An Intimacy Coordinator Gives The Tea On Our Favorite Love Scenes (& How To Can Recreate Them)

xoNecole: As I understand, the role of an intimacy coordinator is relatively new. Could you tell me about what it entails and what drew you to this line of work?

Zuri Pryor-Graves: Absolutely. Well, yes, it’s fairly new. We’ve been around since 2017 or 2018 after the Me Too Movement. And in my opinion, I feel like we’re an added layer of physical, psychological and emotional safety for everyone involved in creating these scenes. Because some scenes can be very hypersensitive from the mental health side of things, it’s not just about nudity or simulated sex. We’re liaisons from actors to production, but we’re also choreographers. We get to be in a unique space where we are a part of the creative and business side of the production.

xoN: Now I want to talk a little bit about consent. When working on scenes like you mentioned, how do you go about making sure everyone is comfortable? 

Zuri: As a therapist, I can get very clinical. But I don’t want things to feel static or sterile. Because entertainment and TV is a creative process. It’s important to note that no actual sex is had. But for consent-based practices, I’ve seen intimacy coordinators come in and try to sit everyone down for a formal discussion, and I can do that when it’s needed. But I really try to lean on my actors and figure out what they need and how they move. If they already have a relationship, I might be the new person stepping in.

So instead of dictating how things should go, I focus on offering a different language or modeling that language. It’s not about talking to them like they’re in kindergarten, but more about saying, ‘In this situation, here's what I would need—what do you all need?’ It’s about normalizing and standardizing that language and behavior, especially when working with actors who have been doing this longer than I’ve been alive.

It’s not about talking to them like they’re in kindergarten, but more about saying, ‘In this situation, here's what I would need—what do you all need?’ It’s about normalizing and standardizing that language and behavior, especially when working with actors who have been doing this longer than I’ve been alive.

xoN: Got it. So I have to ask, what do you think gives a love scene that IT factor? 

Zuri: An IT factor love scene comes from people willing to have really honest, vulnerable conversations about what they’re comfortable with, and from those who are intuitive enough to pick up on boundaries and respect them. Without that, you can see the discomfort on screen—and we, behind the camera, see it too. We’re sitting there like, 'Okay, cut.'

Actors often accept roles thinking it will be more comfortable than it is, or hoping for some magical ease, but the truth is, it’s going to be uncomfortable. The key is accepting that and figuring out how to move through it together. My ideal is when people are upfront and honest about their boundaries and what they need, and when they’re given the time to rehearse and prepare properly. But often, we discuss things, and next thing you know, we’re on set—without proper rehearsal, which is far from ideal, but happens.

xoN: So, honesty, vulnerability, and boundaries – sounds like that would create magic in real life too. Well, speaking of ‘IT” factor love scenes, our team put together a list of some of our favorites. Would you mind talking through a few of the background components and what made them stand out? 

Zuri: Sure, let’s do it!

xoN: Let’s start with Love and Basketball’s scene where Monica experiences her first time with Quincy. 

Zuri: So I’ve watched the Love and Basketball scene a lot—both as a kid and in my work now. I’ve even been asked to remake versions of that scene for other projects, but they haven’t always been as successful. But I think we love it because of their character development—we fell in love with those characters.

For any scene like that, it’s important to remember there’s no actual sex happening. So, part of my job is figuring out the modesty measures and what’s being placed between the actors' bodies. Since Love and Basketball was filmed years ago, I’d be curious to know what techniques they used – but something was between them. Another scene that comes to mind is from Jason’s Lyric. If you look closely, you can actually see the modesty wear in some shots—a tape or strapless thong, for example.

I love scenes that can be extremely sexy without being overly explicit. For instance, in Love and Basketball, we see his butt briefly, but there’s no full nudity. They had clear boundaries around that, which I think is great.

So I’ve watched the Love and Basketball scene a lot—both as a kid and in my work now. I’ve even been asked to remake versions of that scene for other projects, but they haven’t always been as successful. But I think we love it because of their character development—we fell in love with those characters.

xoN: Speaking of nudity, the next one on our list is Insecure. Specifically, we are referring to Issa and Daniel’s infidelity scene. When this show aired, I remember discussing how the men in the series often show more nudity than the women, which is usually the opposite in film. It’s interesting to see that dynamic play out. Can you talk a bit about that? 

Zuri: In terms of nudity, every scene comes with individual contracts. When negotiating a simulated sex scene or one involving nudity, we create specific contracts known as nudity riders or simulated sex riders. These are provided to the actors 48 hours before the scene and outline every detail, specifying what will be shown—like whether we can see a left nipple, side breast, etc.

Many actors come to a production with overarching nudity-related clauses in their contracts, detailing what they can or cannot do, regardless of having seen the script. My guess is that on Insecure, all the women had a no-nudity clause in their contracts.

When shows don’t feature much nudity but want to suggest it, they often use a day player—an actor brought in just for that scene—who may appear naked while the main cast maintains their no nudity clauses.

xoN: Finally, the current show we landed on is Reasonable Doubt. I know you worked on that one! It’s a fan favorite right now, and the chemistry between all of the actors is so hot. What was it like working on that set, and what do you think took those love scenes to the next level? 

Zuri: Reasonable Doubt was a really amazing project for me to work on as a mental health professional because all of the intimacy was so layered. Peeling back the relationships between these dynamic characters who were experiencing infidelity, domestic assault and violence, financial wellness, and so much more was a lot. Because all of these things factor into how people interact with each other in intimate settings.

One of the scenes I really liked is the scene with Chanel and Von in the hotel room. That is one of my favorite scenes, and it's because of how generous those actors were with one another and me in their creative process. They made the scene goal-oriented in a different way. For example, Chanel really wanted to show that she felt free in this moment - so it was a question of how do we bring that to life in intimacy.

xoN: Finally, I’ll close with this question: what are some elements that bring these creative scenes to life that we can actually take home to elevate our own sexual experiences? 

Zuri: Knowing yourself and communication. You can’t communicate with someone else unless you know yourself. So when I’m having these conversations with actors, it always starts with 1:1 convo. I ask about boundaries, what makes them feel like they’d create their best work and comfortability. I think that’s for anyone. Intimacy starts with you before you share it with anyone.

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