

How To Know You've Truly Healed. From 'Him'.
The timing of writing this is really something. While I was doing some keystroking, I got a call from one of my clients. They recently broke up with someone and are actually displaying some of the very behaviors that we're about to get into today. So, while it's on my mind, let me just say that if you just called it quits with someone, I'd say around 4-6 weeks ago, this article doesn't necessarily apply to you. Ending relationships can be quite painful and it takes a little bit of time for the "heart scab" to form so that the healing process can truly begin.
Oh, but if it's been a few months now (or more) and you're not able to tell much of a difference between today and how you felt on the day when the relationship official came to a close, this is something I would recommend that you at least skim through. The reality is that, for most of us, heartbreak is indeed sure. A bigger reality is if we don't make sure to fully heal—"to make healthy, whole or sound"; "to cleanse"; "to purify"—from the situation, not only is it going to hold us back, it can also hinder us from getting into a relationship that is so much better.
So, how can you know, for certain, that you've truly healed from an ex? I'm so glad that you asked. Here are some telling signs that you can gauge your mind and heart by.
1.You’re Not Bitter
I'm thinking that one of the most telling signs that someone hasn't healed from shoot, just about anything that deals with relationships (any kind of relationship), is they are bitter. And yeah, bitter ain't good. Whenever I think of that word, as it relates to romantic relationships, the first thing that oftentimes comes to my mind is the synonym "acrimonious" which ties really well into the Tyler Perry movie Acrimony. Yeah, I know that film triggered a lot of folks yet something I did appreciate about it was it showed a very bitter woman and how she came to be that way (because very few are bitter for absolutely no reason). It also revealed an extreme example of what can happen when you don't let bitterness go. Know another in-real-life example of bitterness? A lot of posts that I see on social media. It's like some folks think it's an Olympic sport to dog out Black men all day long. And what's a trip about this particular example is the fact that, when someone is bitter, they tend to, by definition, generalize.
What are some other indications of being bitter? Holding grudges. Being jealous of other people's relationships. Always seeing things with negative slant. Staying stuck in the past. Not acknowledging the good things that are happening in your life. Comparing the next guy to the old one.
To be fair, when you first break-up with someone, there do tend to be stages of grief that can sometimes feel like bitterness (check out "Why You Need To Grieve Your Past Relationship"). Yet if it's been so long since the relationship ended at this point that even your friends, your mama and your auntie are like, "Girl, we're still talking about this?", it's worth asking yourself if there is some bitterness within you that still needs to be addressed. Then resolved.
2.You’re Not Rebounding
The flip side to being bitter? Oftentimes it includes being on the rebound. I've mentioned in articles before that I actually-pretty-close-to-loathe the saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else." One of the main reasons why is because that typically speaks to using another person as a distraction—and, well, as the saying goes, everywhere you go, there you are. Yeah, trying to get over someone by getting involved with someone isn't the best way to heal from the relationship. More times than not, all it does is cause you to compare the new guy to the old one and worse, you can end up making him pay if he shows even remote signs of being like your ex.
What's so wrong with that? Well, say that something you didn't like about your ex-boyfriend was that he wasn't very romantic or attentive. Let the new guy show up 10 minutes late to something and all of a sudden, now he's selfish and too immature for a relationship. And it's all because you're too jaded to see things from a balanced perspective (which I'm gonna address in just a sec).
A healed person is fine standing on their own. That's how healed they are. If you can't imagine getting through your break-up without someone else being around, that's not fair to the-new-him—or to you. Rebounding rarely ever is.
3.You Have a Balanced Perspective
When I speak of having a balanced perspective, this can actually go a few different directions. First, when you're healed from him, you're not holding the guys in your future to "his" standard. You are able to see each person as an individual and "judge" accordingly. Another example of having a balanced perspective is you don't just remember all of the bad times or all of the good. Another sign of being balanced is you don't see only what you want to see.
A great example of this particular point is the movie (500) Days of Summer (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel). One of my very favorite scenes is when Tom (Gordon-Levitt) went to a party that Summer (Zooey) threw and it showed his expectations vs. the actual reality via a split screen (you can watch it here). Because Tom was still so hung up on Summer following their break-up, he had a one-sided perspective. He saw what he wanted to see which was Summer inviting him to her party to get back together when the reality is that it was really her engagement party to some other guy.
When you're not healed, you tend to have quite a bit of tunnel vision. More times than not, it's because you're trying to protect yourself—even if it's by doing things that are only putting yourself in harm's way. That said, you know you've healed when things aren't unrealistic or extremely. You can process things for what they are because you've got a balanced insight on matters.
4.You Can Own Your Own Ish
I don't care if it's your BFF, the First Lady of your church or your favorite relationship coach, be careful of listening to people who, when they speak of their own relationships, you never—and I do mean NEVER—hear them say what they did wrong or could've done better. One of the things that is super annoying—and dangerous—about the state of our society these days is how so many people seem to have a total lack of personal accountability. That's why, while I will do it sometimes, I prefer to work with a couple instead of just one person who is in the relationship. Why? Because when you hear both sides, things make a helluva lot more sense as you're trying to figure out how a couple got to where they are.
Whew. I can't tell you how many times a wife will hit me up to provide me with a long list of all of the things that her husband is doing wrong. When I just hear it from her end, it's easy to think that her husband is a living hell. Oh, but let him tell his side and more times than not, I get that what he's doing is a reaction to what has been said or done to him—by his wife. That they both have created the mess that they are in.
When it comes to heartbreak, I've definitely had some doozies and known some asses. The more I heal, though, the more I can see some of my own missteps. The reason why that is so important for me to do is because I'm able to acknowledge how I got into the relationship, along with the poor choices that I made, so that I can avoid getting into similar situations, moving forward. If you're trying to get over an ex and you are totally unwilling to see and then accept what you could've done to make the relationship better/healthier (and I don't mean that passive aggressive "I loved him too much" mess than somehow still soothes your ego; I mean, "I was too controlling" or "I was impatient"…the real stuff), that oftentimes means that the wound is so fresh that it hurts to step on your stuff. The more you heal, the easier it will be able to do, though. Trust me.
5.He’s Not Able to “Double Dutch” in Your Life
There's a guy in my life who, it took me much longer than it should have for me to get over him. I think a part of it was because I lacked that "balanced perspective" that I referenced. Plus, he's super charming (the Bible says that charm is deceitful; don't be impressed with it—Proverbs 31:30), so he oftentimes would do just enough to keep me emotionally invested in some level without him having to fully commit. Because of this, it was very easy for him to Double Dutch (you know, go in and out, in and out) of my life.
Amazingly, after all of that, we've managed to remain a few steps up from just being "cool". I can tell that I really am completely over and healed from the situation because, when he came through to pick up something, saw some roses in my living room and inquired who they were from, my total energy was, "Boy, bye". I didn't care what he thought. The way he tried to flirt to reel me back in was futile. I wasn't mad, giddy or triggered. I was just…over it.
One of the reasons why I'm such a fan of initial break-ups being clean breaks is so that people don't have to go through (or is it send themselves through?) a lot of what I can personally relate to. Sometimes, when it comes to an ex, we keep going around and around and around like Keith Sweat once sang about because it seems easier to keep "some" of the guy in our life than to have none of him at all. Yet that's the thing—break-ups happen because one or both people aren't able to give their all or two people don't mesh well enough to give their all. So, it's really best to just leave well enough alone so that they both can get to their better "fit".
Does this mean that I think exes aren't capable of getting back together? What I will say is, when it comes to healthy and progressive dynamics, that tends to be the exception and not the rule. Either way, being "on" one day and "off" the next, for weeks, months or even years on end, is just wasting your time and causing the attachment to grow deeper. Bottom line, if you keep letting him in and out of your life, you're not being fair to yourself. You're also allowing him to get too many of the benefits without much of the responsibility.
Eventually, more times than not, that is a straight-up recipe for disaster. And could end up taking you so much longer to heal from…it all.
6.You Clearly See Where You’ve Grown
When it comes to most break-ups, there's a season when all you can think about is how the end of the relationship is hurting you. You might even think that it is ruining your life. As you start to heal, though, you begin to notice some silver linings that you probably didn't see coming. Maybe the break-up has taught you to love yourself more. Maybe the break-up has revealed some cyclic patterns that you need to break. Perhaps the break-up has taught you how to be more tolerant or forgiving or—the other side of the coin—to set better boundaries. Maybe now you can see how you've become more sure of yourself and how to not settle. Could it be that the break-up has you more emotionally aware and mentally centered than you've ever been?
The thing about relationships is, if we're really paying attention, they are lessons. And the purpose of a lesson is to teach us something. When we learn, our minds expand. As a result, there is growth. When you're able to step back from a relationship and be like, "Yeah, it hurt. But man, it taught me this, this and this and I'm all the better for it", not only does that also reveal that you've healed—it has taken a lot of the power away that the person and relationship once had in your life. You can thank it and him for how it influenced you to become who you are. So that you can move on—fully and peacefully.
7.You’re Able to Wish Him Well
How many of y'all rolled your eyes when you read this point and then followed that expression up with, "Wish him well…for what?" Listen, author Dr. Wayne W. Dyer once said something about karma that a lot of people could stand to blow up and hang in their office as a daily reality check—"How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours." Some of my exes? When I tell you that I don't ever have to see them again and even never would be too soon, I mean that from the very bottom of my heart. At the same time, I don't want any harm or even hurt to come to them. Why? Because I'm over it. Folks who tend to hold vengeance in their heart are usually people who are still putting way too much energy into a person or situation. Or both.
While I'm all about setting some boundaries up in here so that I won't be hurt again (and so I won't have to keep reliving a lesson that life has already taught me) when it comes to eh, 95 percent of the people who have hurt me before—whether professionally or personally—I can definitely send light and good energy into their direction because the reality is, at one point, something was good enough about them that caused us to have a connection. And so, just like I was able to grow and move forward, I hope they are able to do the same.
Healing isn't easy. Don't let anyone tell you something different. The only thing that's harder is to think that you've healed when you actually haven't. I hope all of this provided a bit more clarity for if you have fully healed from an ex—or not. If you have, celebrate yourself. If you haven't—be gentle with your being while still acknowledging that there is more work to do—for your greater good.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Masturdating: A TikTok Dating Trend That We Should Totally Get Behind
Imma tell y’all what — it seems like not one week goes by when I don’t see some sort of so-called term that has me like, “What in the world?” For instance, when I first stumbled upon “self-partnering,” honestly, I laughed. Then shared it with some other single people as well as married folks I know. And I kid you not, every individual was like, “What the heck does that mean?” When I told them that it was yet, one more way to seemingly define single living, basically everyone’s follow-up was, “Oh, brother.”
Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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