“You don't know how to be a woman."
Those were the words an ex expressed to me during an argument out of frustration. In his opinion, I was too much of an “alpha woman." When I asked him what that meant, he responded with the flat response: “It's not my responsibility to teach you."
I think it takes a lot to shock me, but I was genuinely shocked by that comment. The shock was not only in him having the audacity to fix his lips to say those words to me, but also in the fact that I, no matter how I tried my damnedest to be “my authentic self," my boyfriend had his own ideas of what defines a woman.
In my efforts to be a “better woman," I tried to explore whatever ideas he had for me, reaped up on “what it means to be a woman," “how to keep a man," and other literature learning about what other people thought I should be.
I actually wanted to understand his thinking and to see if he was right, and if something was “wrong with me."
Now let's think about this: what business does a man have telling a woman how to be a woman? No matter how many women he grew up around or how in touch with his feminine self he might be, a man doesn't know what it means to be a woman.
Up until the age of 26, I had always been attached to male energy in a romantic sense. Even though I never realized it until a long period of choosing to be single, I found my confidence and sense of validation within the context of these relationships. Realizing such a truth was initially so debilitating, that when I chose to be alone, I had to relearn how to validate my own self.
How could a woman who seemed so confident and self-assured have to go through a process of validating her own self? Because I, like many women, had the problem of looking at myself through the eyes of whomever I was in a relationship with at the time, instead of through my own eyes.
With space and time alone, I realized this process of validation that we have is often due to a skewed and unhealthy sense of womanhood imparted on us by our upbringing and peer groups.
The Warning Signs
- You change the way you look because that's what he prefers.
- You give up time with your friends, loved ones, and doing things that previously made you happy because you want to make sure he knows you care.
- There are values that mean a lot to you, that you compromise on, in hopes that he will one day be on the same page as you.
- You tend to get depressed or feel low esteem if he does not acknowledge your efforts.
- If a relationship does not work out, you feel high levels of guilt.
- When you have a disagreement or he gets mad, you often ask, what's wrong with me? Now of course we must be accountable for our actions, but we can't always be responsible for other people's reactions.
- You don't feel attractive unless men compliment you.
- You don't feel like you're a suitable partner, unless you're in a relationship.
- When the topic of your goals and hobbies come up, you feel the need to succumb to pressure if he believes you shouldn't be doing them.
- You believe your man completes you, you would be nothing without him, or a large portion of your confidence is centered around how good of a girlfriend/mate/partner/fiancée you can be.
Although these signs are more applicable to women who are unmarried, it can be applied to women of all walks of life with issues of self-perception dependent on the men in their lives. As a woman, I realize it's very common for women to define their womanhood and femininity based on how they're received from others, especially from men. It took me three years to own this truth, give it up, and walk away from that pressure.
When we're in relationships and aren't secure in ourselves, we unknowingly look to define ourselves according to the state of the relationship, be it healthy or unhealthy. Now if you feel like your sense of self is pretty clear outside of a relationship, and while in a relationship you learn to still connect to yourself and maintain a sense of your own identity, you probably have healthy relationships.
For those who have challenges with obtaining healthy relationships, one of the biggest problems comes when you are living out these ideals and looking to your partner for validation, but instead they critique, criticize, belittle, ignore, or even betray you. When those actions are present in any relationship, one will lean on the consideration that they're not good enough and that something is wrong with them.
If you're being what you believe is your best self and someone is not responding in a way that may be ideal or healthy for that matter, it can shake you up, and be a punch to your esteem. Not only that, but if you're not clear of who you are, you work tirelessly to obtain the approval of someone who will never see your worth, leading you down a very dark path.
It's dangerous to mold yourself to fit in anyone's box, especially if it's a box you're trying to fit in to get the love and affection you so deeply desire. We weren't meant to fit in a box.
We were designed to be unique and serve our individual purposes. We are all unique and feeling the need to define ourselves by other people's standards and ideals, if they are actually not aligned with us, is essentially a state of imprisonment. When your identity is tied to anyone outside of yourself, you threaten the beauty and uniqueness of your existence. Our identity and sense of self or worth becomes arguable and malleable, depending on whatever is going on or whoever is in our life. When those possessions, people and titles are gone, so is our sense of self.
For someone like me, who has spent a lot of time being in and out of relationships, it can be tough to define yourself for yourself because you automatically attach your identity to that of your partner. You are not who someone decides for you to be. You are who you believe yourself to be.
Recovery
Right now, I am so single. And, despite the fact that I appreciate and honor the beauty of a romantic relationship, I am grateful that it's been an interesting and well-traveled journey getting to know and fall in love with myself.
I had to discover beauty for myself.
I had to discover confidence for myself.
I had to discover womanhood for myself.
I know a lot of women who sacrifice getting to know and love themselves for the “privilege" of being the woman that a man “selects."
Relationships can be beautiful mirrors that offer reflections of our most hidden selves. In relationships, we can discover depths within ourselves that lay dormant. Our partners can bring out the best in us, and make us realize what areas of ourselves need work.
In our relationships, we hope to grow and evolve. At times, relationships can be difficult, challenges and situations can stretch us past our comfort zones. So love yourself and stay in a relationship with yourself, as you connect with and share your best with anyone who comes in your life thereafter.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
'Boomeranging': 4 Signs It's Okay To Rebound To Your Old Job
Stories like Nelly and Ashanti's second go 'round at love prove that wanting that old thang back isn't always a bad thing. And this even applies to jobs. Recent research shows that 43 percent of people who resigned during the Great Resignation in early 2021 admitted they were "better off at their old job," and 41 percent felt they "quit their job too quickly." Other reports show that about a quarter of employees “boomeranged” to their old jobs voluntarily last year.
But just like in relationships, there are key things to consider before going back to a former employer. I mean, there was indeed a reason you left, so going back might be one of the worst mistakes you've made—twice.
Let me help you out with this one. Here are four major signs it's a good idea to rebound or "boomerang" to your old job:
1. There's new management.
This is one of the most important signs that going back to an old job is a good idea. If you left the job due to toxic, inexperienced, or burned-out management, you might have a better experience with new people in leadership. At least you can start over to build a fresh perspective and connection. A 2019 study found that 57 percent of professionals have left a job because of their manager, and 14 percent have left multiple jobs because of their managers.
Schedule an informative coffee or virtual meeting with an HR professional at your old company or have lunch with a former colleague to get a sense of the new management.
If you don't really have those types of ties to your old job, keep tabs on their latest developments by following their company's LinkedIn page, setting up Google alerts, or checking for news releases about updates from the company.
2. You can take on a role you'd wanted previously but couldn't get back then.
Budgets change along with the times, so maybe this time around, there's room to pay you what you're worth in a higher position. Check job boards, LinkedIn, or other online platforms to see what opportunities are now available, and utilize the experience you once had at the company to sell why you'd be perfect for that role. Harvard Business Report found that 28% of “new hires” were boomerang hires who had resigned within the last 36 months last year. It also found that boomerang employees were more likely to be managers than non-managers.
3. They're finally offering remote or flex schedules.
If you left because you wanted to prioritize time with your children, you felt like you didn't get enough time off after childbirth, or you need to take care of elder family members, this is the perfect reason to consider going back. After the pandemic, more than 40 percent of workers in three industries worked remotely. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics report from October 2024, of 61 detailed industries, 44 had more than 10 percent of their workforce working remotely in 2021. In 2022, the top four industries in 2021 still had over 46 percent of their workforce working remotely.
While there has been news that companies, particularly in tech, are forcing people to go back to the office, while some are requiring employees to go in a few days per week, many have begun fully embracing remote work, changing their tune from years back. In an effort to retain a workforce who has expectations of work-life balance, flexibility, and wellness prioritizing, remote work is now something competitive companies embrace, and that could include your former employer.
4. Your old job was more fulfilling or more of a culture fit than your current one.
Sometimes, money and titles aren't everything. Maybe you had more autonomy at your old job, you were treated with respect, or you felt more accepted and free to be yourself at that company. The new job might have offered more money or a title raise, but the office culture just isn't that great.
If you left your previous job simply to try something new or you were offered more money at another company for a promotion and you're finding that that wasn't the best move, it might be a good idea to reach out to your old HR manager. Maybe they miss you, too.
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