5 Millennial Moms On What It's Like To Raise A Child In New York
Mothers in New York are an entirely different breed. To be fair, mothers in every city should be granted the medal of honor just for managing to get through one week. But here in New York, we are faced with a specific challenge. The average rent for a two-bedroom apartment in New York is around $3,200 per month, while the average income per household is around $50,000. For the childless New Yorker, these numbers are staggering – but for a parent, they can be crippling.
I decided to talk to some of the working moms of New York. Each of them with different stories and different support structures put in place. I like to think, that if women are capable of this, then we are capable of anything. Whether you have children or not, the hustle of a New York mother is inspiration for us all.
*Rachel, 33
Occupation: Seasonal sales person at high-end department store
Income: Less than $50k
Her Story: I'm a mom to a 7-year-old little boy living in Brooklyn. I went to Lincoln University in Pennsylvania and came back to New York after school. I met a guy. We married. Had a baby. Things didn't work out, so I moved to Atlanta as a single mom with my son who was 16 months old at the time. The job market in Atlanta was so rough that I decided to take on a "sugar daddy" to supplement my income. After 2 years of sitting on his lap for money, trying to catch my bearings, and losing my car to the Title Pawn in Atlanta, I decided to come back home to New York. By then, I'd pawned all my valuables: car, jewelry, electronics, cashed savings bonds, depleted CD accounts, and 401k.
I had to get a job – any job. Despite my education, because my child's needs do not cease, that means being underpaid and working schedules that don't agree with my parenting needs. My son is 7-years-old now. He is incredibly smart, he's happy, he's healthy and in a great school and gets good grades. However, in the last three years, we spent 8 months living with my best friend and 20 months at a homeless shelter. I still haven't found gainful employment, so my income is supplemented through food stamps and the $408 a month that the state garnishes from the father.
Before all this, I was an New York socialite on the urban scene. A walking directory for all things lit and fashionable. I had a corporate job and I shopped high end. Shelters, food stamps, and welfare were not a part of the vision I had for our future.
I pray that he never feels the the sacrifice, only the end result, which is fun and love.
*Sabrina, 29
Occupation: Executive Assistant
Income: $50k - $75k
Her Story: Being a mother in New York City is extremely hard. Budgeting has become an everyday struggle in itself – choosing between what is more important week by week. I can't afford to move because of the rapid gentrification in Brooklyn. I'm living in a two-bedroom apartment with several other family members after I was evicted for being unable to pay rent.
My children go to separate schools miles away from one another because of the school district policy in place. There's a good quality public school minutes away from my house however, but it's zoned out of my district and my children cannot attend. Instead, I was told to enroll them into our zone school that is failing academically and farther away.
Because my neighborhood is in the process of gentrification, the only quality schools are charter or private. The people moving in can afford private school, so their children are not enrolling in the public schools. Because my children attend separate schools, more money comes out of my household budget to pay a van driver for drop-off services. To make things work, I'm forced to pay the extra $400 monthly for early drop-off and pick-up.
I also pay for tutoring, which is $450 monthly, swimming lessons for $180 per child, and soccer whenever I can afford it, along with the usual bills rent and car payments. All the while, I have student loans in default.
I've worked 16 hours in one day, causing me to miss quality time with my kids – missing homework, missing laughs, missing their little explanations of their day – all so that I can stay afloat in this beast of a life.
This struggle is never-ending, but as a mom, I put my best foot forward and smile whenever I see my kids.
*Carla, 31
Occupation: Health Care Integrator
Income: Less than $50k
Her Story: We live in a one-bedroom apartment in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn. It has been both difficult and somewhat easy raising my child in such an expensive city. It is difficult because there is not much opportunity for working mothers to have assistance. It sometimes seems like I make too much to qualify for anything substantial because programs only see my pre-taxed without considering all of my expenses.
It can be easy because there are a lot of free entertainment programs I can take my daughter to that help expose her to culture. I spend a lot of time on Google looking for free things to do since money always has to go to more pressing things. It's also hard to arrange pick-up and drop-off since babysitters and nannies tend to charge more an hour than I make an hour. I would like to find a bigger apartment that I can afford so she can have her own room but the prices are very high. I continue to put my name on the housing lottery. What helps a lot, though is that I grew up here and I have friends with kids. My daughter receives a lot of hand-me-downs.
*Kim, 33
Occupation: Account Manager and PR Coordinator
Income: $50k - $75k
Her Story: Ever since moving back to New York in 2009, my sole purpose has been to give my daughter a life that will not only meet, but exceed the lifestyle that my mom - who was also a single parent - provided for me. I would have to say, it's not easy financially, but with faith, it is possible to raise my child in this city.
Like everyone, I have general expenses for everyday survival like rent, food, health care, transportation, etc. My daughter's father is married and lives out of state. I can never predict from one month to the next what type of support financial or otherwise I'll receive from him. So, I'm basically handling all of it on my own. That includes school tuition, after-school activities, childcare, clothes, getting her hair done, and weekend fun. I can't even begin to list all the other little things that come up in between.
I take advantage of sales whenever I can and shop for clothes off-season so we can be frugally fly. My mom is a big help. Sometimes, I food shop at her house and take advantage of her babysitting whenever she's in a good mood. I try to make sure my daughter is as comfortable as possible at home with things she's enjoys so I can save money on outside activities.
However, at the end of the day, faith is always my saving grace. I definitely have moments when I'm sitting there thinking, 'Damn, the struggle is real.' Right before I start to get frustrated or overwhelmed and sometimes after venting to my best friend, I realize that I've been here before and made it through.
My faith has trained me to start to recognize blessings and to worry less about my life because God got this.
* Mya, 34
Occupation: Medical Receptionist and student
Income: Less than $50k
Her Story: I moved to Harlem four years ago from Philadelphia after me and my long-time boyfriend broke up. I dropped out of college after I got pregnant with my second child and before moving back to New York, I finished a medical training program and found a job in a clinic. My job can be very stressful, especially because they won't allow me to leave work an hour early to pick my kids up so I have to pay for aftercare, which is a lot for two kids. I do have some help along the way. I have two cousins who also have small children and we take turns babysitting each other's kids to get a break from time to time. Paying for babysitters is not even an option at this point.
I decided to go back to school this year and I'm taking classes at CUNY to complete my degree in Communications. Between raising my kids and school, I hardly have any time for anything else but I've been dating someone for over a year now. He also has a kid, so it helps that he understands my hustle. We try to be supportive towards each other in the ups and downs of parenting.
I have a car, which helps get my kids to school in the mornings and avoid being out in the weather when it's bad. However, I try to use public transportation as much as possible, especially on weekends when we do little activities in the city. It's important to find free things to do so I'm always looking through Groupon or looking up things online.
Honestly, the thing that keeps me focused is that I know raising my kids here in New York will be an asset to their upbringing.
The schools here, the opportunities, the culture – there's no place like it. I'm okay with my hustle because I appreciate the well-rounded life they can have here.
*Names have been changed for anonymity
Are you a New York City mom? Leave us a comment below with your experience raising a child in the Big Apple.
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Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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