

Gender wars. If there’s one thing that social media — hell, the internet, period — is gonna have ready and waiting for you on a daily (oftentimes hourly) basis, it’s some freakin’ gender wars. And if there’s one topic, specifically, that I try not to let trigger me, yet many times it does just that, it’s the topic of dating.
Between men either implying or flat-out saying that after paying a certain amount of money on a date (or flying someone out), sex should be expected and women and their long (and oftentimes super annoying) TikToks about how a man should damn near break the bank on the first date and/or pay for whomever they choose to bring along (which is mad rude, by the way) — the transactional approach to something that once was way more intentional, pure and holistically beneficial has really got out of hand.
And although I can’t stop an avalanche once it’s begun (no one can), it is my hope that this piece will restore some integrity back to what was designed to bring genuine connections together — not make booty calls easier or Instagram posts imitate dates from The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise (or whatever not-so-reality-based show that’s on these days). By the way, 21 years into both of those shows, although there have been 34 proposals, only six couples are still married. That’s not a success story; that is utterly ridiculous.
So, let’s tackle dating in a way that can actually bring some sanity, practicality, and, shoot, dare I say, virtue back into it by restoring a bit of order when it comes to what dating should actually be about.
When You Don’t Know the Purpose of Something, You Will Misuse It
@sdrelationshiptalk Tag someone who could use these questions ❤️ #relationships #datingtips #marriageadvice #dayingadvice #blacklove
I’m pretty sure that it comes as no shocker that I am a huge fan of healthy relationships. I am also a big-time investor in Black love and an advocate for Black men. So much, in fact, that I have been known to say, pretty consistently, in fact, that I have been customized for a Black man. No one else is an option. Hey, that’s just me.
And because I do spend so much time writing about relationships, working with couples, and hopefully helping people to see themselves in a light that will cause the light in others to reflect the best back to them (in their relationships), I constantly encourage others to move in purpose when it comes to dating.
The definitions of purpose include “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” and “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.” So yes, when it comes to dating before anyone shares their time, energy, feelings, resources, body parts, or anything else, it’s imperative — crucial even — that they spend some serious, sobering, and significant time figuring out the reason behind why they want and then choose to date, along with what they ultimately desire to get out of doing so.
And that’s why I thought it would be a good idea to lead this all off with the TikTok post above. Because sis definitely dates with a clear purpose (the first date?! Wasted no time!). Do I think that a first date has to be this…heavy? No. Oftentimes, a first date is about seeing if there is any chemistry that could possibly evolve into a connection — and that’s why I’m all about short ones like coffee dates, drinks, and/or appetizers; it’s not about a man “getting off cheap,” it’s about both of you trying to figure out if something is there. If there is, there will be a second date. If not, no harm, no foul on either side.
Anyway, when it comes to this particular couple’s journey (she used the word “fiancé” so clearly her approach paid off for her), again, even though a first date can certainly go much lighter than this, I do salute the fact that she provided a stellar example of what it means to know what your purpose is for dating so that you know how to move — and what to expect based on your personal standards and even convictions — while you’re dating. Good stuff.
So, how did dating become what, in my opinion, is the colossal-ishshow that it currently is? It’s because, as I oftentimes say, when you don’t know the purpose of something (or someone), you will be almost guaranteed to abuse (abnormally use) or misuse it — and if you ask a lot of folks who yap about their dating expectations to explain their purpose for dating in the first place…many of them will have absolutely no clue. And that’s truly sad. In many ways, it’s counterproductive as well.
Dating. Revisited.
It’s kind of another message for another time yet, just like it irks me to hear single guys say that they expect single women to submit to them (even the Bible says that submission is for marriage, and yes, we’ll have to tackle that topic on another day; I do wish more people understood its purpose better, though — Ephesians 5:21-33[AMPC], I Peter 3:1-7[AMPC], Colossians 3:18-20). What I think they actually mean is they like the femininity of a woman to show up during the dating process. Anyway, along these same lines, I don’t like how dating and courting overlap, either.
Let’s deal with dating first.
If you were to talk to, probably your great-grandparents at this point about the topic of dating, they would probably say that there is no need to go out on a lot of dates with someone unless you see some real potential there. As antiquated as that might sound, it’s a mindset that can also keep you from wasting time, it can potentially spare you from investing in something that isn’t really going anywhere, and it can prevent you from moving too quickly (on the emotional and physical tip — check out “Ever Wonder If You're Moving Too Fast In A Relationship?”).
Because, if you’re dating with a clear purpose and say that it’s so you can transition into courting, then engagement, and then marriage — why date for years on end? Yeah, dating is like the “first base” of getting to know someone.
Now am I saying that only people who want to get married should date? Contrary to what a lot of church culture thinks, no. Personally, I get that not everyone desires marriage (check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?” and “12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage”) — and they shouldn’t be forfeited romantic companionship because of it. In fact, I respect people who value marriage so much that they know, ahead of time, that they don’t want to play with it; not enough people see it from that relational lens.
However, even if marriage isn’t on your menu, you still need to have a purpose for dating, and you still need to be intentional about seeing if the individual who is sitting across from you is on the same page as you are — whatever that page may be. And so, it’s a good idea to not be so transactional in your mindset that you cheapen the entire experience.
How? Probably one of the easiest ways to describe a transactional kind of relationship is it’s something that you see as not much more than a lop-sided business dynamic. All you care about is how you can benefit and what your demands are. There is very little compromise or mutuality — and that makes it hard for anything with a healthy emotional foundation to evolve.
And honestly, that’s why a lot of guys tend to sound so cold and flippant when they talk about dismissing a woman who won’t give them any after a date (or trip), or a lot of women sound so rude and inconsiderate while “grading” their dates or who they are dating — things have become so transactional that there is no real connection beyond “what can I get out of this as quickly as possible?” — and that hinders a fulfilling dating experience and almost always sabotages the possibility for courtship.
Courting. Revisited.
As I’ve already stated, Black men are always gonna be my preference. That doesn’t mean I don’t know fine when it comes to other ethnicities when I see it, though, and looka here — some of y’all will probably have no clue who I’m talking about, but Michael Landon, the man who played Charles Ingalls on the Little House on the Prairie, was fine and then some mo’ fine.
Anyway, there are many things that I still appreciate about that show. One of them is how they modeled courtship back in the late 1800s. When a young man was interested in a young woman, he would go to her parents (specifically her father) with his plan for how long it would take him to build a home and provide for her so that he could propose marriage and, after the wedding, move directly into their new home. Typically, if the plan was going to take more than a couple of years, the parents wouldn’t be interested in giving their blessing.
Lawd, how far we have gotten away from this — and I’m not convinced that we’ve elevated. Yet the main point I’m making is dating, and courting were never designed to be the same thing. Dating is about seeing if you want to transition into courting, so that you can either get engaged or go into something more serious and long-term. And what this means is no, men nor women should expect (and definitely not demand) “courting privileges” during the dating season. Meaning, why should someone be paying someone else’s bills while dating? Why should someone expect marital duties to be performed while merely dating? THEY SHOULDN’T. Both directions.
Until it’s been clearly and mutually articulated that both individuals want to do life together, as a couple, on a very serious and committed level, courting is not to transpire — only dating is. And that means that people need to remain in a state of simply enjoying someone’s company while collecting the data/intel that they need in order to decide if they should move forward with someone or…not.
Bottom line, dating and courting are not to be used interchangeably; their purpose and agendas are quite different.
No One Is OWED Anything
A couple of nights ago, while having dinner with my godchildren’s mother, one of the things that we discussed is how entitled my older goddaughter (who is officially a preteen now) is. An example is my telling her that if she found some sneakers for $85 before tax, I would get them for her birthday. When she went on to say that she only prefers Air Force 1s (this kid), I went on to tell her that she took the entire joy out of getting her anything because of her entitled attitude.
“She’s gonna be someone who guys are not going to be interested in dating if she keeps this up,” I said to her mother after she shared with me that after coming back from a camp that cost a pretty penny, just hours into being home, my goddaughter was whining about how boring her life is at home. Whew, chile.
Entitlement is unattractive. ENTITLEMENT IS UNATTRACTIVE. Why? Because the message it sends is that someone owes you what they have. Plus, there tends to be a total lack of graciousness if you happen to receive whatever you’re expecting — and no one who values themselves or their time wants to be around someone like that. And yet, here we are, watching the entitlement of so many people rise to a fever pitch in our culture, especially when it comes to dating.
And here’s the real trip — no, you are not entitled to what someone has just “because you are worth it” and the same thing goes for them when it comes to you. Owing someone is about being obligated or indebted, and that’s why the whole “a man should pay hundreds on a first date” mantra is ridiculous to me. What makes him obligated to do that for someone he barely knows? What have you done for him that makes him indebted to you on that level?
In a time in our culture where more narcissists are being created (and even cultivated) than ever, it’s important to keep in mind that people who are entitled are self-absorbed, have a puffed-up attitude, are typically quite difficult to get along with, do not reciprocate in relationships and suck at listening. Who wants to even attempt to build with someone like that?
You know, one time I spent, hell, more time than I should’ve, watching TikTok posts on dating standards. One woman (who I will spare by not linking her into all of this) had a list of about 20 things and started off her video by saying, “You know, I have been on many, many dates…”
Sometimes I wonder if people listen to themselves before they hit publish on their videos because if you’ve got a ton of first dates with not much else to show for it, you might want to revisit if all that you think you deserve (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?”) or are owed on a first date is actually working for you or…against you. Because while you’re calling them “standards” what they really might be is super unrealistic dating demands.
This brings me to my next point.
Standards and (Unrealistic) Demands Are Totally Different
When it comes to the topic of standards, I once heard someone define them as being a healthy set of boundaries (or limits), principles, values, morals, ethics, and habits that you choose to base your life on. That said, if there’s something else that social media has done (to our overall detriment), it’s provided a platform for people to loudly use words without really knowing the core essence of their meaning.
That said, an example of thinking that an unrealistic demand is somehow a dating standard is saying that you want a 6-6-6 man (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”) and yet, in your mind, he should text you several times a day or immediately answer every call. Ask any super ambitious man (or the woman who is with him), and they will tell you that they have to manage their time, almost down to the second, in order to meet their (oftentimes daily) goals. This means that testing him to see if he will be at your beck and call? That isn’t really about boundaries or values — c’mon…that’s either about a profound insecurity or it’s about being consumed with getting a shot of ego boosts on a daily basis.
And that’s what can jack a lot of people up when it comes to dating in these days and times too — both men and women. Yeah, I have this conversation with men as well. You want someone you’re dating to cook for you all of the time? What man needs that? What is ethical about it? And how does taking that kind of stance put you into the mindset of being grateful if you feel like she is required to do so? And what would make a woman want to marry you if you’re already acting that way?
So yeah, it’s definitely a good idea to set your own ego aside and ponder which of your dating standards are actual standards and which ones are basically ridiculous. And before you offer pushback by saying that if your standards are too high, “oh well,” let’s bring any angle about double standards as I close out.
Remember the Golden Rule. Always.
Something that oftentimes tickles me when I talk to singles about what they expect in a future partner is how so many of them have these long ass laundry lists about what they require, and yet, when I ask them if they have achieved or accomplished what’s on their list, suddenly they’re either deflecting or irritated. He’s gotta make six figures and have great credit when you make $30K (gross), and your credit score is barely scratching 550? She’s gotta have a banging body when you’ve got plenty of girth around the middle? Why are you out here thinking it’s so easy for someone to have or be what you desire…when you’re (general "you") not even those things yourself? Please stop.
That’s another ridiculous thing about transactional dating culture, for sure. Far too many folks are out here expecting what they absolutely are not — and yes, that is a double standard. Know what else it is? It’s hypocritical as all get out. Besides, someone who hits even 80 percent of your list, guess what? They are more than justified to expect you to be what you asked of them. And either that should be a humbling revelation or something that makes you want to revise your list or commit to doing some serious self-work before going out on a new string of dates.
Yeah, I can only imagine how much the quality of dating would shift, for the better, if people committed to implementing the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you — or, in this case, be what you require. Because when you genuinely and sincerely come from this frame of mind, it’s hard to be transactional because you are more focused on being realistic and holistically beneficial.
And that, my friends, should be the framework for dating.
Be real: is it yours?
If not…why not?
No one wants to be treated like nothing more than a basic transaction. So, let’s all lead by example out here in this dating (and social media) streets. Straight up.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Jill Giardino/Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
Dry January may be over for some, but for others, sobriety is a lifestyle. Non-alcoholic spirits like Ritual and Free AF are becoming more popular and even temperance bars (dry bars, sober bars) are popping up around the world. Resorts are also taking note as many are putting wellness front and center by offering mocktails and incorporating yoga and other mindfulness practices.
The Expedia Group reported that more than 40% of travelers have said they're likely to book a detox trip within the next year. If you're one of the travelers looking for a wellness vacation, check out these 10 spots below.
Bimini, Bahamas
Courtesy
Resorts World Bimini recently introduced its Wellness Weekends with Shay Williams, a local Pilates Instructor, and Sound Healer. Guests can enjoy a private pilates class and sound healing session for $269 per person.
Aruba
Courtesy
Aruba Marriott Resort offers soothing aloe-based treatments at the island's largest spa. Their Lobby Bar also has a signature mocktail menu with options like the Strawberry Cooler.
Curaçao
Courtesy
Curaçao is located near Earth's main vortexes, which are considered the world's chakras and/or portals making the island a strong energetic hub. Speak with one of the local gurus or enjoy a blissful spa day, at the captivating 8, The Experience. The spa features services like chakra-balancing, stress-fixing massages, and more.
Bellevue, Washington
Courtesy
Bellevue is a quaint and charming city surrounded by nature's beauty. Travelers can kayak on Lake Washington or hike the snow-capped mountains of the North Cascades. It's also home to the iconic Bellevue Club Hotel, which features an athletic club and spa.
Adairsville, Georgia
Courtesy
Barnsley Resort is the perfect escape from city life. It's located at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains and guests can enjoy horseback riding, hiking trails, golfing, and canoeing with a mocktail in hand.
Cape Cod, MA
Courtesy
Holistic health lovers may want to visit Ocean Edge Resort & Golf Club, which introduced new year-round wellness retreats, helmed by wellness expert and Retreat Sales Manager Liza Bertini. The retreat offers a range of fitness classes like yoga and pilates as well as programs catered to sober-curious people, grief and other health issues.
Lake Atitlán, Guatemala
Courtesy
Lake Atitlán is recognized as one of the most spiritual places in the world and Casa Palopó is located right on the edge. The luxury boutique is one of the only two Relais & Chateaux hotels in Guatemala. With only 15 rooms and a 3-bedroom villa, guests can roam the lush grounds and take-in panoramic views of the lake and the surrounding three volcanoes. Some of the resorts' activities include a Maya blessing ceremony, yoga, or volunteering at nearby villages.
Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
Courtesy
The Westin Resort & Spa Puerto Vallarta recently underwent a huge renovation that includes a refreshed treatment menu and facilities like cold pools, steam room, and sauna. Guests can enjoy oceanfront yoga, running and walking paths, tennis, and a flora-inspired mocktail menu at Bar Flora.
Baja California, Mexico
Courtesy
At Kimpton Mas Olas Resort & Spa in Todos Santos, guests can create their own custom essential oils and scrubs at the resort's apothecary workshops or they can indulge in holistic treatments in the spa. Other wellness-focused activities include daily yoga, meditation, and fitness classes.
Punta Mina, Mexico
Courtesy
Detox and reset at W Punta de Mita, which is a located on Mexico's most iconic surf breaks. There's holistic remedy-inspired mocktails, ice bath therapy, and spiritual Cacao Ceremonies designed to reconnect mind, body, and spirit. And, of course, surfing is a must.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Thomas Barwick/ Getty Images