Before I knew it, I was busting it wide open.
Okay, wait… maybe I should start from the beginning.
In 2007, I met the love of my life. I was convinced that he was my person and that I had no choice but to go through heaven and hell to make this love work. He was my safe place. He knew everything about me. He was it for me. At least, that's what I thought.
Because after ten years of breaking up, making up and on-break babies, and finding out he was cheating with someone else who wasn't the baby mama, I finally realized that this was actually not my person. I thought that was the standard because I've only seen the women in my life struggle in love. But it's not.
Black women deserve a love rooted in safety, love, joy, and abundance.
Historically, Black women have been subjected to harmful stereotypes perpetuating negative perceptions. They deserve real love that breaks these stereotypes and values them for their individuality, personality, and character rather than subscribing to preconceived notions. Black women have consistently demonstrated strength, resilience, and perseverance in the face of adversity. They deserve real love that acknowledges and celebrates these qualities, providing them with the support and emotional security they deserve.
Ultimately, love should be based on genuine connection, mutual respect, and appreciation for each other's unique qualities and experiences. Like anyone else, Black women deserve a love that recognizes their worth and celebrates their individuality while acknowledging and supporting the specific challenges they may face.
I didn't realize any of this until I started therapy in 2020. For years, therapy wasn't something I subscribed to because I had never known anyone that went to therapy. And as Black people, we have foregone that type of help because we were taught Jesus was the answer to everything. But when I had sex with the person I thought was the love of my life for the last time and realized I deserved better, I also thought about why therapy may be a good tool for me to truly understand my worth and value.
Then, I watched Michaela Coel's show, I May Destroy You, and quickly uncovered some sexual traumas I had experienced as a teenager. Her creation is a groundbreaking television series that delves into the complex and nuanced topic of sexual trauma. Through its raw and unflinching portrayal, the show explores the aftermath of a sexual assault and its profound impact on the survivor's life. Coel's writing skillfully navigates the intricate layers of consent, power dynamics, and the long-lasting effects of trauma, challenging societal norms and expectations.
With a mix of dark humor, introspection, and vulnerability, I May Destroy You provides a platform for meaningful conversations about consent, self-discovery, healing, and the strength of survivors. Coel's powerful storytelling sheds light on the often silenced experiences of sexual trauma survivors, advocating for empathy, understanding, and meaningful change in our collective agreement of consent and support for survivors.
Feeling the weight of these emotions and their profound impact on my being, I decided to embrace celibacy.
Photo courtesy of Joce Blake
It became crucial for me to redefine my self-connection and explore how my relationship with sex influenced my self-perception. Through the transformative process of therapy, I was able to unravel the tangled threads of my experiences, enabling me to discern my preferences and boundaries. Even amidst the challenging and often disheartening world of dating, I found opportunities to explore uncharted aspects of my identity that had previously remained hidden from me.
Therapy provided me with a nurturing space to discover and embrace the pieces of myself that I never knew existed, allowing me to grow and evolve on my journey of self-discovery.
Now, we're here.
I've been dating more since I moved to Brooklyn from Denver. Because for a minute, Denver had me thinking I wasn't a baddie. The dynamics of desirability politics in Denver took a toll on my self-confidence as a Black woman. The prevalent societal standards and expectations of attractiveness prioritize specific characteristics that did not align with my own identity.
It led me to question and doubt my worth, as the narrow definition of desirability failed to acknowledge and celebrate Black women's diverse beauty and value. However, I have come to recognize that true beauty and self-worth transcend these limited perceptions. Embracing my unique qualities and celebrating the richness of my heritage has empowered me to redefine my own standards of desirability, rejecting the damaging influence of external judgment and embracing self-acceptance and self-love.
Just like the universe does, I now met a man who sees me in ways I wish I saw myself.
He makes me feel safe emotionally and physically. He is a cultured hood (IYKYK) and also the kindest person I've ever known. We love balance — we need balance. Taking care of me emotionally and physically is his highest priority; I have never felt that before. Best of all, the emotional intelligence is out of this world.
Before I knew it, I was busting it wide open.
It was more than worth it because it was intentional, and it felt extraordinarily special.
I am delighted that I chose to wait and break my celibacy for someone who genuinely values me in the same way I value myself. By exercising patience and prioritizing my self-worth, I ensured that the person I chose to share that intimate connection with was someone who recognized and respected my value.
This decision has affirmed my belief in the importance of self-love and selecting a partner who aligns with my principles and treats me with the love and respect I deserve. It is a gratifying feeling to know that I made a conscious decision to wait for someone who appreciates and cherishes me just as much as I do myself.
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Layover. Although it isn’t exactly “music to our ears” whenever we hear the word, it doesn’t have to be a tremendous burden if you know some tricks of the trade that will make a layover more bearable. Luckily, I’ve got 10 that could actually make this your best year for summer travel yet, y’all!
10 Layover Travel Tips You’ll Be Glad You Know
1. Research Best Layover Airports (Yes, There Is Such a Thing)
GiphyIf while planning your trip, if it looks like a layover is going to be more than 90 minutes, it never hurts to research the airports that are the most user-friendly as far as layovers are concerned. From what I can see, several studies reveal that George Bush Intercontinental Airport (Houston, Texas) gets a lot of props, thanks to the food options and the amount of frequent flyer miles that you can stack up.
Some other airports that top the list include Detroit Metropolitan Airport, Seattle–Tacoma International Airport and Denver International Airport. If you want to save money on your travel by having a layover, purposely landing in these cities can make the wait much more pleasurable for you.
2. Download Your Airline’s App
Whatever airline you plan on flying on, make sure to download its app before heading to the airport. There are many reasons why this is a solid hack including the fact that:
1) you can check-in and get a mobile boarding pass; 2) you can get real-time travel updates; 3) you can utilize the entertainment options that they have (including the airline’s Wi-Fi); 4) you can see how to best navigate through various airports; 5) you can easily contact their customer service support; 6) you can oftentimes track your checked baggage, and 7) some apps (like Delta) can even help you to store where you parked your car (if you put it in long-term parking) in your smartphone, so that you can easily find it upon your return.
3. Also Download Your Entertainment Beforehand
GiphyIf you happen to be on a flight that either doesn’t have Wi-Fi or charges for it, you can still enjoy your movies ‘n stuff by downloading them before you leave. This can also come in handy at the airport when their internet access is running hella slow because so many people are accessing it.
4. Choose a (Layover) City Where You Have a Friend
Although I don’t hate to fly, I wouldn’t exactly say that it’s my favorite thing to do. And so, back when I used to fly to South Africa to see some family, it was common for me to stop over in London for a couple of days because it’s the halfway mark for me — and seven hours on a plane is a lot easier to endure than a whopping 14.
That said, if you’re planning on an international trip, you’re not the biggest fan of flying yourself or, again, you want to save a few coins by booking a flight that has a layover or two — why not use this as an opportunity to hang out with a family member or friend in another city? That way, you can get a break from air travel and get in some quality time with them as well.
5. Pack Some of Your Own Snacks
GiphyIf you’ve ever wondered why airport food is so damn expensive, one of the main reasons is how much it costs for each restaurant to rent their space is completely insane. Plus, there are things like vendors, commission costs and all kinds of other “blah, blahs” that make the mark-ups so crazy. That’s why it can never hurt to bring some snacks along — non-liquid items that you can pack in your carry-on that will get you through your layovers without you breaking the bank in the process.
6. Put an Empty Recyclable Bottle in Your Carry On
Since a lot of airports have water refills stations available, you can stay hydrated while also keeping coins in your pocket by packing an EMPTY recyclable bottle in your carry-on too. Most TSAs will totally allow it. As far as refills on actual drinks, some airports allow those as well (after you purchase one drink from them, of course); never assume, though. Ask before making the purchase.
7. Have a Portable Charger in Tow
GiphyMaybe it’s just me but, even though airports seem to be filled with charging stations all over the place, it’s like only half of them actually work (and I’m being gracious on that!). That’s why it’s also a good idea to invest in a portable charger. I don’t know what took me so freakin’ long to get myself one; however, it’s basically my BFF at this point.
The one that I will cosign on is the ANKER Zolo Power Bank, 20,000mAh 30W Max Fast Portable Charger. It charges pretty fast and I’ve been able to get about three full charges on my smartphone before needing to charge the portable one all over again. Such a lifesaver!
8. Get Some Lounge Access
If almost everything about airports gets on your very last nerve, you definitely need to get some airport lounge access. It’s quiet(er); you have lots of room to stretch out; the food and drink that they have to offer is typically free; many lounges have spaces that are designed and designated for children; there are convenient work stations, and some even feature spas and showers (I know, right?).
And just how do you get your hands on all of this? You can do so by flying first or business class, using your frequent flyer miles, presenting your military ID or purchasing a membership or even a day pass access into your airline’s lounge.
9. Cop Some Duty-Free Samples
GiphyIf you are going on an international flight, make sure to take advantage of the duty-free shops, not just because you are usually able to purchase items from there without paying local taxes but they oftentimes have free samples that you can stock up on as well; this is especially the case when it comes to beauty-related items.
10. Stay over a Night
Since a fair share of my friends are in the entertainment world, they tend to travel a lot. What is always funny to me is how most of them talk about flying to almost every city in the country while only actually visiting a handful of them. My point here? If you are headed one place and you decide to not have a direct flight, if the city where you are having your layover is one that you’ve always been interested in, stay over a night or even two.
You can find some hacks for how to find cheap hotel rooms by checking out “Hot to Get Cheap Hotel Rooms: 20 Tips and Tricks” on Travel Mums’ site.
BONUS: Get an Exit Row Seat
GiphyIf one of the things that you hate about changing planes is how uncomfortable the flights can be, space wise, ask to be put in an exit row seat. You will automatically have so much more room without having to pay what first class passengers do. Brilliant. Happy (and safe) travels!
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