My friends and I are huge music fans. Basically any genre, at any time, can get some sort of shout-out but, because I was a freshman in college in 1992 (and a lot of my crew is around my age), the 90s—especially when it comes to R&B and hip-hop—is considered to be a truly a golden era. On so many levels. For that reason, it's fairly common that either I or a friend will initiate a round of "So, where were you when?" where we'll mention a particular song and then share the memories we have from around the time that it came out.
Recently, what came up was the total NSFW explicit version of "Call Me" by Too Short featuring Lil' Kim (from 1997). If you've never heard that song before, I'll put it to you this way—if you've never had sex before, you'll definitely feel like you did by the time "Call Me" ends (which reminds me, ALL female rappers need to give Lil' Kim her props; her flow was the sickest. There's no debating that…ever). Anyway, as my friend was asking me if that was the kind of music I would "get down to" back in the day, I shared that jams like Jodeci's "U & I" (1991); Usher's "Nice and Slow" (1997); Sade's "No Ordinary Love"; Mary J. Blige's (featuring Jodeci) "If Loving You Is All I Have To Do" (1992), and "Make Love to Me" by Lorenzo (1992) was more my speed. As we both went back and forth with different songs that we could directly connect different sexual memories to, that got me to wondering why music seemed to be such a powerful aphrodisiac and seduction tool (I mean, when's the last time you watched a sex scene that didn't have any background music?).
If reading this intro has you now wondering the same thing, here's what my research on the topic revealed.
Men Look Better When There’s Music Playing
I've never had a one-night stand before. I've never been much of a clubber either. But I do recall some college parties where I would first meet someone and think they were sexy as hell, only to see them in the university center a few days later and literally be like "WTF?". I can also count the amount of times I've ever been drunk so I can't, pun intended, blame it on the alcohol. But it seems like various studies do believe that I can connect that "limited attraction" to the DJ and the music that he was playing at the party.
Take this one control group that consisted of 64 women and 32 men. Oddly enough, if the women listened to music before looking at a picture of a man for the first time, they actually found him to be more attractive than if they saw a shot of him without hearing any music beforehand. The guys? Music didn't affect their overall opinion of the women they looked at, one way or another (shocking, right?). That got me to wondering if that's why music can be so effective on a date.
Could it be that we ladies end up being drawn to a man more if we're in a club or at a concert because the music is "triggering" some feelings within us that we're actually transferring onto our date—whether we realize it or not? Goodness. That made me want to dig deeper.
Music Affects Us in the Same Way That Food and Sex Does
OK, so if music is powerful enough to alter the way we see someone, what in the world is that all about? Well, according to another article that I read, it would appear that music is able to trigger a pretty solid dopamine release within us. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps our brain to decide what movements we want to make, along with what emotions we should feel, at any given moment.
Well, within the article, another study on how music affects us, stated that, when a song that we like hits its peak, it is able to mimic a similar reaction that we encounter while we are eating a meal or while we are having sex.
I don't know about you, but a good meal or some great sex gets me pretty excited. And much to my surprise, when I thought about some of my all-time favorite songs, they do tend to bring a similar type of satisfaction—at least to my mind. And that revelation made we want to dig even deeper.
Did You Know That Music Can Determine the Kind of Sex You Have?
Yeah. This is where it gets really real. A website called Tick Pick once conducted a survey that consisted of 1,010 people who enjoyed music and were sexually active. The results? Chile, they were truly something else.
The Breakdown of People Who Were Sexually Satisfied Based on Their Preferred Music Genre
- Country: 66.3%
- Blues: 64.3%
- Jazz: 63.2%
- Reggae: 62.8%
- Hip-Hop/Rap: 61.3%
- R&B: 61.2%
- EDM: 60.0%
- Classical: 58:9%
- Pop: 57.2%
(For the record, I didn't include every gene that was listed. You can click here to see that.)
Reportedly, blues fans lasted the longest in bed, hip-hop fans were the least likely to go down on a woman (hmm…) and, 1 in 4 folk music lovers cried during sex. People who liked listening to reggae music enjoyed being on top more than any other genre and people who enjoyed listening to country preferred the bottom the most.
There's more. Who is shocked to hear me say that hip-hop fans preferred the doggy style position the most (Lord knows there are enough rap songs that mention it), while pop fans lean most towards the missionary position? As far as who gets into the cowgirl and reverse cowgirl the most, that award goes to heavy metal. People with different tastes in music typically have sex six days a month while those with similar tastes get it in eight days a month. As far as sexual fetishes go, EDM listeners hold the top spot, hip-hop and reggae hold the fifth and sixth position, and R&B gets 10th place. Indie rock goes for BDSM the most, country music lovers are all about role playing and anal more than anyone else, pop people want the most lingerie and jazz listeners apparently have the biggest foot fetish. Something else that I found to be a trip is heavy metal fans get the top spot for using birth control the most consistently while reggae gets the 10th position, R&B gets the 12th and pop comes in at the 14th (that's out of 15 genres, y'all).
How in the heck could all of this be? A lot of it is connected to how our body naturally responds and reacts to different kinds of music tempos. For instance, there are plenty of studies that point to the fact that listening to upbeat music typically puts us in a good mood while music with a slower tempo is able to calm us down and make us feel less anxious. Not only that but, listening to music that is our personal preference can ignite feelings of passion as it encourages us to tap into our imaginative sides. All in all, music has a powerful affect on us mentally and emotionally…and clearly, sexually as well. I think one of the main reasons why this is the case can be summed in the article, "Music can complement your sex aesthetic":
"Sex is kinda like art…like the way an artist paints, draws, watercolors. They usually prefer one of these types but have dabbled in all. On top of that, you can add all these layers. When you draw, you have shapes. Then you layer colors. Then you layer shades and textures. Sex is the same thing, where you do it, what positions, who it's with, and music is another layer."
Indeed and agreed. So, before you pull out your next playlist for your next "session", think about why you're choosing the songs that you do and how it actually will influence the kind of sex you will have. According to all of this research—if you want to feel calmer, put on some slow jams. If you want your toes sucked on, jazz might be your best bet. And, if you're into role play, Dolly Parton might need to be added to the rotation. I mean, it's all according to science and research. Guess it couldn't hurt (wink).
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Is Your Job Interfering With Your Orgasms?
Apparently, There's A 'Six-Minute Rule' That Can Give You The Best Sex Ever
8 Men & 8 Women Told Me What They Wish Their Partner Would STOP Doing In Bed
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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