

Boy, am I getting up there in age. I say that because when I sat down to write this, one of the first things that came to mind is a commercial I used to see all of the time; one that is at least 35 years old. Emmanuel Lewis was in it talking about how to respond/react when someone tries to molest you. He said that you should "Say 'no', then go and then tell."
As a child (and teen), I was molested by a family member. I did what Emmanuel suggested. It's a long story but let's just say that although that man should be in jail for what he did, folks seemed more concerned with how things looked and opted to protect images more than anything else.
As I've been healing from the abuse of my childhood (and adolescence), I honestly think that is a part of the reason why it took me so long to recognize and then accept that not only was I molested when I was young, I was date raped by two men once I became an adult as well. My a-ha moment is, just like my family member was someone I loved and trusted, so were those two men.
It's not like I didn't grow up understanding what rape was. I always heard that if someone forces you to have sex with them and it's against your will, it's rape. I know a woman who was raped by a stranger in a parking lot. I also know a woman who was gang-raped after being drugged in a bar. I'm very clear on what happened to them. They were raped.
But what about when it's a guy you are attracted to, have great chemistry with and, at one point and time, even had great sex with?
This describes the first man who date raped me. Long story short, we dated for a little over a year, moved on and later reconnected. He asked me to dinner and, afterwards, came back to my place. We started kissing and messing around on my couch. I liked it. But right when his hands went for my panties, something suddenly clicked.
I remembered all of the reasons why I ended things in the first place – other women, giving him tons of money, his constant lying, etc. – and I told him I wanted to stop.
He kept going. The more I pushed him away, the more aggressive he'd become. Full disclosure, we used to get pretty sexually intense in times past, so I actually think my forcefulness was turning him on. But as I kept saying, "No, I don't want to do this with you tonight", tugging at clothes turned into tears and "Girl, stop playin'" turned into—and this is a direct quote—"Don't be mad at me that your other niggas ain't f*ckin' you right." Wow. I had always heard rape was about power, not sex. His words just proved that.
In my totally dark living room, the experience was cold and uncomfortable (borderline painful). I was crying. When he was done, I crawled into a corner, completely shell-shocked and he walked out of the door, not saying a word. When I turned on a lamp, I noticed a few marks on my body. He had never left those before.
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I knew it wasn't the kind of sex I wanted to have, but because we had sex before – and again, sometimes it would get pretty ravenous – I couldn't get a good read on if it was rape or not. Unpleasant? Sure. Out of hand. Yep. But rape? Did this man actually RAPE me?
Fast forward several years later to another guy. I had known him for at least 10 years and he always made it clear that he had a crush on me. I had an odd attraction to him too but always managed to keep him physically and emotionally at arm's length.
He persisted. I broke and one day gave into him wanting to kiss me as we watched a movie up in his bedroom. Honestly, he's one of the best kissers I've experienced to this day. Over the course of a few months, kisses on the mouth turned into kisses other places.
I liked how he made me feel, but I also knew that I didn't want to sleep with him. He had at least six kids at the time. He never used condoms. And there was an entitlement in his attitude towards everything in life that made him seem more like a spoiled child than a grown man. Still, because we were friends and because he was so consistent in his declaration of love for me, I didn't feel unsafe in his presence. Not one time. Not at all.
Then one day, while hanging out, we started kissing. As he started reaching for my clothing, I told him "no". Several times. He said nothing but kept on kissing and reaching. I turned my head, tried moving his arms…he overpowered all of my efforts.
I finally got so tired of squirming and fighting that I stopped and thought to myself, "Please let this end quickly." He was so excited, it did. As he laid on top of me talking about how right it felt (huh?!), something in me snapped. I told him I hated him and I wanted him to get out. He then responded that we probably should've waited because I was being hyper-sensitive. By the way, I later found out that a couple of other women accused him of rape before.
I told him "no" and he persisted. But this was a friend of mine and he admitted himself that he pushed me past my limits. But is that rape? Is it really?
I already know there are going to be people who are immediately going to want to put this on me. What was I doing making out with a guy I didn't want to have sex with? And of course, because I had sex with one of them before and he was in my living room in the dark, he was going to think that he could sleep with me again; that was a poor judgment call on my part. Sure, they might have taken advantage of their opportunities, but rape? If that's what I think happened, I'm not taking ownership and perhaps I'm just being dramatic.
To that, I say two things:
One, I tend to believe that people who think that way either 1) have done what those guys did or 2) have never had my experiences before. Because anytime anyone has sex that results in feelings of violation, on any level, it's a problem. Someone's been victimized.
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Two – and this is something I share even in counseling sessions with married couples – sex is supposed to be beautiful. It's supposed to feel good. Both individuals need to feel desired but also safe and cherished before, during, and after. Neither one should want sex so badly that they don't care how their partner feels (especially if they express it's not something they want to do at that time). Anyone who doesn't believe this to be true also has a problem. Not only that but, whether they want to accept this reality or not, they've probably victimized someone before.
The one word that both of these points have in common is "victimized" and the very definition of rape is 1) someone having sex with another without their consent and 2) someone who violates another individual.
It took quite a while for me to really get that because I said "no" and because I felt unsafe and was violated, it didn't matter what my past experiences with those two men had been. There was a time when each of them raped me. There's nothing "grey" about it.
And you know what? On this side of clarity, because I had to even wonder if that's what happened in the first place, that's my greatest indication that rape is exactly what went down. I say that because no one should EVER have a sexual experience with someone and, after it ends, wonder if they were assaulted or not. If that crosses their mind, I am comfortable enough in knowing what a healthy sexual experience should be like to say that they were.
According to RAINN, someone is raped within the United States every 98 seconds. I know there is someone reading this who's had a sexual experience with someone they don't feel good about but they're not sure if they can call it an assault.
Hopefully, my stories will help to make things clearer. Either way, I can assure you that sex isn't supposed to hurt, harm, or damage you in any way. So, if when you think back on a sexual experience, you have to question if it was rape or not, sis…just in the fact that rape comes to your mind, I'm 99 percent certain that it was. And recognizing that is the first step towards healing.
For more information on sexual assault or if you need assistance in getting the support that you need, contact RAINN.org or call 800-656-HOPE.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Does hearing the phrase, “you’re such a good girl,” during sex turn you on? If so, you might have a “praise kink.” When I hear the term praise kink, the church girl in me wants to immediately play “The Lady, Her Lover and Lord” while riding reverse cowgirl. But that’s not what is meant by the term praise kink.
A “praise kink” is a sexual fetish that focuses on overt praise, exaggerated compliments, and an outpouring of verbal affection.
What Is a Praise Kink?
The concept of praise kinks isn't new, but thanks to TikTok, a lot of people are now realizing they might identify as praise kinksters. Currently, the hashtag #praisek1nk is trending with 568.9 million views, with tons of creators posting about their love for compliments and words of affirmation during sex. I, too, love a good compliment during sex. I once had a lover sing my praises about how good I was at a certain bedroom activity. His affirmations gave me WAP, but does that categorize me as having a praise kink?
How To Know if You Have a Praise Kink
Just because you love receiving praise doesn’t mean you have a praise kink. Someone with a praise kink experiences an intense level of sexual excitement from being praised or verbally affirmed by their partner during sex. You might have a praise kink if hearing your partner tell you how pretty you are makes you cum or if the thing that makes sex go from good to great is hearing your partner's thoughts about how good you are at giving head. And if, during solo play, the thing that gets you all hot and bothered is recalling the times your partner called you a good girl, it’s probably a praise kink.
Generally, a kink is a sexual activity that is needed for someone to enjoy sex. When it comes specifically to praise kinks, if you need reassurance from your partner that you're sexy, or good in bed in order to orgasm, you have a praise kink.
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Examples of Praise Kink Phrases To Try With Your Partner
If you’re new to the term and looking to explore, you probably have questions about what phrases to use. It may take a lot of communication and some trial and error to figure out what phrases work best for you and your partner. Ultimately, the best phrases to use vary from person to person and are based on what sex acts you and your partner enjoy, or what parts of their body they like complimented.
To get you started, here are some generic praise kink examples to try out with your partner:
Praise Kink Examples:
- You're such a good girl/boy.
- You're so good at [insert skill].
- You look so hot when you [insert activity].
- Your [insert body part] is irresistible.
- You taste so good. I can't get enough of you.
- You just have the perfect [body part].
- Just like that… you’re doing so good.
- Who taught you how to be so good at [something?]
While many examples of praise kink involve specific verbal affirmations, praise can also come in the form of brief words or phrases like “yes,” “keep going,” or simply a moan. No matter what type you prefer, praise kink is all about finding what feels good and exciting, and turns you and your partner on the most.
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Originally published on November 4, 2022