Hard. Soft. Hard. Soft. Hard. Soft. It's the familiar dance with a rhythm that has held me captivated since discovering the power of the heather gray sweatpants tease. When a man gets aroused, it's a sight for sore eyes as the full strength of his penis is put on display and the promise of penetration is the beckon you answer to. For that reason, a couple experiencing erectile dysfunction (ED) in their partnership might be feeling some type of way. However, you are not alone.
These days, erectile dysfunction (ED) has been experiencing a major rebrand. Thanks to a surge in young men desiring to last longer during sex and with minimal millennial-friendly ads from brands like Hims and Numan, the use of Viagra and the conversations surrounding erectile dysfunction in men are becoming slightly more normalized. Gone are the days when the use of the blue pill was solely affiliated with old age and impotence. Now, brands like the UK's Viagra delivery service Eddie are proudly touting from the rooftops, "ED isn't an 'old man problem.'" Although some younger men are popping these pills for recreational use by the droves, studies suggest that Eddie's slogan is indeed facts and some use it because they can't maintain an erection.
According to a 2013 study titled "One Patient Out of Four with Newly Diagnosed Erectile Dysfunction Is a Young Man," researchers found that 26 percent of men under the age of 40 are affected by erectile dysfunction. What this speaks to is just how prevalent ED as a condition may be for young people. The good news is, erectile dysfunction is not the death sentence to relationships and intimate connections that you might think it is.
We spoke with sex therapist Dr. Donna, LICSW, M.ED, founder and lead therapist at AnnodRight, who answered some frequently asked questions surrounding erectile dysfunction and how not to allow it to be the downfall of a partnership.
Q: What is erectile dysfunction?
"Erectile dysfunction is a disorder in which a person with a penis may not be able to get or maintain an erection to have/complete (usually penetrative) sex. The cause of erectile dysfunction can be physical ailment, psychological, or both. If it is a physical problem, a doctor may be able to help to get to the root of the issue, and it can be resolved. If it is psychological, a sex therapist can help a client address the problem, and it can also be resolved. However, it has the potential to ebb and flow in a person's life depending on the cause and how well/if it can be fully resolved."
Q: Why can’t my partner get it up?
"Many things can impact a person's ability to get and maintain an erection including nerve or other damage to the penis. There could also be a blood-flow problem, which can be exacerbated by excessive drinking, smoking, etc. Lack of hydration in a person's system can also impact erections because water is necessary to have optimal blood flow—so drink up. Aside from the physical, there can be psychological reasons for not being able to get or maintain an erection. Stress, anxiety, depression, etc. can impact a penis bearers ability to get it up and keep it up."
Q: Should I take the fact that my partner can’t hard personally?
"It should NOT be taken personally if your partner is not able to get or keep it up. It's likely not about you, per se. It might really be that they are worried about pleasing you, so much so, that they cannot get an erection---performance anxiety. If there is a lack of connection in the relationship, that could be a factor, but you can have a conversation with one another and try to resolve the root of the issue."
Q: How can I stop myself from taking their ED personally?
"I have told clients that their partner's issue with getting an erection is not really about them. There are too many factors at play for anyone to be blamed for a partner's flaccid penis. Chances are, when those issues are addressed, they will be standing at attention once again! However, if you are truly concerned that it is you, take the time to have a conversation with your honey and let them know what you have been feeling and thinking."
Q: What are some ways to address the fact that I have an issue with his ED?
"I myself tend to be more direct, but I also recognize having this conversation can feel super sensitive and awkward. So start there! You can say something along the lines of, 'So, I feel really awkward saying this, but I feel like we are tiptoeing around the issue we seem to be having around sex. Are you in a mental space to talk about it right now?' Telling them how you feel with an 'I' statement, and ending with asking if they are ready to talk about it gives them a chance to give their consent to have an open and honest dialogue. It also means they are in a mental space to accept your feedback."
Q: How can I help my partner with erectile dysfunction and engage in physical intimacy without medication?
"Creating a no-pressure sex environment can really help with reducing erectile dysfunction-based performance anxiety. Just explore each others bodies without the pressure or expectation for sex. Sex is a whole lot more than simply penetration. There are a whole bunch of other things that can be done including oral sex, using hands to sexually stimulate, or using toys. Experiment! You might just find something else you really enjoy."
To learn more about Dr. Donna's work or to book an appointment, check out her website here.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
