

You know how they say that the two things that are certain in life are death and taxes? Yeah, well, if you're a woman, another thing that is sure to head your way is menopause. It's that time of life (on average, it happens for women once they turn 51) when we have gone a full 12 months without a menstrual cycle (so long as there may not have been underlying health issues that could play a valid role). It comes as the direct result of your body not producing enough estrogen for your ovaries to release an egg every month. As a result, with menopause comes the inability to conceive a child.
The reality is that even before menopause transpires, your body typically goes through stages of transition for somewhere between 7-10 years (although "official" perimenopause typically lasts for no more than four) beforehand. Your estrogen and progesterone levels tend to be on a serious roller coaster ride. Your menstrual cycle may be super irregular or spotty as all get out. You might experience hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, weight gain, a slower metabolism, headaches, thinning hair, dry skin, breasts that are less "perky" and a lower libido. It's a lot, I know. The reason why I'm mentioning all of this is because there is oftentimes a misconception that these things are menopause when the reality is these are what can happen as you're headed into menopause. It's oftentimes referred to as perimenopause. What happens to us after menopause happens—well, we're going to look into one thing specifically today.
If you're someone who either fears the thought of menopause or you've recently gone through it and you're freaking out a bit because your sex life doesn't seem to be quite like it used to, get yourself some bing cherries or a peach (more on why in a sec) and I'll share with you some facts that can make going through this very natural stage of life so much easier to bear.
1. A Change Is Definitely Gonna Come
Menopause is interesting in the sense that, unless you had one or both of your ovaries removed when you were very young, you will definitely experience menopause at some point in your life. That doesn't mean that you'll have to go through all of the symptoms that I shared that lead up to menopause (some women experience little to none of 'em); however, you should pretty much put yourself in the mindset that some sort of change will happen—even if it's just that fact that, eventually, your period will come to an end.
And since that is due to the fact that your body is producing less estrogen (along with less testosterone and progesterone) than it used to, it's important to prepare yourself that it could definitely affect your sex drive. This includes taking longer to be aroused; your clitoris not getting as erect (or erect as quickly) as it used to; your vagina being drier; your vaginal walls becoming thinner (we'll talk more about this in a bit) and you having a more difficult time experiencing an orgasm (if you experience one at all). This actually makes a lot of sense because most of us are our horniest during our ovulation period (when our body passes an egg and awaits a sperm to fertilize it). When eggs don't pass anymore, ovulation ceases and a spike in sexual desire can tank.
I know. What a depressing way to start off an article. Yet the reality is that when you know what could happen beforehand, you can actually prepare for it. And the less shocking things are, the less traumatized you'll be and the more you'll be able to accept all of this as a new season that requires a few adjustments. Let's keep going so that you can know what some of those adjustments entail.
2. A Dip in Estrogen Can Affect Your Libido During Menopause
The reality is that estrogen, progesterone and testosterone are all natural hormones that your body produces. When there are higher levels of them in your system, that directly increases vaginal lubrication and sexual desire overall. When there is a drop in any of these hormones or there is a hormonal imbalance, all of the things that I mentioned in the intro can transpire. That's the bad news. The good news is there's estrogen therapy that is available. Your doctor may prescribe some estrogen pills, patches or even a topical cream, suppository or vaginal ring (you can read more about some of those options here).
Because I have a lot of natural health people in my space, something else that I'm aware of is wild yam extract or cream. It is an all-natural alternative to traditional estrogen therapy. Some women sing highly of its praises. If you want to avoid the potential side effects of what can sometimes come with estrogen therapy, it's at least worth looking into. Red clover and flaxseed supplements can also be helpful, considering they are phytoestrogens which is a form of estrogen. Whatever you decide to do, just remember that less estrogen tends to equal a lower desire for sex, so when menopause happens, more estrogen should be added to balance everything back out as much as possible.
3. You May Experience Some Discomfort (or Pain)
Something that a dip in estrogen can do is actually cause your vaginal tissues to become thinner and sometimes inflamed. The cause of this is the result of something known as vaginal atrophy (which can happen during menopause, breastfeeding, a partial hysterectomy or if you're undergoing cancer treatments). Along with it, other symptoms include vaginal dryness, vaginal burning, frequent urination, an uptick in UTIs (urinary tract infections), shortening and tightening of your vaginal canal, and discomfort or even pain during intercourse. If any of this becomes an issue for you, make an appointment to see your doctor so that you can be properly diagnosed and treated. Sometimes estrogen treatments or bringing lubrication into the bedroom can nip a lot of this right in the bud. And speaking of lube, the next point.
4. Getting Wet Can Be More of a Challenge in Menopause
Remember how I just stated that vaginal atrophy can lead to vaginal dryness? Sex when you're not wet (enough) definitely doesn't feel good which is why, when you're going through the transition of menopause, lubrication should become one of your best friends. Also, make sure that you're getting plenty of water (being dehydrated can affect things down below too) and that you eat foods that are known to keep your body moisturized (check out "These Foods Will Give Your Skin & Hair The Moisture They Crave"). Oh, and you might want to keep some Vitamin E oil close by. Not only can breaking open a capsule help to lubricate your vulva but it can also soothe your vaginal lining without irritating it as well. There's another thing that can help you to get wetter. It's the best thing you've probably read thus far.
5. Foreplay Will Probably Need to Be Extended
I've shared in other sex-related articles on this platform before that while it takes men somewhere around five minutes to climax, it typically takes us more like 25. Foreplay is what helps us to become sexually aroused and, once menopause happens, you'll probably need extended sessions of it. Kissing. Fondling. Some of us actually consider oral sex to be foreplay (kinda like the appetizer before the full course meal). Bringing in exercises such as orgasmic meditation as a build-up to mindful orgasms can be super helpful too.
Really, when you stop to think about it, needing more time for foreplay in order to get aroused isn't just about menopause. When you were in your 20s, the "jackrabbit sex" that a lot of us engaged in isn't appealing after 35 or so anyway. You want more time to enjoy your partner, to get all five of your senses (touch, sight, taste, smell, and hearing) involved in the experience as much as possible and to simply relax and go with the flow (pun intended and not intended at the same time). Hmph. I once had a wife tell me that she needed to use her own spit to make herself wet before sex (what in the world?!) and it had nothing to do with menopause or an underlying health issue. Her husband was just selfish AF in bed. They're divorced now.
Hopefully, as we mature, we become better lovers because we know that it's about more than just "getting to the end". If anything, menopause is a glaring reminder of this very fact. More foreplay is a good—and beneficial—thing. Get into it.
6. You’ll Need to Make Some Minor Bedroom Adjustments
Probably one of the most common symptoms that you hear about when the topic of menopause comes up is hot flashes (for the record, other things that lead to them like diabetes, birth control, an underactive thyroid, radiation therapy, pregnancy and stress). The reason behind it is, when estrogen tanks, it makes your body become way more sensitive to the shifts in body temperature (our hypothalamus) than it used to be. And here's the thing—while hot flashes are the most common (and intense) as you head into menopause, they can sometimes last well into your 80s (crazy, right?).
I don't know about y'all, but I hate a hot bedroom and shoot, while you're having sex (if it's good sex), there's a pretty good chance that it's gonna get you all hot 'n bothered, literally, on its own. You can't really control when a hot flash comes along, which is why I recommend making some bedroom adjustments once menopause happens. Turn down your thermostat to around 65 degrees. Install a ceiling fan, if you don't have one. Keep some cool water nearby. Limit how much alcohol you drink if sex is in the plans that day (because alcohol is something else that can bring along a hot flash; caffeine can too). Go with some organic cotton bedding (it's a "breathable" fabric) and sleep naked as much as you can. Sometimes the urge is there but things like a hot flash can still make you take a hard pass. Being ready for when one comes along could be another "hack" that can make sex way more pleasant for you.
7. There Are Natural Ways to Balance Your Hormones During Menopause
Menopause will definitely have your hormones going all over the place. Again, since your ovaries produce less estrogen (and progesterone), it not only takes a toll on your sex drive, it can cause you not to feel as great as you normally do. For instance, it's not uncommon for low estrogen levels to lead to depression-related symptoms and for low progesterone to lead to anxiety and migraines. Who wants to have sex when any of this is going on? That's why it's also a good idea to put your body on a regimen that can help to balance your hormone levels out naturally.
Things like reducing your sugar intake; exercises 2-3 times (for 30-45 minutes) a week; reducing your stress levels; consuming more protein; eating natural estrogen-boosting foods like bing cherries, peaches, sesame seeds, garlic, wholegrain bread, alfalfa sprouts, carrots, apples and coffee; taking an evening primrose oil supplement; taking a Vitamin B and C supplement and eating foods that are high in Vitamin E such as sunflower seeds, almonds, spinach, collard greens, red bell peppers and wheat germ oil—all of this will help to balance your hormones so that you'll feel more like your "old" self and more in the mood for sex.
8. Pay Close Attention to Your Mental and Emotional Well-Being
As a doula, something that I recommend my clients do is see a therapist/counselor/life coach at some point during their first year of being a new mom. The main reason why is because, no matter how awesome the season of being a new mommy can be, there is still some grieving that must happen and some processing that needs to work out as you release a lot of "what was" for "what is". Because the reality is, a baby changes a lot of things; sometimes you need help knowing how to work through your emotions about that.
In many ways, the same point applies to menopause. As a woman in my 40s who still has a period like clockwork (chile) and has made peace about not conceiving children, there is a part of me that absolutely cannot wait to retire this menstrual cup of mine. At the same time, I know it's also one thing to choose to not have kids; it's another to not be able to anymore.
Menopause is a common thing that is nothing to be embarrassed about, ashamed of or even uncomfortable with. Still, it's a big enough life shift that I suggest paying very close attention to how you are feeling mentally and emotionally too. See a professional. Talk to your girlfriends who may have already experienced this life phase. Be open with your partner about your feelings and concerns. While a lot of physical things can alter sex after menopause, the reality is that a lot of psychological stuff tends to go far too overlooked too.
9. Men Go Through Something Known As Andropause
Don't let the media (or the men in your life) fool you. While we're over here going through menopause, men have their own shift that's going on. It's called andropause. It's the time in a man's life (usually around 50) when their testosterone levels significantly drop. As a result, it can lead to fatigue, sadness, insomnia, increased body fat, decreased bone density, less muscle mass, less body hair, hot flashes (yes, chile)—and erectile dysfunction and a low(er) libido. If you suspect that the man in your life may be going through "the change", the best way to confirm it is for him to have a blood test in order to check his testosterone levels. Sometimes, simple things like altering his diet, getting more exercise, getting more sleep and eating testosterone-boosting foods such as tuna, beef, egg yolks, beans and fortified cereals are all that he will need. Other times, testosterone therapy may literally be just what the doctor orders.
10. Your Sex Life Can Still Be Great During Menopause
Yeah, this was a lot to take in. Believe me, I know. Yet let's make sure to end this on a really positive note. Fairly recently, I laughed as I read some social media comments (a lot of folks were haters, to be honest) about actor Suzanne Somers talking about how much she and her hubby get it in, to this day. At 74, she said it's "three times before noon" (good for you, girl!).
Now before you think she's embellishing or that's close to being ridiculous, it's been reported that two-thirds of people over 65 are still extremely interested in sex; 40 percent of people between 65-80 are still sexually active; half between 57-75 still give and/or receive oral sex (one-third between 75-85 do), and 25 percent over the age of 70 are having sex at least once a week.
Moral of the story: Aging is a part of life and, for women, menopause is sure. Neither has to be a death sentence for your libido or your sex life, though. 50s ain't old and, as you can see, folks close to their 90s are still thriving in the bedroom. At the end of the day, there's nothing to fear about menopause. Just learn more about what comes with it, factor in what you personally need to do and you should be all good. Literally. #wink
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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