Culture shifts when she moves, and this year’s It Girls have the whole world collectively hitting refresh.
You see, the Culture & Entertainment It Girls don’t just become the moment, they shape it. Whether she’s redefining Young Hollywood, bending genres across the board, or turning a casual drop into cultural canon, her presence transcends timeline, group chats, and red carpets alike. This It Girl is the kind of woman whose name travels, from screens to stages to every corner of the zeitgeist.
This year's It Girl 100 is a mosaic of brilliance, spotlighting media personalities, cultural disruptors, beauty visionaries, and boundary-pushing prodigies who embody the spirit of "Yes, And." This digital celebration honors the women who embrace every facet of themselves, proving you can be a light and still honor your desire to glow at your own pace.
The women repping for the Culture & Entertainment category prove relevance is crafted, not accidental. It's the alchemy of talent, intention, and magnetism that becomes the spark.
Here's the roll call for xoNecole's It Girl 100 Class of 2025: Culture & Entertainment.
Model and Media Personality Olandria Carthen
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Olandria Carthen
Her Handle: @x_olandria
Her Title: Model and Media Personality
Who's That It Girl: Olandria Carthen is lighting up the entertainment space with creativity and confidence. We love her for carving out a name rooted in self-belief and for using her artistry to uplift and inspire.
Actress Akira Akbar
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Akira Akbar
Her Handle: @akira_akbar
Her Title: Actress
Who's That It Girl: Bright, fearless, and full of heart, Akira Akbar is redefining what young Hollywood looks like. We honor her for bringing depth and authenticity to every role and for reminding the world that talent has no age limit.
Singer, Songwriter and Actress Halle Bailey
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Halle Bailey
Her Handle: @hallebailey
Her Title: Singer, Songwriter and Actress
Who's That It Girl: Halle Bailey is ethereal strength in motion. We love her for redefining princesshood, representation, and the power of visibility, inspiring young dreamers to believe their voices belong on every stage.
Entrepreneur, Model, Actress, and Cultural Voice Chelley Bissanthe
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Chelley Bissanthe
Her Handle: @_slimthin
Her Title: Entrepreneur, Model, Actress, and Cultural Voice
Who's That It Girl: Chelley Bissainthe is a Haitian-American model, entrepreneur, and advocate. She uses her platform to uplift communities, honor her Caribbean heritage, and build pathways to ownership and legacy.
Actress and Singer Ryan Destiny
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Ryan Destiny
Her Handle: @ryandestiny
Her Title: Actress and Singer
Who's That It Girl: Ryan Destiny embodies star power and stillness in one. We celebrate her for her poise, range, and unshakable confidence, proof that quiet strength can shine just as bright as any spotlight.
Reality TV Personality and Influencer Amber Desiree (AD)
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Amber Desiree (AD)
Her Handle: @amberdesiree
Her Title: Reality TV Personality and Influencer
Who's That It Girl: Charismatic and bold, Amber Desiree brings emotional depth and vibrant storytelling to every project she touches. We love her for representing multifaceted womanhood on screen and off, inspiring a generation of creatives to lead with authenticity.
Top Creator, Model, Media Personality and Cultural Tastemaker Serena Page
Credit: Jacob Webster
Serena Page
Her Handle: @serenaapagee
Her Title: Top Creator, Model, Media Personality and Cultural Tastemaker
Who's That It Girl: Serena Page first captured hearts on Love Island USA Season 6 and has since become one of pop culture’s favorite “it girls.” Her confidence and authenticity have made her a go-to face for brands like SheaMoisture, Pepsi, and CeraVe.
Director and Executive Producer Courtney Whitaker
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Courtney Whitaker
Her Handle: @courtneyewhitaker
Her Title: Director and Executive Producer
Who's That It Girl: Courtney Whitaker is a two-time Emmy-winning producer and director specializing in TV, documentaries, and branded content. With over 20 projects completed, she's dedicated to amplifying underrepresented voices through impactful storytelling.
DJ Uncle Waffles
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Uncle Waffles
Her Handle: @unclewaffles_
Her Who's That It Girl: The DJ queen of the global stage, Uncle Waffles turns sound into celebration. We love her for electrifying dance floors and championing African creativity with confidence, rhythm, and undeniable joy.
Entrepreneur and Television Personality JaNa Craig
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JaNa Craig
Her Handle: @janacraig_
Her Title: Creator, Entrepreneur and Television Personality
Who's That It Girl: With creativity that defies convention, JaNa Craig is building a lane all her own in music and production. We celebrate her for reminding women that reinvention is power and authenticity is art.
Award-Winning Journalist, Host and Creator Gia Peppers
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Gia Peppers
Her Handle: @giapeppers
Her Title: Award-Winning Journalist, Host and Creator of Healed Girl Era Podcast
Who's That It Girl: Gia Peppers is an award-winning journalist, host, and podcaster who uses her platforms to tell powerful stories. Through More Than That and Healed Girl Era, she reminds audiences to embrace their voice and value.
Actress, Executive Producer, and Founder Marsai Martin
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Marsai Martin
Her Handle: @marsaimartin
Her Title: Actress, Executive Producer, and Founder of Genius Entertainment and Sai Summer Cookout
Who's That It Girl: Marsai Martin is a creative prodigy with executive energy. We’re inspired by her for producing, directing, and acting with intention, showing young Black girls that leadership starts wherever you decide it does.
Rapper and Singer Doechii
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Doechii
Her Handle: @doechii
Her Title: Rapper and Singer
Who's That It Girl: A lyrical firestorm and unapologetic visionary, Doechii is shaping the sound of this generation. We honor her for pushing the boundaries of genre, performance, and self-expression with fearless creativity.
Actress, Singer, Producer and TV Host Keke Palmer
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Keke Palmer
Her Handle: @keke
Her Title: Actress, Singer, Producer and TV Host
Who's That It Girl: An icon of charisma and confidence, Keke Palmer is entertainment royalty. We celebrate her for leading with humor, honesty, and hustle, showing that versatility is her superpower and evolution her legacy.
Actress, Model, Singer, Designer, Content Creator and Entrepreneur Nzinga Imani
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Nzinga Imani
Her Handle: @nzingaimani
Her Title: Actress, Model, Singer, Designer, Content Creator and Entrepreneur
Who's That It Girl: We love Nzinga Imani for her bold authenticity and on-screen presence. As an actress, model, and entrepreneur, she’s redefining beauty and representation in entertainment.
Rapper and Singer Monaleo
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Monaleo
Her Handle: @themonaleo
Her Title: Rapper and Singer
Who's That It Girl: Monaleo’s voice hits with power and purpose. We honor her for pairing confidence with vulnerability, turning her truth into anthems that inspire women to heal loudly and live boldly.
Singer and Songwriter Amaarae
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Amaarae
Her Handle: @amaarae
Her Title: Singer and Songwriter
Who's That It Girl: With a sound that bends genres and a style that breaks rules, Amaarae is one of music’s most daring voices. We celebrate her for pushing boundaries, owning her individuality, and amplifying the power of Afro-fusion on a global stage.
Singer, KATSEYE Monan Bannerman
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Monan Bannerman
Her Handle: @meretmanon
Her Title: Singer, KATSEYE
Who's That It Girl: As a member of KATSEYE, Monan merges style, grace, and global influence. We celebrate her for bringing cultural depth and individuality to the next generation of pop icons.
Singer, Actress, Creative Director, and Choreographer Teyana Taylor
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Teyana Taylor
Her Handle: @teyanataylor
Her Title: Singer, Actress, Creative Director, and Choreographer
Who's That It Girl: Teyana Taylor is the embodiment of artistry, singer, choreographer, director, designer. We honor her for transforming every creative avenue she touches into a masterpiece of movement, emotion, and empowerment.
Singer, Songwriter and Producer Laila!
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Laila!
Her Handle: @prodlaila
Her Title: Singer, Songwriter, and Producer
Who's That It Girl: Laila is the creative force whose sound pulses with honesty and energy. We honor her for capturing emotion through production and storytelling, inspiring a new era of music that feels intimate yet universal.
Actress Antonia Gentry
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Antonia Gentry
Her Handle: @_antoniagentry_
Her Title: Actress
Who's That It Girl: With talent that transcends screens, Antonia Gentry brings raw emotion and grace to every performance. We honor her for reminding us that vulnerability is strength and that storytelling can be both healing and revolutionary.
Actress and Model Laura Harrier
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Laura Harrier
Her Handle: @lauraharrier
Her Title: Actress and Model
Who's That It Girl: Effortlessly chic and profoundly grounded, Laura Harrier is redefining Hollywood grace. We celebrate her for using her platform to champion representation and for proving that elegance and activism can coexist beautifully.
R&B Singer/Songwriter, Actress Coco Jones
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Coco Jones
Her Handle: @cocojones
Her Title: R&B Singer/Songwriter, Actress
Who's That It Girl: Coco Jones is a Grammy-winning R&B breakout who captivates with her timeless artistry and soulful voice. She also stars as Hilary Banks in the Bel-Air reboot and recently wrapped an upcoming romantic comedy That’s Her.
Entrepreneur, Media Personality and Philanthropist Lauren Speed-Hamilton
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Lauren Speed-Hamilton
Her Handle: @need4lspeed
Her Title: Entrepreneur, Media Personality and Philanthropist
Who's That It Girl: Lauren Speed-Hamilton turned her Love Is Blind journey into a masterclass in purpose-driven storytelling. We love her for inspiring authenticity in love, media, and entrepreneurship, building connection where vulnerability meets vision.
Actress and Singer Amber Riley
Credit: xoNecole
Amber Riley
Her Handle: @msamberpriley
Her Title: Actress and Singer
Who's That It Girl: Amber Riley’s voice is pure power, soulful, spiritual, and unforgettable. We celebrate her for using her artistry to uplift others, redefining what resilience and radiance look like in entertainment.
Joy Woods
Her Handle: @joynwoods
Her Title: Actress
Who's That It Girl: Joy Woods’ name says it all, joy radiates through every note she sings. We’re inspired by her Broadway brilliance and her commitment to showing that Black women’s voices are boundless and breathtaking.
Country Singer, Songwriter Tanner Adell
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Tanner Adell
Her Handle: @tanneradell
Her Title: Country Singer, Songwriter
Who's That It Girl: With a voice as bold as her vision, Tanner Adell is redefining country music with style and soul. We celebrate her for breaking barriers, blending cultures, and creating a sound that’s unapologetically her own.
Producer, Host and Media Maven Kéla Walker
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Kéla Walker
Her Handle: @KelaWalker
Her Title: Producer, Host and Media Maven
Who's That It Girl: Kéla Walker is a 7x Emmy-nominated producer, host, and digital tastemaker, a modern-day media maven merging television storytelling with contemporary influence. As the founder of Walker Media Group, she curates aspirational lifestyle content anchored in style, culture, and substance. From red carpets to real life, Kéla brings a distinct point of view that bridges legacy media and the digital landscape.
TV Personality Riley Burruss
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Riley Burruss
Her Handle: @rileyburruss
Her Title: TV Personality
Who's That It Girl: We celebrate Riley Burruss as a rising creative and storyteller forging her own space in entertainment. Fresh out of NYU with a degree in music business, she’s building momentum through Next Gen NYC and her podcast The Burruss Banter, all while exploring a future in entertainment law.
Entrepreneur, Actor, Model, Style Icon and Entrepreneur Lori Harvey
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Lori Harvey
Her Handle: @loriharvey
Her Title: Beauty Entrepreneur, Actor, Model, Style Icon and Entrepreneur
Who's That It Girl: Lori Harvey embodies modern femininity and independence. We celebrate her for turning self-love into legacy and for inspiring women to walk confidently in their own power.
Actress Storm Reid
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Storm Reid
Her Handle: @stormreid
Her Title: Actress
Who's That It Girl: Storm Reid radiates brilliance far beyond her years. We love her for bringing compassion, creativity, and courage to every role, a true beacon for young women dreaming of changing the world through art.
Actress Whitney Peak
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Whitney Peak
Her Handle: @whitneypeak
Her Title: Actress
Who's That It Girl: Whitney Peak exudes quiet confidence and magnetic charm. We celebrate her for redefining modern cool and for reminding young women that authenticity is the most timeless form of beauty.
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women shaping the culture this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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