
Erotic literature, sex stories, freaky tales, whatever you want to call it, most of us have had our fair share of indulging in some pretty sexy stories. Whether you were reading Eric Jerome Dickey back in the day, came across a Reddit sex story thread, or simply listening to a girlfriend talk about a sexual encounter, hearing real sex stories is fun!
Reading erotic fiction gives you the opportunity to pretty much imagine yourself in the scene as you fulfill your unquenched sexual desires. Or maybe even re-imagine the best sex experience you ever had. Either way, you will be surprised how much reading true sex stories or can get you aroused and ready to let all your inhibitions go.
And ladies (and gents), there is no shame in wanting to explore this side of your sexuality. Do you! Here are some of the top real sex confessions submitted to xoNecole.
7 Juicy Real-Life Sex Confessions That Will Leave You Speechless
Here's a quick guide to help you navigate which story might pique your interest the most...keep scrolling for the juicy details.
1. Fantasy Erotica
2. Sex Addict
3. One Night Stand
4. Swingers
5. Masturbation
6. First Orgasm
7. Threesomes
sharon leal love GIFGiphy
1. Fantasy Erotic Sex Stories
"I remember asking him to take me thrifting with him one day, but I ultimately just decided to invite him to come over (because really, who am I kidding?) What was supposed to be catch up and wine down quickly evolved into something more, as he pulled me into his lap after my first glass. His lips grazed my neck, coaxing me to meet his mouth with my own. I was more than ready to succumb to my desire. The motion of one movement to another was like water. I remember laying back on my bed after pulling my shorts down and him lifting my leg to put my toes in his mouth. It tickled and bite back a soft moan, but truth be told, I didn't want him there.
I flipped on my stomach to change the song that played on shuffle, and swiftly he moved to take me from behind, pulling my panties to the side so that he could taste me. Everything about it felt so heightened for some reason. And the bliss that radiated throughout my entire body, sparking a fire on my skin had me absolutely delirious. I didn't think it could be any more intense, but when he entered me, it was like the levees to my euphoria broke. I was underneath his spell, writhing and arching up into him.
Heat and electricity and wetness met to form an explosive harmony as we rocked and rode the rhythm our lovemaking created. I found myself coming undone so many times at the call of his stroke, his chaste kisses, and my desperate hands that marred trails along the length of his back. Further evidence of my pleasure. I came twice before he announced his arrival, and then I came again."
2. Sex Addict Sex Stories
"A few weeks before my 40th birthday, I went through a societal modern-day two-month relationship with a self-proclaimed alpha male that quickly grew into sex addiction. For me, it was true. Sex really was overrated.
I eventually grew lonely for companionship and accepted a birthday date from a guy that had been pursuing me for quite some time. I just turned 40, and felt like if I didn't at least give it another chance, then I wasn't being fair to myself.
After four dates, the sexual chemistry had boiled over. That star-filled and magical night, we ended up engaged in a wild bout for control, all while completely naked. I felt like a lioness in the jungle. The fear and excitement of being caught and tamed to submission melted my core. He handled me with care, but not fear. The passion and the height of voice that I thought I could never reach played syllables off of his walls. I was sick with defeat and weak in praise. The next morning, that awkward walk of shame was a walk of fame for me as I felt like a new woman bouncing down to that Uber car with my thong in my purse.
There were no inhibitions on my behalf, I was sexually open for him. You couldn't tell me anything; I was ready for more and I got more. I went back every weekend for six months."
Goodreads
3. One-Night Stand Sex Confessions
"It was my second trip to Jamaica and I was extremely excited. I went with a group and stayed in these awesome villas. The first time I met our butler, I felt a connection. His accent made me melt. There is something about Jamaica that makes me feel bolder.
On my last day there, I really wanted to see him, so I asked one of the other butlers to find him for me. I was chilling by the pool, waiting to go to the airport and the next thing I knew, I was told that I had a visitor. It was him. We talked, exchanged contact info, and I headed to the airport, only to miss my flight. I didn't care.
I called him to tell him that I missed my flight and when I got back to the villa, he was there waiting for me. He looked so yummy! I was excited and nervous at the same time. He took me out the back way on a golf cart to his villa and he held and kissed my hand the whole ride. I was in heaven. We arrived where he was staying and all inhibitions were out the window.
We had the most amazing sex...in the hot tub, in the bed…I didn't want to leave.
He asked me to stay with him for the night but I didn't want anyone to see me doing the "walk of shame" the next morning, so I had him take me back to my room. We hugged and kissed, and I was happy at that moment. It had been nine months since I had been with anyone and that Jamaican man was JUST what I needed! He showed me respect, kindness, gentleness, and the sex was unforgettable!"
4. Swinger Erotica Sex Story
"Ever since starting my Master's in Human Sexuality I became intrigued with the idea of testing and pushing my boundaries with eroticism. As you may have presumed, this has left me more curious than ever about the kink community. In a desperate search for a play party, I found a seductive swingers club and invited my roommate to come out with me. The minute I walked in, there were rooms on either side of me equipped with makeshift beds and white towels.
At the end of the hall, by the first-level bar, there was a couple having sex ever-so-casually on the lounge chairs. I was exhilarated! We went upstairs and headed over to the bar before cozying up in a middle booth. The first thing I did was scope out the room to find Black people and at first, there was nothing, but as it got a little later, the place became slightly peppered with melanated couples making me lucky as the only single.
As I watched the couple, I remember feeling my clitoris shoot off smoke flares through my pants as I tried to simmer down.
Although I'm never aroused by women giving head in porn, there was something about watching this woman bob and weave on her partner's solid dick that created a tension in my body that could only escape me one way. Doubting myself and what I came for, I kept telling my roommate that I couldn't wait to get home and masturbate. She reminded me that I was more than welcome to do so at the party, a refreshingly new experience to not have to leave the club when you grew too horny of dry humping on the dance floor but I wasn't ready for all of that.
Or so I thought.
I spent another hour watching this couple, playing coy, and making bathroom runs to get their attention before they and another black couple disappeared from the main floor. Still mesmerized by the one couple, I completely disregarded the other, and finally, after coming up for air, the woman asked me if I wanted to join in.
With minimal hesitation, I hopped up and quickly began mimicking oral sex with the same energy she had been giving him just five minutes earlier. I could see why she was so into it and quite frankly, I forgot what it was like to be so attracted to someone that giving head turned me on uncontrollably. After a short while, I was asked to join them in a private room and I did."
5. Masturbation Sex Confessions
"So masturbation is seriously an amazing hobby of mine. I woke up and rolled over to my goody drawer to begin my morning routine of getting a couple of orgasms out of the way before going about my day.
Usually, I'm a pretty quick and to-the-point self-lover but there were moans, sheet grabbing, and real-life seduction as if I wasn't laying in my covers by my damn self. And it was a stomach-piercing feeling that caused me to suck the air from my lungs back in.
My breathing was nonexistent. Hell, I didn't even realize I was holding my breath until the liquid shot out of me. This orgasm was long as hell and very rambunctious. I tried to gain control of the muscles down there but it just couldn't happen.
After I had collected myself, I couldn't even try to manage another out like usual. I got up to begin my day and a big ass wet spot was where I had been, proof that the clitoral stimulator sex toy had just pushed every important person in my life one spot to the left to make room for this!"
6. First Orgasm Sex Story
"Despite what my language might suggest, I was content with sex without orgasms. It always felt like a performative act that if wasn't achieved took a hit to my partner's ego.
In one night he changed my mind about orgasms. He showed me the glory of how it feels to pulsate around someone and writhe through waves of pleasure while touching another person in an act of deep intimacy. It happened so quickly and so effortlessly, without a strategically placed finger or a beckon for it at his lips. It was pure passion and my willingness to surrender to the spotlight I had always shied away from, a spotlight I drew closer to solely because he didn't ask it of me. He got me. He taught me that surrender does not mean I have been conquered.
He taught me that sex was a walk, not a race.
A combination of the sensuality of our act, the intensity, and how perfectly he fit within me made sex feel like nothing I ever felt before. He was like nothing I ever felt before. I let go. He didn't speed up his stroke at my center's fluttering, instead, he kept steady in his movements. Slow, deep, purposeful strokes. My legs were on his shoulders, he bit my calf muscle and moaned in response to feeling me grip around him. 'There we go baby,' he whispered against me. And I fell, surrendered to it and him completely. I was his."
7. Threesome Sex Stories
"Back in undergrad, one of my closest friends also happened to be my roommate. She was going through a bad breakup and after a night of my then-boyfriend and I listening to her whine about it, I randomly said, 'We're going to have sex now. You're welcome to join. That may help get your mind off of things.' With very little hesitation, she asked for 30 minutes to clean herself up (shave and whatnot), and not too long after that we all fucked.
"Having sex with my best friend and my boyfriend for my first threesome was great. Knowing that I trusted them and we all were very familiar with one another definitely made us all more comfortable. I do think my boyfriend was having a mental conflict. He wasn't able to keep a hard-on with my best friend. After the threesome was over, he had to finish in our room with me. The days following were pretty normal. We laughed about it, but there were no awkward moments."
Read more threesome erotic sex stories via…
There is something exhilarating about confessing your kinky sex experience to total strangers, especially anonymously and we love to see it! If you are ready to take things up a notch and get into more visual stimulation, check out these steamy movies that are basically porn on Netflix.
Also, be sure to visit our story archives to indulge in more content around sex. Yes, sexual health counts towards your total wellness and should not be something to shy away from out of embarrassment.
Whatever way you decide to please yourself sexually it is totally up to you. And just know, reading erotic fiction is nothing to be ashamed of at all. No judgment from us!
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'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.
Gross generalizations. Boy, if there’s one thing that social media is good for (other than acting like an opinion is a bona fide fact — SMDH), it’s speaking in gross generalizations. Take some commentary that I recently checked out by a male married influencer (name unnecessary). Although there is quite a bit of his content and perspectives that I appreciate, I did roll my eyes as I watched him share his thoughts on a post by a single woman who was giving relationship advice.
In response, there was something he said that was indeed a gross generalization (and opinion not fact): “Never listen to single women talk about relationships. They’re single.”
I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
The first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
There is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
If someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
Wanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
Ever notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
I believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
I am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
There is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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