

While I'm personally not that big on making resolutions at the top of each year, I must admit that it is around the time when I tend to do a lot of self-reflecting; especially when it comes to the habits that are a part of my daily lifestyle and routine. Yeah, habits are a trip because, just like the definition of it states, if you're not paying close attention to the things that you do (and don't do), you might not even realize which practices are unhealthy, counterproductive or even straight-up harmful to your mind, body, spirit or all of the above.
Since habits are involuntary patterns, I figured that there's no time like the present to bring some really popular—and pretty bad—habits up; ones that typically are never broken because they aren't detected as easily or as much as they probably should be. With that being said, something tells me that if you make a point to remove these from your life, 2020 will be calmer, easier and so much more fulfilling than if you don't.
Are you ready to let some bad ish go so that you can start putting into practice what is truly so much better for you? Then commit to no longer participating in the following 10 behavior patterns.
10 Habits To Break Before The New Year
1. Saying “Always” and/or “Never”
When it comes to this first bad habit, I must admit that initially I was going to put down "exaggerating" instead but honestly, since using the words "always" and/or "never" are the way that a lot of us tend to do it, I'll leave the title of this point the way that it is. You might've heard somewhere that "always" or "never" never really happens and, for the most part, that is true. No one is "always" taking advantage of you and it's not the case that things "never" go your way. But if you choose to speak in these kinds of extremes, not only is it a peak form of exaggeration, it can also alter the way that you view reality.
So in 2020, why not only reserve those words for the very—and I do mean very—few times when they actually apply? That way, you'll be able to speak (more) in absolute truths so that you can make decisions from a much clearer perspective.
2. Breaking Promises
A wise person once said, "People with good intentions make promises but people with good character keep them." And just what is a promise? It's "a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one". Y'all, when it comes to one of my absolute favorite people on the planet, sometimes we have conflict and it's really only due to one thing—they make promises and don't keep them. Although they say it's because 1) they are overwhelmed most of the time and 2) they don't want to disappoint me by not making said promise in the first place, when they redundantly break them, it tends to backfire. For one thing, it affects my level of trust in their word and them overall and two, saying "I promise" continues to mean less and less.
The way I see it, adult people are too grown to be using the word "promise" anyway. We need to be mature enough to believe that our word is our bond, period; that if we say we're going to do something—or not do something—that really is all that needs to be said.
But either way, if you have a habit of assuring people that you are going to do—or not do—a certain thing and you don't follow through, commit to building trust and strengthening your bond next year by keeping your word. It's how character is built. It really is.
3. Eating Fast Food
Last summer, I wrote an article entitled "Why You Should Consider Leaving Fast Food Alone". Some of the reasons that I shared included the fact that fast food is bad for your brain, kidneys and even your hair and skin. Although I personally don't think that it's an unpardonable sin to have a burger and fries every once in a while, if you find yourself sitting in a drive-thru three days out of every week, love your body—and budget—enough to do more grocery shopping and food preparation at home. Oh, and also do yourself a favor and check out "We Present: America's 20 Most Unhealthy Fast Food Chains". It just might surprise you what food joints actually made the list. Why sit up here and pay to get sick via your diet? Amen? Amen.
4. Getting Less than 6-8 Hours of Rest. EVERY NIGHT.
Sleep is not a luxury. I repeat—sleep is not a luxury. And that ridiculous quote, "I'll sleep when I'm dead"? Nooooo, you'll be dead when you're dead. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in 3 individuals do not get enough of the z-z-z's that they need. And since sleep deprivation can lead to moodiness, fatigue, a lack of productivity, poor eating habits, a low libido and so much more, if you happen to suffer from any of these things, before you chalk it up to aging or a potential health crisis, ask yourself if you're constantly getting less than six hours every night. If you are, check out our articles like "'Team No Sleep' Is A Ridiculous Concept", "10 Simple & Effective Ways To Improve Your Quality Of Sleep" and "Meet The Mattress That's Reinventing The Way We Rest", then commit to not making anything (except perhaps a newborn) so important that you're walking around here like a zombie. It simply isn't worth it.
5. Investing More in Others than Yourself
One of the most cryptic forms of low self-esteem is when you constantly find yourself making choices that convey that everyone else's needs and wants are far more important than your own. As someone who has a spiritual gift of giving (if you've never taken a spiritual gifts test before and you want to, a test that I really like is found here), I know what it's like to not only give a lot of yourself but even enjoy doing it. But real talk, I used to give so much of my time, attention and resources away without rarely getting anything back in return that it started to make me resentful…and drained…and broke.
What did I do to change that? I made sure that I invested in myself—first. I pampered myself. I made sure to "disconnect" and recharge whenever I started to feel overwhelmed. I set aside a budget that was for no one other than myself and for no other purpose than to do fun and random things. I made time to read, brainstorm and listen to the little girl in me to make sure that she was good. All of this got my all of me to a point and place where I was able to give more freely. All because I made the choice to invest in myself.
There are two definitions of invest that I totally dig; two that I don't think get nearly as many props as they deserve. One is "to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something". Another is "to furnish with power, authority, rank, etc." Whatever it is that you set out to do in 2020, don't forget to fuel your own purpose and to feed your own power. Doing that will benefit you and those around you, in the best way possible, moving forward.
6. Not Guarding Your Heart (in a Healthy and Productive Way)
Guarding your heart is biblical—"Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23—AMPC) What I find to be so impacting about this particular Scripture is it says that life comes from "the center of our emotions" which is the definition of what the heart is. This means that we need to be intentional about who we let into our life because they have the ability to bring out good and bad emotions in us. At the same time, guarding doesn't mean that there should be such a high wall or a metaphorical barbed wire fence up that fear, bitterness or a lack of forgiveness prevents people from ever getting close to us.
At the end of the day, guarding your heart is really all about setting boundaries and honoring them. It's about knowing yourself, your triggers and your desires and needs so well that when someone comes along who unsettles your peace, you know not to let them into the "inner temple" of your feelings or your life, in general. It's not about closing yourself off so much as operating in the wisdom of who to open yourself up to. And yes, safe people do actually exist. Let discernment tell you who they are. That's a habit you won't regret further developing in the upcoming months.
7. Being Consumed by Drama—Online or Off
I'm not on social media. I haven't been for about a decade now and I have absolutely no regrets. But most social platforms even let non-members see what's going on. And if there is one hill that I'm pretty ready to die on, it's the crusade to get Black men and Black women to stop spending (or is it wasting?) so much time putting each other down. I can't tell you how many tweets and posts that I notice, pretty much on a daily basis, that totally degrade both genders. Hmph. Let me tell it, there is some PTSD from slavery that has us doing that because if anything is a superpower, it's how Black people are able to love each other.
Anyway, I try and only peek in to see what's going on a few times a week because I don't want to be consumed by all of that drama and negativity; especially since there are more and more articles creeping up like "New Studies Show Just How Bad Social Media Is For Mental Health" and "11 Ways Social Media Is Ruining Your Physical and Mental Health". So yeah, if you know that social media has you all pent up and upset, resolve to at least fast off of it more often in 2020.
As far as offline drama goes, two quotes express great points about it. One is "If you want to know, ask—don't assume. That's how drama starts." Another is "Don't start drama when you say you hate drama." Toxic people? Drama. Cyclic unhealthy relationships? Drama. Constant chaos? Drama. Nothing comes from drama but more drama. Be super vigilant in leaving all of that behind you next year.
8. Not Physically Detoxing
Here are some pretty telling signs that you need to go on a detox. You're always stressed out. You can't ever seem to get enough sweets. Your skin is a mess. You're constantly tired. Your joints ache. Your hormones are all over the place. You can't seem to sleep straight through the night. You're anxious. Your allergies are getting worse. Your immune system is weak.
If any of these things are a relentless reality for you, you'll be doing your body a real favor if you detox your system. It could come in the form of eating strictly fruits and veggies (and drinking nothing but herbal tea and water) for a couple of weeks. It could be a juice fast, a liver cleanse or a colon cleanse too. Just know that if you could use more energy, you want to reduce bodily inflammation and/or you want your digestive system to be better, detoxing once a season is the way to go.
9. Not Having a Personal and Professional Mission Statement
One bad habit that a lot of us need to break, just as soon as possible, is having a lack of focus. If this has become such an innate part of you that you're not even sure if this personally applies, here are some signs to pay close attention to—you have a hard time making decisions (and sticking to them); you struggle with completing tasks; your plans seem to be all over the place; you can emotionalize yourself in and out of just about anything and/or you constantly feel like you're doing a ton of things but still aren't really getting anywhere.
If that's you, something that can help to better center you is putting together a personal and professional mission statement. It doesn't have to be anything super long or elaborate. Just a couple of paragraphs stating what you want your personal and professional world to look like in the upcoming year. If you've never put one together before, click here for tips on how to make a personal one and here for how to make a professional one.
10. Settling
This is how much we hate the entire concept of settling over here. We've published "Self-Truths That Will Stop You From Settling For Less". We've published "7 Reasons Not To Settle In A Relationship". We've also published "No, Your Standards Aren't Too High As Settling For Crumbs Will Leave You Starved". All of these pieces point to one common belief—we are all too beautiful, valuable and purpose-filled to stay at a job that doesn't appreciate us, in a relationship that isn't going anywhere or around people who don't appreciate what we bring to the table.
It's been my personal experience and observation that settling is birthed out of fear; the fear that if we don't let go of the little that we have now, somehow we'll end up with nothing. 2020 needs to be the year that we break out of that mindset. I don't care if it's a person, place, thing or idea—if it's not bringing out the best in you, if it doesn't confirm all of the positive thoughts you think (or should be thinking) about yourself, and if it doesn't challenge you to accomplish so much more than what you currently are, you—clap—are—clap, clap—settling.
And settling is so beneath you. If you agree, this is the time to release, whatever it is you are settling for, so that you can be free, open and ready for what won't even cause you to settle in the first place. A new decade is on its way. Leave the bad habits behind so that you can receive the good!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Say These Self-Affirmations To Start Your Day On The Right Note
Wake-Up Call: Here's How To Make Your Dreams A Reality
Adopting These Habits Can Totally Change Your Life
10 Bona Fide Hacks To Add More Time To Your Day
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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