Feminine hygiene is an interesting topic. The main reason why I say that is because some people can’t actually agree on what it is. While some say that it strictly has to do with what’s going on with our vagina (and vulva) when we’re on our cycle, others say that it has to do with “all things considered” as it relates to cleanliness — and to a certain degree health — down below.
To keep everyone as happy as possible (this time…LOL), I decided to share some tips that will “scratch the itch” on both sides of the fence by providing some all-natural ways to take care of “her” by way of going the essential oils route.
For the record, these aren’t oils that I’ve merely read about before. These are the ones that I’ve tried out myself and can personally vouch for. Ones that, so long as you dilute them first (a few drops of an oil in eight ounces of distilled water can make it a great vaginal wash or spray) and take the “less is more” (along with the, if your symptoms don’t go away, please see your doctor as soon as possible) approach, you can end up feeling really good and super fresh on a monthly basis. Ready?
1. Oregano Oil for Vaginal Odor
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If you’re looking for the kind of oil that is powerful when it comes to the antioxidants that are in it as well as its anti-inflammatory properties, oregano oil is that one. Some people use it to improve their gut health. Others rely on it to lower their cholesterol levels. Word on the street is it can also aid in helping to shed some pounds.
What makes it ideal when it comes to vaginal health is, not only does it contain potential antibacterial compounds that can help to heal a yeast infection, it can help to get rid of vaginal odor too.
2. Rose Oil Reduces Vaginal Inflammation
Let me tell it, everyone should have at least one bottle of rose oil in their house. There are plenty of science-based studies to back the fact that it’s great when it comes to treating symptoms that are related to depression and anxiety, sexual dysfunction, and stress. Rose oil is also awesome when it comes to reducing pain — this includes any that is period-related.
However, because it’s also an oil that is loaded with antibacterial and antifungal properties, if the blood and/or discharge that you’re dealing with due to your cycle is irritating your vulva (the skin outside of your vagina), rose oil can help to soothe the irritation and inflammation (especially if you’re someone who mostly wears pads).
3. Emu Oil to Soothe Vulvar Skin
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Speaking of oils that soothe — emu oil is another gem. From a beauty standpoint, it will help to deeply hydrate your skin, slow down the signs of aging (because Black CAN crack if you’re not careful), decrease the appearance of acne scars, and lighten age spots. If you’re a new mom, another bonus when it comes to this particular oil is it can make your nipples feel less irritated if you happen to be breastfeeding.
As far as your vulvar skin goes, emu oil provides the same benefits to it that it does to the rest of your body — and since moisturized skin is less irritated, it definitely gives a calming effect. Also, since it helps to stimulate collagen production in your system, it can help your vulvar skin to also appear plumper and more youthful-looking over time.
4. Clove Oil Decreases Period-Related Discomfort
I’m gonna tell you right here and right now that if you have a toothache, run out and get some clove oil. It will help to deaden the pain almost immediately. Aside from that, the properties of clove are associated with relieving respiratory conditions, bringing relief to skin that suffers from chronic itching and it can help to decrease muscular pain.
And since your uterus is a muscular organ that contracts in order to shed its lining when you’re on your cycle, that’s why it can be beneficial for you when you’ve got cramps and abdominal discomfort. Simply mix a few drops with your favorite carrier oil, warm it up for a few seconds in the microwave, and then give the lower part of your tummy a nice massage with the oil. You should feel your cramps easing up within 20 minutes or so.
5. Frankincense Oil Stimulates Blood Flow to Reproductive Organs
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This essential oil is bomb on a few different levels. It helps to reduce stress. It can put you in a better mood. Its powerful astringent properties are great at killing fungi and bacteria. It helps to fade stretch marks and surgery scars. It can also help you to get a good night’s rest thanks to its ability to open up your nasal passages and regulate your body temperature.
When you’re on your period, your body will adore it because not only can it help to balance out your hormone levels, but it also increases blood flow to your reproductive organs which can assist with shortening the time of your cycle and make your cramps less intense until your period ends.
6. Rosemary Oil for Vaginal Infections
My skin adores some rosemary oil. Ever since I’ve been applying it to my skin at night, it has evened out my complexion, helped to keep period pimples at bay, and given me a natural glow. It’s also been a reliable oil when it comes to sealing the ends of my hair. In fact, it has a pretty solid reputation for helping to restore hair loss if you're consistent with using it.
If it seems like clockwork that you end up experiencing some sort of vaginal infection when you’re on or right after you come off of your cycle, that’s because it could be causing an imbalance of the yeast and bacteria that’s naturally inside of your vagina during that time of the month. The anti-inflammatory and antibacterial properties in the oil can help to heal these kinds of vaginal infections. Not only that but some studies say that rosemary oil can speed up the healing process of trichomoniasis too (speak with your doctor about that one, though).
7. Lavender Oil for Bacterial Infections
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From an aromatherapy standpoint, lavender oil is one of the most popular ones when it comes to reducing anxiety and stress, promoting relaxation, and helping you to get a better night’s rest. Something else that might surprise you is there are studies to support that it can help to decrease symptoms that are associated with diabetes, plus it can help to soothe the discomfort that’s associated with having a headache.
Since it’s also a strong antifungal type of oil, you can also use lavender to help treat bacterial infections. When it’s a top ingredient in a homemade vaginal wash, it can help to get rid of the discharge that’s associated with common bacterial infections.
8. Tea Tree Oil for Yeast Infections
If you want a zit to go away, pretty much overnight, something that will do it is tea tree oil. What I especially like about it is the fact that although it’s potent as hell, it doesn’t dry out my skin (when I use it as a spot treatment) while it’s working. Some other benefits that come with it include the fact that its super potent (and I’m not exaggerating here) antibacterial, antifungal, and antioxidant properties also make it top-notch when it comes to being a reliable ingredient for all-natural sanitizer, DIY deodorant, and getting rid of nail fungus.
It's alsothat one when it comes to treating yeast infections. That’s because its antimicrobial and antifungal properties help to prevent the overgrowth of yeast as well as bring relief when it comes to incessant itching and irritated vaginal and vulvar skin.
9. Thyme Oil Helps to Heal Candida Vaginitis
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If you’re someone who likes to cook with fresh thyme, good for you because, whether you realize it or not, you’re doing some great things for your body. Due to the potent antifungal, anti-inflammatory, and antibacterial properties that are in thyme, it’s great at fighting breakouts, suppressing coughs, and helping your food last for longer periods of time. Since thyme is also high in vitamins A and C as well as copper, iron, and manganese, it’s a good idea to consume it if you’re looking to boost your immune system.
However, what trips me out the most about thyme/thyme oil is there is scientific intel to support that if you combine it with garlic, it’s just as effective as clotrimazole vaginal cream at treating candida vaginitis (vaginal irritation that has an overgrowth of candida in it). How freakin’ impressive is that?
10. Peppermint Oil Is a Vaginal pH Balancer
Let’s wrap this all up with peppermint oil. The menthol in this oil makes it a super bomb oil for treating bad breath. However, it’s also oftentimes used to speed up the healing process of the common cold, nausea, and migraine-related discomfort. Your scalp will also like peppermint because it can reduce itchiness and increase blood flow to your hair follicles which can increase hair growth. Plus, if you like to work out, it can soothe joint and muscle-related pain.
As far as your vagina goes, since peppermint oil acts as a powerful fungicide, it can keep your vagina at its proper pH balance (check out “Sis, This Is How To Keep Your Vagina's pH Balanced”); that’s because it kills harmful bacteria that can throw it off. It’s also an oil that can keep vaginal odor under control whether it’s during your cycle or not.
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There you have it — 10 essential oils that are great for when you’re on your cycle or if you want to keep common vaginal issues under control without the need for (a lot of) medication. Just make sure that you use it externally unless you run it by your physician first. Douching, even when it’s with an essential oil, can still do more harm than good, more times than not, because it can throw your vagina’s pH balance off — and that can cause all hell to break loose.
Also, make sure that you go with a reputable brand of essential oil (check out a list of them via The Sprucehere). Believe you me, a lot of people give essential oils the side-eye, thinking that they’re not effective when really they just purchased a cheap (including cheap quality) brand.
Beyond all of this, ENJOY! Again, I can personally vouch for all of these and my vagina and vulvar have only been at (more) peace because of ‘em.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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