"Were they even in a 'real' relationship?" You overhear your best girlfriends say as you grip the box of Kleenex with one hand and tub of ice cream in the other. You pretend not to hear them as you continue bawling your eyes out, wishing it didn't hurt so bad. No, you weren't in an official relationship, but it sure felt like it.
He was the one you called when you had good news or bad, you spent weekends, holidays, and ditch days from work with him. You shared some of your most intimate memories and confided in him things your best friend didn't even know about you! You never intended to get caught up or catch feelings for someone you weren't official with, but you did. When you finally realized your arrangement wasn't enough, it was too late and you were already too deep.
Fortunately, life will go on. These tips are sure to help you move on from Mr. Wrong.
1. Delete, Delete, Delete
Delete him from Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Whatsapp, and Twitter. Delete his number, delete his cousins, delete his friends, block him. Seeing his face everyday is not conducive to you moving on. You will constantly be reminded of the times you shared, or even worse, have to see him making memories with his newest love interest. Do you really want to put yourself through that heartache? He didn't see enough worth in you to make things official, so why should you hold onto him? You don't need him, so stop cyberstalking him and checking to see the last time he was on Whatsapp. Simply stop, delete, and block.
2. Stop Communicating With Him
Seriously, how many more times do you need him to tell you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship? One closure conversation is more than enough. Don't give him the satisfaction of even knowing he still crosses your mind. If it helps, change his number to "Don't answer." Block him if he's persistent. He had his chance with you, don't allow him to waste your time. You already know his feelings are not mutual. What more is there to know? Talking to him is only going to allow you to open yourself back up to him. Hang up the phone, delete the unsent text message, and let it go.
3. Talk to Your Honest Friends
We all have at least one friend who we know we can count on to always be honest with us. She is the friend who will tell you NOT to wear that dress, that you have lipstick on your teeth, and it's time to start hitting the gym. Though tact may not always be her forte, honesty is. She will let you know it's time to move on from the guy she warned you about from the beginning. She will remind you of all the things you told her you hated about him and why it's important for you to move on. Stay away from your sappy friends during this time. The hopeless romantics will only steer you in the wrong direction. Keep honest Betty in your corner; she is the one who will help you move on.
4. Get Moving
You should get into something that not only makes you look good, but feel good, too! Exercising creates endorphins, which make you happy. What better feeling is there than happiness? Exercising will also help you look and feel wonderful! Plus, you will be so exhausted from working out you won't even have time to think about him! Join a gym or buy some workout equipment for home. Just get those buns moving.
Have a friend work out with you so you can hold each other accountable. The more you workout, the better you will look and feel.
5. Get Out of the House
Girl, if you don't get off that couch! Staying home obsessing over what he said, what he didn't say, and why you are still single, is not going to change anything. Overthinking is not going to solve your problems. Of course it is important to have time to yourself, but every single weekend should not be dedicated to Netflix and pizza. Get moving. Go out with your girlfriends. Go on a date, get your nails done, just go! Being around people who love and appreciate you is the greatest gift you can give yourself right now. One guy should not be the end of your social life. Think back to the things you enjoyed doing before him. Do that, but make sure you do it outside of your house.
6. Set Goals
Now that you have plenty of time to yourself, why not set some goals you've been putting off. The great thing about being completely single is that it gives you time to reflect on things you need to do! You don't have to worry about how anyone else feels or what they are thinking. Your thoughts should be 100% on bettering YOU. Create a vision board of short- and long-term goals and write out a list of things you want to accomplish that you have been putting off. Every time you complete a goal, scratch it off your list, and add another one.
7. Try Something New
Have you ever been to the movies by yourself? Or even taken yourself to lunch? Have you been to the museum in your city? Have you ever traveled to a new city alone? Tried a cooking class perhaps? There are so many things that you have probably never even experienced that you've been dying to do. Write a list of things that you have always wanted to do. If it requires a little extra money, put money to the side and save up for it. Build a greater connection with yourself, become a little more cultured, find out what you enjoy doing! Spend time getting to know you!
8. Reflect
Ok, now it's time to do some reflecting! What in the heck went wrong? Did he let you know from the beginning he wasn't interested in a relationship? Did you not care at first and eventually grow feelings? Did you think you could change his mind? Usually, unless a guy is a complete charming psychopath, there are signs from the very beginning of how he really feels for you. Was he supportive of your dreams? Was he dependable? Did he show you off to his friends and family? Did he vow to one day make you his? Whatever it was that he did or did not do, it's time to move on.
Write a letter to yourself and one to him. In the letter to him, say all the things you ever wanted to say to him. In the letter to yourself, tell yourself that even though you made a mistake, you are still phenomenal. Write down all the things you love about you. Keep your letter to yourself, burn his.
Alternative: Seal his letter in an envelope and date it. When you open the letter years later, you'll remember how you felt. But, it's a good feeling to look back and realize that what you thought was meant for you, really wasn't. You are over it now and it's a lesson learned.
9. Break Bad Habits
Do you get the urge to see him every time you drink? Do you find yourself turning to that bottle of wine you keep for special occasions every time he crosses your mind? Put it down! Drinking can lead to a whole lot of emotions that you don't need right now. Instead of picking up a bottle of alcohol, how about doing something good for your body? Juice some fresh fruits and vegetables, drink a gallon of water, eat a salad. Then, go for a run or call a friend and tell them about your day. Or call honest Betty so she can set you straight.
10. Forgive Him
Maybe he led you on. Afterwards, he might have acted like the spawn of Satan himself. He might have made you feel pain you never thought you could. At the end of the day, you have to forgive him. If not for him, do it for yourself.
He might not even know you are upset. He's probably living his life without a care in the world while you sit at home throwing darts at his pictures. Despite how mad at him you may be, you are only hurting yourself. Forgive him and forgive yourself for staying in a situation that was going nowhere. When you allow yourself to release that anger, you will feel so much better.
11. Go on a Date
Reactivate that SoulSwipe or Tinder account. Ask your friends to set you up on a blind date, or let the guy who has been hounding you for months finally take you out! I'm not saying to get in a relationship or, God forbid, another situationship tomorrow, and definitely don't sleep with anyone, but go on a good old fashioned date. It's important to know that the guy you were dating is not the only man in the world and there are plenty of other men who are dying to spend some one-on-one time with you. Meet new people, create new experiences, and get your feet wet in the dating scene again. Dating is great for your ego and for your life. You might meet a few frogs or you might also meet prince charming, but one thing is for sure, you won't meet anyone sitting on the couch. Get back out there and date!
12. Create
Are you an artist in your own right? Channel all of that pent up energy and frustration you have towards your art! Pen a poem, write a song, paint a picture. Utilize your creative abilities to express your feelings. You might just be the next Taylor Swift or Jhene Aiko.
Though breakups of any kind can be painful, there is always a silver lining. Remember pain is inevitable, suffering is not. Wipe away that tear so it doesn't mess up your makeup, reapply your lipstick, light a candle, and move on honey! You are more than equipped to get past this situation.
Tell me, what's your method of choice to get over a situationship?
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter and Instagram also check out her website. www.ashleyreneepoet.com
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
____
No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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