Sometimes the most important messages come when you least expect them. When I came across this recent post by Jada Pinkett Smith, the forever soothsayer of my hidden emotions, I had to stop in my tracks for a moment to digest it. The post threw me all the way back to my own first heartbreak.
We can all admit to having our hearts broken: whether it was our first experience with puppy love, breaking up with a long-time partner, or even growing apart from a close friend or family member. Heartbreak hurts and it's real. For me, my heart truly "broke" for the first time in college. It began as a whirlwind of emotions.
He was the person I always imagined would become a part of my future until he quickly and painfully became a part of my past.
At that age, I didn't really have the capacity to process what was happening. I was in the midst of living in an entirely new part of the country, learning how to survive on my own, and trying to make new friends all while finding a way to be a successful student, varsity cheerleader, and an active member of all of the extracurricular activities at the same time. I remember feeling overwhelmed and destroyed.
No one ever taught me how I would feel when my expectations were met with disappointment. No one told me how much it would hurt to have to maintain my composure when all I wanted to do was stay in my dorm room and cry. And, certainly, no one could have prepared me for the years it took for me to truly move past the hurt, regain my self-esteem, and move forward in a productive and healthy way.
Everyone's first experience with heartbreak is different, but one thing that we all have in common is that there is real pain involved.
As with any type of trauma, we may develop coping mechanisms, ways to avoid the pain, and even, at times, we miss the mark in healing our own hearts. When Jada Pinkett Smith recently took to Instagram, she gave us the game that many of us need.
The actress revealed that her first heartbreak was from her own father and that it wasn't until she developed a relationship with a higher power that she was truly able to begin to heal from it.
"For me, my first heartbreak was from my father at 7 years old, and then many people and circumstances on top of that disappointed me and broke my heart. And it wasn't until I developed a really strong relationship with a higher power that my brokenness and my heartbreak could be healed. But it also made me realize that people don't break my heart. It's my false beliefs around love and my unrealistic expectations of people that break my heart."
Jada reiterated one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received along my journey in love and relationships. When you keep your heart open but your expectations in check, you realize that you can't control what others say or do, but you can control your reactions to them.
By keeping expectations at bay, you realize that others will never be responsible for your reactions: you, and only you, control how you feel and what you think.
Before I knew this, I was definitely guilty of using others to try and fill the cracks in my heart. It's easy to focus on what feels like a new love or new connection and then forget that you still have some work to do on yourself before you bring another love into the picture. For me, because I wasn't fully healed, I wasn't able to allow myself to fully open myself up to the next person, and, in turn, the connection faded because there was no foundation to start with. To Jada, this is another product of our expectations of others. In her caption, she wrote:
"Often times we expect people we love to heal our broken hearts. When we realize our loved ones can't heal our brokenness (for they are broken too) ... we often feel deeply disappointed and/or have feelings of being betrayed even. We can also spend a lot of time punishing people and having deep resentment towards our loved ones for not behaving in a certain manner that makes our wounded hearts feel good ... all day, everyday."
Now that I've been through my own handful of heartbreaks, I've finally had the time to process my part in my own pain as well as any pain I may have caused those around me. But I truly do not believe that I would have been able to start this process without a real effort to start focusing on myself and my spirituality.
God truly began to answer my calls when I was in the depths of my pain. When I asked him "What do You want me to do now?", He guided me through a religious and spiritual experience that included a lot of self-reflection, a lot of tears, prayer and mindfulness, and an overall life evaluation that I don't think would have happened without that call. It forced me to realize that I am responsible for how I feel and no one else could take on that responsibility for me.
In order to lift myself out of any of the pain and despair I might have felt, I had to focus on feeling good rather than looking to someone else to fill those voids.
One of the hardest things to do is admit that we really are in control of how we feel, even if someone else did do things that cause us pain. Jada revealed that she spent a period of time angry with the Higher Power because she felt "entitled to everyone's best behavior and love." The 47-year-old admits that it wasn't until she humbled herself that she realized that she was demanding things from others that she should be demanding of herself. That's when she finally had a breakthrough. She continued:
"When I realized I'm the only one responsible for my pain, even if it's someone else's fault, I was really angry with the Higher Power because 'I' felt entitled to everyone's best behavior and love. When I finally found some humility and got over myself and surrendered to that Power that is far higher than 'I' and do the work to be for myself what I was demanding everyone else to be FOR me ... I was able to find the Kingdom within and every bit of love and healing I had been looking for all along."
Self-work is hard stuff. It doesn't come overnight, and it takes a lot of time, patience, and forgiveness (for ourselves and others) to truly have that breakthrough. I am the first one to tell you that I am a work in progress, but I feel that because I put in the work, I am much better off than I would be had I ignored the pain and continued to blame others for my unhappiness.
Heartbreaks can be healed, but it's up to us to put in the work and love ourselves first.
In the comments, answer Jada's question: "Can you remember your first heartbreak and how it shaped your life?"
Featured image by Gabriel Olsen/WireImage
RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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Featured image by Giphy