How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?
Recently, while talking to someone in my world about their marriage, they shared with me that, while they typically have a huge appetite for sex, because there has been a real breakdown in their connection with their spouse as of late, they haven't been in the mood. "Something that marriage teaches you is that sex really needs to have a strong emotional connection," they told me. "I had a lot of great sex when I was single, but nothing beats when the chemistry and connection are there with your spouse. Once you've had that, anything less is settling. And so, until my partner and I can get back on the same page, I'm just not interested in 'going through the motions'."
Because I know so much about what is going on in that marriage right now, I get why they are currently at their resolve. After all, while sexless marriages are traditionally not beneficial to a couple, neither is the misuse/abuse of make-up sex.
Ask any husband or wife who has a truly fulfilling sex life and they will totally vouch for the fact that that the best kind of sex is when the mind, body and spirit are in sync; when one of these components is lacking, copulation is compromised.
That's why I wrote articles on this platform like "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?", "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?" and "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.". All of these are reminders that sex isn't supposed to be merely a mechanical act; it has to go far deeper than that.
That's why I am broaching to the topic of a mindful orgasm today. Because, while any orgasm is pretty damn dope (I mean, c'mon now), folks who've had the extreme pleasure of experiencing a mindful one would say you are truly missing out if you haven't had one too. Here's why. And how.
What Exactly Does It Mean to Be “Mindful”?
To me, "mindful" is the kind of word that we all should want to apply to our lives, across the board. When it comes to a basic definition of what the word means, when we are a mindful individual, it means that we are choosing to live in the moment. When it comes to sharing a quote that I think describes mindfulness quite well, it would have to be one by the Roman emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius. He once said, "Do every act of your life as though it were the very last act of your life." It speaks to being purposeful. It speaks to being intentional. It also speaks of not taking one single moment of life for granted. Ever.
So, how can you know if you are someone who at least strives to be mindful?
- You believe in a Higher Power which keeps you from trying to control what you cannot.
- You areextremely self-aware (or at least try to be).
- You do not allow fear, worry and anxiety to run your life.
- You don't spend a lot of time complaining because, more times than not, it's a total waste of time.
- You try to resolve conflicts or issues as soon as possible.
- You enjoy the "little things" that happen around you.
- You've made peace with the fact that you're not perfect nor is anyone else which, in turn, makes you more patient and compassionate (to yourself as well as towards others).
- You strive to master the art of going with the flow.
- You are far more interested in giving than receiving, knowing that the universe always rewards the good that you do.
- You typically focus on now until the "next now" arrives.
Whew. When you stop to really take all of this in, mindfulness seems like a huge "exhale" and "woosah", doesn't it? It brings a whole new meaning to "why sweat the small stuff?" and "why miss out on today by focusing so much on tomorrow?"
Because of this, mindful people tend to be calmer than most. They are also loving, respectful and accepting (including self-accepting). Know what else? Mindful individuals have a certain level of healthy intensity to them too. Since they are fully aware of the fact that right now is all that they really and truly have, they usually experience things on a very profound and passionate level. Everything is something special—because they choose to see it as so.
And when you look at mindfulness from this angle and perspective, doesn't it make perfect sense that their sex life—including their orgasms—would truly be some next level ish?
How Can Mindfulness Take Your Orgasms to Another Level?
If, in theory, you can grasp a surface-level concept of how being mindful has the ability to produce some pretty earth-shattering climaxes but still, you're needing a little bit more help to take it all in, let's briefly apply all 10 of the points I just made to your sex life specifically.
- If you believe in a Higher Power and you also believe that Power is who created sex (I am a Bible follower, so I totally believe that God created sex because the Bible says so in Genesis 1:26-27), then you will honor sex as being something that is spiritual, not just physical.
- If you are self-aware, then you know what your strengths and weaknesses are, even sexually (like you might be really great at oral sex but you're timid when it comes to trying new things). You also know what works for you sexually and what doesn't.
- If you don't get consumed with fear, worry and anxiety, then you don't do a lot of "pre-thinking" (other than incorporating safer sex practices, of course) when it comes to sex. You let it happen as it comes.
- If you don't complain a lot, you're not always brooding or stressing over past sexual partners or experiences. You're more interested in what you and your partner can do to make the next time better; not what happened in the past that was less than stellar.
- If you don't hold grudges, then you don't withhold sex as a way to "punish" your partner. You work to find compromise and peace so that the two of you can always remain close and connected; including sexually.
- If you enjoy the little things, then, on the sex tip, you're not an "orgasm chaser". What I mean by that is, while orgasms are desired, they aren't the main goal; you and your partner enjoying one another is and every little thing that cultivates pleasure is welcome.
- If you embrace imperfection, then you're not hung up on body image issues when it comes to you or your partner. You don't care about having flaws. In fact, some of each other's imperfections are what you like the most because those are some of the things that make us all unique. By embracing this reality, you and your partner can be more at ease.
- If you go with the flow, sex doesn't always have to happen at a certain time, in a specific place. Nor does it always have to go the same way. You don't expect anything other than extreme closeness. Beyond that, what will be will be.
- If you and your partner are more interested in giving pleasure than receiving it, selfishness isn't a big issue in your sex life. And that is ALWAYS beneficial.
- And finally, if you are solely into the here and now, then you are 1000 percent present with your partner, from beginning to end, when it comes to the sex that the two of you choose to engage in. And because of this, the stage is set to have an orgasm that isn't forced, isn't "judged" and isn't filled with preconceived notions or expectations.
Now go briefly back over these 10 points again. If you really take a moment to take all of this in, I bet you can see how and why a mindful orgasm can be the best you and your partner will probably ever have. I bet you can also better grasp how to make a mindful orgasm happen too. But just to be perfectly sure, how about a few pointers?
Here’s How to Have Your First Mindful Orgasm
GiphyNow that the foundation has been laid for how to bring mindfulness into your bedroom (or wherever you like to get it in), give me a couple of minutes to provide a few tips on how you can have your very first mindful orgasm (if you don't think you've ever had one before).
First, it's important to keep in mind that, no matter how many orgasm hack articles you might read (including the ones that are on this site), it's not really going to matter much if your mind isn't in the right place.
There are plenty of health-related articles that share the fact that things like anxiety, unrealistic expectations, poor body image issues can impede orgasms. So, it's important to remember that, before even engaging with your partner, you need to be good with yourself if you want a mindful orgasm to take place (sex journaling can help you in this area, by the way).
Second, since being mindful is about being—and staying—in the moment, what is the freaking rush? Practices like orgasmic meditation, affirming one another, listening to sensual music, giving your partner a lingam massage, encouraging him to get to know your sexual pressure points, kissing, cuddling, oral sex marathons—basically getting off the clock and just taking the time to take each other in (even down to listening to the sounds that your partner makes) are all acts of foreplay that can put you both at ease while helping you both to focus more on just being together than setting a goal to have an orgasm in 30 minutes or less.
Lastly, encourage you and your partner to pay close attention to peaks of pleasure. I don't mean what you're saying and doing when on the brink of an orgasm. What I'm talking about is what are the things that the both of you enjoy most before even getting to that point and place? Whatever those things are, get some edging (which is bringing someone to the point of climaxing and then stopping so that their orgasms will be intensified) going by extending those acts while telling your partner what you adore the most about them sexually.
For instance, if you really enjoy having your inner thighs kissed, encourage your partner to also share what they enjoy so much about doing that to you, right in the moment of doing it. Then, when you feel like you can't take it anymore, switch up and do something that brings him extreme satisfaction while professing what turns you on, so much about him, in the moment as well. If the two of you do this, at least a couple of times, you'll both feel sexy, safe and ready for intercourse. And, because of all of these factors that are working so seamlessly together, a deeply intense orgasm could very well be only a few moments away.
And that, my dear, is what gets you to a mindful orgasm.
If you were really paying attention to all of this, you probably noticed that a mindful orgasm has less to do with your partner or even sexual technique. It's more about simply being at peace with yourself and the moment that you are in—moment by moment. Trust me, if mindfulness is something that you choose to make a part of your daily life, I'd be shocked if, not only will it be easier to have orgasms but you'll not want less than a mindful orgasm every time. Practice some mindfulness today. Watch what that could do for your orgasms tonight. Whew.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Giphy
- What To Do When Your Partner Is Too Big And Sex Is Painful ... ›
- What Sex Workers Need You To Know About Their Careers ... ›
- Activate Your Sex Goddess With Crystal Dildos - xoNecole ... ›
- I Tried Cannabis Lube - Here's Why You Should Too - xoNecole ... ›
- What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'? - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- How Can I Tell If I've Had An Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Is Mindful Sex? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Is A G-Scale Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Sex Workers Need You To Know About Their Careers - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
Courtesy
Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
Courtesy
Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
Courtesy
Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy