If A Relationship Has No Title, Does It Even Exist?
"What are we?"
A question that is asked many times as a way to validate a relationship. Sometimes it seems as if having a title is more vital than defining the relationship itself. But I guess it can be justified because everyone else has a title right? My sister, my brother, my cousin, my friend––all titles we were born into or naturally occurred––yet, being in a mutually beneficial relationship with a friend is not enough. He has to be "my boyfriend".
There's no way I'm spending all this time and being intimate with someone without a definition of who we are together. I need to make sure that he knows he's my man so he's not out here entertaining other women. He needs to know that he's mine and only mine because I don't share anything!
And that's the type of thinking that makes us forceful in getting a title. We make it a big deal early-on, not taking into consideration his personality or feelings about the situation.
We just know what we want and we're going to get it.
For example, James. After talking for months, in casual conversation, he mentions that we were a couple. It was cute, I'm not gon' front, but I was so extra that I told him not to call us a couple because he never formally asked me to be his girlfriend. He thought it was the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard but I was persistent. So an hour or two later, he finally decided to grant me my wish and ask me. I don't know why I needed to be asked that question even after he already said we were a couple.
Maybe it was the pressure from my friends and family who constantly saw us together and kept asking me if he was my boyfriend. I think I was tired of not having an answer or feeling as if "he's my friend" wasn't enough for them. Either way, I needed a title from him and I got it. We were together for about three or four years, give or take, with a few breakups in between.
And then there was Shawn, who asked me to be his girlfriend within a week and had no reservations about letting his friends know he had a "woman". Only my roommates at the time and my sister knew about him because I vowed to never tell my family or friends about a potential partner until we reached the three-month mark. Well, here we are at three months, and just as I'm returning home from my annual cousins' weekend in Boston, I realize that I've been ghosted. Three days pass by and finally, Shawn sends me a text saying we should break up because we don't make time for each other. Needless to say, we never spoke to each other again. Meanwhile, I am still friends with James to this day.
Even though the coupledom of Shawn and I was short-lived, I learned that having a title early-on and meeting the family doesn't solidify the relationship. The connection you have with your partner is more important than showing people that you finally have someone.
We should have taken our time, I see that now, but I was just so eager to have someone that I didn't take a moment to think things through.
Those guys were completely different in every way. One was meticulous with making decisions and did not like feeling owned or possessed by someone (which was his reasoning for not seeing the big deal in titles). The other yearned for that possession and assigned a title instantly to secure me, to make it known that I belonged to him and no one else.
The way I see it, having a relationship with someone is deeper than "what are we?". The understanding between two people holds more weight than the title you place on the relationship for the sake of introduction.
I've learned to enjoy the company around me. Someone I love spending time with can just be a positive energy that I gravitate to. A higher vibration that matches mine or simply pulls me to be on the same frequency. I want to experience someone for a good length of time without feeling like I need to slap on a title. I want comfort. I want peace.
This article was originally published on TheJayElle.
Featured image by Shutterstock.
Jessica is a 30-year-old Belizean Immigrant now living in Virginia. Her passion for telling her stories stems from releasing the reserved young girl she use to be. Giving a piece of herself through her writing, she hopes her words can resonate with her readers no matter the age. Her mantra is to live without fear, as fear is the only thing holding us back from our greatest potential. She strives to debunk her fear of failure by diving head first into starting all of her dreams. Writing was the first but it won't be the last.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images