These Common Habits Are Actually BAD For Your Vagina
If you pay really close attention to the comment section on this site, you'll notice that EIC Necole Kane will pop up from time to time. One of the last times that I personally saw her was when she was talking about how it tickles her—"tickle" is my word, not hers—how much we all like to talk about our vaginas. I think what tickles me is how many of our readers are like, "Hell yeah! We've all got one, sooo…whatcha got for us about 'em today, y'all?"
This week? It's all about habits. Not good habits—such as not douching and making sure to take a probiotic in order to prevent bacterial and fungal vaginal infections. Nah, I'm going to tackle some bad vaginal habits. Here's the catch, though. I'm willing to bet half of what I'll get paid for this piece that most of us are guilty of four-or-more of these. It's mostly because they're not the kind of things that we think about, let alone talk about, as much as we probably should. But hey, there's no time like the present.
So, before you do anything else to your va-jay-jay today, skim this over. Should you recognize yourself in any of the things on this list, it's time to make some changes. For the sake of your vagina's comfort and your health overall.
1. Vaginal Steaming
I'll be honest. Although I know that vaginal steaming is all the rage for a lot of folks, it's never been something that particularly interested me; especially with real-life stories like the woman who ended up with second-degree burns from doing it. While some women profess that it helps with menstrual cramps and can remove weird-smelling discharge, many medical professionals claim that there is no real proof that it works; not only that, but what they do say is vaginal steaming could be dangerous and totally counterproductive. Not just because of the potential for burns, but because the herbs and water combo could throw off your natural pH balance and lead to some sort of an infection.
I think the best way to put it is via the health site Healthline: "your vagina isn't meant to be steam-cleaned". It can't be said enough, how self-cleaning your vagina is. So, if you're doing some sort of vaginal steaming in order to "help your vagina along", it doesn't need it. Mother Nature has totally taken care of that.
2. Peeing Prior to Sex
If you want to reduce the risk of being diagnosed with a UTI, make sure that you urinate after not before doing-the-do. According to medical professionals, when we pee prior to coitus, it weakens our urine steam, making it harder to push bacteria out. Since bacteria basically has little hooks that like to attach to the lining of our vaginas (pretty gross, I know), the stronger our urine steam, the better. And it's stronger once we've climaxed, not before.
3. Ignoring Your Vagina’s pH Balance
A healthy vagina has an acidic balance of somewhere between 3.5-4.5. When that "count" is off, problems (like infections) ensue. That's why it's a good idea to be as proactive as possible when it comes to properly maintaining your pH.
You can do this by using a menstrual cup or disc because the silicone that it's made out of doesn't irritate your vagina; plus, cups and discs simply collect the blood without irritating your vaginal walls and lining (menstrual blood that flows into a tampon or out onto a pad can definitely throw your natural acidic balance off). You can also mess with your pH by having unprotected sex (semen's pH is 7.1 – 8, so a new partner can definitely disrupt what's going on down there) and/or using scented body products.
4. Washing with the Bougie Stuff
It really can't be said enough, y'all. Your vagina is self-cleaning. IT DOES NOT NEED YOUR HELP TO STAY CLEAN. If you ignore this and try to prove otherwise, all of that perfume-smelling stuff can also result in your vagina not feeling like its normal self.
Now, if you want to make your vulva feel fresher, something that I use is Pangea Wash; it's 100 percent natural and I've got absolutely no regrets. Or, you can go with one of the DIY washes that I wrote about a while back. But honestly, if you only used water down there, for the most part, you should be good.
It should go on record that if you're trying to find something that will mask an odor, that's a sign that you should go to the doctor not pile on some Summer's Eve. Although it's normal to have a bit of a natural scent, if it's super strong or offensive, that's a red flag that something is definitely up.
5. Not Drying “Her” After Showering
The skin on your vulva (which is the outer part of your vagina) is pretty fragile, so no one is saying to get out a towel and go to town with it. But if you're someone who tends to hop out of the shower and not at least pat "her" dry, you're leaving a lot of moisture down in your nether regions that can easily turn into a breeding ground for all kinds of bacteria and germs. So yeah, dry her off. It's a little thing that can mean a lot in the days and weeks ahead.
6. Sleeping in Your Underwear
Hopefully, you already know that cotton (preferably organic cotton) really is the best thing for your vagina, as far as panties go. The reason why is because it's a fabric that gives your girl the ability to breathe. At the same token, whenever you wear lingerie-friendly fabrics like satin or nylon, because they are moisture-wicking and absorbent, moisture can collect and that can trigger infections down there too.
That said, even cotton panties need to be taken off sometimes; preferably at night. By going commando while you sleep, your vagina can "air out" and that can do wonders for its health and well-being.
7. Going the Cheap Toilet Paper Route
Is it just me or is even toilet paper getting mad expensive? Plus, you've gotta buy it in bigger bulks now (le sigh). I'm irritated but I've adjusted because Quilted Northern Ultra Plush is my jam! After checking out a list of the best toilet papers of 2019, it appears I am not alone.
And why does toilet paper matter when it comes to your vagina? It's because that cheap one-ply stuff can actually irritate it. So, if you want to pamper your vagina, just a bit, splurge and spend $5-7. You go to the bathroom every day, several times a day; it's worth it.
8. Using Dull Razors
If you're someone who uses a razor to keep everything nice and neat down there, here are some things to keep in mind. One, swap out razors every two weeks; that way, you won't end up using a dull blade that could cause irritation or spread bacteria. Two, exfoliate the area you want to shave first so that the hair will be easier to remove. Three, consider going with a male razor; the kind that they use on their face. The blades will give you a closer cut, plus they'll be gentler on your skin so that you won't get ingrown hairs and razor bumps.
9. Not Washing Your Undies Properly
This is one that a lot of us fail at—washing our panties right. If you're thinking, "How do you wash them wrong?", I'm soooo glad that you asked that. It's actually a good idea to wash them by hand with a gentle unscented fabric detergent. But if your schedule is super hectic and it's best to toss them into the washing machine, please remember these five things—sanitize your washing machine on a monthly basis (germs and bacteria do tend to store up in there); if you live with someone who is currently under the weather, wash your undies in a separate load (germs can spread that way as well); if you've currently got bacterial vaginosis, wash those panties separately from everything else (even your other underwear); tumble dry your undies on low for about 30 minutes (that helps to remove any remain bacteria), and budget to get some new ones around every six months or so. Even the best drawers aren't designed to last forever.
10. Foreplay Being Too Short
OK, so after reading my fair share of articles on foreplay (and then doing some unofficial polling of people that I know), the general consensus is women would like to have around 15 minutes of it before intercourse is even up for discussion. Whether you just read that and thought it was way too long or way too short, the main thing to keep in mind is this—if you aren't wet enough down there, wait before penetration to get to that point. There is nothing more uncomfortable than intercourse when you're dry. Plus, the more "lubed up" you are, the less friction and irritation your vagina will have to go through.
11. Eating the Wrong Foods
Your vagina will tell on you if you're not eating the right foods. How will it do that? For starters, yeast thrives off of sugar, processed foods and cheese, so if you're eating a ton of these, you're practically begging to get a yeast infection. Fried food isn't the best either because its fat content can alter your pH balance and increase the risk of you being diagnosed with bacterial vaginosis.
And while caffeine and alcohol aren't "wrong" per se, they along with onion, garlic, spices, red meat and asparagus, can affect the smell of your vagina. Something to keep in mind if you're planning a romantic dinner for you and your partner in the near future.
12. Staying in Workout Clothes Too Long
If you and your workout buddies like to get a smoothie or a salad right after leaving the gym, please make sure that you shower and change first. Workout clothing like yoga pants aren't made out of the most "breathable" fabric and when you're all hot and sweaty, the natural yeast and bacteria that's in your vagina can start to thrive and multiply.
Not to say that it's an automatic that staying in your exercise gear will make things itchy and irritable for you, but if you want to significantly decrease your chances of that happening, getting out of those wet clothes, taking a shower and then putting on some cotton drawers and something that isn't super tight below will help to make that happen.
13. Not Cleaning Sex Toys
Guess how many people own a sex toy of some sort? Drum roll…three out of four people reportedly own a dildo (the next favorite toy among Americans is a vibrator). That's certainly enough individuals to make this worth mentioning.
If you use a sex toy, you've got some sort of infection and you don't wash it before your next use, it is possible that the microorganisms will linger and you could reintroduce yourself to the infection all over again (same goes for your partner). That's why it's imperative that you wash them, thoroughly, after each and every use. Not just underneath a faucet of tepid water either. Self broke down how you can do it properly here.
14. Wearing Pantyliners Too Much
If you have a heavy amount of discharge (by the way, it's only "abnormal" if the texture, amount or smell is different from what you are used to) and you wear pantyliners to "protect" your panties, that's cool (a list of the most popular right now is here and a list of organic ones is here). But if you wear them for more than 10 hours, they can also trap in moisture that can result in an infection. So, as a rule of thumb, when you get home and take off your bra, try and make it a point to remove your pantyliner too. Your vagina needs the break.
15. Being Unprotected
Remember how I mentioned earlier that it's important to have protected sex? Yes, to protect yourself from STDs and an unplanned pregnancy but again, semen can throw your pH balance way off. If you don't want to risk that, condoms are your best bet.
It's not like condoms are anyone's favorite thing in the world, but technology is getting better by the day. Vegan condoms are an actual thing. Or, if you want to check out a pretty comprehensive list based on size and personal preference, there's one here and here.
16. Diagnosing Vaginal Health Issues via Google (or Any Search Engine)
I have a natural fungal sensitivity. This means that if I'm not careful, tinea versicolor will pop up and so will a yeast infection. Before I had experienced either one of these before, when some "abnormal" symptoms started to appear, the researcher in me was like, "No problem. I'll just Google what's going on." Although once I did go to the doctor, my diagnosis was correct, the way I went about treating both issues was all wrong.
Your health is important. In many ways, it's pretty fragile too. See your medical professional for an annual check-up and, if something isn't right, including when it comes to your vagina, let them tell you what's up and what you should do about it. Otherwise, self-diagnosing could end up doing more harm than good in the long run. Trust me, I would know.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
15 Things I Bet You Didn't Know About Your Own Vagina
Keep Your Vagina Like A (Literal) Fountain Of Youth
Here Are Some Foods That Your Vagina's Been Craving
"What's In There?" An Owner's Manual For Your Vagina
Feature image by Giphy
Originally published September 4, 2019
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images