If You’re In A Committed Relationship, Avoid These Sex Mistakes At All Costs
Being careless. Not having enough knowledge. Something being a misunderstanding. Being confused. Things seeming like an illusion or delusion. Neglecting something (or someone). Over or underestimating something (or again, someone). Making a false move. Guess what all of these things have in common? They all define what it means to make a mistake.
Now humor me for a moment. If you're currently in a long-term relationship with someone, first, how's your sex life going? If you're not able to give me a firm "great!", here's my follow-up question—if things could be better in the bedroom department, could a part of it be due to the fact that some mistakes are being made? Are you or yours being careless? Are one of you under the illusion (or delusion) that something is working when it actually isn't? Do one or both of you have a tendency to overestimate the impact you're making on your partner? Yeah, it's not the most comfortable self-reflective kind of conversation to have (even if it's just with yourself), but sex is too important in a relationship to not put some thought into whether you—or they—could possibly be making some pretty serious sexual faux pas.
Mistakes like what? Let's start off with these right here.
1.Being Way Too Predictable
Always at night. Always missionary style. Always in the bed. You see the operative word in those phrases, right? I'd say that when it comes to about half of the couples that I work with, the issue they're having has something to do with sex. And one of the things that comes up the most is how bored one or both of them are. One of the best definitions of bored (as it relates to this topic) is "tedious repetition". When something is tedious, it is monotonous and tiresome. Who wants sex to be like that?!
Whenever I think of boring sex, I think about people who do it, just to say that they did it. There's no creativity. There's no spontaneity. There's no real forethought put into the experience at all. Then sex ends up becoming predictable, stale and even lifeless.
A healthy marriage includes a healthy sex life. The more energy and effort you put into making sex fun and exciting, the more of a reflection that will be on your connection with your spouse overall.
2.Always Expecting the Other to Initiate
Sometimes, I'm tickled when I hear what some wives want. On one hand, they give side-eye to submission (even the Christian ones which is interesting if you check out Ephesians 5:22 and Colossians 3:18) while on the other, they think that a man should be the sole provider and the sexual initiator because "that's a man's job".
No time to get into the blatant contradictions here. I'll just say that when it comes to initiating sex, it should be an equal effort for both parties. That's because both men and women want to feel wanted and like their partner can't wait to jump their bones.
There's a couple I know right now who hasn't had much sex in (count 'em) five years. Whenever I ask either one what the problem is, they say it's that they are waiting for the other to initiate. Five years, y'all. SMH.
3.Not Tending to Each Other’s Emotional Intimacy Needs
A few years back, Durex conducted a sex survey that revealed (surprise, surprise) sex is best between two people who know and trust one another. In other words, sex is the most fulfilling when there is a solid emotional connection established. Thing is, when you're trying to keep your relationship strong, you and your partner may have different needs or similar ones but at different times. What you can know for sure is doing things like becoming fluent in their love language, being affectionate in ways that aren't sexual, going out on dates, showing support and admiration, being open and available to pillow talk, expressing sentiments throughout the day—all of these are examples of doing things to keep you and yours emotionally connected.
Don't assume that just because you and your significant other are official or that you share the same address and/or last name that you're emotionally in a good place. The only way to know for sure is by asking your partner. Do that tonight, if you can.
4.Losing Their Sense of Humor
Surely this isn't a surprise, being that most of us desire a sense of humor in our partner, but did you know research reveals that a part of the reason why we want someone who makes us laugh is because it displays humor, wit and timing? Someone who has a sense of humor also knows how to not take themselves too seriously and are able to bring relief to stress-filled situations.
As far as bedroom action goes, sex tends to be more fun when both people can laugh at each other, themselves and even sex-related slip-ups. And ladies, it also doesn't hurt that (reportedly) the more a man has the ability to make us laugh, the more orgasms he can give us in the process.
Knock knock joke, anyone?
5.Being (Sexually) Selfish
DJ Khaled and Tip Harris. These are the two men who immediately come to mind when I think of men who are sexually selfish. DJ Khaled for that ridiculousness thing he said a few years back about expecting oral sex but not giving it (to his wife, y'all). Tip, not for what he does or doesn't do in his marriage (Tiny gives me the impression she's pretty held down in the bedroom department), but what he once said in a song with Justin Timberlake—I hate to have to cancel my vacation so you can't deny/I'm patient but I ain't gonna try/You don't come I ain't gonna die.
T.I. is a cutie pie; especially back in those days. But ain't nothin' hot, sexy or appealing about a man who only cares about his own pleasure. Unfortunately, this doesn't only happen over radio airwaves. It's going down like this in bedrooms all over the world too. Maybe one day I'll pen an entire piece on sexual selfishness. For now, I'll just say that sex is sooooo much better when both partners get off on their partner getting off; when they are not focused on their orgasm so much as their significant other's.
A person who thinks like DJ Khaled or has Tip's song philosophy is making so many fumbles in the sex department, it ain't even funny. It really isn't.
6.Slipping on the Body Maintenance
Bad breath. Not body-scaping. Skipping out on the pedicures (scratchy feet in bed are the worst!) and smell goods. Yes, when you're in a long-term relationship, your partner should love you just as you are. At the same time, you should respect them enough to want to keep your hygiene and body presentation up.
One of my favorite married sex stories is about a couple where the wife was giving fellatio and the husband was skimping on the cunnilingus. After we had a full-on counseling session about just how selfish/ridiculous he was being, he said he would give doing it more often a shot. Fast forward to about six months later, when I asked how it all was going in that department, the wife was thrilled. I'll never forget what the husband said: "It's a lot easier after the jungle becomes a golf course." Need I say more?
7.Failing to Regularly Try New Things
Kev On Stage and Mrs. Kev On Stage have a series called The Love Hour. Their episode "I'm a Freak. My Spouse Isn't" touched on everything from sexual incompatibility—or "sex drive gap" as they call it—which they believe is very common in marriage to coming up with ways to make the more sexually conservative and/or lower libido partner interested in trying new things (i.e., exploring their spouse's freakier side). It's an hour and a little bit of change long, so if you want to get to the meat of it all, check out 21:00-31:00 then 41:00-48:00 then 52:00-1:05. The appreciated bottom line of the episode is if you want your sex life to not get old, it's important to be willing to try some new things.
8.Having Sex with an Agenda in Mind
Agenda. Sometimes it can be such a dirty word. In the area of sex, I hate it because there are far too many people who make the grave mistake of only engaging in copulation if they are able to get something out of it; and I don't just mean orgasms and intimacy.
Sex is not supposed to be an applied tool of manipulation. It shouldn't be used to get your partner to do (or not do) something. It shouldn't be used as a way to deflect an issue (you misspend money and rather than own it and apologize, you distract them with sex). It shouldn't be used, period.
If the only time sex really interests you is when you want to get—or get out of—something, you are definitely having sex with an agenda. You're also making a huge mistake because you're sending the message that sex is more about control than love. That kind of mentality is something, sooner or later, you will live to regret.
9.Not Making Their Partner Feel Desirable
When Ayesha Curry did her Red Table Talk, she caught quite a bit of backlash for sharing her insecurities (goodness y'all. How are we gonna tell someone what they have the right to be insecure about?!). Kev On Stage's Righteous and Ratchet show provided an interesting male perspective on it all. Anyway, when Ayesha shared that she sometimes wished that men would notice her more, what I took from that is sometimes she struggles with feeling desirable.
I don't think that means she's unhappy in her marriage or that Steph ain't taking care of business in the sex department. I think she meant that most married people remember the butterflies and the feeling of not being able to keep their hands off of their spouse during the beginning stages of their relationship. The flirting, the staring, the wondering if they'll ever come a day when you'll get enough of them. The feeling of insatiable desire.
Newness brings forth one kind of desire. But the acknowledgement that you've got someone who has your back, loves you to hell and back and knows your dirty secrets and habits and still wants to give you the business? That is desire on a whole 'nother level! Do you and your partner project that to one another? It's a big mistake if you don't.
10. “Forgetting” to Make Sex a Top Priority
One of my little love brothers (someone who isn't a blood relative, but I love him as if he were one) recently told me that he was engaged. During our two-hour conversation about it, something that I shared with him is the fact that something singles sometimes underestimate about sex after marriage is how much of responsibility it is. What I mean by that is it's something that should be treated as a top priority because it's a huge part of what keeps a couple emotionally and spiritually connected.
The couples I work with who are seemingly on their last leg, the one thing they all have in common is the sex is seriously slackin'. There's actually one couple I know who've been together for well over 15 years, but they haven't had much sex almost half of that time; they can count how many times on less than two hands and, as far as good sex, they can count that on only one. There is nothing good or even remotely healthy about that.
When something or someone is a priority to you, it means that it (or they) precede other things. It also means that they are given special attention. Since one of the main things that sets marriages apart from all other relationships is the fact that sex is involved, don't make the mistake of sending the message to your spouse that intimacy with them is on the bottom of your list or that you're not willing to set aside time to give it your complete and total undivided attention.
Out of all the sex mistakes you could make, this is probably the biggest—the one that ultimately can lead to a break down in your connection and possible a broken marriage too.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images