The Beauty In The ‘Healing Crisis’
This past year has been a trip—and then some. Without intentionally setting out to do so, I've ended some toxic relationships (which were mostly toxic because I was the one doing most of the work to maintain them). And, even though no one is independently wealthy over here, I decided to sever some professional ties (mostly because they weren't paying me even close to what I was worth).
As a result, I've had some moments when I've felt—beat. I mean that kind of exhaustion where if I slept 16 hours a day, it wouldn't be enough. I've also had moments when I've broken out into tears for no apparent reason and, let's not even discuss my bank account.
There's no doubt about it, in some ways, this season has had me feeling worse rather than better. And although I know I've made choices that truly are the best for me, it hasn't immediately felt that way.
However, what was going on in my personal and professional life isn't what helped me to pinpoint what was actually transpiring. It was actually something what went down with my body physically.
What My Candida Attack Revealed
If you've ever had a yeast infection before, you know there are really no words to describe how utterly annoying and uncomfortable it can be. Well, not too long ago, I had the triple threat (literally) of a yeast infection, a small eczema flare-up, and a bout of tinea versicolor—all at the same time. Hell on earth, I say. No exaggeration.
t had been so long since I had a yeast infection that I went to the drugstore to cop some Monistat. Not to knock the over-the-counter drug, but basically my body laughed at the cream. It was a complete waste of twenty bucks.
I was willing to bet good money that what I had going on was a fungal issue (I have a natural sensitivity to fungus). And since I'm not a fan of taking antibiotics (I try to avoid them if I can; besides, some infections are resistant to them anyway) and going to the doctor was going to cost a pretty penny, I decided to take matters into my own hands and treat matters holistically.
What I discovered helped me to see the silver lining in my not-so-little-little fungal attack.
Bad breath. Constipation. Breakouts. Mood swings. Insomnia. A low libido. If you make the time to check out "The Largely Unknown Health Epidemic Affecting Almost ALL Americans," you'll peep that reportedly "70 percent of all people are affected by Candida, a systemic fungal infection"—and a lot of the symptoms I just mentioned are indications that you might be one of those individuals.
Anyway, as I was reading up on just what candida is and does to our bodies (it's some pretty icky/scary stuff), I also looked up some natural ways to treat a candida infection (which is a form of a fungal infection).
Breaking all of what I discovered down is kind of its own article. Let me just say for now that antifungal herbs like garlic, turmeric, tea tree oil, Pau D'Arco, and Oil of Oregano are real game-changers. If you add to that some berberine and Yeast Fend (from The Vitamin Shoppe) and a mega-probiotic, I'd be floored if you don't start to feel much better.
Well, after you start to feel worse, that is.
What do I mean by that?
After I researched how all that was going on with me was interconnected and then I added those herbs (along with eating less sugar, drinking more water and taking my stress down a few notches) into my system, for a couple of days I was like, "What in the world is going on?!" I was more tired, had more discharge and itching, and even a few pimples. Uh-uh.
But then I happened upon a phrase known as the "healing crisis" and it's not only changed my life, but also my perspective on what I was going through - both internally and externally.
What My Physical Healing Crisis Is Teaching Me
Long story short, a healing crisis is defined as being "a temporary worsening of symptoms that occurs when the body is going through the process of healing itself through the elimination of toxins."
In the case of candida, as the cells die off, toxins are released into our system that result in us feeling worse (sometimes much worse)…first. That's because during a healing crisis, the symptoms aren't the things being addressed. The root of the infection is too. Maybe you've been consuming too much sugar, or have an underlying health issue, or you're not having enough antibiotics - whatever it is, the healing crisis is an essential part of resolving your concerns. So if you stay the course and are patient on your journey, you eventually end up feeling better than ever.
As I thought about the healing crisis on a physical level, it got me to thinking about many of the things that have been going on in other areas of my life.
Take my personal relationships, for example. Being basically co-dependent in so many of them was a lot like applying Monistat to a yeast infection. I was doing whatever I could to keep certain people in my life, but I was never really happy in those relationships. What was my root issue of that?
Well, for starters, I'm realizing that as a childhood abuse survivor, some of the boundaries that weren't taught to me as a child, resulted in me not setting healthy ones as an adult. Oh, but I'm doing that now (if you've never readSafe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't—chile, it will change your life!).
My relational healing crisis is teaching me that going-along-to-get-along is usually a "symptomatic way" of handling things. Choosing to value myself and not settle for less—across the board—is getting to the root of past patterns and problems.
And you know what? Just like things had to "die off" in my body for me to be physically healthy again, certain people, places, things, and ideas had to go as well for me to live my best life.
In order for me to get to where I know I need to be, life literally had to get worse before it could start getting better. But baby, I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel and the gold at the end of the rainbow.
Alloy
So, if it took having a health crisis to learn what a healing crisis is and why I needed to experience one, believe it or not, the candida was worth it.
Bottom line, if you've got to let some things go, even if it hurts, in order to be your best self, DO IT.
It will feel like a crisis at first, but there will be healing in it.
I promise you that.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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'Love Is Blind' Star AD Smith Shows Us That The Journey To Self-Worth Is Ongoing And She Shouldn't Be Criticized For It
This season of Love Is Blind was undeniably a rollercoaster ride of emotions. From intricate love triangles to deeply rooted attachment issues, it offered viewers a compelling glimpse into the complexities of modern relationships.
Yet, amidst the drama and romance, I think it serves as a poignant reminder of how we can possess a keen awareness of our relationship patterns; we can even find ourselves in therapy for years yet find ourselves repeatedly entangled in the same destructive cycles. Without the necessary tools and strategies to dismantle old habits and embrace healthier alternatives, we are destined to remain ensnared in a cycle of repetition and stagnation.
Amber Desiree “AD” Smith was left shocked and confused at the altar when her fiancé, Clay Gravesande, ultimately decided not to go through with the wedding ceremony. His actions throughout the season consistently indicated hesitancy towards commitment despite initially expressing readiness for a long-term relationship when he and AD first connected in the pods.
Throughout the season, Clay's journey revealed layers of immaturity stemming from childhood wounds caused by generational trauma, along with a clear unpreparedness for a healthy relationship. His relationship with AD began on shaky ground when he hesitated to commit without knowing her appearance first.
@netflix.reality.clips Clay and AD in the pods #clayloveisblind #ADloveisblind #loveisblindseason6 #libs6 #dating show
Despite AD's initial surprise, she decided to give Clay a chance, continuing their relationship. However, this initial compromise led to recurring issues, such as Clay's insensitive comments about potential weight gain and his insistence that AD join a gym if she were to gain weight in the future.
Despite these challenges, Clay and AD left the pods engaged with a road ahead of them of ongoing struggles in the real world. Clay and AD's relationship seemed shallow, mainly revolving around superficial interactions reminiscent of casual social media banter. Clay's fixation on physical appearance and fear of commitment clashed with AD's idealized vision of their relationship, blinding her from facing the reality of who Clay truly was.
Clay often centered conversations around himself, indicating a deep need for validation, which AD eagerly provided. From my point of view, this mutual reinforcement bolstered Clay's ego while fulfilling AD's need for validation in return.
Throughout season 6, Clay grappled with committing to a single partner, influenced by his upbringing witnessing his father's multiple relationships and extramarital affairs. The absence of healthy marriage examples shaped his perception of relationships. Despite these challenges, AD remained steadfast in her support, demonstrating a willingness to confront and overcome obstacles with Clay, given her upbringing in a household where her father was absent, an attachment wound that she has gained awareness about in therapy.
In the season finale, AD's excitement turned to confusion when Clay unexpectedly responded with "I don't" after her "I do." Clay's decision wasn't about AD's worth but stemmed from his own lack of emotional maturity and focus on superficial traits like physical appearance and achievement.
@stephmoneymonster Justice for AD #loveisblind #loveisblindseason6 #fpy #viralvideo #foryoupage #single #dating
Despite Clay's repeated expressions of self-doubt throughout the season, AD was visibly taken aback, holding onto the hope that he would change. AD's desire to be with Clay overshadowed her ability to discern if he was the right guy for her. Throughout the season, she found herself caught up in a fantasy of who she wanted Clay to be and the idea of being married to him. Clay's repeated statements about how AD made him a better man and how he wanted to change for her likely boosted her ego.
Many of us can relate to AD's struggle; grappling with feelings of unworthiness due to childhood trauma and abandonment often traps us in cycles that reinforce our deepest fears.
At the altar, AD was left devastated, questioning her worthiness and desirability. However, it’s not that AD isn’t worthy; she’s just stuck in a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners, reminiscent of her father. Though she desires a different outcome, she finds herself unable to connect with a man who is emotionally present, reflecting her own emotional unavailability.
In our society, there's a common expectation for women to take on the role of nurturing and guiding men, often justified by the belief that “boys will be boys.” Like most women, AD frequently excuses Clay's behavior and does much of the emotional work in their relationship.
Deep down, AD likely felt the need to show unwavering support to Clay, hoping to secure his commitment by accommodating his flaws. For AD, love has become synonymous with earning someone's affection, a belief she reinforced by investing her heart in Clay, hoping to prove her worth to him. Yet, in doing so, she unwittingly perpetuated her own cycle of dysfunction.
AD's journey highlights the importance of being discerning in relationships, distinguishing between genuine compatibility, and settling for something less (the "right" from the "kinda sorta right"). Unfortunately, she lacked the tools to see Clay clearly, especially when dealing with her own attachment issues. Relying solely on physical attraction can be risky, as it often leads to repeating old patterns, with judgment clouded by the intensity of emotions.
Netflix Love Is Blind season 6 Clay and AD/ Screenshot
Engaging in inner work through therapy is undoubtedly a crucial step toward personal growth and healing, but it doesn’t fix us. It provides us with the opportunity to delve into our past traumas, confront deep-seated insecurities, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. However, despite the insights gained and the progress made within the therapeutic setting, applying this newfound self-awareness to real-life situations, especially in the realm of romantic relationships, can be challenging.
For someone like AD, the journey towards self-discovery is ongoing. I love the way Yung Pueblo puts it: “If the pain was deep, you will have to let it go many times.” While therapy equips her with valuable tools for introspection and self-reflection, it doesn't necessarily guarantee an immediate transformation in her dating behavior or decision-making process because she needs to grieve what she didn’t get from her father and create a new identity for herself.
One of the biggest reasons for this disparity between inner work and practical application lies in the complexity of human emotions and behavior.
Despite understanding the root causes of her attachment issues, AD found herself still drawn to partners who perpetuate these dynamics. This phenomenon often occurs because our emotional responses are deeply ingrained and may override rational thought processes, particularly when it pertains to matters of the heart.
'Love Is Blind' Season 6 Finale AD and Clay's Wedding/ Screenshot
Furthermore, the dynamics of therapy sessions differ vastly from real-life interactions and relationships. In therapy, individuals are in a controlled environment where they can explore their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. However, the unpredictability and vulnerability inherent in dating can trigger old wounds and defense mechanisms, making it challenging to maintain the same level of self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Moreover, societal expectations and cultural norms can exert significant pressure on individuals like AD, influencing their perceptions of what constitutes a successful relationship. The desire for validation, societal approval, or the fear of being alone may cloud judgment and lead to compromising on core values or overlooking red flags.
So, how can we bridge the gap between inner work and practical application in our own dating lives?
Firstly, it's essential to acknowledge that growth is a gradual process and setbacks are inevitable. Instead of expecting instant results, we can practice self-compassion and patience while holding ourselves accountable.
Additionally, we can also work on slowing down, setting boundaries, and practicing assertiveness in our interactions with potential partners. Start getting to know people from the inside out. Not just by what they say but by what they do. These two things should always walk hand in hand.
By clearly communicating our needs and values and slowing down on physical intimacy, we can better discern whether a relationship aligns with our values.
Furthermore, seeking support from wise counsel (trusted friends and family), mentors, or even continuing therapy BEFORE things get too serious can provide us with additional perspectives and guidance as we navigate the dating landscape. Having a support network can offer reassurance and validation while also providing accountability in making healthy choices.
Lastly, by staying attuned to our emotions and paying attention to what our intuition is saying, we can make more informed decisions and avoid falling into familiar traps.
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Feature image Netflix Love Is Blind Season 6/ Screenshot