Sex And Menopause. What You Should Know.

Sooner or later, menopause is coming. When it comes to your sex life, here's how to deal.

Women's Health

You know how they say that the two things that are certain in life are death and taxes? Yeah, well, if you're a woman, another thing that is sure to head your way is menopause. It's that time of life (on average, it happens for women once they turn 51) when we have gone a full 12 months without a menstrual cycle (so long as there may not have been underlying health issues that could play a valid role). It comes as the direct result of your body not producing enough estrogen for your ovaries to release an egg every month. As a result, with menopause comes the inability to conceive a child.

The reality is that even before menopause transpires, your body typically goes through stages of transition for somewhere between 7-10 years (although "official" perimenopause typically lasts for no more than four) beforehand. Your estrogen and progesterone levels tend to be on a serious roller coaster ride. Your menstrual cycle may be super irregular or spotty as all get out. You might experience hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, weight gain, a slower metabolism, headaches, thinning hair, dry skin, breasts that are less "perky" and a lower libido. It's a lot, I know. The reason why I'm mentioning all of this is because there is oftentimes a misconception that these things are menopause when the reality is these are what can happen as you're headed into menopause. It's oftentimes referred to as perimenopause. What happens to us after menopause happens—well, we're going to look into one thing specifically today.

If you're someone who either fears the thought of menopause or you've recently gone through it and you're freaking out a bit because your sex life doesn't seem to be quite like it used to, get yourself some bing cherries or a peach (more on why in a sec) and I'll share with you some facts that can make going through this very natural stage of life so much easier to bear.

1. A Change Is Definitely Gonna Come


Menopause is interesting in the sense that, unless you had one or both of your ovaries removed when you were very young, you will definitely experience menopause at some point in your life. That doesn't mean that you'll have to go through all of the symptoms that I shared that lead up to menopause (some women experience little to none of 'em); however, you should pretty much put yourself in the mindset that some sort of change will happen—even if it's just that fact that, eventually, your period will come to an end.

And since that is due to the fact that your body is producing less estrogen (along with less testosterone and progesterone) than it used to, it's important to prepare yourself that it could definitely affect your sex drive. This includes taking longer to be aroused; your clitoris not getting as erect (or erect as quickly) as it used to; your vagina being drier; your vaginal walls becoming thinner (we'll talk more about this in a bit) and you having a more difficult time experiencing an orgasm (if you experience one at all). This actually makes a lot of sense because most of us are our horniest during our ovulation period (when our body passes an egg and awaits a sperm to fertilize it). When eggs don't pass anymore, ovulation ceases and a spike in sexual desire can tank.

I know. What a depressing way to start off an article. Yet the reality is that when you know what could happen beforehand, you can actually prepare for it. And the less shocking things are, the less traumatized you'll be and the more you'll be able to accept all of this as a new season that requires a few adjustments. Let's keep going so that you can know what some of those adjustments entail.

2. A Dip in Estrogen Can Affect Your Libido

The reality is that estrogen, progesterone and testosterone are all natural hormones that your body produces. When there are higher levels of them in your system, that directly increases vaginal lubrication and sexual desire overall. When there is a drop in any of these hormones or there is a hormonal imbalance, all of the things that I mentioned in the intro can transpire. That's the bad news. The good news is there's estrogen therapy that is available. Your doctor may prescribe some estrogen pills, patches or even a topical cream, suppository or vaginal ring (you can read more about some of those options here).

Because I have a lot of natural health people in my space, something else that I'm aware of is wild yam extract or cream. It is an all-natural alternative to traditional estrogen therapy. Some women sing highly of its praises. If you want to avoid the potential side effects of what can sometimes come with estrogen therapy, it's at least worth looking into. Red clover and flaxseed supplements can also be helpful, considering they are phytoestrogens which is a form of estrogen. Whatever you decide to do, just remember that less estrogen tends to equal a lower desire for sex, so when menopause happens, more estrogen should be added to balance everything back out as much as possible.

3. You May Experience Some Discomfort (or Pain)


Something that a dip in estrogen can do is actually cause your vaginal tissues to become thinner and sometimes inflamed. The cause of this is the result of something known as vaginal atrophy (which can happen during menopause, breastfeeding, a partial hysterectomy or if you're undergoing cancer treatments). Along with it, other symptoms include vaginal dryness, vaginal burning, frequent urination, an uptick in UTIs (urinary tract infections), shortening and tightening of your vaginal canal, and discomfort or even pain during intercourse. If any of this becomes an issue for you, make an appointment to see your doctor so that you can be properly diagnosed and treated. Sometimes estrogen treatments or bringing lubrication into the bedroom can nip a lot of this right in the bud. And speaking of lube, the next point.

4. Getting Wet Can Be More of a Challenge

Remember how I just stated that vaginal atrophy can lead to vaginal dryness? Sex when you're not wet (enough) definitely doesn't feel good which is why, when you're going through the transition of menopause, lubrication should become one of your best friends. Also, make sure that you're getting plenty of water (being dehydrated can affect things down below too) and that you eat foods that are known to keep your body moisturized (check out "These Foods Will Give Your Skin & Hair The Moisture They Crave"). Oh, and you might want to keep some Vitamin E oil close by. Not only can breaking open a capsule help to lubricate your vulva but it can also soothe your vaginal lining without irritating it as well. There's another thing that can help you to get wetter. It's the best thing you've probably read thus far.

5. Foreplay Will Probably Need to Be Extended


I've shared in other sex-related articles on this platform before that while it takes men somewhere around five minutes to climax, it typically takes us more like 25. Foreplay is what helps us to become sexually aroused and, once menopause happens, you'll probably need extended sessions of it. Kissing. Fondling. Some of us actually consider oral sex to be foreplay (kinda like the appetizer before the full course meal). Bringing in exercises such as orgasmic meditation as a build up to mindful orgasms can be super helpful too.

Really, when you stop to think about it, needing more time for foreplay in order to get aroused isn't just about menopause. When you were in your 20s, the "jackrabbit sex" that a lot of us engaged in isn't appealing after 35 or so anyway. You want more time to enjoy your partner, to get all five of your senses (touch, sight, taste, smell and hearing) involved in the experience as much as possible and to simply relax and go with the flow (pun intended and not intended at the same time). Hmph. I once had a wife tell me that she needed to use her own spit to make herself wet before sex (what in the world?!) and it had nothing to do with menopause or an underlying health issue. Her husband was just selfish AF in bed. They're divorced now.

Hopefully, as we mature, we become better lovers because we know that it's about more than just "getting to the end". If anything, menopause is a glaring reminder of this very fact. More foreplay is a good—and beneficial—thing. Get into it.

6. You’ll Need to Make Some Minor Bedroom Adjustments

Probably one of the most common symptoms that you hear about when the topic of menopause comes up is hot flashes (for the record, other things that lead to them like diabetes, birth control, an underactive thyroid, radiation therapy, pregnancy and stress). The reason behind it is, when estrogen tanks, it makes your body become way more sensitive to the shifts in body temperature (our hypothalamus) than it used to be. And here's the thing—while hot flashes are the most common (and intense) as you head into menopause, they can sometimes last well into your 80s (crazy, right?).

I don't know about y'all, but I hate a hot bedroom and shoot, while you're having sex (if it's good sex), there's a pretty good chance that it's gonna get you all hot 'n bothered, literally, on its own. You can't really control when a hot flash comes along, which is why I recommend making some bedroom adjustments once menopause happens. Turn down your thermostat to around 65 degrees. Install a ceiling fan, if you don't have one. Keep some cool water nearby. Limit how much alcohol you drink if sex is in the plans that day (because alcohol is something else that can bring along a hot flash; caffeine can too). Go with some organic cotton bedding (it's a "breathable" fabric) and sleep naked as much as you can. Sometimes the urge is there but things like a hot flash can still make you take a hard pass. Being ready for when one comes along could be another "hack" that can make sex way more pleasant for you.

7. There Are Natural Ways to Balance Your Hormones Out


Menopause will definitely have your hormones going all over the place. Again, since your ovaries produce less estrogen (and progesterone), it not only takes a toll on your sex drive, it can cause you not to feel as great as you normally do. For instance, it's not uncommon for low estrogen levels to lead to depression-related symptoms and for low progesterone to lead to anxiety and migraines. Who wants to have sex when any of this is going on? That's why it's also a good idea to put your body on a regimen that can help to balance your hormone levels out naturally.

Things like reducing your sugar intake; exercises 2-3 times (for 30-45 minutes) a week; reducing your stress levels; consuming more protein; eating natural estrogen-boosting foods like bing cherries, peaches, sesame seeds, garlic, wholegrain bread, alfalfa sprouts, carrots, apples and coffee; taking an evening primrose oil supplement; taking a Vitamin B and C supplement and eating foods that are high in Vitamin E such as sunflower seeds, almonds, spinach, collard greens, red bell peppers and wheat germ oil—all of this will help to balance your hormones so that you'll feel more like your "old" self and more in the mood for sex.

8. Pay Close Attention to Your Mental and Emotional Well-Being

As a doula, something that I recommend my clients do is see a therapist/counselor/life coach at some point during their first year of being a new mom. The main reason why is because, no matter how awesome the season of being a new mommy can be, there is still some grieving that must happen and some processing that needs to work out as you release a lot of "what was" for "what is". Because the reality is, a baby changes a lot of things; sometimes you need help knowing how to work through your emotions about that.

In many ways, the same point applies to menopause. As a woman in my 40s who still has a period like clockwork (chile) and has made peace about not conceiving children, there is a part of me that absolutely cannot wait to retire this menstrual cup of mine. At the same time, I know it's also one thing to choose to not have kids; it's another to not be able to anymore.

Menopause is a common thing that is nothing to be embarrassed about, ashamed of or even uncomfortable with. Still, it's a big enough life shift that I suggest paying very close attention to how you are feeling mentally and emotionally too. See a professional. Talk to your girlfriends who may have already experienced this life phase. Be open with your partner about your feelings and concerns. While a lot of physical things can alter sex after menopause, the reality is that a lot of psychological stuff tends to go far too overlooked too.

9. Men Go Through Something Known As Andropause


Don't let the media (or the men in your life) fool you. While we're over here going through menopause, men have their own shift that's going on. It's called andropause. It's the time in a man's life (usually around 50) when their testosterone levels significantly drop. As a result, it can lead to fatigue, sadness, insomnia, increased body fat, decreased bone density, less muscle mass, less body hair, hot flashes (yes, chile)—and erectile dysfunction and a low(er) libido. If you suspect that the man in your life may be going through "the change", the best way to confirm it is for him to have a blood test in order to check his testosterone levels. Sometimes, simple things like altering his diet, getting more exercise, getting more sleep and eating testosterone-boosting foods such as tuna, beef, egg yolks, beans and fortified cereals are all that he will need. Other times, testosterone therapy may literally be just what the doctor orders.

10. Your Sex Life Can Still Be on Fire

Yeah, this was a lot to take in. Believe me, I know. Yet let's make sure to end this on a really positive note. Fairly recently, I laughed as I read some social media comments (a lot of folks were haters, to be honest) about actor Suzanne Somers talking about how much she and her hubby get it in, to this day. At 74, she said it's "three times before noon" (good for you, girl!).

Now before you think she's embellishing or that's close to being ridiculous, it's been reported that two-thirds of people over 65 are still extremely interested in sex; 40 percent of people between 65-80 are still sexually active; half between 57-75 still give and/or receive oral sex (one-third between 75-85 do), and 25 percent over the age of 70 are having sex at least once a week.

Moral of the story: Aging is a part of life and, for women, menopause is sure. Neither has to be a death sentence for your libido or your sex life, though. 50s ain't old and, as you can see, folks close to their 90s are still thriving in the bedroom. At the end of the day, there's nothing to fear about menopause. Just learn more about what comes with it, factor in what you personally need to do and you should be all good. Literally. #wink

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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When Ngozi Opara Sea started Heatfree Hair almost a decade ago, curly and kinky extensions weren't the norm on the market as they seem to be today, especially if you wanted those textures in quality human hair. Beauty supply stores mainly sold synthetic curly hair, and there was a surge of renewal for women who were just beginning to embrace natural styles, taking to YouTube to experiment with new techniques and styles.

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No one is excited about paying taxes, but for the most part, they're unavoidable for the working woman. Yet, not everyone has to pay quarterly taxes. You may have to get acquainted with quarterly taxes depending on how you earn money and who signs your paychecks. Not only is it essential to know if you should pay quarterly tax payments, but you need to know what your tax liability is and the deadline to submit your taxes — unless you want the IRS visiting.

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As a Black woman slaying in business, you're more than likely focused on the bottom line: Serving your customers and making sure the bag doesn't stop coming in. Well, there's obviously more to running a business than just making boss moves, but as the CEO or founder, you might not have the time, energy, or resources to fill in the blanks.

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In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.

It was a cold winter night in Chicago, more than a year ago. Your girl was scrolling through the fifty-eleven million options on Netflix to find something interesting to watch. I spotted this new show, The Circle, and have not looked away since. Produced by Studio Lambert and Motion Content Group, it premiered in January 2020 and has become my new favorite type of game show. Hosted by Michelle Buteau, The Circle is about contestants who are isolated in their own apartments and can only communicate with others via an online social media platform.

On season 2 of The Circle, the world fell in love with DeLeesa, the contestant who would eventually be crowned winner of the cash prize. She won the game by playing as a single dad named Trevor, who is actually her husband. As a true fan of the series, I figured it was only right to sit down with DeLeesa and Trevor to get the deets on how marriage has been for them IRL. So, let me take y'all back into time real quick, to the beginning of their love story.

It was 2007, and DeLeesa was starting her first day of school as a college freshman. She was getting adjusted to her new dorm and was introduced to her new resident assistant, *drum roll please* Trevor St. Agathe. They quickly became friends and Trevor helped DeLeesa find different activities around campus. After a year, they decided to take things to the next level.

Now, 14 years and two beautiful children later, the married couple have been focusing on doing whatever it takes to create the best life for their children. Since college, the power of commitment and open communication is what has kept DeLeesa and Trevor by each other's side.

One thing that we can all learn from The Circle and social media in general is that everything is not what it seems. When I connected with the couple, DeLeesa wanted to get the story straight about her and Trevor's love story. "I feel like people look at couples on social media and they think that things are perfect when that's not true. We went through stuff, too. We just figured out how to overcome it and move together as a unit."

In this installment of xoNecole's Our First Year, Deleesa and Trevor share how marriage is about work, navigating through the ups and downs, and prioritizing family. Here's their story:

How We Met

DeLeesa: I got to school early because I was starting [college] a semester late. I met him, we became friends, and I developed a little crush on him. One day, we were hanging out in his room and he just didn't want me to leave (laughs). So we were messing around for about a year. Exactly one year later, I told Trevor that I am not going to keep doing this unless he becomes my man. If he didn't make me his girl, then we were done. (Laughs)

Trevor: I tried to ride it out as long as I could (laughs). At the time, I was thinking, since I'm still in college, I shouldn't be tied down. But I knew that if I didn't make it official, she was going to leave. So, she was right, and we took it to the next level.

First Impressions

Trevor: I thought she was absolutely beautiful. She was pretty and the new girl on campus. So I knew she was going to get lots of attention. But I didn't want to be on that with her, so I continued to just be a stand-up guy. At first, it was the normal student-and-RA relationship. She would ask me what activities she could do on campus and I gave her a few suggestions. For a few days, we continued to hang out and I started to realize the chemistry we had between us.

DeLeesa: When I first met Trevor, I wasn't even thinking about going that [relationship] route with him. I was new to the school and I just wanted to be his friend. But because we shared bathrooms in the dorm, this man would just walk around in his towel sometimes. I couldn't help but notice him more after that. I just thought 'He is fine!' (Laughs) He was so nice and he never pressured me into anything, but, he knew what he was doing.

Favorite Things

DeLeesa: I love that he has unconditional love for me. I feel like that no matter what I do or no matter how mad he gets, he is still always going to be by my side for anything that I need. We have been together for a long time. Even though we had breaks in between, he has always been there for me.

Trevor: It's not just one thing for me, but I can sum it up: DeLeesa is everything that I wish I was. She is very much not afraid of what other people think and she is very determined to go after what she wants. She has that go-getter mentality and it is so attractive to me.

"DeLeesa is everything that I wish I was. She is very much not afraid of what other people think and she is very determined to go after what she wants. She has that go-getter mentality and it is so attractive to me."

Wedding Day

Trevor: On our wedding day, I was crying like a baby when I finally saw her. That is my fondest memory of that day: seeing my wife-to-be from a distance and instant water works. (Laughs)

DeLeesa: I really enjoyed our first dance. Our wedding was pretty big, and I planned the whole thing. I was very hands-on and it was hard for me to just have a moment and be present. But when we had our first dance, that was our time to just be with each other and not worry about anything else. It really hit me that we were married at that point.

The One

DeLeesa: Well, the thing with Trevor and I is that we broke up a lot. We reached nine years of being on and off. By that time, we said to each other that this would be the last time we were going to break up. We were going to try our best to do everything that we could to stay together. And if we didn't work out, we were going to go our separate ways. For me, I really wanted us to work because I did see him as my future husband and my children's father. So it was the conversation we had to not break up that was my "you are the one for me" moment.

Trevor: It was something that I always knew. Young Trevor would say, "If I had to get married, this is who I want to marry." When I knew it was time to take things more seriously with her, it was after we had that conversation. Another confirmation that DeLeesa was the one was when we had to move to Canada from New York. I thought to myself that this woman must really love me to pack up and move to another country for me. This woman trusts me so much and she is my forever.

"The thing with Trevor and I is that we broke up a lot. We reached 9 years of being on and off. By that time, we said to each other that this would be the last time we were going to break up. We were going to try our best to do everything that we could to stay together."

Biggest Fears

Trevor: The questions that popped into my head were, "Can I do it?"; "Can I be a good husband to her?"; or "Was I truly husband material?" You can't take a test for that or study to get those answers. You have to just do it, apply your morals and values, and do the best you can. What has helped me with this is continuing to reaffirm how we feel about one another—affirmations that let me know that she is happy and I am doing a good job. Marriage isn't that much different from what we have already been doing this entire time. We just wear rings.

DeLeesa: My biggest fear [is related to the fact that] I am a very independent person, [so] if I do not like something, I can be out, quick! So with me, I questioned if I could stay put and fight through the bad times within a marriage. I would question if it is worth sticking it out since this is a lifelong commitment. What has helped me get through that is reminding myself that I can still be independent within my own marriage. I can still do things on my own and still share my life with someone I really care about.

Early Challenges

DeLeesa: I feel like I have been really good at keeping my relationship with my friends balanced with my partnership with Trevor. So when we first got married, my personal challenge was me trying to juggle between being a good wife and still making time for my girls. I really didn't want to lose sight of who I was in the process of marriage.

Trevor: My work at the time forced me to travel a lot. So when you are in that honeymoon phase, it's important to have quality time together. It was hard with my job to enjoy life together as a married couple in the beginning. Yes, we have been together for a long time. But this was different. Not being around my wife as much as I wanted to was really hard for me and the both of us. Our communication started slacking and we definitely struggled during that time.

Love Lessons

Trevor: There's two lessons that I have. One lesson is that I am a husband first. I have spent a lot of time not being a husband so it can be easy for me or anyone to continue to behave that way. But my wife always has to come first, no matter what is going on in life. When you're married, you have to reinforce that. My second lesson that has helped in our marriage is making sure I do things in order to make her life easier. It can be the simplest thing, but for me, it is a huge priority.

DeLeesa: My biggest lesson is being able to learn from each other. For example, if he is doing simple things to make life easier for me, I am learning from him how to show up for him to make him happy. It can be easy to just receive everything he is putting forth, but it has to be give and take for us.

"I am a husband first. I have spent a lot of time not being a husband so it can be easy for me or anyone to continue to behave that way. But my wife always has to come first, no matter what is going on in life. When you're married, you have to reinforce that."

Common Goal

Trevor: To do everything in our power to ensure that our girls have the best possible life. Everything that we do at this point is for them. Before children, I may have moved slower working toward certain things, but there is definitely an added fire on how we approach things because of them.

DeLeesa: I agree. The number one goal is to be the best parents we can be. We want to set up generational wealth and we want them to be culturally aware. We want them to grow up and be proud of everything we have done for them.

Best Advice

DeLeesa: My advice would be don't go looking for advice, honestly. A lot of people are going to have an opinion about your life and sometimes that may not be the best for you. People can have different intentions and may give you the wrong advice. So I feel that if you need to vent, then yes, have someone to confide in. But don't take their word as facts. Try to figure out your marriage for yourself. Stick to your intuition and what you want to do, no matter if you are being judged for it.

Trevor: The things that matter are to be patient, listen close, choose to be happy, and love hard. I also think when people come to terms with the fact that marriage is work, then it is more possible for people. There are honestly more things to be happy about with the person that you marry. You have to keep all the things that you love about that person at the forefront to get you through. Once you do that, you will be fine.

Follow Deleesa and Trevor on Instagram @leesaunique and @trev_saint and their family page @itsthesaints.

Featured image via Instagram/Leesaunique

Since 2000, Black buying power has increased a whopping 114 percent. According to Business of Fashion, we brandish $1.3 trillion in annual spending power. It's also no secret that Black women move culture like no other, making us one of the largest assets to the U.S. economy. However, for some odd but obvious reason, society tends to question Black women when they level up and revel in luxury.

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