Trouble In Paradise? These Five Tips Can Help You Tackle Conflict Head-On
It took me quite a while to figure out why the block button was my best friend: I hated conflict. Difficult conversations made me uncomfortable, so I tried my best to avoid them. Even if that meant blocking people and leaving them for dead. It wasn't right, but it was how I coped and it left me wondering how many relationships could've been saved through effective conflict resolution.
That thought alone made me want to be better, if not for others, then certainly for myself. So, instead of running—and blocking—I committed to facing things head-on. It was rocky at first; I took things personally, was wildly defensive, and kept stumbling back to my old ways.
But the more I kept at it—confronting issues and actively listening to others—the more I realized that conflict is normal. In fact, it can be healthy. What makes it effective and most meaningful is how we handle it. Dealing with conflict in the following ways has helped my relationships flourish and has taught me about myself.
1.Understand What The Real Issue Is.
Have you ever been (what seems to be) irrationally mad about a minor offense? Are you ever confused about why you're so sad or upset about something your friend or partner did? Truly, the most frustrating part about addressing conflict is being angry but not knowing or understanding why.
Is it that you weren't invited or is it that you feel neglected and you need more attention? Is it that the text offended you or is it that it triggered an insecurity that you hadn't yet resolved? Is his behavior that offensive, or does it remind you of someone you have a bad history with?
More times than not, the problem you're upset about isn't the actual problem—it's a trigger. There's something deeper that lies within. Taking the time to think through things is critical for addressing whatever the real problem might be. The clearer you are about the problem, the better you can communicate and resolve it. Don't fly off the handle just yet, take time to actually dissect your emotions and come to terms with what the real problem is.
To start, try asking yourself the following questions:
- Why does this upset me?
- What other feelings am I experiencing from this? Why?
- What about this offense affects me the most?
- What will help me get past this?
Oftentimes when I've reflected in this way, I realized the problem was me, not them. But in the case that it is them, understanding why you feel the way you do—and what the true offense is—will help you communicate it. And we all know that communication is key.
2.Speak To The Person Directly.
The first thing I say in response to someone complaining about a friend, loved one, or lover is, "Well, have you told them yet?"
Speaking directly with the person who hurt you allows them an immediate opportunity to clear up the infraction before internal thoughts and outside perceptions begin to cloud your judgment. I know some people just need to vent, but I also know how unconstructive those vent sessions could be if you never find time to address the problem with the offender. I always recommend speaking directly with the person first to limit interference and further irritation.
3.Ask Questions.
When we're heavy in emotions, it's easy to assume the worst intentions. But before you start pointing fingers, try asking questions. This helps to alleviate loads of miscommunication and misperceptions. It also allows them a chance to respond to your inquiry without feeling attacked and becoming defensive.
- "I realized you didn't invite me to the group happy hour, did you mean to do that?"
- "[Name] told me you were speaking badly about me, is that true?"
- "You promised to help me with my project but didn't. What happened?"
A simple question can change the course of the conversation (and conflict). Reducing assumptions is the saving grace for many relationships and can also keep you from getting wound up about something that was not intended to harm you.
4.Don’t Let It Fester.
While it's important to think through the emotions and establish your best course of action, it's also important to not let it sit too long. Don't dismiss issues that bother you. Don't wait until they build up. It's OK to think about how to best approach the situation, but don't downplay the offense so long that the other person doesn't realize it was an offense in the first place. Honor how you feel, explore the root of the problem, but then address it—sooner rather than later.
5.Aim For A Solution.
Conversations with no end goal or solutions can be frustrating. There's nothing worse than going to a meeting that doesn't offer next steps. Similarly, venting to a friend and ending the conversation with no sound advice can be equally annoying. After addressing the problem, talking through the slew of emotions, and hearing each other out, it's so important to attempt to resolve the problem. This might mean providing tips for how they might be a better friend for you or how you might approach the conflict next time. Whatever the solutions are, be sure to think through and present them. After all, it's called conflict resolution for a reason.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
I Chose Not To Forgive & Everything Changed
Till Petty Do Us Part: How Arguing Changes In A Marriage
How to Fight Fair in Your Relationship
Is Sex After an Argument Automatically a Bad Thing?
Featured image by Shutterstock.
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- 5 Keys of Dealing with Workplace Conflict ›
- How to handle conflicts in the workplace ›
- Council Post: 11 Ways You Can Better Resolve Conflicts ›
- 10 Tips for Resolving Conflict | HuffPost Life ›
- 10 Ways to Handle Conflict in a Healthy Way - Ron Edmondson ›
- How to Handle Conflict in the Workplace ›
- Tips for Managing Conflict - Clarke University - Clarke University ›
Zoe Hunter is the writer, speaker, and creator behind the women empowerment brand DEAR QUEENS. She uses vulnerability, storytelling, and spiritual development to empower women toward healthy decision-making. Stay connected to Zoe's work by visiting DEARQUEENS.com or following her on Twitter @zDEARQUEENS.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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While I was growing up, I didn’t take a lot of medicine; it simply wasn’t the type of household that I was raised in. Don’t get me wrong, if things got real crazy (like when I had chickenpox or strep throat), a round of antibiotics is exactly what I was given. However, if something could be handled in a more holistic fashion, that’s just what my mother preferred to do.
I’m pretty sure that’s a big part of the reason why one, my immune system is still going strong to this day, and two, I’m so “pro herbs” my damn self. It’s also why I like to write about the things that I’ve learned about them as often as I can. Today, what I want to tackle is some herbs that you may have never heard of that could be just what you’re looking for when it comes to achieving optimal health.
Now before diving in, I think it would be totally irresponsible of me if I didn’t advise that you only take this as an introduction to the following eight. What I mean by that is after checking out the list, please do some thorough research on your own, please pay attention to what articles may say potential side effects may be (some herbs are pretty damn powerful), and pretty please run these by your doctor before taking them (especially if you’re currently on any type of medication). At the same time, though, as an avid herb taker myself, I wouldn’t be singing the praises of them if I wasn’t such a fan of what herbs are able to do, in general.
So, are you ready to learn about some cool herbs that you (probably) don’t hear about every day? Let’s do this.
1. Aritha (Soapnut)
If you’ve ever been curious about what Ayurveda actually means, probably the easiest way to break it down is it’s a popular form of alternative medicine. One of its main philosophies is that most diseases are brought on either by stress or an imbalance in the system — and since things like asthma, diabetes, depression, obesity, and heart disease are all directly tied to stress…Ayurveda is certainly onto something.
What does this have to do with aritha (which also has the “nickname” soapnut)? It’s something that is used in Ayurveda when it comes to achieving, well, all sorts of things. Because it’s a solid source of vitamins A, E, and K, it can help to do everything from making migraines more bearable and bringing relief to asthma to reducing dandruff and taming frizzy hair. In fact, if healthy hair is your goal this year, mixing some soapnuts with some of your favorite hair products could be what makes it so much easier to get what you’re after.
2. Brahmi
Brahmi is a really interesting herb due to the things that it is able to accomplish. If you want to improve your memory, try Brahmi. Looking to get a better night’s sleep? Try Brahmi. Sick of feeling anxious and stressed out? Yep…you already know: try Brahmi. Apparently, because of its potent antioxidants and powerful anti-inflammatory properties, it can even help to improve your cognitive function and reduce ADHD symptoms. Like I oftentimes say: the more you know, the more you freakin’ know.
3. Epazote
From what I’ve read and researched about this particular herb, it’s used in a myriad of ways, from cooking to essential oils to teas (apparently, it tastes like a mixture of oregano, mint, and citrus…hmph). The reason why you might want to consider adding it to your health and wellness regimen is that it is high in fiber (which makes it great for treating constipation and bloating), it has a good amount of magnesium, potassium, and calcium in it and it can help to boost your immunity, strengthen your bones and help you to shed a few pounds. As a bonus, epazote is also good for helping to keep your blood pressure under control, too.
4. Gokshura
An herb that gets rave reviews in Chinese medicine is gokshura. Although the West is still catching up on learning about it (surprise, surprise…#totalsarcasm), men have used it to increase their testosterone while women have relied on it for menopause symptom-related relief (including irritability, hot flashes, low lubrication, and yes, a low libido too). Something else that makes this an herb worth noting is some studies have revealed that it helps strengthen ovarian health as well.
5. Mullein
If your respiratory health is what you’re trying to get under control, try mullein. Since it’s got solid anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, and antiviral properties, this is an herb that has a reputation for keeping your respiratory state in good condition. That’s why those who are looking for alternatives to medicine when it comes to coughing, bronchitis, asthma, and overall congestion sometimes rely on this herb. The way most people prefer to consume it is either in tea or powder form.
6. Rhodiola
Are you stressed out all of the time? Maybe you’re so overworked that you find yourself feeling drained and fatigued more than you would like. For both of these issues, something that brings some much-needed relief is rhodiola. Since the roots of this herb are adaptogens, and those help your body to handle stress more effectively, how could someone who doesn’t exactly watch the clock when it comes to work not have this in their possession? Plus, if working out is another way that you try to keep your stress levels under control, this is an herb that can help to improve your exercise performance, too.
7. Safed Musli
A rare herb from India that seems to be going through a bit of an international overharvesting crisis right now is safed musli which is also known as Chlorophytum borivilianum. Whether you’re looking to increase muscle mass, boost the testosterone levels in your partner, reduce stress, help to prevent hair loss, or naturally treat male infertility, safed musli is an herb whose name comes up in all of these topics as far as natural alternatives go. Impressive indeed.
8. Shatavari
Another name for Shatavari is Asparagus racemosus, and yes, it is a part of the asparagus crew. Its antioxidant properties help to fight off free radicals, its anti-inflammatory benefits are great at keeping your immune system in top shape; and if you’re looking for something that will slow down the signs of aging in your skin, Shatavari is good for that, too. Because I will always and forever be on the lookout for all-natural things that can make your sex life better than ever, that’s another reason to do your own additional research on this herb.
Word on the street is it’s so good at balancing your hormones that, not only can it give your libido a boost, it can also make PMS more bearable, it can make it easier to breastfeed and it can help with perimenopause and menopause-related symptoms. Yeah, Shatavari is that girl.
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There you have it: eight herbs that you might not have ever heard of that can do your body a world of good. Again, run them by your physician, get them from a reputable health company, and follow the directions as given. If you do all of that, you should be on your way to having some unusual herbs doing some awesome things in your life.
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