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Here's How You Know He Won't Commit To You. Like, EVER.
"The ugly truth is this—when a man says that he doesn't want a relationship, the subtext in that is 'I don't want to be in a relationship with you.'"—Unknown
OK. Deep breath, y'all. Raise your hand if you've been in at least one relationship with a man who you were fully committed to, only to discover that he wasn't fully committed to you. When you stop and replay the entire dynamic in your mind, how did you miss the signs that you were "more in" than he was?
If you think that I'm asking you that to put you on blast, don't. I am the poster child for committing myself to non-committal people. If I were to go really deep into why, I think that growing up in a two-time divorced home played a role in it. Come to think of it, I know it did because whenever my late fiancé and I would argue and I would threaten to break-up, he'd be like, "Why is that always your solution to everything?!" (His parents are still married to this day.) It's because never really saw commitment modeled. What I did see are people who desperately wanted to be loved without really knowing how to get it from their partner. So, that's what the foundation of my hamster-wheel-pattern was all about.
However, after watching a video about a woman who dated a man for 10 years, then, after five months, he up and married someone else, for the sake of sparing others from having our kind of testimony, I thought it'd be a good idea to share some in-hindsight-signs. Ones that clearly depict that, no matter how much you love someone, how long you've been with someone or how hard it might be to face reality about certain things, there is a 90 percent chance that ole' boy isn't going to making a long-term commitment or marry you. Ever. Again, brace yourselves now.
Here's How To Know He Won't Commit To You
He’s Indecisive
I don't know about you, but the men I know, when they want to do something, they find a way with no hesitation. That's why, when a man seems to be so confused, befuddled or whatever other word along those lines about whether they want to be in a relationship or not, I don't really buy it. The combination of experience and observation has taught me that if a guy doesn't know what he wants to do about a particular woman, that usually either means it's a new situation and he needs more time or he's vacillating because he's able to get enough of what he wants without having to invest more on his end—and he's just fine with that. If it's a latter, 8.5 times out of 10, all you're gonna end up doing is wasting your time. Why? Because, as hard as it might be to hear it, indecision is usually its own decision. And the decision is no.
He Keeps a Billion Excuses on Tap
Something I've learned the hard way is a man who is ready for a commitment isn't only open to talking about it; oftentimes, he'll even bring taking things to another level all on his own. He'll ask things like "Where do you see this going?" or "Where would you like us to be a year from now?" (yes ladies, those kinds of men very much so exist). Meanwhile, guys who aren't ready for something serious and long-lasting will act like you're speaking a language they don't understand whenever you bring commitment up. They'll talk about all of the things they want to do first, how much more time they need or why they're not ready to have that kind of conversation, let alone take the kind of steps required to be in a monogamous relationship.
Popular entrepreneur Jim Rohn was really onto something when he said, "If you really want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse." Why we as women think this doesn't apply to commitment-phobic men is beyond me. Because it does. Absolutely so.
You See No Signs of Him Getting into “Husband Mode”
Someone who's a nice guy or even a great date does not automatically indicate that he is husband material or even that he wants to be married (whether it's to you or at all). I know a guy who is amazing, on so many levels. But he has made it abundantly clear that the choices he makes—staying in a small place when he can afford a larger one, buying a motorcycle instead of a larger car, spending money on travel and going out to eat every day rather than saving up—are all about enjoying his single life, with no intention of preparing for a wife or children.
Meanwhile, a man who's in husband mode, he's gonna make plans to at least start the transition from being a bachelor to becoming a fiancé and then a husband. If he wants to wait, it's gonna be because he's saving up money to get a home or an engagement ring. Not only that but he's gonna mention wanting to talk to your family and/or going to premarital counseling. Plus, his world will be adjusted to make more room for you to fit comfortably into it because these are the kinds of things that a husband-to-be does.
He Makes You Feel Guilty for Even Bringing the Topic Up
Guilt trips are the worst; especially when they come from someone who you are emotionally connected to and you feel like you can discuss any and everything with. If your man is open to talking about your family, your friends, your job or your life overall, but the moment commitment or sharing a future comes up, suddenly he's got you feeling like you're pressuring him or being semi-ridiculous for even mentioning those things, that's another flag that you shouldn't ignore.
No woman should feel bad about or embarrassed for wanting to know what a man's intentions for her are. Any guy who makes—or at least tries to make—his lady feel that way is showing indications that he's not interested in making a long-term commitment. And he wants you to feel guilty for trying to change his mind.
Meanwhile, If You Never Brought Up Marriage, It Would Never Come Up
People tend to talk about things that they actually are interested in doing. Think about it. When your man wants to check out a new live venue, doesn't he say it? How about a restaurant on the other side of town or even a city that he wants to visit on y'all's next vacation? OK, now think about the state of your relationship with him. If you never asked, would he ever mention it? Hmm…
I have a male friend who's been married for a couple of decades now. He was really young when he got married, but he said that when he saw his now-wife for the first time, even though he didn't think he was ready for marriage, what he was also sure of was that he couldn't let her get away. So, he didn't. And he made sure that he let her know, very early on, that he had every intention in the world to make her his wife.
I'm not saying that if you've been seeing a guy for several months now and the words "exclusive" or "marriage" hasn't come up that they never will. What I am advising is you not mention them for a couple of months and see what happens. If the answer is absolutely nothing, well…yeah. You feel me?
He’s Fully Content with Things Remaining Just as They Are
Living in the moment. If a lot of us women were really real with ourselves, we'd admit that we could do better in this area. Sometimes, we're so caught up in—if not full-on obsessed over—what's coming next that we don't enjoy what's happening now. But it's one thing for your man to be relishing in the moments of just being with you (as he should). It's another for months or even years to go by and he doesn't seem to show any desire to do anything more than what the two of you currently are doing.
How does this happen? Sometimes it's our fault because we pretty much act like the wife without actually being one (check out "Why You're Always the One Who Prepares a Man for His Wife"). Then sometimes we make the grave error of mistaking patience for stagnation (check out "The Important Reason You Shouldn't Wait to Be Chosen"). Sometimes, we're waiting for him to bring up what's next even though he's not in the relationship by himself, so it's perfectly fine—encouraged even—to speak up.
I don't know about you, but there's not one man in my life who has a problem with speaking their mind when it comes to getting what they want. So, why we want to make excuses or exceptions for them when it comes to us, that's unfortunate.
You deserve to have what you want. If you want more and he's fine with the way things are and—get this—he doesn't speak on not being fine for the foreseeable future, rather than looking for signs of whether he's going to commit to you or not, maybe you should look for ways to detach from him.
Then maybe, just maybe, you'll be the kind of woman who dated a guy for a while, ended it and then met and married the love of your life shortly after. How did it flip? Because, unlike the guy that you're currently with, "future dude" actually wanted and was ready for a commitment and dated you with that life plan in mind. Funny how that works (wink).
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."