Knowing Your Self-Worth Is The Ultimate F*ckboy Repellent
It's over and you are lowkey devastated. Whether it was a situationship, you were ghosted, you've broken up from a long term relationship, or are in the process of ending your current one, you are shattered and confused. You have valid feelings of past hurt. But let me tell you some hard truths: no matter how much you glow up, there will still be ghosters, clowns, and players in your dating pooI. Beloved, relationships are not supposed to feel like emotional roller-coasters and when you let them continue that way, you are letting someone capitalize off of your lack of self-worth.
You really have to dig deep and ask yourself a very important question: What was the bigger problem, his inadequacy or my lack of self-worth?
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Aren't you tired? Like honestly aren't you exhausted with giving up your power, your body, your time to someone's son just for him to give you the runaround? Sit down, get a pen and pad, and let's do some work. Equip yourself with some highly potent f*ckboy repellant and remind yourself of your value with these tips:
Stop Chasing Him And Remember That You're The Prize
Why you let him bother you when you knew he didn't want you?!
We often take a man becoming distant or seizing contact altogether as an open invitation to start hustling for our worth.Though this is a somewhat natural reaction, it is often rooted in a deep down belief that you are not enough.
You've convinced yourself that that there is not an abundance of men who can offer you a fulfilling relationship, so you continue to cling to this broken one. This is not how a high value woman handles relationships and dating! You know why? She knows that a relationship is worth having is not worth losing her composure and self-respect over.
The right man will complement your life, not complicate it.
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Think about it, when you walk into the Louis Vuitton store and you can't afford that bag, do they lower their prices? Do they chase you around the store, trying to haggle? No! They tell you to come back when you're ready and go help the next customer. You have to get to that point with your heart: if he can't afford to work on a healthy relationship with you, allow yourself the space to welcome someone who will. The inability for him to see your worth does not lower your value.
Action Tip: Write down your relationship boundaries and detail behaviors that you will not accept. For example, mention any abuse, emotional dishonesty, or inconsistency you've experienced.
Define The Kind Of Love You Think You Deserve
Many of us have been socialized to think not what a man can offer us, but what we can offer to a man. Do you know what you are looking for? Because once you do, when a clown is pursuing you, you will be able to differentiate him from Mr. Right or even his fine cousin Mr.Almost Right.
Do you think that you deserve a relationship where you don't have to compromise your value? This is not a question of your worth but of your perception of it. Do you really believe that you deserve a man who is healthy for you spiritually, physically, emotionally, and who is financially stable and that he's out there looking for you? If so, i'm pretty sure you would not be entertaining Mr. Can't Afford To Take You Out This Weekend for the 3rd time in the row.
You accept the love you think that you deserve sis, and what you accept will continue.
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You will keep on meeting the same man in different bodies until you get crystal clear on what it is that you are looking for. Dating without clear standards is like grocery shopping while you're starving: you heighten the possibility of walking out with something unhealthy that was never in your intentions.
Action Tip: Write out the non-superficial qualities that you are looking for in a man. For example, do you want someone who is supportive of support of your endeavors and has the desire and ability to spend quality time with you? Do you want a partner who encourages you to get out of your comfort zone? Be intentional about choosing someone who can speak to you in your love language.
Determine If Your Desire For Love Is Making You An Easy Target For Fraud
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Love bombing is one of the most devastating and traumatic dating experiences you can encounter is often seen in combination with ghosting or breadcrumbing (where a man pulls back his affection and level of interest in a relationship until all you have left is crumbs).
Love bombing is exactly what it sounds like, a person coming into your life like a whirlwind showering you with attention and affection, gifts, and over the top gestures that makes your poor little heart explode. Things move very fast, this person starts planning a future with you, is in constant communication with you, but once you get comfortable, the rug is pulled from underneath your feet and he changes up. Sounds like a scam right? Because it is! And the most beautiful and intelligent women fall for it because a basic human desire, to love and be loved, is being used against you. A solution to this is examining your life and figuring out where the holes in your heart hide so that you can fill them up yourself.
Fill your cup until it runneth over and then let a man add some flavor! Make your life a three-course meal and allowing him to be your dessert, not your entree.
GIFER
Action Tip: Write down the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable, and realize that these are not facts, sis. Starting working on embracing you. Love yourself, or nobody else can. Finally, write the parts of your life you want to improve and get to work, sis.
In the words of Iyanla Vanzant, "Love yourself so that love won't be a stranger when it comes."
I can't promise that these tips will help you find the love of your life tomorrow but they will greatly reduce the energy you expend on the wrong relationships and help you put your value before your desire to cuffed this season. Cheers!
Featured image by Shutterstock
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New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images