That was the question posed by my man friend as we discussed the Withdrawal Consent law that's active, alive, and well in North Carolina.
Under North Carolina law, women can't legitimately retract a "yes" to sex once that demonstration has consensually started, on account of an "escape clause" maintained by the state's Supreme Court. A man can't be liable of assault if the woman initially assented to sex — regardless of whether she later requests that he stop. As my friend (we'll call him "Elijah") explained this to me, I couldn't help but feel completely confused and downright angry. The only thought that came to mind was, "What does a woman have if not the right to change her mind?"
On the evening of May 16, 1977, Beverly Hester was assaulted.
But the North Carolina Supreme Court declared that under the law, it wasn't rape if Hester told the man to stop after – not before – sex began.
Hester testified in court that the man who assaulted her, Donnie Leon Way, threatened to beat her if she didn't have sex with him. According to a summary included in the N.C. Supreme Court Decision, State v. Way, Hester said Way asked her out on a date. They went with another couple to a friend's apartment, and Way asked Hester to go upstairs "because he had something to show her."
She went with him to a bedroom upstairs. He shut the door. Then he tried to take off her pants. She said, "No." But Way wouldn't stop.
Let's pause here. Have you ever been in a situation similar to this? I have.
Interestingly enough, with Elijah. We didn't start off platonic. We were dating pretty often prior to "the incident".
We were spending some time together one evening when the sexual energy started flowing. You know, the looks started being thrown, he intently sits with his entire body opened in your direction, the focused and silent glances intensify. We begin with warm and passionate hugs, which lead to even more passionate kissing. Fast forward and tops are off, both his and mine. Fast forward some more, he gains his composure and suggests we stop since we aren't going to sex. I agree and we take a snooze. Later, I am awakened by his kiss, which is just as passionate as before. We continue as if we never stopped, except this time he finds his way on top of me, hands groping and grabbing at my body. All consented until he begins to unbuckle my pants and reach into my underwear.
In between kisses, I'm murmuring "no" and disapproval. He continues as he slides his hand onto and into me. To be very honest, I was extremely puzzled. I didn't want to go that far but I enjoyed the sensation. What I didn't enjoy was not being listened to. He continued without regard for my disapproval as he proceeded to pull my pants down. I am scared now. "Elijah wait. Elijah WAIT. Elijah wait."
He doesn't hear me. I've become invisible. He doesn't see me. So much so, I wonder to myself, Is this real? Is this really happening right now?
He keeps his boxers on and climaxes. Girl, when I tell you I was CONFRUSED *insert ratchet country accent* (that's not a typo...I was that confused you hear me?!)
I lay there, my back to Elijah, completely in disbelief. At that moment, all I can hear is the barrage of self-blame and thoughts of, Why didn't leave early like you said you were? Why did you even let him carry you to the bed, you fool? All the thoughts that make you feel like crap after something already crappy happens to you. I gather my emotions enough to ask myself, What are you gonna do now? I decide on a plan to go to the bathroom, gather my top, and leave. I come out of the bathroom and start looking for my top and he asks, "What are you looking for?"
Learning about this law after my experience really made me reflect on two things I'll be adopting aggressively in my own sexual wellness journey and want to share with you. Here they are:
Set clear boundaries for guys.
Expressing unapologetically what IS and ISN'T on the table. Yes, you can take my top off. We can make out. You can suck on my breasts. You can't take my pants off. You can't take my underwear off. You can't touch my lady parts underneath or on top of my clothes. This may sound extra af, but the truth of the matter remains that we have COMPLETE agency over our bodies.
Our bodies are our very own personal universe, we set the rules of engagement.
Not making it clear who's in charge of your body only allows men to proceed as if they are entitled to access you may not feel comfortable giving.
Discuss what our beliefs are about sexual assault BEFORE getting physically involved.
Sexual alignment requires straightforwardness that we find "too much" or "extra" sometimes. It's a legit approach that isn't presently expected of us since deep conversation isn't seen as essential before physically connecting with someone.
Sexual compatibility isn't simply about the frequency and style of sex. It implies knowing your hard and soft cutoff points when sexual energy is building. Sis, it's okay to ask any and all of the following questions:
- "What do you consider sexual assault?"
- "How okay are you with dry humping and not having sex?"
- "How much dry humping or foreplay can you handle before you're frustrated?"
- "How do you handle sexual frustration?"
- "What makes you feel sexually rejected?"
As women, we are well aware that for us sex starts in the mind. Men know this also, no matter how much some may plead ignorance. It serves us to practice exploring these questions unapologetically with straightforwardness.
We have the power and responsibility to represent our best interest in sexual situations. Laws like Withdrawal Consent illustrate how clearly we can't depend on men, the government, or public officials to look out.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
