

Back when I was writing for the local paper here in Nashville, I once interviewed a sex therapist. We covered a lot of ground, but one of the things that he said that has remained in my mind to this day is, "A lot of boys learn about sex from porn. A lot of girls learn from chick flicks and Cosmo. Put those two people in a dark room together and you're going to have a big ole' mess on your hands."
After serving as a teen mom director for the local branch of a national non-profit for several years, and also after being a marriage life coach for even longer than that, I must say that when it comes to sexual preparation—especially as it pertains to a long-term commitment—that sex therapist was spot-on. Sex is a significant, relevant and very necessary part of a relationship. Yet, unfortunately, it's something that couples—including engaged and newlywed couples—do not spend nearly enough time hashing out. It's almost like they think, "We love each other, so the sex thing will work itself out." Will it? Will the bills, the in-law issues and who's going to clean what in the home going to miraculously work itself out without some intentional dialogue? No? Well, why should sex be any different?
If you're currently contemplating marriage and you're going to take "'til death parts us" serious (and please do), sex with your future spouse is going to be a part of your life, hopefully for the rest of it. I don't know about you, but that seems like a good enough of a reason to set aside a few conversations to getting some clarity about your man's views, experiences and expectations—as it specifically pertains to sex.
1. “What did your parents teach you about sex?”
Two myths, that I'm always more than happy to debunk, every chance that I get, is 1) Black women don't get married (the real truth is a lot of us have a bucket list that we'd prefer to complete before saying "I do") and 2) most Black kids grow up without dads. You can read articles like "No, Most Black Kids Are Not Fatherless" or check out the totally adorable YouTube channel Beleaf in Fatherhood to know that is a total fallacy. But when it comes to the missing daddy issue, I'd be very irresponsible if I didn't act like it doesn't exist (reportedly one-third of all U.S. children are living with an unmarried parent) and that the repercussions can be truly heartbreaking.
Take the topic of sex, for example. One of my exes? He knew his father, looks just like the man and yet his dad never claimed him. His mother? I can count at least five times when we tried to get into his house, but the door was locked. Through the window, we could hear her having sex—almost each time with a different man. Fast forward to now, and while my ex is a great never-been-married-before father of four, when I asked him what he's taught his kids about sex, he was like, "I started having sex as a kid. Who am I to be judgmental about their decisions?" For me, it came off as flippant, but what I realize is he didn't know what to do because no one taught him.
Although our parents are not solely responsible for who we become, they are a part of our foundation. Knowing what your man was told, taught and modeled can provide you with a glimpse of his views on sex and, quite possibly, the perspective and values that he'll extend to your own children someday.
2. “What was your first experience like?”
Question. How many men in your life, when they speak of their first time, it sounds healthy? And by "healthy", I mean, they weren't a child who had sex with a grown woman (if they were 14 and she was 18 or older, she was a grown woman and it was statutory rape); they weren't pressured by an older brother or some kids at their school; they weren't molested and they weren't babies at the time (14 is a pretty young to me, but I know some guys who claim to have been 9 or 10 when they gave their virginity away).
I was just telling someone earlier this week that I believe there is such a thing as "sex PTSD" and it's not always from sexual abuse or trauma. Sometimes, it's simply engaging in a sexual experience before we're ready or one that we don't really understand the magnitude of. Then, until or unless we get some clarity, we can end up carrying all of that confusion into our other sexual encounters.
One my partner's first time was with a woman that his brother locked him up in a bedroom with; that same guy ended up date raping me. Another one of my partner's first sexual encounter was with one of his female first cousins. Another one of my partners, he was a preteen who participated in a train with a group of his friends. Two had sex with a babysitter.
Contrary to popular opinion, men are not made out of emotional Teflon. And with articles out here like, "Age Of First Sexual Experience Determines Relationship Outcomes Later In Life", "Does Sexual History Affect Marital Happiness?" and "How Does Sex Affect Your Emotions? 12 Things to Know About Attraction and Arousal"—knowing about your man's first encounter can definitely shed light on some things; whether he believes it has directly affected him or not.
3. “What is your biggest past sexual regret?”
I say it often because it's something that I wholeheartedly believe. I don't trust anyone who says that there is nothing in their life that they don't regret. It's one thing to say you feel like all that you did played a purpose in where you are now; it's something else to say that when you look back over all of the things that you've said or done, you have absolutely no remorse (which is what regret is).
Unless you're about to marry a virgin, I think it's close to impossible for someone to not have any regrets when it comes to their past sexual choices. I regret having sex for the first time in my boyfriend's mother's bed with his little sister asleep in the same room. I regret having sex with people's boyfriends. I regret agreeing to pick up a guy at the side of a dumpster one night, so no one would have to know we were gonna have sex. I regret my abortions.
And here's the thing—had I not made the time to really process and heal from my regrets, I know I would've ended up carrying a bit of bitterness, resentment and baggage into my future marriage bed. It's not just me who feels like this either. Some husbands have told me that now that they are married, they wish they had handled their season of singleness differently too. So yeah, it's a good idea to ask your partner if he has any regrets. If he does, follow that question up with if he's done anything to feel better about the situation—or situations. If he hasn't, encourage him to do so.
4. “Is there any sexual trauma that we should discuss?”
Reportedly, 1 in 6 boys have been molested by the time they turn 18.
I believe it's a lot more than that because at least half of the men in my own world have shared with me that it is a part of their history. As a result, it has made it hard for them to trust, they admit to having some really complicated views about sex and, some of them have made some really toxic sexual decisions, as a way to "process" their sexuality (for instance, some told me that they had sex with lots of women because a man molested them and they were trying to "prove to themselves" that they are heterosexual).
Someone I care deeply for once told me that although he gets plenty—and I do mean, plenty—of female attention, he's not sure if he'll "ever be healthy sexually" due to his childhood sexual abuse. That's a really vulnerable and insightful thing for him to say. But just think about how many men have been molested or raped and don't share their feelings about it. Not enough women ask their partners if there is sexual trauma in their past. But for the sake of a stable and thriving intimacy life, it's one that is beyond valid.
5. “Are all of your sexual relationships and situationships FULLY resolved?”
There's a guy I know who once told me that, for a decade, he had an affair with a married woman. Now that he's married, he still finds himself hittin' that woman up on social media from time to time. In his mind, it's just to see how she's doing. In my mind, he's playing with fire (and yes, I've told him so).
The reason why I say that is because a lot of my exes are married at this point. One of them, because we were homies before sex ever entered into the picture, I used to think it was OK for him to hit me up too. But conversations always eventually turned into a slick sexual statement or strolling down sexual memory's lane which is all kinds of inappropriate. So, even though we used to be friends, because we also used to be more than that and we never really closed that chapter, I had to totally and completely let him go. Otherwise, it was gonna be a slippery slope if we remained in communication.
A lot of married couples deal with jealousy and even slight paranoia in their relationship, not because their spouse has a past, but because they can tell that the past has never been fully resolved. It might hurt to know that your partner still has some "residue" laying around somewhere, but it's better to ask and encourage him to close those doors now than to find out the hard way later that he didn't via an emotional affair—or worse.
6. “What are your sexual expectations?”
When people hear that I have no problem spending 5-6 weeks on intimacy in premarital counseling sessions, they think that I'm being excessive. Whatever. If they knew how much sexual dysfunction I hear about while dealing with couples after they say "I do", they'd get why it's such a priority to me. Being that a lack of intimacy continues to be a leading cause of divorce, and also because I know that a lot of dating couples feel like intimacy is not something that they need to put a lot of forethought into (I mean, we love each other, so what is there to worry about? We got this), that's why I think that intimacy should be explored, almost ad nauseam.
It never fails. Whenever a married couple comes to me about their issues and challenges, it's very rare that sex doesn't come up in the conversation. Someone isn't getting as much as they want, someone isn't getting the kind that they desire, or someone thought that the entire sexual part of their relationship was going to be different.
We all know what assuming can do to a person and having expectations without discussing them first is a form of making assumptions. Whether you've had sex prior to marriage or the plan is to wait until after getting married, you are going to do your future sex life a world of good by asking each other what your expectations are, beforehand.
7. “Do you have any sex-related deal-breakers or hang ups?”
I've shared in one of these articles before that a husband once told me that, in premarital counseling, he expressed how important fellatio was to him. His fiancée was so intent on getting married that she said, in counseling, that she loved to give head; that him getting it on the regular would be no problem. Fast forward to almost a decade into their marriage and, according to him, he only got it twice. He ended up cheating.
Another husband? When he was dating his wife, he told her that sex every day was preferred but if not that, sex every other day was desired. She not only agreed but professed that her drive was also really high. They ended up having sex about once a week. They were married for almost 12 years. They're divorced now.
You can say whatever you want to say about these men and what they wanted going into their marriage, but it's what they wanted. If it's something that sounds ridiculous to you, you're actually proving my point about why it's a good idea to ask your own man this question on the front end.
I know some people who didn't know their partner hates oral or doesn't like to try new things or only wants to have sex in the dark before they married them. They are pretty close to being miserable now. So yeah, figuring out what the potential deal-breakers or hang ups are before marriage is definitely something that should also be discussed. It can only benefit you if you do.
8. “How much of a priority is your health?”
This question might seem like a bit of a wild card, but here's why it's relevant. There's a wife I know who, while she was dating her now-husband, he gave her the impression that she was gonna be swinging from the chandeliers from their wedding night on. He talked such a big game that she was a little intimidated, going into their honeymoon. But from their wedding night on, he has had trouble maintaining an erection because he's overweight and has to take blood pressure medication. It's been well over a decade now. Guess who's the one who isn't sexually satisfied?
Married sex is wonderful. It really is. It's also a responsibility in marriage. And in order to act responsibly when it comes to marital intimacy, one's health must be taken into account. So yeah, inquire about that too.
9. “Do you think there is a difference between single and married sex?”
Single sex can be all kinds of false advertising, boy. After all, when you're single, you are your top priority and so, it's pretty common to mostly and mainly consider yourself, even when it comes to sex.
If you take out the time to read "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", hopefully you'll see that married sex is very different from sex you may be having as a single individual. Shoot, the "forever exclusivity" of the dynamic is enough to set it apart.
Even while dating, different couples have different "rules". Maybe you don't mind your man going to a strip club with his friends. Maybe you're not as upset if you find out he watches porn. Maybe there are certain things that he wants you to do that you concede to because "It's not like it's all of the time."
Most of the men that I know, they are pretty literal. When it comes to this topic, what I mean by that is if you give your partner the impression that nothing has to change from his single life, it probably won't. So, if you've got other thoughts, this would be the time to bring them up. Stat.
10. “How important are my needs going to be?”
Something that I had to learn the hard way about sex—and by sex, I mean good sex—is sometimes, even your pleasure is all about a man's ego. What I mean by that is some men aren't great in bed because they are trying to connect with their partner and meet her needs. Sometimes they are, just so they can feel good about themselves; it's all about patting themselves on the back (by the way, I believe that there is even such a thing as "sexual narcissism"; you can read more about it here). The problem with this kind of individual is they tend to not emotionally invest well. Plus, the sex will only be good if they want it to be that way. Who wants to spend forever with an individual like that?!
So yeah, it would be ludicrous of me to not close this out with a question that could've been the first one, to tell you the truth. Before marrying "him", discuss what your own sexual needs and desires are, get a read for how he feels about each and every one of them, and discuss if they are going to be a priority or not.
Marriage is supposed to be for life. Both partners should be willing to spend a lifetime pleasing one another in the best ways possible; this includes sexually. A good way to know if that is a part of your partner's plan is to well, ask him.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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If You're In A Committed Relationship, Avoid These Sex Mistakes At All Costs
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your May 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Blooming Softly & Trusting Divine Timing
May is about being patient, nurturing your dreams, and creating beauty in your world. This is a more stable and generous month than the chaos that April brought, and we get an opportunity for closure, healing, and rejuvenation this month. We are still amid some important retrograde transits, but these are ones we can navigate better by grounding our energy in the present moment, and not allowing ourselves to stress over the what-ifs.
With the Sun in Taurus for most of the month, May reminds us that there is beauty in finding your peace and not allowing anyone to disrupt that.
Pluto goes retrograde in Aquarius from May 4 until October 13, and this will be a time of remembering your power when it comes to your purpose, innovations, and the ability to attract support into your life. Mercury moves into Taurus on May 10, making this a good time for negotiations, creating new plans financially, and sticking to your word on something that holds value to you. The Full Moon of the month occurs in Scorpio on May 12, and this is the Flower Moon of the year, signifying growth and seeing the beauty in your life.
This Full Moon is all about letting go of what doesn’t feel authentic or resonate with you emotionally, and about experiencing more closure and healing within relationship matters.
Your May 2025: A Monthly Overview
Gemini Season officially begins on May 20, and we enter air sign energy, which is good for communication, business, and coming up with inspiring and new ideas. On May 24, Saturn enters Aries, beginning its new transit where it will remain for the next few years. Saturn in Aries is bold, direct, and straightforward, but so are its lessons. There is a gift in resilience and finding your strength during this time, and this transit will show you where your power is, but it may challenge you to confront self-limiting behavior in the process.
Mercury enters Gemini on May 25, and Mercury loves being here. Mercury in Gemini is the creative genius, and this is a month of aligning yourself with this energy. On May 26, we have a New Moon in Gemini, and it’s time to set your intentions for where you want a communication breakthrough in your life, and what new ideas you want to start planting the seeds for. This is a good New Moon for networking, exchanging ideas, having more fun, and getting inspired.
Article continues after the jump.
May 2025 Horoscopes for Every Zodiac Sign
Keep reading for your sun, moon, and rising sign below to see what May has in store for you.
ARIES
The impact from April is finally behind you, and you get to move forward this month, Aries. After a month of retrogrades and Eclipses, you are starting to see the progress of what you have been working towards financially this year. The Sun is in your 2nd house of abundance, self-confidence, and values this month, and you are putting your dreams here first.
With Venus also in Aries for the entire month of May, you are feeling the support within and without this month, and this is a beautiful month unfolding.
On May 24, Saturn enters your sign, beginning its transit in Aries, which will last for the next few years. Saturn is the master of tough love, and you are going to be learning a lot about yourself during his time and going through a growth spurt. The New Moon of May is at the end of the month on May 26 and will be giving you the answers and clarity you have been looking for, highlighting open communication in your life. Overall, this is your month of fewer obstacles and more progress.
TAURUS
Taurus Season is officially underway, and you are the main character right now, Taurus. Remember that. This month is about trusting your intuition and the timing of things, and knowing that things are working in your favor. With Venus, your ruling planet, in your 12th house for the month, you are seeking a lot of closure and culmination right now and are healing what was. Mercury enters your sign from May 10 until May 25, and it’s all about the perspectives you are gaining right now.
Don’t be afraid to ask the important questions and get down to the bottom of things that have been worrying you. On May 12, there is a Full Moon in your 7th house of partnership, and you are closing the door on what has not been working for you in love. You are seeing the clarity of what you need within your emotional world and how you want to navigate the changes you have been through here now.
GEMINI
May is a new beginning for you, Gemini. You have a lot of energy and vitality with you this month, and you are ready to accomplish some personal goals and intentions of yours. For most of the month, the Sun is in your house of closure and healing, and you are finding yourself rejuvenated from the transformations you have been through. Gemini Season officially begins on May 20, and with the Sun in your sign, nothing is holding you back from shining and living in your truth right now.
On May 25, Mercury enters Gemini until June 8, and Mercury loves being in your sign, as this is your planetary ruler.
Mercury in Gemini is forward-thinking, quick, and intelligent. You are coming up with solutions to previous challenges or obstacles, and overcoming something that has felt restrictive mentally. Before the month ends, there is a New Moon in Gemini on May 26, and this New Moon is one of the best times of the year for you to set your intentions and manifest your dreams. Remember you are worthy of what you are setting out to accomplish this month, Gemini.
CANCER
Cancer, this month requires you to slow down, take care of your health, and allow things to come to fruition the way they are meant to. There is a chance you could be overthinking more than usual this month, and you are being reminded that there is only so much that is in your control, and to give yourself some more grace. The Full Moon in Scorpio on May 12 will help you gain a little more clarity of the heart and is going to be a time of feeling the love and appreciation in your life.
Saturn enters your 10th house of career on May 24, remaining here over the next few years, and you are getting an opportunity to grow and discover where you may have been limiting yourself professionally, socially, or within your aspirations in life. This time is all about reminding yourself that you deserve recognition for the work you do, but that you must also be the one believing in yourself as well. On May 12, there is a New Moon in your house of emotional healing, and you are seeing the gifts of alone time, safe spaces, and tending to your creative inklings at the end of the month.
LEO
This month is an opportunity for a new beginning in love and progress within your emotional world, Leo. You are learning to trust your intuition more, and you are putting more of your energy into your heart’s desires. With the Sun in your 10th house for most of the month, you are shining in your truth and remaining confident in your goals in life.
Venus is in your house of adventure for the entire month, and this is a good time for experiencing romance while traveling or getting out of your comfort zone a little.
Saturn makes a significant move from Pisces into Aries at the end of the month and enters your 9th house. With Saturn here, you will be learning more about what mental growth and clarity mean to you, and this is a good time to dedicate yourself to higher education, traveling, gaining a new perspective, and honoring your integrity and values. The New Moon of the month is on May 26, creating magic within your friendships and community.
You are leaving this month with hope in your heart and new plans for the future.
VIRGO
May is a month of abundance and fruition for you, Virgo. Your dreams and intentions are coming to fruition, and you are owning that which you have created for yourself. With Venus in Aries, this is a good time for seeing support in your life financially, dedicating yourself to your commitments and responsibilities, and seeing the gifts in that. On May 12, there is a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication, and this is an intuitive time for you, giving you the strength needed to close the chapter on what you don’t resonate with anymore.
On May 24, Saturn enters your house of shared finances, rebirth, intimacy, and resources, and over the next few years, you will be learning the importance of connecting with people who truly have your best interest at heart, and not committing to what feels unstable. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Gemini in your house of career, and this is a good time to manifest and set your intentions for where you want to see professional growth in your life.
Overall, May is about embracing your freedom while honoring the people and connections that help you grow and make you feel more secure in life.
LIBRA
This is a month of feeling empowered and ready to take on anything that comes your way, Libra. You are inspired by the progress you are making in your life right now, and with Venus in your 7th house of love, you are being well-received. This is a month of finding your balance between your path and the growth of your relationships, and there is a sense of support, harmony, and love in your life in May.
You are owning your authenticity and living in your truth fully, and this energy is magnetic.
However, Saturn also enters your 7th house of love this month, where it will remain for the next few years. Saturn empowers and helps you grow, but you can also feel a little more challenged within your relationships during this time. The more you can own your wants and needs, the more you can find vulnerability and support within your relationships. On May 26, a New Moon in a fellow air sign occurs and happens in your 9th house, creating a chance at a new adventure and an opportunity to discover some new inspiration.
SCORPIO
May is about believing in the impossible, Scorpio. It’s time to take a leap of faith in yourself and to remember your power. You are seeking a new beginning in your life, and with the Sun in your 7th house of love for most of the month, you are being supported and encouraged in the process. Pluto, one of your ruling planets, goes retrograde in your house of home and family from May 4 until October, and you are gaining clarity on the people and support systems you can rely on more.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on May 12, and this is the Flower Moon of the year. You are in full bloom and ready for whatever is next for you, and this is beautiful. Previous intentions and goals come to fruition for you overall in mid-May, and there is a lot to look forward to right now as you are getting excited about it all. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Gemini in your 8th house, creating a sense of empowerment through what you are looking to change and transform in your life right now.
This month is about not being afraid to take more risks and doing things your own way.
SAGITTARIUS
May is a beautiful month of magic, success, and good fortune, Sagittarius. You are feeling lucky this month and are attracting success to you in many different areas of your life. Venus, the planet of love, is in your 5th house of romance for most of the month, and you are enjoying your life, feeling the love within your heart, and expressing yourself freely in May. You are a magnet for your manifestations, and dreams are coming true for you this month, Sag.
On May 12, we have a Full Moon happening in your house of endings and closure, and you are closing out a big chapter in your life this month.
You are letting go of old pain or emotional experiences and choosing not to repeat a pattern that left you feeling hopeless before. On May 26, we have a New Moon in your sister sign, Gemini, enhancing your need for love, connection, and relationship development this month. This is a great New Moon to set your intentions for what partnerships you want to see grow, heal, and come to fruition for you. Overall, May is your month of fruition, balance, and believing in the magic in your life.
CAPRICORN
May is about slowing down and allowing yourself to find the answers you have been looking for, Capricorn. This isn’t the time to rush your progress or doubt where you are in life. The Sun is in your 5th house, and this is good for finding more time for fun, pleasure, self-care, and asking your heart what it needs. With Pluto going retrograde in your 2nd house of values and income, you are being reminded to hold yourself with integrity and to know that you are worthy of the things you are asking for.
The Full Moon on May 12 is a beautiful time to connect with loved ones or those who inspire you. The universe wants to show you that you are not alone this month and that you deserve to live a life where you can enjoy yourself more and manifest your dreams, rather than believing everything needs to be a challenge to be worthy. Saturn, your ruling planet, then enters your 4th house of home and family, and over the next few years, you are going to be rediscovering what home means to you.
AQUARIUS
Your guidance for May is to trust that what is falling from your life or changing for you is doing so for your benefit, Aquarius. Trust that what is happening is happening for you and not to you, and don’t doubt that you will rebuild from this. With Pluto going retrograde in your sign from May 4 until October 13, you need a break from some of the confusion you have been feeling in your personal life, and you are getting a chance to gain a new perspective this month.
Use this time to get inspired by change rather than let it bring you down, and ground yourself in the present moment more.
Saturn enters Aries in May, where it will remain for the next few years, helping you grow in the areas of your life that have to do with communication, networking, transportation, siblings, and education. You will be learning a lot during this time and will be finding new outlets for self-expression and communication. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Gemini occurring in your 5th house of romance, pleasure, hobbies, and entertainment, and after a month of navigating endings, changes, and closures, you are ready for a fresh start and are receiving one in love now.
PISCES
Allow what is to be, be, Pisces. May is a month of allowing yourself to trust the timing of the universe and not giving up hope that things are going to turn out beautifully for you. On May 12, there is a Full Moon in fellow water sign, Scorpio, and this is a time to get inspired and see the benefits of closure. This Full Moon is about gaining a new perspective and not doubting what is clearer to you now, that you are worthy of a new beginning.
On May 24, Saturn moves into your 2nd house of income, and you are going to be moving through a journey of developing financially, and working on maintaining stability while building new foundations in your life. The New Moon in Gemini at the end of the month is about setting your intentions for your home and family life and creating some new energy here. Overall, May is your month of breaking ground on the things you want to create for yourself and trusting the timing of how things are unfolding.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
How To Stop Worrying So Much About Your Life & Start Living It
There are people in my family who are worry addicts in denial. If they have a sore throat, they talk about the possibility of it being cancer. If they are short on cash for rent, they already see themselves out on the street. If their significant other doesn't pick up before the third ring, they've resigned that they are being cheated on. Ugh. These people are extremely exhausting to be around, so I can only imagine what it's like to actually be them. Oh, wait. I've got a clue.
It's listed right there in the definition of worry—"to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret." Did you catch it? When you make the choice to worry—because it is always a decision; it's not something that "just happens"—you have chosen to torment yourself. What in the world?
If, despite what the dictionary says, you don't believe that "to worry" is an ultimate form of self-torment, check out some points from WebMD's "How Worrying Affects the Body" article. Worrying has a way of affecting your appetite, your sleep patterns, your moods, and your relationships. Some physical results of worrying include headaches, nausea, muscle tension, the inability to concentrate, and bouts of anxiety. In a nutshell, worrying can make you feel like crap, stress out the people around you, and ultimately paralyze you with doubt, fear, and angst.
And here's the thing—once you're done worrying, not only is the thing that you're worrying about still lingering around, but your worrying has probably made it that much worse. Basically, worrying does what the late newspaper columnist Emma Bombeck once said—"Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere."
Another thing that I've concluded about worry is a lot of people who do it are in denial about something else that it reveals, that they are a control freak. Think about it. When it comes to most of the things that we worry about, aren't they usually connected to things that we want to control, but are totally out of our hands?
Y'all, the more that I unpack this worry thing, the more I know that if there's one habit that all of us must rid ourselves of, it's worry. And chile, there's no time like the present to do just that!
Stop Creating So Many Hypothetical Storylines
I always think it's funny that, when topics like "drama queen" come up, automatically some folks get triggered. It really shouldn't bother any of us to hear the rundown of what a drama queen is (or does) unless it's a bit of a "hit dog will holler" kind of thing. Even then, if you see yourself as being one, there's no time like the present to make a change—if you want to, that is.
Anyway, although the typical definitions of a drama queen include things like mood swings, constant complaining, throwing temper tantrums, being a constant attention-seeker, and always stirring up trouble, I personally think that a totally underrated sign is someone who is always making mountains out of molehills. You know the kind—their man calls to say, "We need to talk" and, before he can call back, they've already decided that not only has he cheated, but he probably has a baby on the other side of town. Or, there's an impromptu staff meeting at work, and they walk into it in tears because they can already imagine themselves living in a cardboard box.
Your day-to-day life already comes with enough plots, twists, and characters. Significantly reduce your chances of becoming a worry wart by refusing to feed off of hypothetical storylines that your imagination is trying to freak you out with.
Do the Best That You Can. Consistently So.
Something that is mad freeing is knowing that, at the end of the day, you did the absolute best that you could. Not in some categories of your life—every single one of them. I can personally attest to this because, when I know that I've let the ball drop on something, it is a whole lot easier to get nervous, anxious, or worried than if I did all that I could. An example of this is a time when my rent got lost in the mail.
My landlord was telling me that if it wasn't found, I'd have to pay it again. Whatever. I had proof of payment. It was gonna be what it was gonna be. But back in the day, when I was an impulse shopper and writing checks all over the place, sometimes rent time would roll around and I'd be freaking out because I didn't know if I truly had enough in my account or not.
See the difference? When you know that you've done what is within your control, what else can you really do? It's when you have to face that you've been back-steppin' that worry is able to creep in. The good thing about this particular point is that it's a reminder that a lot of what we worry about ceases to be an issue if we simply operate in excellence and leave the rest to the Universe to figure out. (The check showed up, by the way. In case you were wondering.)
Avoid the Need to Get a Dozen Different Opinions
This is a gem of a point because, if you're someone who has wired yourself to have to speak with a billion people before making a decision, not only does that mean you don't trust yourself as much as you should, but it also explains why you may be prone to worrying a lot more than what is needed. Case in point. I recently found out that one of my main writing gigs was dissolving its company. When I shared this news with someone, they began to panic, seemingly on my behalf. "What are you going to do about your bills?", "Do you think it's time to get a full-time job?", "How can you handle this type of uncertainty?" Goodness, girl. I was actually doing just fine before I brought you into the mix. Lord.
When you're going through a challenge or trial, it's natural and, to a certain degree, even wise, to get another person's insight. Just make sure that you source out the kind of individual who will bring the kind of perspective that will make matters better, not worse; someone who will help to make things clearer, not more confusing. Oh, and try and keep the number of individuals that you consult with down to a minimum.
The more voices you hear, the harder it will be to listen to your own. And, the easier it will be to find more stuff to worry about—thanks (but no thanks) to all of the "extra" that they will bring into your psyche.
Stay Away from Negative Energy and People
On this site, we tend to talk about toxicity quite a bit—toxic family, toxic friends, toxic significant others…you name it. Well, a surefire sign that someone is a toxic individual is if they are negative most of the time. Negative people are the ones who always think that things are too good to be true.
Not only that but they blow small things totally out of proportion; they dwell on the bad circumstances in life; they thrive off of gossip; they tend to be self-deprecating; fear is always consuming them; they are stagnant because they rarely take risks; their moods are always leaning on the side of pessimism; they don't know how to forgive themselves or other people; they are chronic complainers; they dwell on the past—geeze. I could go on and on, but I don't want you to let the negative energy of even exploring all of this bring you down.
The interesting thing about worry, as it directly relates to negative people, is that negativity is what fuels them. And, fascinatingly enough, a lot of negative folks remain on the "glass half empty" side of life because negativity makes them, well, lazy. They would rather just assume that nothing is going to go right than worry about it or try and make things better.
This means that negative people will not only feed seeds of worry and doubt, but if you stick around them long enough, you can transition from worrying to not caring about what once concerned you at all. And rarely is apathy ever beneficial or good. There is scientific evidence to support that negativity is not only really bad for your health, it's mad contagious too. If you want to quit worrying so much, but you're always around negative energy and people, yeah, good luck with that.
It's pretty much like trying to avoid the flu when you share a bed with someone who's got it. It's not impossible but at the same time, it's pretty probable that you'll come down with it. Eventually.
Think of the Worst Case Scenario. Then Let It Go.
No matter what you're going through in life, there is always going to be a worst-case scenario. But, as they say, 85 percent of what we worry about actually never happens. Still, I think a part of the reason why worrying wears a lot of us out is because we're expending so much time, effort, and energy trying to talk ourselves out of the worst-case scenario rather than considering and then letting it go. A good example of this that comes to mind is when I was a little girl, I actually missed a flight that ended up going down. As a child, I never gave it much thought. Oh, but as an adult, I have. I travel, but flying isn't my absolute favorite thing in the world to do. It's because I know that I could've crashed on one.
One time, while on the way to Alaska, one of the little planes that I was on felt like a piece of paper in a tornado. I hated every moment of it. But the man next to me looked at me and said, "If it's your time, it's your time. What can you do about it now? Calm down." Ever since then, I've applied that way of thinking to just about every issue that tempts me to worry. I think about the worst thing that could happen, I make peace with it, and then I let the thought go.
It might seem weird, but once I'm in the head space of "Whatever it is, I can face it because God's got me," there is a sense of calm and tranquility that makes me almost fearless. Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it.
Take Things One Day At a Time
Remember how I said earlier that most worriers have issues with control? I meant it. Think about the last thing you worried about. Did it have something to do with what was going on in the now or something that could possibly happen tomorrow, next week, or even six months later? There is a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34—NKJV) No matter what your personal spiritual beliefs may be, you've gotta admit that this is a real pearl of wisdom in these words.
One problem with worry is that it causes you to take the focus off of what is right in front of you. Instead, you tend to put your energy and emotions into something that may or may not happen in the future. As a result, it robs you of time and the ability to handle what's before you with excellence. Matthew 6:34 is right. Tomorrow will be here soon enough, and you can best believe that it will come with its own set of concerns. But since tomorrow isn't promised, why not concentrate on what you can be sure of? Right here and right now.
Quit Overwhelming Yourself
There's someone I know who's always telling multiple people all of their business. Then, once their business gets out, they're all stressed out because they don't know who leaked it. SMDH. This is what feeling overwhelmed can be like—you feel somewhat burned out, if not completely overcome, all because you've taken on so many things that you don't really know how to trace your own steps so that you can complete everything. And when you've got tons that need to be done, of course, it's going to cause you to worry.
I know a lot of us ladies think that we're the masters of multitasking, but there is plenty of research that proves otherwise. While we might do "okay" with trying to do five things at once, we'd be much better off doing one thing at a time. It will keep our stress levels down, so that we can concentrate on doing each task with excellence. And, as a wonderful bonus, we can learn the art of saying "no" more often.
Doing one thing at a time is just one more way to stop worrying as much as you probably do.
RELAX
No one is able to relax when they are worried all of the time. How do I know this to be true? Because some antonyms for worry include calm, trust, sureness, confidence, reassurance, contentment, and joy. In this world, we all are going to experience highs and lows. That's a part of life. But as the late Rep. Elijah Cummings once said that he always asked his children, it's important that when "the lows" come that we ask, not why is this happening to us, but why is it happening for us?
By taking on the second approach to our circumstances, we can settle our spirits down more. Then, by doing something along the lines of meditation, yoga, prayer, sleeping, or even just chilling out on the couch and watching something that will get our minds off of what's trying to stress us out, we'll be better equipped to take it on.
Worry hates it when we're relaxed because it knows that it can't really get to us whenever we do. Bottom line—do what you can, release the rest. In a nutshell, that's the key to training yourself to stop worrying so freakin' much.
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Originally published on November 9, 2019