When It Comes To Relational Disappointments—Do You Have 'Boundaries' Or Are You 'Bitter'?
Sometimes I get asked, what's the one thing that I wish women would master, when it comes to matters of the heart. It might surprise you, what tops the list, pretty much every time—knowing the difference between when you are setting a boundary and when you are operating out of sheer bitterness. What's unfortunate is, this topic seems to be tackled so little, that when it comes to understanding what boundaries vs. bitterness means, very few seem to be able to make clear distinctions. In fact, the irony is that, more times than not, what someone calls a "boundary", it is the direct result of something that happened that made them, well, bitter. What's even more ironic than that is, if we had set boundaries in the first place—purely out of the desire to love ourselves as well as possible and not as a knee-jerk reaction to pain—we could probably avoid many of the things that resulted in us becoming bitter in the long run. Here's what I mean by that.
What a Relationship Without Boundaries (Typically) Looks Like
Take the last relationship—whether it was romantic, a friendship or even work-related—that totally disappointed you, for example. When you stop and think about all that went down, did a part of your devastation ultimately have to do with having a lack of boundaries? If you're not sure, here are some signs you probably didn't establish as many boundaries as you should've before the relationship ever began:
- You felt taken for granted
- You didn't speak up when you should have
- You were the one who did most of the giving or most of the work
- You constantly said "yes", even when you didn't want to
- You allowed your own feelings and needs to be dismissed
- You engaged in controlling and/or manipulative and/or gaslighting tactics far too much
- The situation ultimately did more harm than good
If any of these things happened, my condolences. No, I mean it.
I totally know what it's like to be in an unhealthy relationship, all because the situation lacked firm and healthy boundaries. Know what else? I also know what it's like to be so out of touch with why boundaries are necessary that I allowed the "fallout" of the dynamic to leave me bitter. In other words, I know what it's like to spend so much time blaming the person for what they did (or didn't do) that I never took ownership for it being, in part, due to never having set boundaries with them from day one.
Coming to that conclusion was a big reality check for me. But you know what? It also made it easier to forgive those who hurt me, to work past the bitterness and get to a place of not putting myself in similar forms of toxicity. I'm telling you, you start to enter into the world of "big girl relationships" when you stop being so mad at what someone did to you and, instead, as an act of self-love, start spending time wondering what you can do to avoid feeling disappointed and disillusioned all of the time. And sis, that starts with knowing the difference between boundaries (being relationally proactive) and bitterness (being relationally reactive).
How to Know a Relationship Has Left You Bitter
There is a Scripture in the Bible (Hebrews 12:15) that warns us that bitterness can cause trouble. After checking out some of the indications of what bitterness looks like, I'm sure you'll be able to see why:
- Bitter people can't forgive and they hold grudges
- Bitter people remain stagnant in their pain
- Bitter people generalize everyone
- Bitter people misdirect their hurt, frustration or anger
- Bitter people dish out what they can't take
- Bitter people don't know how to compromise
- Bitter people have an "all or nothing" mentality; even when it's unrealistic to be that way
- Bitter people are ungrateful
- Bitter people make mountains out of molehills
- Bitter people tend to be hypocritical (they contradict themselves…a lot)
There's not nearly enough time or space to touch on all of these points, but let's look at how a few of them can cause people to think that they are actually setting a boundary, when really all that they are doing is operating from a space of pure bitterness.
Bitter peoplecan't forgive and hold grudges. It really does baffle me, how many people want to be forgiven but refuse to forgive others. Bitter people are like this. They have been hurt so much—or they forgive so little—that if you do one thing that offends them, they are out. Oh, but let them do the same thing or worse and suddenly they are only human and/or the "offendee" needs to get over it. Forgiveness—if it's true forgiveness—isn't easy. As someone who is still figuring out, it's also a process of acknowledging what happened, accepting that nothing can change it, resolving to pardon the offender and then figuring out how to move forward. Bitter people? They don't want to entertain doing any of this. They'd prefer to hold the person—and themselves—hostage by nursing a grudge, harping on the issue and controlling the dynamic by never letting it go rather than releasing the matter and then establishing boundaries until trust can be regained and the relationship can potentially be restored. To a bitter individual, the boundary is that there is no hope for reconciliation…ever. Meanwhile, a person with boundaries accepts that they make mistakes too, so they tend to pay more attention to character and repeated patterns before making a final decision.
Bitter people slice immediately. Folks with boundaries tend to give things time.
Bitter people generalize everyone. I've said it before in other articles; every time I tiptoe out into Black Twitter and see the incessant "Black women ain't this" and "Black men ain't that" coming from my own people, it reminds me of why I enjoy the peace of not being on social media at all. No matter how long any of us have been on this earth, we don't know every human being, so no—we can't be out here generalizing an entire demographic of individuals (we get mad when white folks do that…amen?). This is a given to a lot of folks, but you know who doesn't believe that? Bitter folks. Let three people from a particular "group" disappoint them and suddenly everyone in it is trash. That's because bitter people tend to be too jaded to be patient and forgiving, let alone self-introspective. The way they see it, it's easier to resolve that all of those individuals are the problem instead of retracing their steps to see if boundaries, gut instinct and keen discernment could've resulted in a totally different outcome.
Bitter people tend to be hypocritical. I honestly can't tell you, just how many times that I have sat in front of a married couple who expected their partner to do things that they themselves won't do. The husband wants the wife to initiate sex more when he continues to drop the ball when it comes to being more romantic. The wife wants the husband to affirm her more when he can't get his foot in the door fast enough before she is criticizing him for something. Both people end up resenting each other—which is basically a manifestation of bitterness—because of it. And so, they decide that the way to handle their dissatisfaction is to continue to "hold out" until the other gives them what they want, when what they really should be doing is being the kind of spouse that they desire.
Do you see how, if you're in a bitter space, it can appear to be a boundary when really, it's anything but? If you'd like it to be made a little bit clearer, here's what setting firm boundaries looks like so that you can avoid allowing bitterness to set in as much as possible.
How to Know You’re Setting Good Boundaries
There is someone in my world who hurt me. I mean, really hurt me. For the past several months, they've been trying to set things right. I already know that if I hadn't have forgiven them, I would be out here making it hard on all of the new people who would try and come into my life. Instead, I've set boundaries with this individual. And boundaries are nothing more than limits. For starters, we didn't even begin the process of trying to rebuild our relationship until we discussed what got us off course in the first place, and they owned their part in it, which included an apology. I no longer go above and beyond like I tend to do with my other friends because we're not friends right now; we are two people who care about each other who are trying to heal. I don't put myself in the position to be hurt like I was before because I know what got me in the predicament in the first place; it's that they have a tendency to not do intimacy very well. So, we keep things lighter and more casual. I don't expect them to be or do what I once used to because their actions have proven that they are not ready to.
Still, I haven't totally shut the door because they aren't a bad person; they're really not. I own that I didn't establish certain boundaries and, also that I ignored certain signs that they lacked emotional intelligence and relational self-awareness at the time. By forgiving them, I don't see them as horrible or unredeemable. I see them as someone who simply shouldn't be as close to me as they once were. And you know what? Slowly, but surely, we're getting to being in the best place that we've ever been. Sure, time and us both growing play a direct role. Yet so does boundaries.
See, while bitterness puts up a barbed wire wall that is virtually unscalable, boundaries sets up a wooden fence that says, "Come this close until I say otherwise." And if the person who is on the receiving end of the boundary respects that, over time, oftentimes the boundaries shift. People with healthy boundaries are open to negotiation while bitter people never are. Bitter folks are too busy being annoyed, displeased, irritated, offended and vexed to consider being or doing anything else. Hmph. The sad thing is that it's pretty much only hurting them to be that way.
This is the kind of message that can be a, pardon the pun, bitter pill to swallow. But I promise you, if you become intentional about avoiding bitterness and setting healthy and realistic boundaries, you will be all the better for it. Disappointments will happen less. When they do occur, you'll learn from them easier. And the boundaries will keep you evolving rather than remaining stagnant. Bitterness is bitter. It's not worth it. If it's been your defense mechanism, for the sake of all that you're deserving of—please let it go.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why You Need To Grieve Your Past Relationship
The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships
Should Someone Have To MAKE You Feel Loved?
6 Signs You're About To Let A Toxic Person (Back) Into Your Life
Feature image by Giphy
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- Failure and Disappointment in Scripture | Tabletalk ›
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images