
9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.

Most of the married couples I work with, after a while, they become almost like family. It's mostly because, on average, I'm rockin' with them at least a couple of years. Most stints are two-hour sessions, twice a month. Yeah, being a marriage life coach has taught me a ton (it's honestly a part of the reason why I'm still single because it's revealed some truths about relationships that I don't think I would've discovered any other way). One of the main lessons is that a couple's sex life—or lack thereof—can reveal volumes about how happy and healthy two people truly are when it comes to their relationship.
Take this one couple that I worked with for almost four years. During their "exit interview", I asked them how content they were in various areas of their marriage. When I got to the topic of sex, the wife said, "I know I'm tired of using my own spit to get myself wet." Umm…come again? No really…come. Again. That one statement alone resulted in us resuming our sessions for six more months. It also taught me that, when it comes to sexual fulfillment, getting on the same page as your partner is not just about certain positions or various techniques. Good sex is about clear and consistent communication; a part of what comes with that is asking the right questions along with listening—and I mean, really listening—to the answers your partner provides.
A screenwriter by the name of J. Michael Straczynski once said, "Your assumption and the truth, dine at totally different tables." So true. If you want to know if your partner is good, in the sense of being satisfied, in the coitus department, never just assume that they are. Ask. Ask what? These 9 questions will reveal a lot, for starters.
9 Sex Questions To Ask Your Partner
1. "How Do You Feel Our Sex Life Has Been Lately?"
To me, I think one of the most important questions to ask your partner is how they feel sex has been lately between the two of you. Have things been going great? Is it just the same ole' same ole'? Or worse, have they not really given it too much thought at all? Why do I say "worse" as it relates to that last question? Simple. Since we reportedly have somewhere around 50,000 thoughts a day, if your partner can't remember the last time one of those thoughts was even remotely related to y'all's intimacy—at best, they are indifferent and at worst, they are disconnected. Neither are attitudes that make for a fulfilling sex life.
That's why this lil' questionnaire is starting off with this type of inquiry.
The truth is, some people find themselves in a rut or ho-hum routine because, when it comes to sex, they haven't really processed if they are actually pleased or not.
Hmph. No time like the present for you and yours to find that out.
2. "Are Your Sexual Needs Consistently Being Met?"
Whenever I listen to married couples express their sexual frustrations, a pattern that I tend to notice is they oftentimes have a hard time discerning the difference between what they want to happen vs. what they need to happen in the bedroom. Take one husband in particular. He wants to have sex twice a day, every day. But he doesn't need that; he needs to not go a week without getting some. On the flip side, his wife wants more sexual spontaneity but what she needs is more foreplay ('cause, especially when it comes to women and how our bodies are made, sex isn't much fun without foreplay; just from the lubrication that it provides alone).
A need, by definition, is something that is necessary. When something is necessary, it is essential and when something is essential, it is the very essence of a thing. In a perfect world, whenever we have sex, both our wants and needs would be met. But this world ain't perfect and neither are our sex partners. Still, if you want to have a healthy sex life, it is important that the two of you are super intentional about knowing what one another's needs are and then doing all that you can to meet them; not some of the time. Consistently so.
3. "What’s Your Favorite Sex-Related Memory of Us?"
I recently read an article on The New York Times site entitled, "Take a Walk Down Memory Lane. It Can Be Healthy." One of the points that it made is nostalgia is considered to be a phenomenon that creates "a high-order emotional experience more on par with love than, say, fear". That said, I'm sure you can see why, off the rip, I recommend asking your partner what their favorite sex-related memory of the two of you are. Not only can it mentally seduce them to say it and you to hear it, the literal recollection can spark an emotional high that makes you feel more loving and passionate towards your partner too.
As a bonus, if you've been feeling like sex is cool but also really predictable, the memory can take you both back to a time when you were hanging off of the chandeliers. It can serve as a great reminder to you both that you've got the ability to pull that out of one another—even now.
4. "What's a Fantasy You've Never Shared Before?"
In the article, "What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?" that's featured on this site, one of the things that I touch on is how important it is to be open to exploring you and your partner's sexual fantasies. For one thing, it helps to keep the bedroom action fresh and new. Another benefit is it can tap into you two's imaginative side that may not always come out during usual sexual activity.
Sometimes, women especially, will tell me that they are not comfortable with sharing their fantasies with their partner. The main reason is because, based on how "buck wild" it is, they feel like their partner may see them in a different light. First of all, that's can be a good thing because everything about us, including our sexual nature, has layers. And second, to this day, I don't think I've heard one man tell me that their lady's desires totally turned them off. Besides, no one is saying that you have to act on everything that comes to your mind.
The main point in sharing fantasies is they can help you to see other sides of one another; they can help you to explore—mentally and possibly physically—where you want to go in order to take things to a new level and dimension. You should never feel self-conscious about that.
5. "What Can We Do to Make Foreplay Better?"
You know what's interesting? Whenever wives talk about foreplay with me, if they have a gripe, the issue isn't that they aren't getting enough of it; the real issue is that the foreplay has become predictable…mechanical even. As a result, they end up becoming bored to tears. It's no secret that men, on average, are able to climax in around five minutes while women, on average, need between 20-25 (this includes foreplay). But sometimes, the mistake that men make is, once they know what "buttons to push", they just keep doing the same things over and over…and over and over…and over again instead of thinking outside of the box.
A good lover, whether it is a man or a woman, knows that the prelude to intercourse is just as relevant and wonderful as intercourse itself. Whether it's discovering new erogenous zones; extending the kissing time; doing a lil' sexting; shooting him an online gift card to a lingerie shop so that he can pick out something he would like to see you in; giving one another a sensual massage; waking up early in the morning for a little oral and then "finishing things off" once you get back home—be open to saying and listening to what would make foreplay that much hotter for you both.
Back when I was gettin' it in, it was my personal experience that if the foreplay was off-the-charts, it was almost a definite that the sex was gonna be good. But when the foreplay sucked? Sometimes I would rather have a V-8 than complete the act (and I hate tomato juice).
6. "What Can We Do to Make Sex Even Better?"
In Science Alert's article "More Adults Than You Think Are Avoiding Having Sex. Here's Why", it shares some interesting points. Points like 40 percent of women avoid having sex altogether at some point in their lives, the main reasons why some relationships become sexless is due to health-related issues and, a lack of sleep plays its part in a lack of sex too. So yeah, when it comes to this particular question, if your partner seems to have a lot of excuses for why they don't want to have sex lately, it's a good idea to ask why. If neither of you have had a physical in a while, there's no time like the present to make an appointment with your physician. If you're averaging less than six hours of sleep a night, you are working against your libido; you might wanna change that.
Simple adjustments like these can automatically improve your sex life. So can asking your partner if there is something that you can do in the oral, technique or sexual positions department. Believe me when I say that some people consider their sex life to be pretty uneventful; still, they don't do much to change it because they feel like any sex is better than nothing. Eh. I believe that you should think more of your partner and your sex life overall by not settling for less than awesome copulation. You can start getting there by asking you partner what they feel will make the literal act of sex better for them—which ultimately means better for you.
7. "Is There Something You Would Like Me to Change or Switch Up?"
One husband I know, he has said in sessions that, while he loves the sex that he has with his wife, what he hates is that her vagina doesn't have any hair on it; because of that—and this is a quote—"I feel like I'm having sex with a teenager or something." A single woman recently told me that she is in an exclusive sexual relationship with someone. When I asked her if there was anything that she wished he would do differently, she said that she hated that his initial go-to position was always doggy style. A male friend of mine said he wished that his steady partner would get out of the bedroom more often, while a wife recently told me that she wanted her husband to perform cunnilingus—not more but better.
We all know the saying—closed mouths don't get fed. More times than not, they don't get off either. While a great sex partner does make it a point to be in tune with the person they are having sex with, at the same time, it isn't fair to expect them to be mind-readers either.
The only way to know if your partner would like some adjustments to be made is to ask them. And then check your ego at the door, so that you can receive their response.
8. "What Can I Do Outside of the Bedroom to Make Sex More Satisfying for You?"
There are plenty of articles out in cyberspace that says the biggest sex organ is our brain (you can check out a few of them here, here and here). You know what this means—in order to feel truly connected during sex, you need to be willing to do some things for your partner that have absolutely nothing to do with sex. Maybe it's going on dates more. Maybe it's speaking your partner's love language more fluently. Perhaps it's helping out more around the house, setting healthy boundaries with family members and/or friends, or being intentional about listening to your partner more.
Some people have less-than-stellar sex lives, not because the act of sex isn't good; it's actually because their partner doesn't feel nurtured and supported enough in all of the other room of the house. When that happens, sex feels more like going through the motions than anything else. And who wants to say that their sex life is not much more than that?
9. "Is Sex Intimate, Sexual or Both for You Right Now?"
An author by the name of John O'Donohue once said, "Real intimacy is a sacred experience. It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of a neon culture. Real intimacy is of the soul, and the soul is reserved." Another author by the name of M. J. Abraham once stated, "A physical attraction is often desired above many things, but you'll discover it to be short-lived. Find yourself someone that gets under your skin, seduces the dusty corners of your heart, and provides you with a mental connection. That is when you'll know true intimacy." Former porn star (and author) Jenna Jameson once said, "The best sex takes place in the mind first." What all of these statements reveal is we should never assume that just because the physical act of sex is transpiring that real intimacy is taking place as well.
In the article, "The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship", things like mutual honesty, warmth, affection and spirituality are used to express what authentic intimacy is. You know, one of my favorite documentaries of all time is51 Birch Street. As a son was discovering all of the unknown dysfunction and unhappiness of his parent's marriage, he decided to ask his own wife if she was happy in hers. He was shocked to hear that she wasn't. Moral to the story—just because two people aren't abusing one another, just because a couple doesn't have any real drama, that doesn't mean that they are being intimate with one another—even if they are having sex on a regular (or semi-regular) basis.
Most married people will say that there are times when sex is more sexual (physical) than intimate (mental, emotional and spiritual). In the grand scheme of things, there's nothing wrong with that. When you should be concerned is if your partner feels like sex is merely a physical act most of the time. If that is the case, it's time to reconnect on an intimate level. But you'll never know if that's what's going on—watch how this article comes full circle—unless you ask them. Do your relationship and your sex life a big favor—ask them. Tonight, if you can.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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'Leave Quicker': Keri Hilson Opens Up About Learning When To Walk Away In Love
What you might call Black love goals, Keri Hilson is kindly saying, “Nah.”
In a recent appearance on Cam Newton’s Funky Friday podcast, the We Need to Talk: Love singer opened up about a past relationship that once had the public rooting for her and former NBA star Serge Ibaka. According to Cam, the pair looked “immaculate” together. Keri agreed, admitting, “We looked good.” But her demeanor made it clear that everything that looks good isn't always a good look for you.
That was all but confirmed when Cam asked what the relationship taught her. Keri sighed deeply before replying, “Whew. Leave quicker.”
It was the kind of answer that doesn’t need to be packaged to be received, just raw truth from someone who’s done the work. “Ten months in, I should have [left],” she continued. “But I was believing. I was wanting to not believe [the signs].”
Keri revealed to Cam that despite their efforts to repair the relationship at the time, including couples counseling, individual therapy, and even sitting with Serge’s pastor, it just wasn’t meant to be. A large part of that, she said, was the seven-year age gap. “He was [in his] mid-twenties,” she said, attributing a lot of their misalignment to his youth and the temptations that came with fame, money, and status.
“There were happenings,” she shared, choosing her words carefully. “He deserved to live that… I want what you want. I don’t want anything different. So if I would’ve told him how to love me better, it would’ve denied him the experience of being ‘the man’ in the world.”
But she also made it clear that just because you understand someone’s path doesn’t mean you have to ride it out with them. Instead, you can practice compassionate detachment like our girl Keri. “You can have what you want, but you may not have me and that.”
When Cam jokingly questioned what if there was a reality where a man wanted to have both “you and a dab of that,” Keri didn’t hesitate with her stance: “No,” adding, “I can remove myself and [then you] have it. Enjoy it.” Sis said what she said.
Still, she shared that they dated for a couple of years and remain cool to this day. For Keri, being on good terms with an ex isn’t a sign of weakness; it's a reflection of where she is in her healing. In a time when blocking an ex is often seen as the ultimate sign of growth, Keri offers an alternate route: one where healing looks like resolution, not resentment. “I think because I have such a disgust for ugliness in my life. Like, I don't do well without peace between me and everyone in my life. Like, I really try to resolve issues,” she explained to Cam.
Adding, “I think that's what makes things difficult when you're like sweeping things under the rug or harboring ill feelings towards someone. When you're healed, when you've done your work, you can speak to anybody when you've healed from things. I think maybe that's the bottom line.”
Watch Keri's appearance on Funky Friday in full here.
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