me?
- What other feelings am I experiencing from this? Why?
- What about this offense affects me the most?
- What will help me get past this?
Oftentimes when I've reflected in this way, I realized the problem was me, not them. But in the case that it is them, understanding why you feel the way you do—and what the true offense is—will help you communicate it. And we all know that communication is key.
2.Speak To The Person Directly.
The first thing I say in response to someone complaining about a friend, loved one, or lover is, "Well, have you told them yet?"
Speaking directly with the person who hurt you allows them an immediate opportunity to clear up the infraction before internal thoughts and outside perceptions begin to cloud your judgment. I know some people just need to vent, but I also know how unconstructive those vent sessions could be if you never find time to address the problem with the offender. I always recommend speaking directly with the person first to limit interference and further irritation.
3.Ask Questions.
When we're heavy in emotions, it's easy to assume the worst intentions. But before you start pointing fingers, try asking questions. This helps to alleviate loads of miscommunication and misperceptions. It also allows them a chance to respond to your inquiry without feeling attacked and becoming defensive.
- "I realized you didn't invite me to the group happy hour, did you mean to do that?"
- "[Name] told me you were speaking badly about me, is that true?"
- "You promised to help me with my project but didn't. What happened?"
A simple question can change the course of the conversation (and conflict). Reducing assumptions is the saving grace for many relationships and can also keep you from getting wound up about something that was not intended to harm you.
4.Don’t Let It Fester.
While it's important to think through the emotions and establish your best course of action, it's also important to not let it sit too long. Don't dismiss issues that bother you. Don't wait until they build up. It's OK to think about how to best approach the situation, but don't downplay the offense so long that the other person doesn't realize it was an offense in the first place. Honor how you feel, explore the root of the problem, but then address it—sooner rather than later.
5.Aim For A Solution.
Conversations with no end goal or solutions can be frustrating. There's nothing worse than going to a meeting that doesn't offer next steps. Similarly, venting to a friend and ending the conversation with no sound advice can be equally annoying. After addressing the problem, talking through the slew of emotions, and hearing each other out, it's so important to attempt to resolve the problem. This might mean providing tips for how they might be a better friend for you or how you might approach the conflict next time. Whatever the solutions are, be sure to think through and present them. After all, it's called conflict resolution for a reason.
Featured image by Shutterstock.
- 8 Essential Tips to Resolve Conflict in the Workplace ›
- 5 Keys of Dealing with Workplace Conflict ›
- How to handle conflicts in the workplace ›
- Council Post: 11 Ways You Can Better Resolve Conflicts ›
- 10 Tips for Resolving Conflict | HuffPost Life ›
- 10 Ways to Handle Conflict in a Healthy Way - Ron Edmondson ›
- How to Handle Conflict in the Workplace ›
- Tips for Managing Conflict - Clarke University - Clarke University ›
Zoe Hunter is the writer, speaker, and creator behind the women empowerment brand DEAR QUEENS. She uses vulnerability, storytelling, and spiritual development to empower women toward healthy decision-making. Stay connected to Zoe's work by visiting DEARQUEENS.com or following her on Twitter @zDEARQUEENS.
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
My personal relationship with birth control pills is a bit of an odd one. Back when I first became sexually active (I started having sex with my first boyfriend a couple of months shy of 19), I took them for a couple of months, didn’t like how they made me feel, and so I quit using them altogether (and got pregnant almost immediately after). The rest of my adult life, I stayed off of the pill and pretty much only used condoms (and even then, not consistently — SMDH).
And yet here I am, now, all these years later, back on them again: surprise, surprise.
These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
Okay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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