So, now that we’re already a few weeks into the new year (what is time…what is time, y’all?), tell me something: how are your resolutions going? If you’re already feeling a bit defeated because a few things have not gone as planned, go a little easy on yourself. Research continues to reveal that 80 percent of resolutions fail, in part because they are somewhat unrealistic to begin with.
Not so much when it comes to the goal; more like it’s rooted in the belief that something supernatural happens on January 1 when that couldn’t be further from the truth. In other words, today is just as good as any to resolve that you’re going to try something new, break a habit, or reach a particular goal.
Today is also a great time to resolve that you’re going to wake up each and every day and be proactive about taking care of your vaginal and vulvar health. Keeping all of this in mind, since resolution means “a formal expression of opinion or intention made,” how about you nix the “New Year’s” part and put “today,” every day, in front of the word instead? It’ll take the pressure off of you, and when it comes to this particular piece, your vagina (and vulva) will be oh-so grateful for the consistent follow-through of your intentions.
Starting with these 10 suggestions…
1. You Will Take a Probiotic
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Something that your vagina is full of is bacteria — some good and some not-so-good. When your vagina is healthy (for the most part, this means that when your pH balance is where it needs to be), you don’t even notice that there is a slight “war” going on to keep the bad bacteria from outweighing the good. However, when bad bacteria is more present, it can lead to infections like bacterial vaginosis.
A probiotic can help to serve you super well as far as preventing bad bacteria from getting out of line is concerned. That’s because it’s loaded with billions of good bacteria per serving. You can take it in the form of a supplement, kefir (which is basically yogurt 2.0), or other fermented foods, including pickles, cheese, kombucha, and the Japanese seasoning miso. I can always tell when I do take a probiotic and when I don’t, not just when it comes to my vaginal health but my gut health overall. Definitely a must-have when it comes to your overall health and well-being.
2. You Will Eat More Vitamin C-Enriched Foods
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Speaking of bacterial vaginosis, if a chronic case is something that you’re trying to conquer once and for all this year, get more vitamin C into your system. The reason why it’s so effective is it’s a type of nutrient that makes your vagina “too acidic” for bad bacteria to thrive in. And since vitamin C is also great at helping to stabilize your blood pressure, keeping chronic diseases at bay (in part by boosting your immune system), and helping your body to produce more collagen (which can help you to look younger, add hydration to your system and reduce joint discomfort) — you can never go wrong by consuming foods that are high in this particular nutrient. Some of them include citrus fruits, bell peppers, broccoli, kiwi, and kale.
3. You Will Consume Less Dairy and Sugar
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Sometimes ice cream really pisses me off. Not because it isn’t delicious; it’s because it contains two things that my vagina isn’t the biggest fan of: dairy and sugar. Dairy isn’t the best thing for vaginas because it contains properties that can actually prevent your mucosal lining from forming; when that happens, your vagina can become more vulnerable to infections. Plus, dairy can contain hormones in it that aren’t the best for your vaginal health either. And sugar? If you’re someone who has chronic yeast infections and you can’t seem to figure out why — if sugar is a consistent part of your diet, that’s more than likely a main culprit.
Sugar feeds off of yeast, and so, in order to fully heal from a yeast infection, your diet has to shift away from lots of sugar intake too. Plus, if you happen to be diabetic (or have high blood sugar quite a bit), that can restrict the blood flow to your genital region, which can result in a vaginal dryness. So…no ice cream? For now, let’s go with less of it.
4. You Will Purchase More Underwear
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Last year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “10 Women Told Me Why They Stopped Wearing Panties (And They Don't Regret It)." For me personally, sleeping naked is more than enough. If that is your testimony too, I do recommend that you know what kind of panties are best for your body (check out “These Are The Kinds Of Panties Your Vagina Actually Prefers”) and that you “swap them out” on a fairly consistent basis (meaning every six months or so). The cleaner your panties are, the less you will have to worry about vaginal irritation — on any level.
5. You Will Keep Your Undies Out of the Washing Machine
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If you’re someone who seems to have an irritated vulva (and vaginal opening), no matter what you do, a hack that I’ve been shifting into that you may want to try is washing all of your panties by hand instead of relying on the washing machine. The method behind the madness is washing machines contain their fair share of bacteria and fecal matter (which is why you should run white vinegar through a hot water cycle once a month), which can stay on your clothes and get onto you. And since your vulva is super sensitive, you want to make sure to keep it as clean as possible. One way to do that is to wash your undies by hand. It will take a bit more time; however, since it’s gentler on your fabrics and better for your skin, it’s time well spent.
6. You Will Ramp Up Your Vitamin D Intake
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If you’re anything like me, when you were growing up, you probably learned that vitamin D was good for maintaining bone health. And while that certainly is true, it’s also a nutrient that helps to prevent heart disease, reduce depression-related symptoms, and it can even help you to lose weight.
As far as your vaginal health goes, it’s a winner in that department because vitamin D helps to reduce vaginal dryness, decrease vaginal discomfort that is oftentimes associated with menopause, and can help to prevent you from getting urinary tract infections (UTIs) as well. So, make sure to get plenty of sun and make sure that vitamin D is in your multivitamins, too.
7. You Will Clean Out Your Clitoral Hood
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If you ever want to read up on just how much your clitoris and a man’s penis has in common, check out Shape’s article, “The Surprising Anatomical Similarities Between Penises and Clitorises,” sometime. For the sake of time and space today, I’ll just say that I need all of the folks who think it’s cute to tease uncircumcised men to realize that their clitoral hood is also a type of foreskin — and just like men need to make sure to keep their foreskin clean, the same applies to our “hoods” too. In fact, back when I wrote the article, “7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood,” something that low-key freaked me out was reading about a woman who got so much gunk (including pubic hair) caught up in her hood, that she ended up having to get some of her hood removed (chile).
The moral here? About once a week, put some olive oil on a Q-Tip, gently pull back your clitoral hood, and swab the inner parts of it. That will prevent your own hairs and dried-up discharge, lubrication, etc., from lodging up in there and irritating it.
8. You Will Get (At Least) One Vagina Facial
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Although some health experts frown on vaginal facials (“vajacials” as some call them), if you’re someone who gets waxed down below, look into an esthetician who’s been trained in how to give them. It’s a special kind of pampering treatment that will prevent and/or remove ingrown hairs, exfoliate your vulvar skin (especially your pubic mound), soften your pubic hair, reduce hyperpigmentation, and help to keep that part of your body well hydrated too. The main things to keep in mind with vajacials are a professional needs to do them, “less is more” as far as the chemicals that they use, and 2-4 times a year is more than likely all that you will need.
9. You Will Apply Fennel Oil to Your Labia
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If you’ve got digestive issues, something that you might want to consider adding to your diet is fennel oil. The reason why I say that is it contains properties that are great at treating constipation, bloating, and gas. However, the reason why it made the “vagina resolutions list” is because it is packed with the kind of antioxidants and antimicrobial benefits that can help to soothe your labia if there is any type of minor irritation going on (like what you might experience on the day before or right after your cycle).
Plus, fennel is classified as being a phytoestrogen food; this means that it is a form of plant-based estrogen, which can do wonders for a woman who may be low in estrogen due to things like menopause. My two cents would be to mix 2-3 drops to a tablespoon of a vagina-sensitive carrier oil like carrot seed, hemp, or grapeseed and then apply it directly to your vulva (the outer layers of your vagina) or your abdomen — or both. Soothing-wise, you should notice almost immediate results.
10. You Will Use Condoms (More) Consistently
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I’m hoping that everyone knows at this point that when condoms are used correctly, they help to prevent pregnancy and STIs/STDs. However, if you’re someone who is sleeping with more than one person at a time or you’ve been abstinent for a while and are about to sleep with someone new, you also should use condoms for another reason — to prevent different or new semen/sperm from irritating your vagina. Although it’s not as common for women to have a semen allergy, what the change in fluid can do is alter your pH, and that can lead to an itchy or swollen vagina and vulva.
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See…these things aren’t hard to implement. Just make sure to remain consistent. If you resolve to follow through, your vagina (and vulva) will be in great shape — this year and every year that follows. Take care.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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