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The Importance Of Healing After A Breakup
Healing after a breakup can be quite a dark journey, but it's an essential part of our growth and having a more fruitful relationship in the foreseeable future. For many people like myself, I never saw the beauty in healing. I thought the power was in moving on instantly and being open to dating right after coming out of a relationship/situationship. I used to be a serial dater and played victim like it was nobody's business.
About two years ago, my toxic way of thinking used to be, yeah, it was his fault we didn't work out–he just chose to leave me like the rest of them. It wasn't until my last relationship that I realized I was just playing the blame game and not being accountable for my end of the partnership.
I really had to sit with myself and question all of my mishaps of how I'm going to work through my deep-rooted abandonment issues and why I see myself as less of a woman without a partner.
I felt like I always had a void to fill, and I knew being alone for some time wasn't exactly the option I thought I needed to do – and I avoided doing it. I went through the phase of overusing dating apps, and noticed I was beginning to see men as just a disposable swipe, just a face, not too concerned about character and values. My solution became I dated someone new to get over someone else and hoped to find my partner for life along the way.
Thinking back on how I used to think made me feel a bit shameful initially, but as time went on, I thought of it as this was what I knew then, and that season also serves a purpose for shaping the woman I am today. In order to change my perspective, I had to take a 360-approach to any triggers and hold myself accountable for doing better. You can't do the same thing expecting better results – that's just insanity.What should you NOT do after a breakup?
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Do not go rushing back to your ex for closure. There is a reason you guys broke up, whether it be for good or maybe you guys are able to get back together after working on each other's issues separately. But right now, we don't know where the future will take either of you, so you have to only focus on you! Create our own closure, and it shouldn't start with hate but appreciation of what you learned from that relationship.
Leave the dating apps alone for now or forever.
It will not serve you or the potential partner you entertain because you can't offer the best version of yourself before working on yourself. We live in such a microwave time frame where everyone is like, OK, that didn't work out, on to the next. But your heart and healing process doesn't work like that, and you need to provide yourself space to mourn.
The unfortunate truth is that most people don't like being alone; they quickly feel lonely and go to others to fill that void. You will never be a whole, healthy partner until you make it entirely your responsibility to be happy. Don't go running to friends with benefits or dating in general either because that's just another layer of avoidance to not deal with your reality. This is a season of discipline, and in order for you to learn the lesson, you have to hold yourself to high standards to attain a healthy and healed mindset.
What are the stages of healing after a breakup?
Allow yourself to grieve and mourn your significant other. You are allowed to cry; despite what others say, it's not a sign of weakness; it's just a human trait we all have expressing deep emotions. It doesn't mean you aren't going to deal with your healing process; you are doing that now, and as time progresses, those tears will come to an end.
Therapy is a great adventure to explore after a relationship. It will help analyze your feelings in the partnership and point out areas you fell short in because that's all you have control of – is yourself. They will ask questions regarding if you paid attention to red flags and did you address them? Did you feel like you settled for less? Were you vocal about things you were uncomfortable with, or did you keep enabling traits you weren't fond of? What was your argument style like? Etc.
I would highly suggest journaling in this season. Get to a deeper level to understanding the pain you're enduring. Read it back to yourself aloud to repaint the picture to look at it in a logical perspective being that your lens is sharper because you're not in the relationship anymore.
There are also great books and games to explore during your healing process. Psychologist and host of Therapy for Black Girls, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, has created a phenomenal guided journal called Questions That Need Answers: After The Breakup. It's a great way to make sense of the chaos and set healthy intentions for your next relationship when you feel ready to date again. I've also been exploring this introspective game by We're Not Really Strangers Self-Reflection Kit, which includes a journal and a 52-card deck asking questions about yourself and your relationship with others.
Signs you're healing from the breakup
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Remember the date you set for being single? Well, you threw it out the window because you are finding contentment and joy in your solitude! You'll know your healing when the waterworks come to an end or just occur less. You're able to look at the relationship for all that it helped you grow as a person, and you're hoping for the absolute best for your ex-partner.
Any animosity or resentment you had prior, you simply let it go. You've learned that holding grudges doesn't help either party; it just holds them back from healing. You've forgiven yourself and your partner for where you both fell short–you were doing the best you could with what you knew at that time. You've learned that two halves don't make a whole relationship; only two whole people can sustain a progressive long-term relationship.
The best part of it all is that you're finally seeing your whole worth! Your worth isn't defined by partnership; your worth is determined by how much you know and value yourself and hold others accountable for meeting those standards. You will be handing out a lot of rejection letters once you know your value because most people don't deserve access to you.
Healing is not a destination; it's a journey. So have grace with this process and get used to loving yourself more; no one can fill your love cup up like you!
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Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."