Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing
Even before I went to look up the word to make sure I understood what it meant, a statement that has always made me wince in my mind is "I don't have any regrets" (or some variation of that).
Although I know it's a popular thing that folks like to say, to me, it always came off as a mixture of arrogance and thou doth protest too much. It would cause me to say (usually also in my mind), "So, hold up. With all of the stuff that you've done over the course of your entire life, there is nothing that you regret?" Nothing at all?
Shoot. I have a ton of stuff I regret.
I regret starting my freelancing career without hiring a tax accountant. I regret spending more time in the university center than in the library in college. I regret dating a guy for years who I knew I wasn't in love with. I regret all of my abortions but especially my fourth one.
Shoot, just this week, I regretted ordering something from a merchant on Etsy who lost my merchandise. So yeah, I don't get how anyone on the planet can get out of a seven-day cycle, let alone an entire lifetime without having any regrets.
Still, I've heard people say it so much, with so much boldness and confidence, that I decided to do some further investigating. After having a conversation with about 20 people about them "having no regrets", more times than not, they would get into how, no matter what happened to them or even what they've chosen to do that may not have been the wisest thing at the time, it all played a role in where they are and who they are. And that is why they have no regrets.
I hear that. I get it even. But to me, that sounds more like being in a state of acceptance than not regretting anything. It's the definition of regret that brings me to that conclusion.
Regret: to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)
And remorse?
Remorse: deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction
Now take a moment and think back over the course of your life. Is there nothing, not one thing, that you are remorseful about? Really?
If you still stand firm on your point, you're not alone. There's a guy that I know who basically makes it a hobby to leave women in shambles. Whenever I've asked him if he regrets it, he looks me dead in the eye, doesn't blink, and says "no". (Yeah, I hope he doesn't "regret" that karma that's coming his way too!)
Help me out here. When you see not having remorse (which is regret) in that kind of context, doesn't it creep you out a bit? If it doesn't, it should. In fact, if you do some Googling around about what it means to not be a remorseful individual, don't be surprised if the word "psychopath" pops up (that's not a compliment, by the way).
For me, I get that my good and bad choices have made me the woman I am today—and yes, I love her. That's why whenever I do interviews on Christian radio stations and they ask me if I "regret" not being a virgin, the answer is along the lines of some of Column A and some of Column B.
On one hand, the more information I get on how much sex affects a person, I understand how much simpler (and healthier) life would've been if I had chosen to have one partner for life (if you want your mind to be blown, check out this YouTube video on the physical effects of multiple partners). On the other, those 14 dudes and the experiences that came from "knowing" them? They are priceless.
Still, I can't say that just because I like who I am that there aren't some regrets. I regret getting chlamydia. I regret hurting other women by sleeping with their boyfriends. I regret faking orgasms to boost certain guys' egos. I regret getting date raped and not calling the cops. The list goes on.
And here's the thing about regret. For me, it's the act of regretting—it's humbling myself enough to acknowledge wrongdoing on my part, even if it was nothing more than pure recklessness—that broke a lot of patterns, healed a lot of issues and, in some instances, even mended certain relationships.
In other words, living with regrets has made me better, not worse.
I already know some people will forever be on the tip of, "I don't regret nothin' and I'm stickin' to it!" I get that. I'm just hoping that knowing—or revisiting—the definition of the word will provide a little food for thought.
Personally, I feel safer—yes safer—around those who live with regrets than those who don't have any.
But maybe that's just me.
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Featured image by Getty Images.
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images