Ask Ayana Iman: He Says He Misses Me But He's Boo'd Up On IG
Ask Ayana Iman is a weekly segment on xoNecole that features real-life questions from real-life people with real-life advice from certified life coach Ayana Iman.
Dear Ayana Iman:
I met a guy online. We've been video chatting for two years straight, and I'm getting impatient waiting to meet him face-to-face. If he doesn't show up this Christmas, should I end it?
Your intuition is begging you to listen. This man is not who he says he is because, if he was fully invested, this wouldn't be a prolonged conversation. I know you've been video chatting for two years, but not meeting face-to-face is a red flag. Do you live in the same state? Country? Was there a date set to meet? I have questions. What is his reasoning for not wanting to physically be present in your life? I would love to know how he deflects when asked about meeting and why you have allowed it for so long.
Waiting until Christmas to break it off? That's a "no" from me, sis. I can only assume that the connection you've made with him runs deep, which is why it pains me to tell you to break it off, sooner than later.
The best gift you can give yourself is the gift of self-love.
That starts with accepting the situation and letting go of the fairytale ending where you two ride off into the sunset. The reality is you're wasting time on someone who may or may not exist. To put it in perspective, you have already invested 730 days, 104 weeks, and 1,051,200 minutes. However, you have the power to turn back the clock and have a fresh start. The quicker you close this door, the faster another one will open, hopefully, with someone who couldn't spend two years, let alone two weeks or two days away from you.
Dear Ayana Iman:
I was dating this guy for seven months and decided to just "be friends" after seeing his efforts change. Later, I wanted to try the relationship again, but he told me he's focused on enjoying work. However, he posts pictures with other women on his IG stories and quotes about wanting a girlfriend. When I finally stopped communicating and interacting, he started sending me "checking in on me" texts and saying he misses me. At one point he was in a whole other country and called me. I wanted to try the relationship again but now I'm so confused about what he wants. What should I do?
"I wanted to try the relationship again but now I'm so confused about what he wants…" What about what you want? Honestly. You seem consumed by his wants and needs, forgetting you are the most important person in this situation.
And from what I can assess, you are the only person thinking about a relationship. He's not just enjoying his work; he's enjoying life, with whomever he pleases, including you. His actions show a single man on the prowl. Of course, he calls you to check-in. Pillow talk is a hell of a drug and can make any lonely night, well, less lonely.
Sharing that you miss someone is sometimes just something to say.
He's so comfortable to have you in his life because there are no consequences when you aren't emotionally invested, especially when the other person (you) allows it. While you're thinking about him – he is doing what's in his best interest. It's time you do the same. I'm not discounting the connection you two may share. I know he likes you. However, the lack of respect and honor do not equate to settling for a piece of a man. I hope you find the confidence to ask for more out of a relationship.
I suggest unfollowing him on social media and deleting his number out your phone, respectfully. If you choose to give him an explanation as to why, let him know that you are focusing on enjoying your life with people that want to be in it. No, you don't need his friendship or goodbye sex. The power in your actions will help you strengthen your boundaries and attract a man that is deserving of your time.
Let's leave f**k boys in 2018.
With Love,
Ayana Iman xx
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Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images