Ah, abstinence. If there is one topic that I can speak on, from very up close and personal experience, for years on end (le sigh), it would be this. And since I’ve actually noticed that more and more articles in cyberspace are talking about the fact that more and more people are practicing abstinence (for a myriad of reasons, chile) — I thought that this was a topic that might be of interest to some of you who may be considering it…but you aren’t sure what kind of price you will have to pay, as far as your vagina is concerned, in order to do it.
Now, before we get into all-a-dat, let me first say that a lot of what I’m about to share with you, you won’t notice until you decide to return to having sex. This is important to keep in mind because what I’m basically telling you is, while you’ve got your va-jay-jay on ice, for the most part, nothing really noticeable happens — at least, not to her directly. When your period rolls around, things might get a little dicey…but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.
As far as the intro is concerned, as someone who’s had less bladder and yeast infections and less of a need to get pap smears (because when you’re not having sex, you don’t need them as often), in many ways, I think my vagina has been grateful to me for the sexually-related time off. Whenever I return, though, from what I’ve read, researched, and interviewed folks on…this is probably what I’ll have waiting for me. You too, chile. Ready?
What Happens To Your Vagina When You Stop Having Sex
1. Your Vagina Doesn’t Get As Tight As You Might Think
GiphyListen, not to ruffle any feathers or anything, yet I do find it pretty interesting that while so much of social media says that body count doesn’t matter, at the same time, vaginoplasty (a procedure that consists of tightening the vagina) and even hymenoplasty (a procedure that consists of creating a second hymen) are on the rise (chile). Anyway, if getting a tighter vagina is what you’re after, and you’re thinking that abstinence will do that for you, the answer is “yes” and “no.”
On one hand, your vagina is super resilient (which is why it can “bounce back” after you vaginally birth a child), and so, if you go some months or years without sex, it will tighten up somewhat; however, don’t rely on it to return to how things were before you were having sex (especially if you use a menstrual cup, large tampons or penetrative sex toys).
In some ways, this could be a good thing because, once you return to sex, although penetration might be a bit uncomfortable, it shouldn’t feel like the very first time you experienced coitus (unless you have lost some of your estrogen and progesterone levels which can affect the elasticity of your vaginal walls like when it comes to, say, menopause). And for most of us, that is a huge sigh of relief.
2. Your Vaginal Walls May Be a Bit Weaker
If you’re a woman who is returning to sex while you’re either on the tail end of perimenopause or during menopause, your vaginal walls may have become weaker. That’s because, as your body loses estrogen, it can create what is known as vaginal atrophy — and that can either make sex painful or it could irritate your vagina afterward.
Is there anything that you can do to avoid this? Ironically, remaining sexually active is one tip. However, if you exercise on a consistent basis, keep perfumed products outta there, and you drink a lot of water, all of this can help to keep your walls in a less fragile state as well.
3. Vaginal Lubrication Might Be Different
GiphyOne of the most telling signs that you’re sexually aroused is your body increases lubrication in your vaginal region. That’s because something known as your Bartholin glands are able to produce more fluid so that there is less friction during intercourse. If you don’t use them, while you won’t lose them, they can become a bit dormant, which means that they might need some time to get fully up and running (no pun intended) again — and that could take longer than the first couple of times that you return to sex.
Thankfully, there are lubricants on the market that you can use. Or, if you’d prefer to go the natural route, check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.” whenever you get a chance.
4. Vaginismus Might Become an Issue
If you’ve ever had a charley horse before, long story short, that’s what vaginismus is all about: feeling like you have a charley in your vagina. LISTEN. And how in the world does that happen? Well, if your vagina is used to having nothing up in it and then something like some fingers or a penis enter in, that could create involuntary muscle spasms that range from mildly uncomfortable to hella painful.
Is there any way that you can “pregame” to avoid this from becoming an issue? Kegels can help because they are teaching your vagina how to contract and release again. However, if it’s an ongoing issue, you might want to book an appointment with a reputable licensed sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”); they can help you to see if what’s going on is physical or if there is some sort of stress or anxiety that’s triggering so much of the discomfort.
5. Your Menstrual Cramps May Intensify
GiphyOkay, this is something that you may notice during your seasons of celibacy: your menstrual cramps may go up a notch. Why? Well, one thing that orgasms are able to do is actually reduce the amount of period tension that your body may experience. So, if you’re not gettin’ any, I’m sure you can see how that could mean a more uncomfortable situation during that time of the month. Of course, some women use masturbation as their abstinence workaround. If you’re one of them, then this point may not apply to you. Understood.
6. When You Return to Sex, It’ll Be Easier to Get a Yeast Infection
Aight, so here’s something that you might not be prepared for. If you’ve been practicing celibacy, gone a while without sex, and you return to it, you could end up with one hell of a yeast infection (I know, right?). What’s worse is it could happen whether you use a condom or not. How is this even possible? Well, when you didn’t have anyone else all up in your stuff, your vagina’s pH got used to that.
Then, once you decide to bring someone else’s bodily fluids into the mix, that can throw your pH totally off, which can result in an overgrowth of bacteria in your va-jay-jay — and that can cause a yeast infection (even if your partner doesn’t have one at the time of sleeping with you). And why/how would a condom do the same thing? Well, if the brand that you use contains spermicide, which can oftentimes irritate your vagina, also throw off your pH, and welp — here comes the itching, irritation, and unwanted discharge, chile. SMDH.
If It’s After Menopause, Consider This Too
GiphyAnd what if you went through your season of abstinence during the 12 months when your period decided to stop completely? The main thing to stay on top of is getting your hormone levels checked because, when both your estrogen and progesterone levels are low, that can affect your holistic desire for sex — and that could end up gaslighting you if your mind is ready and yet…it’s still hard to get your heart and body to join in.
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If you just read all of this and thought, “Damn. Is abstinence even worth it then?” — if you’re doing it to reset your mind, break some cyclic ish, rediscover your own sexual and relational needs, better understand the purpose of sex, and/or spiritually evolve…then YES, it’s worth every single day that you do it. Articles like this are simply designed to not blindside you — because, when you don’t use your vagina, sexually, you should know that it could go through a few “umm, what is going on?” moments as it gets its muscle memory back. Kind of literally.
The good news is our vaginas are resilient AF. So, while it could take a bit of adjusting to get back into the groove of things, with some prepping and patience…it will. It absolutely will.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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