A few weeks before my 40th birthday, I went through a societal modern-day two-month relationship with a self-proclaimed alpha male (I know).
I found the Alpha to be more present in his physical than anything else. It was new, fun, and I was content for a while. Until spring arrived, where he blessed me with the illest coup de grace, and dropped me.
Typical that I would feel cheated and realize he was only good for one thing in the end. I was mad and, truthfully, the fear set in that I had settled all because of "Nice" sex. Nice sex was nice, but it couldn't have been the best if I could repeat the dreadful phrase: "Sex is Overrated."
As far as I was concerned, if that was it, I wasn't missing much. But I was bummed at having to go through an elimination process of who was genuine, who was not into games, and honestly, who's hung.
I was approaching 40, I felt like I wasn't getting any younger and if I could look at sex as overrated, then I was apparently missing out. I didn't want to waste another minute, but I didn't want to lose the juice of my petals on a stem that wouldn't grow either. So I accepted it for what it was and fell back on pursuing a relationship.
For me, it was true. Sex really was overrated.
My hiatus was peaceful, and it took awhile for me to entertain new friends of the opposite sex. I knew that regardless of what people say, sex is an integral part of a relationship and I wasn't going to go on a try or buy shopping spree with my vajayjay. She's far too valuable. It was that simple. So, for me, it was true. Sex really was overrated.
I eventually grew lonely for companionship and accepted a birthday date from a guy that had been pursuing me for quite some time. I just turned 40, and felt like if I didn't at least give it another chance, then I wasn't being fair to myself.
My date was handsome, not in an obvious way. But he was tall with a mysterious vibe. Not to mention, intelligent, funny, and a complete gentleman. Almost unheard of these days!
After four dates, the sexual chemistry had boiled over.
That star-filled and magical night, we ended up engaged in a wild bout for control, all while completely naked. I felt like a lioness in the jungle. The fear and excitement of being caught and tamed to submission melted my core. He handled me with care, but not fear. The passion and the height of voice that I thought I could never reach played syllables off of his walls. I was sick with defeat and weak in praise.
That walk of shame was more like a walk of fame.
I felt like a new woman bouncing down to that Uber car with my thong in my purse. You couldn't tell me anything; I was ready for more and I got more. I went back every weekend for six months.
He had become my constant, I didn't even notice the addiction that took place.
There were no inhibitions on my behalf, I was sexually open for him.
Then, of course, happy can't go on that long, and my weekend fix became my weekend memory. Misunderstandings and minor spats had revealed themselves and signified that the relationship had its their course, so we mutually called it quits. Well, he called it quits (the whole truth and nothing but it). I reminisced with wine, popcorn, and pasta for weeks after. Hiding my face and being tortured with memories of soul-shaking, convulsing orgasms and wall piercing screams of pleasure.
I have never been so gone; oh the torture.
For the life of me, I could not understand why something so good, could go so wrong, so quickly. I became eager to replace him and fill that position of weekly pipe fitting, but even a "hello" from another man made me cringe. All I could think of was him. I was done and gone off of this man. Once I found myself searching all of his social media profiles, it was a wrap. The time had come for me to get over my Saturday love, even dropping the requirement for all my future men to be at least ten inches with a curve.
Yes, I was that gone. I tried to clone him.
My rehabilitation process was lengthy, and I took some time to perform the usual soul-searching practices. Friends, self-help books, life, and career distracted me from idle thoughts and put me back on the path. Through it all, he and I were even able to rekindle.
As friends at least.
The next time around, I will be better prepared and I have the hope that I get that second chance. We often speak, and I feel confident that I rocked his world just as much as he rocked mine. I might be able to get that old thing back. I'm biting my lip just thinking about it.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- What You Need to Know About Sex in Your 40s | Reader's Digest ›
- Secrets of Great Sex After 40 | Psychology Today ›
- What Turns Him on Most -- at 25, 35, 45 ›
- 3 tips for a healthy sex life after 40 - YouTube ›
- 15 women share the best things about sex after 40 ›
- Sex After 40: Time for a Sex Audit | HuffPost ›
- How to have a healthy sex life over 40 ›
RELATED
Â
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images
