10 Habits You Should Break Before The New Year Arrives
While I'm personally not that big on making resolutions at the top of each year, I must admit that it is around the time when I tend to do a lot of self-reflecting; especially when it comes to the habits that are a part of my daily lifestyle and routine. Yeah, habits are a trip because, just like the definition of it states, if you're not paying close attention to the things that you do (and don't do), you might not even realize which practices are unhealthy, counterproductive or even straight-up harmful to your mind, body, spirit or all of the above.
Since habits are involuntary patterns, I figured that there's no time like the present to bring some really popular—and pretty bad—habits up; ones that typically are never broken because they aren't detected as easily or as much as they probably should be. With that being said, something tells me that if you make a point to remove these from your life, 2020 will be calmer, easier and so much more fulfilling than if you don't.
Are you ready to let some bad ish go so that you can start putting into practice what is truly so much better for you? Then commit to no longer participating in the following 10 behavior patterns.
10 Habits To Break Before The New Year
1. Saying “Always” and/or “Never”
When it comes to this first bad habit, I must admit that initially I was going to put down "exaggerating" instead but honestly, since using the words "always" and/or "never" are the way that a lot of us tend to do it, I'll leave the title of this point the way that it is. You might've heard somewhere that "always" or "never" never really happens and, for the most part, that is true. No one is "always" taking advantage of you and it's not the case that things "never" go your way. But if you choose to speak in these kinds of extremes, not only is it a peak form of exaggeration, it can also alter the way that you view reality.
So in 2020, why not only reserve those words for the very—and I do mean very—few times when they actually apply? That way, you'll be able to speak (more) in absolute truths so that you can make decisions from a much clearer perspective.
2. Breaking Promises
A wise person once said, "People with good intentions make promises but people with good character keep them." And just what is a promise? It's "a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one". Y'all, when it comes to one of my absolute favorite people on the planet, sometimes we have conflict and it's really only due to one thing—they make promises and don't keep them. Although they say it's because 1) they are overwhelmed most of the time and 2) they don't want to disappoint me by not making said promise in the first place, when they redundantly break them, it tends to backfire. For one thing, it affects my level of trust in their word and them overall and two, saying "I promise" continues to mean less and less.
The way I see it, adult people are too grown to be using the word "promise" anyway. We need to be mature enough to believe that our word is our bond, period; that if we say we're going to do something—or not do something—that really is all that needs to be said.
But either way, if you have a habit of assuring people that you are going to do—or not do—a certain thing and you don't follow through, commit to building trust and strengthening your bond next year by keeping your word. It's how character is built. It really is.
3. Eating Fast Food
Last summer, I wrote an article entitled "Why You Should Consider Leaving Fast Food Alone". Some of the reasons that I shared included the fact that fast food is bad for your brain, kidneys and even your hair and skin. Although I personally don't think that it's an unpardonable sin to have a burger and fries every once in a while, if you find yourself sitting in a drive-thru three days out of every week, love your body—and budget—enough to do more grocery shopping and food preparation at home. Oh, and also do yourself a favor and check out "We Present: America's 20 Most Unhealthy Fast Food Chains". It just might surprise you what food joints actually made the list. Why sit up here and pay to get sick via your diet? Amen? Amen.
4. Getting Less than 6-8 Hours of Rest. EVERY NIGHT.
Sleep is not a luxury. I repeat—sleep is not a luxury. And that ridiculous quote, "I'll sleep when I'm dead"? Nooooo, you'll be dead when you're dead. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in 3 individuals do not get enough of the z-z-z's that they need. And since sleep deprivation can lead to moodiness, fatigue, a lack of productivity, poor eating habits, a low libido and so much more, if you happen to suffer from any of these things, before you chalk it up to aging or a potential health crisis, ask yourself if you're constantly getting less than six hours every night. If you are, check out our articles like "'Team No Sleep' Is A Ridiculous Concept", "10 Simple & Effective Ways To Improve Your Quality Of Sleep" and "Meet The Mattress That's Reinventing The Way We Rest", then commit to not making anything (except perhaps a newborn) so important that you're walking around here like a zombie. It simply isn't worth it.
5. Investing More in Others than Yourself
One of the most cryptic forms of low self-esteem is when you constantly find yourself making choices that convey that everyone else's needs and wants are far more important than your own. As someone who has a spiritual gift of giving (if you've never taken a spiritual gifts test before and you want to, a test that I really like is found here), I know what it's like to not only give a lot of yourself but even enjoy doing it. But real talk, I used to give so much of my time, attention and resources away without rarely getting anything back in return that it started to make me resentful…and drained…and broke.
What did I do to change that? I made sure that I invested in myself—first. I pampered myself. I made sure to "disconnect" and recharge whenever I started to feel overwhelmed. I set aside a budget that was for no one other than myself and for no other purpose than to do fun and random things. I made time to read, brainstorm and listen to the little girl in me to make sure that she was good. All of this got my all of me to a point and place where I was able to give more freely. All because I made the choice to invest in myself.
There are two definitions of invest that I totally dig; two that I don't think get nearly as many props as they deserve. One is "to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something". Another is "to furnish with power, authority, rank, etc." Whatever it is that you set out to do in 2020, don't forget to fuel your own purpose and to feed your own power. Doing that will benefit you and those around you, in the best way possible, moving forward.
6. Not Guarding Your Heart (in a Healthy and Productive Way)
Guarding your heart is biblical—"Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23—AMPC) What I find to be so impacting about this particular Scripture is it says that life comes from "the center of our emotions" which is the definition of what the heart is. This means that we need to be intentional about who we let into our life because they have the ability to bring out good and bad emotions in us. At the same time, guarding doesn't mean that there should be such a high wall or a metaphorical barbed wire fence up that fear, bitterness or a lack of forgiveness prevents people from ever getting close to us.
At the end of the day, guarding your heart is really all about setting boundaries and honoring them. It's about knowing yourself, your triggers and your desires and needs so well that when someone comes along who unsettles your peace, you know not to let them into the "inner temple" of your feelings or your life, in general. It's not about closing yourself off so much as operating in the wisdom of who to open yourself up to. And yes, safe people do actually exist. Let discernment tell you who they are. That's a habit you won't regret further developing in the upcoming months.
7. Being Consumed by Drama—Online or Off
I'm not on social media. I haven't been for about a decade now and I have absolutely no regrets. But most social platforms even let non-members see what's going on. And if there is one hill that I'm pretty ready to die on, it's the crusade to get Black men and Black women to stop spending (or is it wasting?) so much time putting each other down. I can't tell you how many tweets and posts that I notice, pretty much on a daily basis, that totally degrade both genders. Hmph. Let me tell it, there is some PTSD from slavery that has us doing that because if anything is a superpower, it's how Black people are able to love each other.
Anyway, I try and only peek in to see what's going on a few times a week because I don't want to be consumed by all of that drama and negativity; especially since there are more and more articles creeping up like "New Studies Show Just How Bad Social Media Is For Mental Health" and "11 Ways Social Media Is Ruining Your Physical and Mental Health". So yeah, if you know that social media has you all pent up and upset, resolve to at least fast off of it more often in 2020.
As far as offline drama goes, two quotes express great points about it. One is "If you want to know, ask—don't assume. That's how drama starts." Another is "Don't start drama when you say you hate drama." Toxic people? Drama. Cyclic unhealthy relationships? Drama. Constant chaos? Drama. Nothing comes from drama but more drama. Be super vigilant in leaving all of that behind you next year.
8. Not Physically Detoxing
Here are some pretty telling signs that you need to go on a detox. You're always stressed out. You can't ever seem to get enough sweets. Your skin is a mess. You're constantly tired. Your joints ache. Your hormones are all over the place. You can't seem to sleep straight through the night. You're anxious. Your allergies are getting worse. Your immune system is weak.
If any of these things are a relentless reality for you, you'll be doing your body a real favor if you detox your system. It could come in the form of eating strictly fruits and veggies (and drinking nothing but herbal tea and water) for a couple of weeks. It could be a juice fast, a liver cleanse or a colon cleanse too. Just know that if you could use more energy, you want to reduce bodily inflammation and/or you want your digestive system to be better, detoxing once a season is the way to go.
9. Not Having a Personal and Professional Mission Statement
One bad habit that a lot of us need to break, just as soon as possible, is having a lack of focus. If this has become such an innate part of you that you're not even sure if this personally applies, here are some signs to pay close attention to—you have a hard time making decisions (and sticking to them); you struggle with completing tasks; your plans seem to be all over the place; you can emotionalize yourself in and out of just about anything and/or you constantly feel like you're doing a ton of things but still aren't really getting anywhere.
If that's you, something that can help to better center you is putting together a personal and professional mission statement. It doesn't have to be anything super long or elaborate. Just a couple of paragraphs stating what you want your personal and professional world to look like in the upcoming year. If you've never put one together before, click here for tips on how to make a personal one and here for how to make a professional one.
10. Settling
This is how much we hate the entire concept of settling over here. We've published "Self-Truths That Will Stop You From Settling For Less". We've published "7 Reasons Not To Settle In A Relationship". We've also published "No, Your Standards Aren't Too High As Settling For Crumbs Will Leave You Starved". All of these pieces point to one common belief—we are all too beautiful, valuable and purpose-filled to stay at a job that doesn't appreciate us, in a relationship that isn't going anywhere or around people who don't appreciate what we bring to the table.
It's been my personal experience and observation that settling is birthed out of fear; the fear that if we don't let go of the little that we have now, somehow we'll end up with nothing. 2020 needs to be the year that we break out of that mindset. I don't care if it's a person, place, thing or idea—if it's not bringing out the best in you, if it doesn't confirm all of the positive thoughts you think (or should be thinking) about yourself, and if it doesn't challenge you to accomplish so much more than what you currently are, you—clap—are—clap, clap—settling.
And settling is so beneath you. If you agree, this is the time to release, whatever it is you are settling for, so that you can be free, open and ready for what won't even cause you to settle in the first place. A new decade is on its way. Leave the bad habits behind so that you can receive the good!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Say These Self-Affirmations To Start Your Day On The Right Note
Wake-Up Call: Here's How To Make Your Dreams A Reality
Adopting These Habits Can Totally Change Your Life
10 Bona Fide Hacks To Add More Time To Your Day
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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