

“You don't know how to be a woman."
Those were the words an ex expressed to me during an argument out of frustration. In his opinion, I was too much of an “alpha woman." When I asked him what that meant, he responded with the flat response: “It's not my responsibility to teach you."
I think it takes a lot to shock me, but I was genuinely shocked by that comment. The shock was not only in him having the audacity to fix his lips to say those words to me, but also in the fact that I, no matter how I tried my damnedest to be “my authentic self," my boyfriend had his own ideas of what defines a woman.
In my efforts to be a “better woman," I tried to explore whatever ideas he had for me, reaped up on “what it means to be a woman," “how to keep a man," and other literature learning about what other people thought I should be.
I actually wanted to understand his thinking and to see if he was right, and if something was “wrong with me."
Now let's think about this: what business does a man have telling a woman how to be a woman? No matter how many women he grew up around or how in touch with his feminine self he might be, a man doesn't know what it means to be a woman.
Up until the age of 26, I had always been attached to male energy in a romantic sense. Even though I never realized it until a long period of choosing to be single, I found my confidence and sense of validation within the context of these relationships. Realizing such a truth was initially so debilitating, that when I chose to be alone, I had to relearn how to validate my own self.
How could a woman who seemed so confident and self-assured have to go through a process of validating her own self? Because I, like many women, had the problem of looking at myself through the eyes of whomever I was in a relationship with at the time, instead of through my own eyes.
With space and time alone, I realized this process of validation that we have is often due to a skewed and unhealthy sense of womanhood imparted on us by our upbringing and peer groups.
The Warning Signs
- You change the way you look because that's what he prefers.
- You give up time with your friends, loved ones, and doing things that previously made you happy because you want to make sure he knows you care.
- There are values that mean a lot to you, that you compromise on, in hopes that he will one day be on the same page as you.
- You tend to get depressed or feel low esteem if he does not acknowledge your efforts.
- If a relationship does not work out, you feel high levels of guilt.
- When you have a disagreement or he gets mad, you often ask, what's wrong with me? Now of course we must be accountable for our actions, but we can't always be responsible for other people's reactions.
- You don't feel attractive unless men compliment you.
- You don't feel like you're a suitable partner, unless you're in a relationship.
- When the topic of your goals and hobbies come up, you feel the need to succumb to pressure if he believes you shouldn't be doing them.
- You believe your man completes you, you would be nothing without him, or a large portion of your confidence is centered around how good of a girlfriend/mate/partner/fiancée you can be.
Although these signs are more applicable to women who are unmarried, it can be applied to women of all walks of life with issues of self-perception dependent on the men in their lives. As a woman, I realize it's very common for women to define their womanhood and femininity based on how they're received from others, especially from men. It took me three years to own this truth, give it up, and walk away from that pressure.
When we're in relationships and aren't secure in ourselves, we unknowingly look to define ourselves according to the state of the relationship, be it healthy or unhealthy. Now if you feel like your sense of self is pretty clear outside of a relationship, and while in a relationship you learn to still connect to yourself and maintain a sense of your own identity, you probably have healthy relationships.
For those who have challenges with obtaining healthy relationships, one of the biggest problems comes when you are living out these ideals and looking to your partner for validation, but instead they critique, criticize, belittle, ignore, or even betray you. When those actions are present in any relationship, one will lean on the consideration that they're not good enough and that something is wrong with them.
If you're being what you believe is your best self and someone is not responding in a way that may be ideal or healthy for that matter, it can shake you up, and be a punch to your esteem. Not only that, but if you're not clear of who you are, you work tirelessly to obtain the approval of someone who will never see your worth, leading you down a very dark path.
It's dangerous to mold yourself to fit in anyone's box, especially if it's a box you're trying to fit in to get the love and affection you so deeply desire. We weren't meant to fit in a box.
We were designed to be unique and serve our individual purposes. We are all unique and feeling the need to define ourselves by other people's standards and ideals, if they are actually not aligned with us, is essentially a state of imprisonment. When your identity is tied to anyone outside of yourself, you threaten the beauty and uniqueness of your existence. Our identity and sense of self or worth becomes arguable and malleable, depending on whatever is going on or whoever is in our life. When those possessions, people and titles are gone, so is our sense of self.
For someone like me, who has spent a lot of time being in and out of relationships, it can be tough to define yourself for yourself because you automatically attach your identity to that of your partner. You are not who someone decides for you to be. You are who you believe yourself to be.
Recovery
Right now, I am so single. And, despite the fact that I appreciate and honor the beauty of a romantic relationship, I am grateful that it's been an interesting and well-traveled journey getting to know and fall in love with myself.
I had to discover beauty for myself.
I had to discover confidence for myself.
I had to discover womanhood for myself.
I know a lot of women who sacrifice getting to know and love themselves for the “privilege" of being the woman that a man “selects."
Relationships can be beautiful mirrors that offer reflections of our most hidden selves. In relationships, we can discover depths within ourselves that lay dormant. Our partners can bring out the best in us, and make us realize what areas of ourselves need work.
In our relationships, we hope to grow and evolve. At times, relationships can be difficult, challenges and situations can stretch us past our comfort zones. So love yourself and stay in a relationship with yourself, as you connect with and share your best with anyone who comes in your life thereafter.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Relationship Timeline
Sterling K. Brown and Ryan Michelle Bathe are one of our favorite Hollywood couples. We can't get over their adorable moments together on the red carpet and on social media. While they're both from St. Louis, they didn't meet until college, which they both attended Stanford. And the rest is as they say, history. Read below as we dive into their decades-long relationship.
Mid to Late1990s: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Meet
Sterling and Ryan met as freshmen at Stanford University. "We were in the same dorm freshman year...that's kind of how we met," Ryan said in an interview with ET. "I was mesmerized," she said after watching him audition for the school play, Joe Turner's Come and Gone. Sterling revealed that The First Wives Club star was dating someone else, so they started off as friends.
"She got cast in the play as well, and we would ride bikes to rehearsal, and we would just talk. We found out that we were both from St. Louis. We didn't know that we were both from St. Louis, like, our parents went to rival high schools. We were born in the same hospital. Like, we were friends," he said.
The first few years of their relationship involved many breakups and makeups. However, they ended up graduating and attended NYU's Tisch Grad Acting Program together.
Early 2000s: Sterling K. Brown Tells Ryan Michelle Bathe She's 'The Love Of My Life'
The Paradise star opened up about telling Ryan that she was the one. "We broke up for three and a half years before we came back into each other's lives," he said. "She was on the treadmill working out, and I had this epiphany, 'I have to go tell this woman she's the love of my life.'"
"I go to her apartment, I tell her, and she's like, 'Well, I'm working out right now,' and I was like, 'No, I can see that—I'll just talk to you while you're on the treadmill,' and she's like, 'Well, I feel like going outside. So I'm gonna go on a run,'" he continued. "So I'm like dressed [in a suit], and she starts running through Koreatown, and I start running along with her. Brother had to work, but it was well worthwhile."
2006: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Tie The Knot
The St. Louis natives eloped in 2006 and a year later held a larger ceremony. According to the bride, the best part of their wedding was the food. "The best thing about it was the food," she told ET.
"Can I just say, sometimes you go to weddings, and you get the winner-winner chicken dinner and you're like, 'I pay. OK, it's fine.' But I wanted people to remember their experience -- their culinary experience. So I was happy about that. The food was good."
2011: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Welcome Their First Child
In 2011, Sterling and The Endgame actress welcomed their first son, Andrew. In a 2017 tweet, Sterling revealed they had a home birth. "An unexpected home delivery is something my wife and I went through ourselves with our first born, so this was round 2 for me!" he wrote while referring to a scene involving his character Randall, in This Is Us.
2012: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Appear On-screen Together
A year later, the couple acted together on the Lifetime series Army Wives.
2015: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Welcome Their Second Child
In 2015, Sterling and Ryan welcomed another son, Amaré. Sterling shared an Instagram post about their latest addition to the family. "1st post. 2nd child. All good! #imoninstagram," the Atlas star wrote.
2016: Ryan Michelle Bathe Joins Sterling K. Brown On 'This Is Us'
Ryan guest appears on her hubby's show, This Is Us.
Sterling K. Brown Reveals Ryan Michelle Bathe's Mother Didn't Like Him At First
During their sit-down interview for the Black Love series, Sterling revealed that Ryan's mother wasn't a fan of him, which caused friction in their relationship.
2024: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Explain How Jennifer Lopez Once Broke Them Up
While visiting The Jennifer Hudson Show, Sterling and Ryan share their hilarious Jennifer Lopez break-up story. "We had just gone out, we were living in New York City, we were in grad school, and we had gone to see a Broadway play and we came back to my place and my roommate was playing the ["Love Don't Cost A Thing"] video on MTV," Sterling said.
"Now I'm a fan of Jennifer Lopez's dancing, and I was watching the video and I knew my young...21, 22-year-old girlfriend was looking at me watch the video. And I know I'm not supposed to have a reaction. In trying NOT to have a reaction, what had happened was, my eyes began to water."
Ryan jumped in, "Otherwise known as, TEARS! I turn around and my boyfriend is weeping, tears like big fat [tears]. And I'm looking and she's just a shakin' and a shimming, and he's just crying. I said 'Oh no, I got to go.' "
2024: Sterling K. Brown & Ryan Michelle Bathe Launch Their Podcast, We Don't Always Agree
The couple launched their podcast, We Don't Always Agree, where they disclose more intimate details about their love story.
Feature image by Chelsea Lauren/Shutterstock