Being careless. Not having enough knowledge. Something being a misunderstanding. Being confused. Things seeming like an illusion or delusion. Neglecting something (or someone). Over or underestimating something (or again, someone). Making a false move. Guess what all of these things have in common? They all define what it means to make a mistake.
Now humor me for a moment. If you're currently in a long-term relationship with someone, first, how's your sex life going? If you're not able to give me a firm "great!", here's my follow-up question—if things could be better in the bedroom department, could a part of it be due to the fact that some mistakes are being made? Are you or yours being careless? Are one of you under the illusion (or delusion) that something is working when it actually isn't? Do one or both of you have a tendency to overestimate the impact you're making on your partner? Yeah, it's not the most comfortable self-reflective kind of conversation to have (even if it's just with yourself), but sex is too important in a relationship to not put some thought into whether you—or they—could possibly be making some pretty serious sexual faux pas.
Mistakes like what? Let's start off with these right here.
1.Being Way Too Predictable
Always at night. Always missionary style. Always in the bed. You see the operative word in those phrases, right? I'd say that when it comes to about half of the couples that I work with, the issue they're having has something to do with sex. And one of the things that comes up the most is how bored one or both of them are. One of the best definitions of bored (as it relates to this topic) is "tedious repetition". When something is tedious, it is monotonous and tiresome. Who wants sex to be like that?!
Whenever I think of boring sex, I think about people who do it, just to say that they did it. There's no creativity. There's no spontaneity. There's no real forethought put into the experience at all. Then sex ends up becoming predictable, stale and even lifeless.
A healthy marriage includes a healthy sex life. The more energy and effort you put into making sex fun and exciting, the more of a reflection that will be on your connection with your spouse overall.
2.Always Expecting the Other to Initiate
Sometimes, I'm tickled when I hear what some wives want. On one hand, they give side-eye to submission (even the Christian ones which is interesting if you check out Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18) while on the other, they think that a man should be the sole provider and the sexual initiator because "that's a man's job".
No time to get into the blatant contradictions here. I'll just say that when it comes to initiating sex, it should be an equal effort for both parties. That's because both men and women want to feel wanted and like their partner can't wait to jump their bones.
There's a couple I know right now who hasn't had much sex in (count 'em) five years. Whenever I ask either one what the problem is, they say it's that they are waiting for the other to initiate. Five years, y'all. SMH.
3.Not Tending to Each Other’s Emotional Intimacy Needs
A few years back, Durex conducted a sex survey that revealed (surprise, surprise) sex is best between two people who know and trust one another. In other words, sex is the most fulfilling when there is a solid emotional connection established. Thing is, when you're trying to keep your relationship strong, you and your partner may have different needs or similar ones but at different times. What you can know for sure is doing things like becoming fluent in their love language, being affectionate in ways that aren't sexual, going out on dates, showing support and admiration, being open and available to pillow talk, expressing sentiments throughout the day—all of these are examples of doing things to keep you and yours emotionally connected.
Don't assume that just because you and your significant other are official or that you share the same address and/or last name that you're emotionally in a good place. The only way to know for sure is by asking your partner. Do that tonight, if you can.
4.Losing Their Sense of Humor
Surely this isn't a surprise, being that most of us desire a sense of humor in our partner, but did you know research reveals that a part of the reason why we want someone who makes us laugh is because it displays humor, wit and timing? Someone who has a sense of humor also knows how to not take themselves too seriously and are able to bring relief to stress-filled situations.
As far as bedroom action goes, sex tends to be more fun when both people can laugh at each other, themselves and even sex-related slip-ups. And ladies, it also doesn't hurt that (reportedly) the more a man has the ability to make us laugh, the more orgasms he can give us in the process.
Knock knock joke, anyone?
5.Being (Sexually) Selfish
DJ Khaled and Tip Harris. These are the two men who immediately come to mind when I think of men who are sexually selfish. DJ Khaled for that ridiculousness thing he said a few years back about expecting oral sex but not giving it (to his wife, y'all). Tip, not for what he does or doesn't do in his marriage (Tiny gives me the impression she's pretty held down in the bedroom department), but what he once said in a song with Justin Timberlake—I hate to have to cancel my vacation so you can't deny/I'm patient but I ain't gonna try/You don't come I ain't gonna die.
T.I. is a cutie pie; especially back in those days. But ain't nothin' hot, sexy or appealing about a man who only cares about his own pleasure. Unfortunately, this doesn't only happen over radio airwaves. It's going down like this in bedrooms all over the world too. Maybe one day I'll pen an entire piece on sexual selfishness. For now, I'll just say that sex is sooooo much better when both partners get off on their partner getting off; when they are not focused on their orgasm so much as their significant other's.
A person who thinks like DJ Khaled or has Tip's song philosophy is making so many fumbles in the sex department, it ain't even funny. It really isn't.
6.Slipping on the Body Maintenance
Bad breath. Not body-scaping. Skipping out on the pedicures (scratchy feet in bed are the worst!) and smell goods. Yes, when you're in a long-term relationship, your partner should love you just as you are. At the same time, you should respect them enough to want to keep your hygiene and body presentation up.
One of my favorite married sex stories is about a couple where the wife was giving fellatio and the husband was skimping on the cunnilingus. After we had a full-on counseling session about just how selfish/ridiculous he was being, he said he would give doing it more often a shot. Fast forward to about six months later, when I asked how it all was going in that department, the wife was thrilled. I'll never forget what the husband said: "It's a lot easier after the jungle becomes a golf course." Need I say more?
7.Failing to Regularly Try New Things
Kev On Stage and Mrs. Kev On Stage have a series called The Love Hour. Their episode "I'm a Freak. My Spouse Isn't" touched on everything from sexual incompatibility—or "sex drive gap" as they call it—which they believe is very common in marriage to coming up with ways to make the more sexually conservative and/or lower libido partner interested in trying new things (i.e., exploring their spouse's freakier side). It's an hour and a little bit of change long, so if you want to get to the meat of it all, check out 21:00-31:00 then 41:00-48:00 then 52:00-1:05. The appreciated bottom line of the episode is if you want your sex life to not get old, it's important to be willing to try some new things.
8.Having Sex with an Agenda in Mind
Agenda. Sometimes it can be such a dirty word. In the area of sex, I hate it because there are far too many people who make the grave mistake of only engaging in copulation if they are able to get something out of it; and I don't just mean orgasms and intimacy.
Sex is not supposed to be an applied tool of manipulation. It shouldn't be used to get your partner to do (or not do) something. It shouldn't be used as a way to deflect an issue (you misspend money and rather than own it and apologize, you distract them with sex). It shouldn't be used, period.
If the only time sex really interests you is when you want to get—or get out of—something, you are definitely having sex with an agenda. You're also making a huge mistake because you're sending the message that sex is more about control than love. That kind of mentality is something, sooner or later, you will live to regret.
9.Not Making Their Partner Feel Desirable
When Ayesha Curry did her Red Table Talk, she caught quite a bit of backlash for sharing her insecurities (goodness y'all. How are we gonna tell someone what they have the right to be insecure about?!). Kev On Stage's Righteous and Ratchet show provided an interesting male perspective on it all. Anyway, when Ayesha shared that she sometimes wished that men would notice her more, what I took from that is sometimes she struggles with feeling desirable.
I don't think that means she's unhappy in her marriage or that Steph ain't taking care of business in the sex department. I think she meant that most married people remember the butterflies and the feeling of not being able to keep their hands off of their spouse during the beginning stages of their relationship. The flirting, the staring, the wondering if they'll ever come a day when you'll get enough of them. The feeling of insatiable desire.
Newness brings forth one kind of desire. But the acknowledgement that you've got someone who has your back, loves you to hell and back and knows your dirty secrets and habits and still wants to give you the business? That is desire on a whole 'nother level! Do you and your partner project that to one another? It's a big mistake if you don't.
10. “Forgetting” to Make Sex a Top Priority
One of my little love brothers (someone who isn't a blood relative, but I love him as if he were one) recently told me that he was engaged. During our two-hour conversation about it, something that I shared with him is the fact that something singles sometimes underestimate about sex after marriage is how much of responsibility it is. What I mean by that is it's something that should be treated as a top priority because it's a huge part of what keeps a couple emotionally and spiritually connected.
The couples I work with who are seemingly on their last leg, the one thing they all have in common is the sex is seriously slackin'. There's actually one couple I know who've been together for well over 15 years, but they haven't had much sex almost half of that time; they can count how many times on less than two hands and, as far as good sex, they can count that on only one. There is nothing good or even remotely healthy about that.
When something or someone is a priority to you, it means that it (or they) precede other things. It also means that they are given special attention. Since one of the main things that sets marriages apart from all other relationships is the fact that sex is involved, don't make the mistake of sending the message to your spouse that intimacy with them is on the bottom of your list or that you're not willing to set aside time to give it your complete and total undivided attention.
Out of all the sex mistakes you could make, this is probably the biggest—the one that ultimately can lead to a break down in your connection and possible a broken marriage too.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
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The Scorpio man and Pisces woman form a relationship that is heartfelt, sincere, and not for the weak. There is an immediate connection and familiarity between these two, being that they are both water signs and are both ruled by their emotions. They are on a similar playing field in life, yet they go about their desires in love in a very different way.
Scorpio Man And Pisces Woman Love Compatibility
Ultimately, a partnership being formed between the two is an intimate and emotionally transformative one, and this is a relationship they both never forget. Things can get messy, but if they are willing to do the work within, then the love can also be pretty amazing for them as well. They are all in or nothing when it comes to partnerships, and they learn a lot about true commitment and vulnerability through this pairing.
What attracts a Scorpio man to a Pisces woman?
The Scorpio man is attracted to the Pisces woman's mysterious aura and emotional demeanor. The Pisces woman is attracted to the same things as the Scorpio man. See, these two are more similar than most signs of the zodiac, and they can intuitively feel this about each other right away. Pisces and Scorpio often share similar interests and have a lot of opportunities to meet each other because they like to do the same things and are often in the same places. These are two creative and artistic souls, and there is something that they both find inspiring about each other right away.
The connection and synergy of a Pisces and Scorpio couple is undeniable, and there is a strong force in life that often brings these two together. The Pisces woman can feel that there is more to the surface than the Scorpio man presents right away, and this is instantly intriguing to her, being that she rules the 12th house, which is where everything is hidden in life. The Pisces woman has secrets of her own, and she sees the Scorpio man as someone who can resonate with how she feels and dive deeper into the relationship together.
What is the relationship like between a Pisces woman and a Scorpio man?
The relationship between the Pisces woman and the Scorpio man is emotional. Emotions run very high in this relationship, which is often a good thing, but can turn into something entirely different very quickly as well. The Pisces woman and Scorpio man often get into a relationship together quickly. They are not earth signs that take their time developing a relationship; they are water signs that base their decisions on their emotions and go with the flow of the currents here.
So when they meet and they feel that instant connection with each other, they often jump into a pairing with one another right away.
This couple will enjoy spending time together and will feel like they are deeply understood in the relationship. There is a comfort here that is truly profound, and if anything, they are best friends first and foremost. However, the Pisces woman and Scorpio man tend to let their emotions overwhelm them and can turn little things into something bigger. Arguments or disagreements in this relationship can get messy, and they are both somewhat emotionally impulsive. Neither will forgive and forget easily as well, so reaching a point of forgiveness or harmony after something challenging occurs may never happen.
This relationship works best if both parties have already experienced a long-term commitment or have learned their lessons in love and evolved. The longevity of the relationship will depend on how they begin it. However, the love they have for one another is undeniable.
What is the sex like between a Scorpio man and a Pisces woman?
The sex life between the Pisces woman and Scorpio man is transcendent. They tend to have no issues in the bedroom, and that instant connection they feel when they meet often has an underlying energy of sexual compatibility as well. This isn’t the type of couple to wait a long time to explore each other in the bedroom, and they form a deep intensity here right away. They are looking to connect on many different levels, and they feel enough compatibility in the connection to do so.
The Pisces woman is willing to explore in the bedroom, and the Scorpio man is ready for anything. This is a couple who will entertain role-play, bondage, etc., and there are a few limitations to what they are both interested in. With the Pisces woman providing a safe space to many, the Scorpio man feels comfortable opening up in many different ways, the main one including behind closed doors and in the bedroom. They are emotional at their core, however, and will still want a level of intimacy with each other that goes deeper than just sex, so although their sex life is great, there is more they both want at the end of the day.
What makes a relationship between a Pisces woman and a Scorpio man work?
What makes the relationship work between these two water signs, is that they both understand each other deeply. They don’t have to explain themselves or work too hard on getting to know each other because it’s almost instant that they do. They speak the same language, in other words, and they can learn a lot from each other in the process. They are more open with each other, and their more reclusive demeanor changes in the presence of one another. This is a couple that likes to spend time together doing things that each other has an interest in.
At the end of the day, these are just two people who want to love and be loved, and they can give each other that.
The Pisces woman helps the Scorpio man open up more, go with the flow, and trust the universe. The Scorpio man helps the Pisces woman step into her power, stick up for herself more, and live life fully. There is something creative and eye-opening about this pairing, and they create their own world together. Trust is everything between the both of them and once they have that, they lay the foundation for the relationship to grow and thrive.
What may cause a Scorpio man and a Pisces woman to break up?
The thing about a water sign relationship is that things can get messy. Emotions are always running high, and if they are not on the same page, this can lead to the energy of the relationship being all over the place. The Pisces woman is loyal, attentive, and compassionate, but she is also a free spirit who likes her space and freedom. The Scorpio man, on the other hand, craves deep intimacy and partnership and may have a hard time trusting the Pisces woman, and that trust needs to be had in a relationship.
Scorpio may find Pisces to be too wishy-washy for his liking, although Pisces just sees herself as someone open-minded and flexible and doesn't understand why the Scorpio man can’t be a little more like that as well.
This relationship can fall apart due to things becoming overwhelming too quickly. They tend to get into the relationship quickly and break up just as fast as well. If they can act on mental clarity as much as they do their emotions, then this can create a more solid ground for the relationship to grow and continue to grow upon. You would think that being with someone who is the same element as you is a recipe for success in a relationship, but two of the same things can be too much at the end of the day.
Summary: Is a Scorpio man and a Pisces woman compatible?
Ultimately, this is a relationship with high compatibility, and depending on the two people at hand, it will determine how things unfold here. They have the tools needed to form a sincere, loving, and compassionate relationship but will have to confront each other's differences with the same attitude to work. Once the first challenge or conflict arises in the relationship, how they handle it afterward will determine if the relationship is going to work out or not.
These two are perfect when things are going well, but can be dramatic when they are not. The Pisces woman and Scorpio man can’t get enough of each other at the end of the day, and this will indeed be a relationship that they will never forget.
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