3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist
For a decade, I loved a man who was handsome, charismatic, funny and, on the surface, close to ideal. If he were a record, that's the A-side. The B-side (the far less popular part) is he was also a commitment-phobe, emotionally unstable, dishonest, and someone who had the gift of blindsiding you in a way that was both amazing and disturbing simultaneously.
In short, he was a total narcissist. I didn't know what that word meant until I experienced it firsthand and then went to do some research on just what a narcissist is.
Because narcissists start off being mad charismatic and uber-charming, I genuinely didn't know I was falling for one. Over time, even though I saw signs that he was relatively unstable (he actually told me that I brought stability into his life) and, in hindsight, totally emotionally unavailable, I thought our "holding pattern" was because he needed more time…and in that time, if I loved him enough and tolerated enough, he'd come around.
NOPE. Narcissists never intend on settling down. Not really and truly. They are more about seeing who can meet their needs—whatever those needs are—then once they don't need that person to supply them anymore, they move on. Platonically, professionally, romantically. It really doesn't matter.
How do you spot a narcissist?
If a person love-bombs you and they they go ghost, they are a narcissist. If they hurt you and show absolutely no signs of remorse or regret, they are a narcissist. If you start to lose yourself trying to keep them happy, that's another big clue that they probably are a narcissist.
That said, if you've recently experienced a break-up with a friend or an ex and it feels particularly devastating, like nothing you've ever felt before, it could be because they were a narcissist—and you never knew it. While the aforementioned characteristics are some of the tell-tale signs of a textbook narcissist, there are some signs that aren't always obvious. What are they? Chile…
1.You're ALWAYS Doing Most of the Work, And They're OK With That
Narcissists are a trip. In their mind, they are so arrogant that they think that you should be so grateful to be a part of their world that it's a privilege to do most of the work in the relationship. They'll even take it a step further and act like the moment you ask them to meet some of your needs that you're being semi-ridiculous; that a mutual exchange of caring and sharing isn't what they signed up for, so you either need to smile about being their glorified servant or leave them in peace. Because a lot of them are attractive, charismatic, and have a great sense of humor, they trap you because you confuse charm with character (a sermon within itself) and so you just keep giving…and giving…and giving.
It's not until you ask them for more than just some drive-by time, attention, affection, gratitude, or reciprocity, and they act like you asked for their kidney that you start to realize something is "off". That things are only all good so long as they are good. Whether you're all right is totally irrelevant.
2.They NEVER Apologize, And You're OK With That
As someone who is also a marriage life coach, I can't tell you how many times one person has come to me with a laundry list of all the things their spouse is doing wrong, yet when I ask what they could improve on, I get the blank stare.
Listen, I've made a living putting pen to paper on the mistakes I've made in my relationships. "He" is no exception. But when I tell you that I can't recall ONE TIME when I told him about something he did that hurt me (like telling me he had feelings for someone else…on my birthday and then yelling at me about it later on…on the same birthday) did he meet with a response of "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong" (which apparently is something narcissists hate to say)…NOT. ONE. TIME.
Unfortunately, a lot of us have so much pride that we don't want to apologize. That's not good, mature, or healthy though. Same goes for remaining in a relationship with someone who won't do it. Someone who refuses to humble themselves enough to acknowledge their offenses and then seek to make an amends.
Take it from me, if you're even remotely OK with being in a friendship/situationship/relationship with someone like that, you're definitely headed towards my next point. Because someone who doesn't see the err in their ways is someone who is, 9.5 times out of 10, going to repeat them. Totally at your expense. Unapologetically so.
3.You KEEP Taking Them Back, And The Same Crap Keeps Happening
I believe it's the YouTube channel Sarah Speaks that shares that typically people will go around and around with a narcissist for a whopping seven times (I did three; that was more than enough for me!) before they end it, go into deep depression, or consider suicide (no joke). It's not because they are "stupid" or "suckers". It's because while they may love you for the long haul, narcissists never intended on things working out; seemingly, from the get-go.
In fact, a lot of relationship coaches and therapists say that narcissists are so dysfunctional when it comes to intimacy that they go into friendships/situationships/relationships with an end date in mind. As soon as their "supply" (umm, that would be us) no longer serves them, they are ready to move on—no warning, no explanation, and definitely no remorse.
Because shame usually comes with being narcissistic, sometimes those of us who love them confuse that with them being repentant. But you see, repentance is about wanting to make an amends; shame is still all about self.
I gotta admit that it will be a while before I'm totally OK, but if there's a silver lining in that particular chapter of my life, it's that I can detect a narcissist a mile away now—arrogant, entitled, no empathy. Not all of the time but right when you need them to be anything BUT, they rise to the occasion and discard and dismiss you.
Trust me. If you're nodding your head because you can relate, you're not crazy.
You simply fell for a narcissist. Bless your heart. Literally.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images