What It Means When A Guy Says He Doesn’t Like 'Titles'
These days, dating someone and making the decision to commit can be trickier than we anticipated, for both men and women. In this day and age, it's a lot different than the cute folded piece of paper you pass in grade school checking the 'Yes' or 'No' box answering the question, "Will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?" We can also agree that the type of title we want for our relationships have changed over time too. How we go about titles are way more fluid and is now based on preferences, lifestyles, and honestly to protect ourselves from past experiences. But, it is still a fact that titles are alive and well and they mean something to all of us.
I know, for me, as a woman, I like titles for my relationships. I am not ashamed to say that I have had my moments saying these exact words, "So, what are we?" But what do you do when the guy you are dating is not on board with the title train? While I can assume all day why a guy would not want to put a title on it, I decided to talk to the source. I asked twelve of my brothas from far and wide to answer a few questions on titles and get to the bottom of why committing to a woman is something that is or isn't on the agenda.
Disclaimer: For the sake of privacy, some men have asked to stay anonymous for this interview.
What does it mean when a guy says he “doesn’t like titles” to a woman he’s dating?
Donaray, 31 – "For me, I would know. If I like a woman, I would give myself the proper space to get to know her. So even if a guy says he doesn't like titles or doesn't know if he wants to commit, subconsciously, he knows. Us men genuinely don't want to play around with a woman's emotions. If you put a title on things too early and it doesn't play out well, it's almost like playing with someone's emotions. So saying 'I don't want to put a title to it' is like a safety precaution."
Anonymous, 30 – "Some people really just don't like titles. The guy could be ready for a relationship but feels that titles get in the way. He may be coming from [the fact] that he doesn't need the title of 'boyfriend' to treat a woman special or a certain type of way. That may just not be his thing."
Mike, 32 – "I think when a guy says he doesn't like titles, it can mean he wants to keep his options open. Some people do not believe in commitment, but they want the benefits of a relationship without having to commit. Past examples of how they view love can play a factor into that."
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"I think when a guy says he doesn't like titles, it can mean he wants to keep his options open. Some people do not believe in commitment, but they want the benefits of a relationship without having to commit. Past examples of how they view love can play a factor into that."
Has there ever been a point in your life where you weren’t into giving titles to a relationship?
BK, 28 – "When I've said it, I think I just wasn't ready. I wasn't ready because I just had no idea what putting a title on it actually meant. I didn't know what I would be signing up for, so I wasn't going to be successful. I would've automatically started to get into something haphazardly. Growing up, I understood relationships from what I saw on TV. The guy is doing everything he can to make the girl happy. Not really thinking about how miserable that must be for the guy. So I'm thinking, if I'm spending all this time and money just to keep her happy, then at what point do I get poured into? It just messed up my perception. Now I know, relationships are built on beautiful moments, even the small ones."
Steven, 29 – "I'm a guy that wears his heart on his sleeve. If I want to be with somebody, I am actively saying I want this commitment and I want there to be a title with it. There was a time when I was dating a woman and I wasn't ready to make it official at that time. I didn't specifically say I didn't want a title. When she told me that she wanted me to be her boyfriend, I didn't say 'no' but I didn't say 'yes'. I kind of brushed it off."
Cory, 32 – "When I was younger, if you asked me to put a title on a relationship, I would get freaked out. I had trust issues and I didn't want anyone to hurt me. I wasn't ready mentally and I had insecurities. I felt a title would add more pressure where I have to do everything right and I can't make any mistakes."
How do you feel about titles when it comes to your own relationship?
BK, 28 – "I think a monogamous marriage is in my wheelhouse just as much as an open relationship or life partner. I'm not big on possession. I feel like titles at times creates this idea that 'you're mine, you belong to me.' Honestly, I don't ever want to feel like I belong to anyone. I believe people should be experienced and titles, when used as a mandate, cuts you off from getting to know people that could really make an impact in your life."
Jeremy, 26 – "I don't have a problem with titles for my relationship. I actually prefer it that way. I feel most men, if they are really interested in a woman, they wouldn't have a problem with titles. The same way women do not want us out here talking to anybody else, we feel the same exact way about the woman that we like."
Hasani, 28 – "I'm not a huge proponent on titles. It's because of the expectations that comes with it. Once that title is reached, sometimes the flow of the relationship doesn't continue. I believe everything has to flow naturally and not forcing anything by putting a title on it. But I understand people need that for reassurance."
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"Honestly, I don't ever want to feel like I belong to anyone. I believe people should be experienced and titles, when used as a mandate, cuts you off from getting to know people that could really make an impact in your life."
Why do you think a title might be important to the overall flow of a healthy relationship?
Donaray, 31 – "Titles define things. There's no ambiguity when there's a title. There's a lot of mystery without a title and people don't deserve that. It's a busy world out here, where we gotta deal with so much stuff. Why would I want to deal with bullshit in my intimate connections too by not putting a title on it?"
DeAndre, 29 – "I honestly don't think it is important. If there is a mutual understanding of how you feel towards that person, I don't think you need that. If I had to put value on titles, it helps people know who they are to someone. People have ideas of what a girlfriend or boyfriend is. My idea of what a boyfriend is could be different from your idea of what that is. So if we have clear communication upfront, I don't see the point in a title."
Rashaun, 27 – "I think for some people titles brings that clarity. Titles can help set a precedence and lets the people involved establish a direction that the relationship is going. Titles also come with the obligation of trying to make the other person happy. But in a relationship, yes you can contribute to someone's happiness, but in its essence, it is not your job to make your partner happy. You still have to be individuals, whether you have a title or not."
Does a title make or break a relationship?
Sean, 28 – "I think for some people not putting a title on something allows you more room for error. I can mess up more or the other person can mess up and I'm telling myself that I won't be as hurt because we don't have a title. But that's not reality. Feelings are still going to develop and you can build as many walls as you can. You are still affected by that person's actions regardless if there is a title."
Anonymous, 30 – "A title is powerful, but a title alone doesn't hold weight. It's really about the connection you have. Look at real estate, you have titles or deeds on a house. You can get the title to the house, that's cool. But if the foundation isn't solid and the floors are uneven or there's cracks in the concrete, you get an idea of how much love was put into it. A title is just a word to me. It's about the love that's put into the relationship that's important, before the title."
Steven, 29 – "Titles can put a level of pressure on your relationship. But from my perspective, I don't mind a title because I date with intention. Even after my divorce, I still desire a strong relationship with a title. I think a title can make your relationship with the right person and break your relationship with the wrong person."
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"A title is powerful, but a title alone doesn't hold weight. It's really about the connection you have. Look at real estate, you have titles or deeds on a house. You can get the title to the house, that's cool. But if the foundation isn't solid and the floors are uneven or there's cracks in the concrete, you get an idea of how much love was put into it. A title is just a word to me. It's about the love that's put into the relationship that's important, before the title."
What do you think is the most important attribute that calls you to invest in a relationship with a woman, giving her the title/commitment?
BK, 28 – "I think energy because you can recognize this is a person you can talk to and have fun with. Whether that's on a date or just in the crib tweakin'. Having the opportunity to date someone that's just as fun as you are is a great feeling."
Sean, 28 – "I like consistency and a woman who is considerate. I look at the potential and if you are willing to learn more with growth."
Donaray, 31 – "I look for the message a woman carries in the world. That's important to me because that same message is what's going to be passed down to my child. I look for a woman that would be a good teacher for my children."
Anonymous, 29 – "I like a woman that can control the room. She can walk in and it's all eyes on her. She brings a confidence and humble energy with her. That's an attribute I pay attention to."
Anonymous, 30 – "I like a woman that listens to me to truly understand me versus coming up with her own assumptions of who I am. That is super attractive."
Chuks, 29 – "Given that relationships are huge investments, I carefully study who to invest with; if I don't see myself building a future with a lady, I don't bother wasting her time and mine playing games."
Steven, 29 – "I like a faith-driven and independent woman. A woman who doesn't need me to do everything for her. A woman that can handle her own is super sexy to me."
Jeremy, 26 – "I look at a woman's moral compass. Finding someone with a similar moral compass as mine, it tells you so much about their character."
Cory, 32 – "I'm not a guy that asks for a whole lot. As long as a woman is confident in who she is and she has goals for herself, then I'm with it."
Hasani, 28 – "For me, the most important thing is being present. My love language is quality time, so being there and being considerate about what I go through and giving me what I need is super big."
Rashaun, 27 – "I honestly don't know. I have been dating with intent, but that one specific thing that gives me that feeling, I haven't come across that yet. What I am usually attracted to is a woman who is hospitable and who is open-minded."
DeAndre, 29 – "The same thing I am looking for in a wife. Someone I can build and grow with. Someone that can be a partner and keep our goals alive, whether I'm here on this earth or not."
Mike, 32 – "Definitely a woman that is driven to work towards something. I also like to see a woman that has a strong sense of community. I'm a social person, so I need someone who also appreciates building something much bigger than yourself."
Featured image by Shutterstock
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'K' is a multi-hyphenated free spirit from Chicago. She is a lover of stories and the people who tell them. As a writer, 9-5er, and Safe Space Curator, she values creating the life she wants and enjoying the journey along the way. You can follow her on Instagram @theletter__k_.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
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