How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?
Recently, while talking to someone in my world about their marriage, they shared with me that, while they typically have a huge appetite for sex, because there has been a real breakdown in their connection with their spouse as of late, they haven't been in the mood. "Something that marriage teaches you is that sex really needs to have a strong emotional connection," they told me. "I had a lot of great sex when I was single, but nothing beats when the chemistry and connection are there with your spouse. Once you've had that, anything less is settling. And so, until my partner and I can get back on the same page, I'm just not interested in 'going through the motions'."
Because I know so much about what is going on in that marriage right now, I get why they are currently at their resolve. After all, while sexless marriages are traditionally not beneficial to a couple, neither is the misuse/abuse of make-up sex.
Ask any husband or wife who has a truly fulfilling sex life and they will totally vouch for the fact that that the best kind of sex is when the mind, body and spirit are in sync; when one of these components is lacking, copulation is compromised.
That's why I wrote articles on this platform like "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?", "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?" and "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.". All of these are reminders that sex isn't supposed to be merely a mechanical act; it has to go far deeper than that.
That's why I am broaching to the topic of a mindful orgasm today. Because, while any orgasm is pretty damn dope (I mean, c'mon now), folks who've had the extreme pleasure of experiencing a mindful one would say you are truly missing out if you haven't had one too. Here's why. And how.
What Exactly Does It Mean to Be “Mindful”?
To me, "mindful" is the kind of word that we all should want to apply to our lives, across the board. When it comes to a basic definition of what the word means, when we are a mindful individual, it means that we are choosing to live in the moment. When it comes to sharing a quote that I think describes mindfulness quite well, it would have to be one by the Roman emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius. He once said, "Do every act of your life as though it were the very last act of your life." It speaks to being purposeful. It speaks to being intentional. It also speaks of not taking one single moment of life for granted. Ever.
So, how can you know if you are someone who at least strives to be mindful?
- You believe in a Higher Power which keeps you from trying to control what you cannot.
- You areextremely self-aware (or at least try to be).
- You do not allow fear, worry and anxiety to run your life.
- You don't spend a lot of time complaining because, more times than not, it's a total waste of time.
- You try to resolve conflicts or issues as soon as possible.
- You enjoy the "little things" that happen around you.
- You've made peace with the fact that you're not perfect nor is anyone else which, in turn, makes you more patient and compassionate (to yourself as well as towards others).
- You strive to master the art of going with the flow.
- You are far more interested in giving than receiving, knowing that the universe always rewards the good that you do.
- You typically focus on now until the "next now" arrives.
Whew. When you stop to really take all of this in, mindfulness seems like a huge "exhale" and "woosah", doesn't it? It brings a whole new meaning to "why sweat the small stuff?" and "why miss out on today by focusing so much on tomorrow?"
Because of this, mindful people tend to be calmer than most. They are also loving, respectful and accepting (including self-accepting). Know what else? Mindful individuals have a certain level of healthy intensity to them too. Since they are fully aware of the fact that right now is all that they really and truly have, they usually experience things on a very profound and passionate level. Everything is something special—because they choose to see it as so.
And when you look at mindfulness from this angle and perspective, doesn't it make perfect sense that their sex life—including their orgasms—would truly be some next level ish?
How Can Mindfulness Take Your Orgasms to Another Level?
If, in theory, you can grasp a surface-level concept of how being mindful has the ability to produce some pretty earth-shattering climaxes but still, you're needing a little bit more help to take it all in, let's briefly apply all 10 of the points I just made to your sex life specifically.
- If you believe in a Higher Power and you also believe that Power is who created sex (I am a Bible follower, so I totally believe that God created sex because the Bible says so in Genesis 1:26-27), then you will honor sex as being something that is spiritual, not just physical.
- If you are self-aware, then you know what your strengths and weaknesses are, even sexually (like you might be really great at oral sex but you're timid when it comes to trying new things). You also know what works for you sexually and what doesn't.
- If you don't get consumed with fear, worry and anxiety, then you don't do a lot of "pre-thinking" (other than incorporating safer sex practices, of course) when it comes to sex. You let it happen as it comes.
- If you don't complain a lot, you're not always brooding or stressing over past sexual partners or experiences. You're more interested in what you and your partner can do to make the next time better; not what happened in the past that was less than stellar.
- If you don't hold grudges, then you don't withhold sex as a way to "punish" your partner. You work to find compromise and peace so that the two of you can always remain close and connected; including sexually.
- If you enjoy the little things, then, on the sex tip, you're not an "orgasm chaser". What I mean by that is, while orgasms are desired, they aren't the main goal; you and your partner enjoying one another is and every little thing that cultivates pleasure is welcome.
- If you embrace imperfection, then you're not hung up on body image issues when it comes to you or your partner. You don't care about having flaws. In fact, some of each other's imperfections are what you like the most because those are some of the things that make us all unique. By embracing this reality, you and your partner can be more at ease.
- If you go with the flow, sex doesn't always have to happen at a certain time, in a specific place. Nor does it always have to go the same way. You don't expect anything other than extreme closeness. Beyond that, what will be will be.
- If you and your partner are more interested in giving pleasure than receiving it, selfishness isn't a big issue in your sex life. And that is ALWAYS beneficial.
- And finally, if you are solely into the here and now, then you are 1000 percent present with your partner, from beginning to end, when it comes to the sex that the two of you choose to engage in. And because of this, the stage is set to have an orgasm that isn't forced, isn't "judged" and isn't filled with preconceived notions or expectations.
Now go briefly back over these 10 points again. If you really take a moment to take all of this in, I bet you can see how and why a mindful orgasm can be the best you and your partner will probably ever have. I bet you can also better grasp how to make a mindful orgasm happen too. But just to be perfectly sure, how about a few pointers?
Here’s How to Have Your First Mindful Orgasm
GiphyNow that the foundation has been laid for how to bring mindfulness into your bedroom (or wherever you like to get it in), give me a couple of minutes to provide a few tips on how you can have your very first mindful orgasm (if you don't think you've ever had one before).
First, it's important to keep in mind that, no matter how many orgasm hack articles you might read (including the ones that are on this site), it's not really going to matter much if your mind isn't in the right place.
There are plenty of health-related articles that share the fact that things like anxiety, unrealistic expectations, poor body image issues can impede orgasms. So, it's important to remember that, before even engaging with your partner, you need to be good with yourself if you want a mindful orgasm to take place (sex journaling can help you in this area, by the way).
Second, since being mindful is about being—and staying—in the moment, what is the freaking rush? Practices like orgasmic meditation, affirming one another, listening to sensual music, giving your partner a lingam massage, encouraging him to get to know your sexual pressure points, kissing, cuddling, oral sex marathons—basically getting off the clock and just taking the time to take each other in (even down to listening to the sounds that your partner makes) are all acts of foreplay that can put you both at ease while helping you both to focus more on just being together than setting a goal to have an orgasm in 30 minutes or less.
Lastly, encourage you and your partner to pay close attention to peaks of pleasure. I don't mean what you're saying and doing when on the brink of an orgasm. What I'm talking about is what are the things that the both of you enjoy most before even getting to that point and place? Whatever those things are, get some edging (which is bringing someone to the point of climaxing and then stopping so that their orgasms will be intensified) going by extending those acts while telling your partner what you adore the most about them sexually.
For instance, if you really enjoy having your inner thighs kissed, encourage your partner to also share what they enjoy so much about doing that to you, right in the moment of doing it. Then, when you feel like you can't take it anymore, switch up and do something that brings him extreme satisfaction while professing what turns you on, so much about him, in the moment as well. If the two of you do this, at least a couple of times, you'll both feel sexy, safe and ready for intercourse. And, because of all of these factors that are working so seamlessly together, a deeply intense orgasm could very well be only a few moments away.
And that, my dear, is what gets you to a mindful orgasm.
If you were really paying attention to all of this, you probably noticed that a mindful orgasm has less to do with your partner or even sexual technique. It's more about simply being at peace with yourself and the moment that you are in—moment by moment. Trust me, if mindfulness is something that you choose to make a part of your daily life, I'd be shocked if, not only will it be easier to have orgasms but you'll not want less than a mindful orgasm every time. Practice some mindfulness today. Watch what that could do for your orgasms tonight. Whew.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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