

Gender wars. If there’s one thing that social media — hell, the internet, period — is gonna have ready and waiting for you on a daily (oftentimes hourly) basis, it’s some freakin’ gender wars. And if there’s one topic, specifically, that I try not to let trigger me, yet many times it does just that, it’s the topic of dating.
Between men either implying or flat-out saying that after paying a certain amount of money on a date (or flying someone out), sex should be expected and women and their long (and oftentimes super annoying) TikToks about how a man should damn near break the bank on the first date and/or pay for whomever they choose to bring along (which is mad rude, by the way) — the transactional approach to something that once was way more intentional, pure and holistically beneficial has really got out of hand.
And although I can’t stop an avalanche once it’s begun (no one can), it is my hope that this piece will restore some integrity back to what was designed to bring genuine connections together — not make booty calls easier or Instagram posts imitate dates from The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise (or whatever not-so-reality-based show that’s on these days). By the way, 21 years into both of those shows, although there have been 34 proposals, only six couples are still married. That’s not a success story; that is utterly ridiculous.
So, let’s tackle dating in a way that can actually bring some sanity, practicality, and, shoot, dare I say, virtue back into it by restoring a bit of order when it comes to what dating should actually be about.
When You Don’t Know the Purpose of Something, You Will Misuse It
@sdrelationshiptalk Tag someone who could use these questions ❤️ #relationships #datingtips #marriageadvice #dayingadvice #blacklove
I’m pretty sure that it comes as no shocker that I am a huge fan of healthy relationships. I am also a big-time investor in Black love and an advocate for Black men. So much, in fact, that I have been known to say, pretty consistently, in fact, that I have been customized for a Black man. No one else is an option. Hey, that’s just me.
And because I do spend so much time writing about relationships, working with couples, and hopefully helping people to see themselves in a light that will cause the light in others to reflect the best back to them (in their relationships), I constantly encourage others to move in purpose when it comes to dating.
The definitions of purpose include “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” and “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.” So yes, when it comes to dating before anyone shares their time, energy, feelings, resources, body parts, or anything else, it’s imperative — crucial even — that they spend some serious, sobering, and significant time figuring out the reason behind why they want and then choose to date, along with what they ultimately desire to get out of doing so.
And that’s why I thought it would be a good idea to lead this all off with the TikTok post above. Because sis definitely dates with a clear purpose (the first date?! Wasted no time!). Do I think that a first date has to be this…heavy? No. Oftentimes, a first date is about seeing if there is any chemistry that could possibly evolve into a connection — and that’s why I’m all about short ones like coffee dates, drinks, and/or appetizers; it’s not about a man “getting off cheap,” it’s about both of you trying to figure out if something is there. If there is, there will be a second date. If not, no harm, no foul on either side.
Anyway, when it comes to this particular couple’s journey (she used the word “fiancé” so clearly her approach paid off for her), again, even though a first date can certainly go much lighter than this, I do salute the fact that she provided a stellar example of what it means to know what your purpose is for dating so that you know how to move — and what to expect based on your personal standards and even convictions — while you’re dating. Good stuff.
So, how did dating become what, in my opinion, is the colossal-ishshow that it currently is? It’s because, as I oftentimes say, when you don’t know the purpose of something (or someone), you will be almost guaranteed to abuse (abnormally use) or misuse it — and if you ask a lot of folks who yap about their dating expectations to explain their purpose for dating in the first place…many of them will have absolutely no clue. And that’s truly sad. In many ways, it’s counterproductive as well.
Dating. Revisited.
It’s kind of another message for another time yet, just like it irks me to hear single guys say that they expect single women to submit to them (even the Bible says that submission is for marriage, and yes, we’ll have to tackle that topic on another day; I do wish more people understood its purpose better, though — Ephesians 5:21-33[AMPC], I Peter 3:1-7[AMPC], Colossians 3:18-20). What I think they actually mean is they like the femininity of a woman to show up during the dating process. Anyway, along these same lines, I don’t like how dating and courting overlap, either.
Let’s deal with dating first.
If you were to talk to, probably your great-grandparents at this point about the topic of dating, they would probably say that there is no need to go out on a lot of dates with someone unless you see some real potential there. As antiquated as that might sound, it’s a mindset that can also keep you from wasting time, it can potentially spare you from investing in something that isn’t really going anywhere, and it can prevent you from moving too quickly (on the emotional and physical tip — check out “Ever Wonder If You're Moving Too Fast In A Relationship?”).
Because, if you’re dating with a clear purpose and say that it’s so you can transition into courting, then engagement, and then marriage — why date for years on end? Yeah, dating is like the “first base” of getting to know someone.
Now am I saying that only people who want to get married should date? Contrary to what a lot of church culture thinks, no. Personally, I get that not everyone desires marriage (check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?” and “12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage”) — and they shouldn’t be forfeited romantic companionship because of it. In fact, I respect people who value marriage so much that they know, ahead of time, that they don’t want to play with it; not enough people see it from that relational lens.
However, even if marriage isn’t on your menu, you still need to have a purpose for dating, and you still need to be intentional about seeing if the individual who is sitting across from you is on the same page as you are — whatever that page may be. And so, it’s a good idea to not be so transactional in your mindset that you cheapen the entire experience.
How? Probably one of the easiest ways to describe a transactional kind of relationship is it’s something that you see as not much more than a lop-sided business dynamic. All you care about is how you can benefit and what your demands are. There is very little compromise or mutuality — and that makes it hard for anything with a healthy emotional foundation to evolve.
And honestly, that’s why a lot of guys tend to sound so cold and flippant when they talk about dismissing a woman who won’t give them any after a date (or trip), or a lot of women sound so rude and inconsiderate while “grading” their dates or who they are dating — things have become so transactional that there is no real connection beyond “what can I get out of this as quickly as possible?” — and that hinders a fulfilling dating experience and almost always sabotages the possibility for courtship.
Courting. Revisited.
As I’ve already stated, Black men are always gonna be my preference. That doesn’t mean I don’t know fine when it comes to other ethnicities when I see it, though, and looka here — some of y’all will probably have no clue who I’m talking about, but Michael Landon, the man who played Charles Ingalls on the Little House on the Prairie, was fine and then some mo’ fine.
Anyway, there are many things that I still appreciate about that show. One of them is how they modeled courtship back in the late 1800s. When a young man was interested in a young woman, he would go to her parents (specifically her father) with his plan for how long it would take him to build a home and provide for her so that he could propose marriage and, after the wedding, move directly into their new home. Typically, if the plan was going to take more than a couple of years, the parents wouldn’t be interested in giving their blessing.
Lawd, how far we have gotten away from this — and I’m not convinced that we’ve elevated. Yet the main point I’m making is dating, and courting were never designed to be the same thing. Dating is about seeing if you want to transition into courting, so that you can either get engaged or go into something more serious and long-term. And what this means is no, men nor women should expect (and definitely not demand) “courting privileges” during the dating season. Meaning, why should someone be paying someone else’s bills while dating? Why should someone expect marital duties to be performed while merely dating? THEY SHOULDN’T. Both directions.
Until it’s been clearly and mutually articulated that both individuals want to do life together, as a couple, on a very serious and committed level, courting is not to transpire — only dating is. And that means that people need to remain in a state of simply enjoying someone’s company while collecting the data/intel that they need in order to decide if they should move forward with someone or…not.
Bottom line, dating and courting are not to be used interchangeably; their purpose and agendas are quite different.
No One Is OWED Anything
A couple of nights ago, while having dinner with my godchildren’s mother, one of the things that we discussed is how entitled my older goddaughter (who is officially a preteen now) is. An example is my telling her that if she found some sneakers for $85 before tax, I would get them for her birthday. When she went on to say that she only prefers Air Force 1s (this kid), I went on to tell her that she took the entire joy out of getting her anything because of her entitled attitude.
“She’s gonna be someone who guys are not going to be interested in dating if she keeps this up,” I said to her mother after she shared with me that after coming back from a camp that cost a pretty penny, just hours into being home, my goddaughter was whining about how boring her life is at home. Whew, chile.
Entitlement is unattractive. ENTITLEMENT IS UNATTRACTIVE. Why? Because the message it sends is that someone owes you what they have. Plus, there tends to be a total lack of graciousness if you happen to receive whatever you’re expecting — and no one who values themselves or their time wants to be around someone like that. And yet, here we are, watching the entitlement of so many people rise to a fever pitch in our culture, especially when it comes to dating.
And here’s the real trip — no, you are not entitled to what someone has just “because you are worth it” and the same thing goes for them when it comes to you. Owing someone is about being obligated or indebted, and that’s why the whole “a man should pay hundreds on a first date” mantra is ridiculous to me. What makes him obligated to do that for someone he barely knows? What have you done for him that makes him indebted to you on that level?
In a time in our culture where more narcissists are being created (and even cultivated) than ever, it’s important to keep in mind that people who are entitled are self-absorbed, have a puffed-up attitude, are typically quite difficult to get along with, do not reciprocate in relationships and suck at listening. Who wants to even attempt to build with someone like that?
You know, one time I spent, hell, more time than I should’ve, watching TikTok posts on dating standards. One woman (who I will spare by not linking her into all of this) had a list of about 20 things and started off her video by saying, “You know, I have been on many, many dates…”
Sometimes I wonder if people listen to themselves before they hit publish on their videos because if you’ve got a ton of first dates with not much else to show for it, you might want to revisit if all that you think you deserve (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?”) or are owed on a first date is actually working for you or…against you. Because while you’re calling them “standards” what they really might be is super unrealistic dating demands.
This brings me to my next point.
Standards and (Unrealistic) Demands Are Totally Different
When it comes to the topic of standards, I once heard someone define them as being a healthy set of boundaries (or limits), principles, values, morals, ethics, and habits that you choose to base your life on. That said, if there’s something else that social media has done (to our overall detriment), it’s provided a platform for people to loudly use words without really knowing the core essence of their meaning.
That said, an example of thinking that an unrealistic demand is somehow a dating standard is saying that you want a 6-6-6 man (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”) and yet, in your mind, he should text you several times a day or immediately answer every call. Ask any super ambitious man (or the woman who is with him), and they will tell you that they have to manage their time, almost down to the second, in order to meet their (oftentimes daily) goals. This means that testing him to see if he will be at your beck and call? That isn’t really about boundaries or values — c’mon…that’s either about a profound insecurity or it’s about being consumed with getting a shot of ego boosts on a daily basis.
And that’s what can jack a lot of people up when it comes to dating in these days and times too — both men and women. Yeah, I have this conversation with men as well. You want someone you’re dating to cook for you all of the time? What man needs that? What is ethical about it? And how does taking that kind of stance put you into the mindset of being grateful if you feel like she is required to do so? And what would make a woman want to marry you if you’re already acting that way?
So yeah, it’s definitely a good idea to set your own ego aside and ponder which of your dating standards are actual standards and which ones are basically ridiculous. And before you offer pushback by saying that if your standards are too high, “oh well,” let’s bring any angle about double standards as I close out.
Remember the Golden Rule. Always.
Something that oftentimes tickles me when I talk to singles about what they expect in a future partner is how so many of them have these long ass laundry lists about what they require, and yet, when I ask them if they have achieved or accomplished what’s on their list, suddenly they’re either deflecting or irritated. He’s gotta make six figures and have great credit when you make $30K (gross), and your credit score is barely scratching 550? She’s gotta have a banging body when you’ve got plenty of girth around the middle? Why are you out here thinking it’s so easy for someone to have or be what you desire…when you’re (general "you") not even those things yourself? Please stop.
That’s another ridiculous thing about transactional dating culture, for sure. Far too many folks are out here expecting what they absolutely are not — and yes, that is a double standard. Know what else it is? It’s hypocritical as all get out. Besides, someone who hits even 80 percent of your list, guess what? They are more than justified to expect you to be what you asked of them. And either that should be a humbling revelation or something that makes you want to revise your list or commit to doing some serious self-work before going out on a new string of dates.
Yeah, I can only imagine how much the quality of dating would shift, for the better, if people committed to implementing the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you — or, in this case, be what you require. Because when you genuinely and sincerely come from this frame of mind, it’s hard to be transactional because you are more focused on being realistic and holistically beneficial.
And that, my friends, should be the framework for dating.
Be real: is it yours?
If not…why not?
No one wants to be treated like nothing more than a basic transaction. So, let’s all lead by example out here in this dating (and social media) streets. Straight up.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your May 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Blooming Softly & Trusting Divine Timing
May is about being patient, nurturing your dreams, and creating beauty in your world. This is a more stable and generous month than the chaos that April brought, and we get an opportunity for closure, healing, and rejuvenation this month. We are still amid some important retrograde transits, but these are ones we can navigate better by grounding our energy in the present moment, and not allowing ourselves to stress over the what-ifs.
With the Sun in Taurus for most of the month, May reminds us that there is beauty in finding your peace and not allowing anyone to disrupt that.
Pluto goes retrograde in Aquarius from May 4 until October 13, and this will be a time of remembering your power when it comes to your purpose, innovations, and the ability to attract support into your life. Mercury moves into Taurus on May 10, making this a good time for negotiations, creating new plans financially, and sticking to your word on something that holds value to you. The Full Moon of the month occurs in Scorpio on May 12, and this is the Flower Moon of the year, signifying growth and seeing the beauty in your life.
This Full Moon is all about letting go of what doesn’t feel authentic or resonate with you emotionally, and about experiencing more closure and healing within relationship matters.
Your May 2025: A Monthly Overview
Gemini Season officially begins on May 20, and we enter air sign energy, which is good for communication, business, and coming up with inspiring and new ideas. On May 24, Saturn enters Aries, beginning its new transit where it will remain for the next few years. Saturn in Aries is bold, direct, and straightforward, but so are its lessons. There is a gift in resilience and finding your strength during this time, and this transit will show you where your power is, but it may challenge you to confront self-limiting behavior in the process.
Mercury enters Gemini on May 25, and Mercury loves being here. Mercury in Gemini is the creative genius, and this is a month of aligning yourself with this energy. On May 26, we have a New Moon in Gemini, and it’s time to set your intentions for where you want a communication breakthrough in your life, and what new ideas you want to start planting the seeds for. This is a good New Moon for networking, exchanging ideas, having more fun, and getting inspired.
Article continues after the jump.
May 2025 Horoscopes for Every Zodiac Sign
Keep reading for your sun, moon, and rising sign below to see what May has in store for you.
ARIES
The impact from April is finally behind you, and you get to move forward this month, Aries. After a month of retrogrades and Eclipses, you are starting to see the progress of what you have been working towards financially this year. The Sun is in your 2nd house of abundance, self-confidence, and values this month, and you are putting your dreams here first.
With Venus also in Aries for the entire month of May, you are feeling the support within and without this month, and this is a beautiful month unfolding.
On May 24, Saturn enters your sign, beginning its transit in Aries, which will last for the next few years. Saturn is the master of tough love, and you are going to be learning a lot about yourself during his time and going through a growth spurt. The New Moon of May is at the end of the month on May 26 and will be giving you the answers and clarity you have been looking for, highlighting open communication in your life. Overall, this is your month of fewer obstacles and more progress.
TAURUS
Taurus Season is officially underway, and you are the main character right now, Taurus. Remember that. This month is about trusting your intuition and the timing of things, and knowing that things are working in your favor. With Venus, your ruling planet, in your 12th house for the month, you are seeking a lot of closure and culmination right now and are healing what was. Mercury enters your sign from May 10 until May 25, and it’s all about the perspectives you are gaining right now.
Don’t be afraid to ask the important questions and get down to the bottom of things that have been worrying you. On May 12, there is a Full Moon in your 7th house of partnership, and you are closing the door on what has not been working for you in love. You are seeing the clarity of what you need within your emotional world and how you want to navigate the changes you have been through here now.
GEMINI
May is a new beginning for you, Gemini. You have a lot of energy and vitality with you this month, and you are ready to accomplish some personal goals and intentions of yours. For most of the month, the Sun is in your house of closure and healing, and you are finding yourself rejuvenated from the transformations you have been through. Gemini Season officially begins on May 20, and with the Sun in your sign, nothing is holding you back from shining and living in your truth right now.
On May 25, Mercury enters Gemini until June 8, and Mercury loves being in your sign, as this is your planetary ruler.
Mercury in Gemini is forward-thinking, quick, and intelligent. You are coming up with solutions to previous challenges or obstacles, and overcoming something that has felt restrictive mentally. Before the month ends, there is a New Moon in Gemini on May 26, and this New Moon is one of the best times of the year for you to set your intentions and manifest your dreams. Remember you are worthy of what you are setting out to accomplish this month, Gemini.
CANCER
Cancer, this month requires you to slow down, take care of your health, and allow things to come to fruition the way they are meant to. There is a chance you could be overthinking more than usual this month, and you are being reminded that there is only so much that is in your control, and to give yourself some more grace. The Full Moon in Scorpio on May 12 will help you gain a little more clarity of the heart and is going to be a time of feeling the love and appreciation in your life.
Saturn enters your 10th house of career on May 24, remaining here over the next few years, and you are getting an opportunity to grow and discover where you may have been limiting yourself professionally, socially, or within your aspirations in life. This time is all about reminding yourself that you deserve recognition for the work you do, but that you must also be the one believing in yourself as well. On May 12, there is a New Moon in your house of emotional healing, and you are seeing the gifts of alone time, safe spaces, and tending to your creative inklings at the end of the month.
LEO
This month is an opportunity for a new beginning in love and progress within your emotional world, Leo. You are learning to trust your intuition more, and you are putting more of your energy into your heart’s desires. With the Sun in your 10th house for most of the month, you are shining in your truth and remaining confident in your goals in life.
Venus is in your house of adventure for the entire month, and this is a good time for experiencing romance while traveling or getting out of your comfort zone a little.
Saturn makes a significant move from Pisces into Aries at the end of the month and enters your 9th house. With Saturn here, you will be learning more about what mental growth and clarity mean to you, and this is a good time to dedicate yourself to higher education, traveling, gaining a new perspective, and honoring your integrity and values. The New Moon of the month is on May 26, creating magic within your friendships and community.
You are leaving this month with hope in your heart and new plans for the future.
VIRGO
May is a month of abundance and fruition for you, Virgo. Your dreams and intentions are coming to fruition, and you are owning that which you have created for yourself. With Venus in Aries, this is a good time for seeing support in your life financially, dedicating yourself to your commitments and responsibilities, and seeing the gifts in that. On May 12, there is a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication, and this is an intuitive time for you, giving you the strength needed to close the chapter on what you don’t resonate with anymore.
On May 24, Saturn enters your house of shared finances, rebirth, intimacy, and resources, and over the next few years, you will be learning the importance of connecting with people who truly have your best interest at heart, and not committing to what feels unstable. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Gemini in your house of career, and this is a good time to manifest and set your intentions for where you want to see professional growth in your life.
Overall, May is about embracing your freedom while honoring the people and connections that help you grow and make you feel more secure in life.
LIBRA
This is a month of feeling empowered and ready to take on anything that comes your way, Libra. You are inspired by the progress you are making in your life right now, and with Venus in your 7th house of love, you are being well-received. This is a month of finding your balance between your path and the growth of your relationships, and there is a sense of support, harmony, and love in your life in May.
You are owning your authenticity and living in your truth fully, and this energy is magnetic.
However, Saturn also enters your 7th house of love this month, where it will remain for the next few years. Saturn empowers and helps you grow, but you can also feel a little more challenged within your relationships during this time. The more you can own your wants and needs, the more you can find vulnerability and support within your relationships. On May 26, a New Moon in a fellow air sign occurs and happens in your 9th house, creating a chance at a new adventure and an opportunity to discover some new inspiration.
SCORPIO
May is about believing in the impossible, Scorpio. It’s time to take a leap of faith in yourself and to remember your power. You are seeking a new beginning in your life, and with the Sun in your 7th house of love for most of the month, you are being supported and encouraged in the process. Pluto, one of your ruling planets, goes retrograde in your house of home and family from May 4 until October, and you are gaining clarity on the people and support systems you can rely on more.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on May 12, and this is the Flower Moon of the year. You are in full bloom and ready for whatever is next for you, and this is beautiful. Previous intentions and goals come to fruition for you overall in mid-May, and there is a lot to look forward to right now as you are getting excited about it all. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Gemini in your 8th house, creating a sense of empowerment through what you are looking to change and transform in your life right now.
This month is about not being afraid to take more risks and doing things your own way.
SAGITTARIUS
May is a beautiful month of magic, success, and good fortune, Sagittarius. You are feeling lucky this month and are attracting success to you in many different areas of your life. Venus, the planet of love, is in your 5th house of romance for most of the month, and you are enjoying your life, feeling the love within your heart, and expressing yourself freely in May. You are a magnet for your manifestations, and dreams are coming true for you this month, Sag.
On May 12, we have a Full Moon happening in your house of endings and closure, and you are closing out a big chapter in your life this month.
You are letting go of old pain or emotional experiences and choosing not to repeat a pattern that left you feeling hopeless before. On May 26, we have a New Moon in your sister sign, Gemini, enhancing your need for love, connection, and relationship development this month. This is a great New Moon to set your intentions for what partnerships you want to see grow, heal, and come to fruition for you. Overall, May is your month of fruition, balance, and believing in the magic in your life.
CAPRICORN
May is about slowing down and allowing yourself to find the answers you have been looking for, Capricorn. This isn’t the time to rush your progress or doubt where you are in life. The Sun is in your 5th house, and this is good for finding more time for fun, pleasure, self-care, and asking your heart what it needs. With Pluto going retrograde in your 2nd house of values and income, you are being reminded to hold yourself with integrity and to know that you are worthy of the things you are asking for.
The Full Moon on May 12 is a beautiful time to connect with loved ones or those who inspire you. The universe wants to show you that you are not alone this month and that you deserve to live a life where you can enjoy yourself more and manifest your dreams, rather than believing everything needs to be a challenge to be worthy. Saturn, your ruling planet, then enters your 4th house of home and family, and over the next few years, you are going to be rediscovering what home means to you.
AQUARIUS
Your guidance for May is to trust that what is falling from your life or changing for you is doing so for your benefit, Aquarius. Trust that what is happening is happening for you and not to you, and don’t doubt that you will rebuild from this. With Pluto going retrograde in your sign from May 4 until October 13, you need a break from some of the confusion you have been feeling in your personal life, and you are getting a chance to gain a new perspective this month.
Use this time to get inspired by change rather than let it bring you down, and ground yourself in the present moment more.
Saturn enters Aries in May, where it will remain for the next few years, helping you grow in the areas of your life that have to do with communication, networking, transportation, siblings, and education. You will be learning a lot during this time and will be finding new outlets for self-expression and communication. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Gemini occurring in your 5th house of romance, pleasure, hobbies, and entertainment, and after a month of navigating endings, changes, and closures, you are ready for a fresh start and are receiving one in love now.
PISCES
Allow what is to be, be, Pisces. May is a month of allowing yourself to trust the timing of the universe and not giving up hope that things are going to turn out beautifully for you. On May 12, there is a Full Moon in fellow water sign, Scorpio, and this is a time to get inspired and see the benefits of closure. This Full Moon is about gaining a new perspective and not doubting what is clearer to you now, that you are worthy of a new beginning.
On May 24, Saturn moves into your 2nd house of income, and you are going to be moving through a journey of developing financially, and working on maintaining stability while building new foundations in your life. The New Moon in Gemini at the end of the month is about setting your intentions for your home and family life and creating some new energy here. Overall, May is your month of breaking ground on the things you want to create for yourself and trusting the timing of how things are unfolding.
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Is It Time To Go Back To A Relaxer? These Questions Might Help You Decide.
During my 25 years of being a full-time writer, I’ve definitely penned for a few hair magazines and websites before. One time, I remember being asked to cover what might appear to be a really random question — and yet, if you stop to really ponder it, it’s one that has crossed many Black women’s minds: “If I’m going to wear my natural hair, when’s the best time of year to do that and if I’m going to relax it, when should I do that?”
My response? Well, I’ll speak for myself personally and say I think that, although there is absolutely nothing wrong with shrinkage (it actually speaks to how healthy your curls and coils are), if you want to wear all-natural styles with as little of it as possible, cooler months are best. On the other hand, since the warmer seasons tend to have a lot more humidity in them, if you want to rock a straight(er) style, relaxing your locks makes more sense during the spring and summertime.
And, as life (and timing) would have it, the latter is where we are right now. So, if you are seriously thinking about chemically straightening your hair, although I totally get it, before you take the leap, please make sure to ask yourself the following five questions, just so you won’t have any regrets if you actually do.
1. Why Am I Doing It?
One of my girlfriends? She has an incredible head of hair. I wanna say that her texture is probably hovering somewhere between 3b-4a, and it only takes her about six months to go from a bob to well past her bra strap. Anyway, although when I first met her, she rocked a relaxer, for about a decade, she then went completely natural. Then, one day, she announced to me that she was going back to the white stuff. When I asked her why, she said that although she loved natural hair, all of the time that went into the care and maintenance of it was starting to get on her nerves.
I ain’t got no lies to tell you: When she said it, I was devastated like it was my own hair, mostly because I had grown so accustomed to seeing her thick curly locks. Plus, I’m aware of some of the risks that come with relaxers (more on that in a sec). Still, it ain’t my head, and also, since she would flat iron her hair quite a bit without properly prepping it in order to avoid heat damage, it’s not like I didn’t see where she was coming from. I wanna say that she’s been relaxing her hair, this time, for about 4-5 years now. I’ve asked her if she has any regrets. She has been emphatic that her answer is “no.”
Me? I’ve been pretty natural for most of my adult life. I frame it that way because back when my hair was ultra short, I would sometimes put a texturizer in it (which is basically a mild relaxer, if we’re gonna be real about it). However, there have only been two times when I’ve taken the very clear relaxer route, and both were to achieve a particular hairstyle — once a straight short bob and another time a modified mohawk. The bob I kind of regretted because once I was “over it,” I had to cut my hair to get back to my natural texture.
The mohawk? Eh, not so much because the sides were super low anyway. Still, just like going from relaxed to natural is a transition (makes me think about the book and then filmNappily Ever After), so is going from relaxed to natural — which is why the first thing you should ask yourself is your reason(s) for relaxing your hair, so that you can also ponder the costs that come with making the choice.
2. Am I Aware of the Risks?
A few years ago, Glamour published an article entitled, “It’s My Hair and I’ll Relax It—Or Not—If I Want To.” Back in 2023, Essence published an article entitled, “Why Some Black Women Are Relaxing Their Hair Again.” Last year, Vice published an article entitled, “Black Women on Their Complicated Relationship with Relaxer.” As I checked them all out, that is actually what caused India.Arie’s song, “I Am Not My Hair” to come to my mind. At the end of the day, one of the most bomb things about our hair is how damn versatile it can be — how many options that we really do have.
Still, I would be pretty irresponsible if I didn’t mention in a relaxer-themed article that there is quite a bit of research that says that relaxers really aren’t the best for our overall health and well-being. For instance, last year, NPR published the article, “Thousands of Black women are suing chemical relaxer makers over cancer risks” which was probably, at least partially inspired by, “First Large Study of Hair Relaxers Among Black Women Finds Increased Risk of Uterine Cancer” (NPR also just recently published an article about shampoos, lotions and eyelash glues that are harmful to our health as well).
In 2023, NBC News featured a piece entitled, “What Black women should know about hair relaxers and their health;” one of the things it said was “postmenopausal Black women who have used chemical hair relaxers more than twice a year or for more than five years have an increased risk of developing uterine cancer.” Know what else? It should also go on record that, beyond cancer, relaxers pose the threat of uterine fibroids, premature births, and even infertility.
Should that “scare” you into not relaxing your hair? Eh, it should make you more aware of the risks. That said, I would also be amiss if I didn’t say that there are some relaxer options that are certainly safer than others (you can read more about those here). Still, if you knew that there were other ways to straighten your locks without “chancing it” when it comes to chemical relaxers at all, wouldn’t you want to at least…consider them?
This brings me to the next question that you should ask yourself.
3. Have I Researched Other Straightening Alternatives?
A few weeks ago, Who What Wear published an article entitled, “TikTok Says Becoming a ‘Straight Natural’ Is a Hairstyling Hack—I Asked an Expert for the Facts.” It naturally piqued my interest because that’s pretty much what I am: on wash day, I will blow-out my hair and then I will braid it up to keep it stretched, basically until it’s time to wash it again. Personally, it has served me well because it reduces tangling and chances for fairy knots to pop up, plus, it helps me to handle my hair more gently (because I’m not exactly the best at doing that).
This means that no, I don’t need or use a relaxer, even though I do prefer to wear my hair stretched out. Instead, I use a blow dryer. That’s one alternative to achieving straight(er) hair.
Some others?
- You can flat-iron your hair
- You can apply keratin treatments
- You can do a silk press
- You can put your hair in rollers
- There are quite a few straightening sprays and creams that can get the job done too (although you oftentimes need to use them with heat, and many contain silicones if those aren’t your thing)
BONUS: If you want to simply stretch your natural hair without heat, some options for that arehere.
Now, I won’t lie, a perk to going the relaxer route is your hair remains permanently straight, even in the roughest of weather conditions while these alternatives are temporary solutions (some lasting longer than others). However, if you want to go in between curly and straight without any potentially harmful chemicals putting your health at risk, now you know some other proven things that you can do.
4. Have I Fully Processed the Upkeep That Is Involved?
The time it takes to sit up in a beauty salon. Chile, back when I was in college, that inspired me to teach myself how to cut my own hair (fades ‘n all) — that’s why, it’s been only a handful of times that I’ve been in a beauty shop since. And don’t get me started on the prices! In fact, I just recently checked out the current average prices for certain hair treatments in the US:
- Women’s haircut: $10-90
- Hair Color: $75-200
- Highlights: $20-200
- Styling: $10-65
- Permanent Hair Straightening: $40-425 ($425?!)
Now, to be fair, when it comes to seeing a professional for certain natural styles, here are some of the costs for that:
- Braids: $40-200
- Locs: $50-150
- Retightening Sisterlocks: $100-250 (and it’s recommended to do this at least six times a year)
However, natural hairstyles oftentimes tend to last longer, and you can do certain ones on your own. Meanwhile, getting a retouch? While some prefer to do it every six weeks, every eight weeks is typically the norm. Plus, it’s not just you’re getting a relaxer, right? Oftentimes, a cut and possibly a retouch of color is thrown up in there, too, and that can really add up.
Not to say that, even if you do your natural hair at home, some of the hair products are not the cheapest on the planet. Understood. All I’m saying, though, is — I’ve been doing my own hair for years, and the products that I use last for many months on end. Back when I was getting a relaxer, though? In the grand scheme of things, I was definitely spending more money overall.
And with this current administration that we have, chile…CHILE.
5. Have You Taken a Month to Make Sure It’s Not a Knee-Jerk Response?
Relaxers are a lot like tattoos in the sense that, once you get them, there’s no turning back. So, if you’re a naturalista who is thinking about putting the “cream crack” in, simply because you’ve had a few bad hair days — before you book a hair appointment or even go to a beauty supply store to get a ready-made relaxer to apply yourself, pause…to really think about what you’re doing.
And by “pause,” I recommend taking a good month, just to make sure that you’re making a logical decision and not just having an emotional reaction. Because again, once it’s straight, it’s straight until/unless you decide to grow your natural hair back out — and boy, is that a process (check out “The Truth About Transitioning From Relaxed To Natural”)…sometimes more of one than we considered before taking the cream crack leap.
____
Listen, you’re all the way grown, and when it comes to your hair, you certainly can do whatever the hell you want to do. That said, I did decide to end this with a feature from Only One Jess’s channel because…just look at our natural hair and all that it is capable of. Beautiful.
As I close this out, as with pretty much all things in this life, relaxed hair certainly comes with its own benefits. Of course, it does because, if there were none, who would have relaxed locks at all? All I’m saying is it does come with some “count the costs” to really consider, too, and I want to make sure that you always keep those in mind as well.
I’m hoping this article brought this main point home, so that if you do decide to go permanently straight (perhaps again), you can feel 100 percent good about your decision.
With — like the friend whom I mentioned earlier — not one single regret. From root to tip.
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Featured image by L Julia/Shutterstock